Am I a Coward?

[scoob]

Hi,

I'm still reasonably new to this site, but have found it so nice to chat with others who suffer to similar issues I do.
I have been off work for around three weeks now. I was really anxious at work and felt overwhelmed by everything. I finally went to the GP after knowing I was ill for around six months. I now cannot face going back. I have no one I consider a friend in my office and I now think that I need to move on. i have applied for other jobs but do not know if I can attend an interview whilst off sick.
I have depression and anxiety issues and have done so since I was in my early 20's. i'm in my late 30's now and have not gone out since i was signed off.
i feel a bit of a failiure and a coward for not biting the bullet and going back. the longer i stay off the more I am worrying about all the e-mails and work that is mounting up and also whether work will just think I'm just not up to it. When i last spoke to my manager to tell them i was signed off for another two weeks all I got was "fine keep me updated " and they hung up.
Any advice would be gratefully received.

Scoob:unsure:

[Deepest Blue]

Hi ya :)

Really sorry that you're feeling like this x :hugs:

You certainly are not a coward or a failure that's for certain. If anything I think you've been very brave in trying to do something about this rather than carrying feeling so unhappy. I can appreciate how uncomfortable it is working at a place where nobody can relate of understand our feelings, a work place is generally never a good environment to talk about your personal life as it will turn into gossip because people have nothing better to talk about.

I don't tend to open up so much at work because I don't trust them, I think it's the right thing to do and a good way to protect yourself too.

If you can't face going back the carry on looking for alternative work as maybe the thought of potentially leaving your current place for a better job with nicer people will hopefully inspire you a little more to go through the interviews. It's also much harder to attend interviews when you are at work and sooner or later they may realise it if you needed to take a lot of half days off to attend interviews where at least as it stands they don't know.

I wish you all the best.

Take care.

[scoob]

Thank you for the response.I think that gossip is my biggest worry. I was under a great deal of pressure before i went off and I know they all know I'm off with stress and depression. This worries the life out of me as I have seen how they react to peole who are perceived as unable to cope. i just feel that I have let my clients down and myself. I'm waiting to hear from another job application tommorrow and am struggling with a decsion as to whether to just resign and try again somewhere else or to suck it up and face the colleagues who i have very little in common with at a job i am beginning to hate.

Scoon:weep:

[Eternity]

Hi
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a few years and was off work for over two months sick. I was the same as you, worried about being off, what people were saying and the amount of work which was building up but at the end of the day, I was off because I couldn't cope with work and the stress. My employers weren't very sympathetic and there was quite a lot of subtle bullying going on. Anyway sorry for boring you lol. While I was off I realised that being in that workplace was making it worse and increasing my anxiety so I decided to apply for other jobs. I've now got a new job and saw out my notice on my old job whilst on sick leave. I never went back. I love my new job and feel that I have a lot more in common with the people I am working with now. We spend too much time at work to be unhappy there and if it makes you stressed it can really hurt your confidence. It's up to you what you do, but i'd say go for what makes you happy xxxx

[scoob]

Hi Eternity,

Thank you for reading my post. I think my employers are just going through the motions. I am signed off for another week and the longer I'm away the more i feel that I need to go. There are aspects of my work I really love but the institution is killing me. I am worried about money but now understand that my health and family outweigh this and maybe my work place is casuing some of my illness.
My worry is now that I am running away and I have anxieties that this will happen again.

scoob

[Eternity]

Hi Scoob
I felt like that too which is what kept me in such a toxic workplace for so long. It was as if I had to prove to myself that I could handle it, and stay there. but sometimes it just doesn't work. The only way I could have survived would to have been just as bitchy, two faced and nasty as some of the others and I never want to be like that. It's not running away so please don't think that. It's the situation that you're in which has caused your anxiety to be so high and if you were in a job that you enjoyed with decent people, there would be no reason to be anxious. I thought for a long time that my illness was causing me problems at work and stopping me from doing my job as well as I could but it was only when I actually had to go off sick that I realised it was the other way round. The workplace was causing my illness to be worse and was totally ruining my confidence. I know it's a difficult decision to make and it's hard to know what to do but being away from work will give you time to see how you feel. it's also quite usual for it to take a few weeks before you even begin to feel the benefits of being off. i was off for nearly a month before I started to switch off from work. i'm not sure if any of this will help but I hope so.
love
Tina xxx

[scoob]

Thank you for your replies Tina,

The longer i'm off the more I feel that I need to stay away and move on. I guess i'm worried of being seen as failing and also the bills.
THANK YOU so much for responding I felt so alone, but now see others have been in the same boat. I think I have some more reflecting to do. i have a feeling my next post maybe for advice on how to move on.

Thank you again.

J

[Eternity]

Hi J
No problem at all, I know what it's like as I've not long left so it's still quite raw and my ex employers are trying to blame me for some stuff which has gone wrong in my absence. I didn't actually realise how much it had affected me until I was off. I had to go back in to leave in some keys and felt physically sick at the thought of it and had a total panic attack. it was only then it hit me how much it had made my illness worse. i had spent so long thinking that i was a failure at work because of my illness when really it was a bad work environment that was making me ill, hope that makes sense. if you ever need a chat please pm me and remember that you're certainly not alone and certainly not a coward. It takes a lot more courage to move on and make a better life for yourself xxxx

[scoob]

Thanks Tina,

Your experience sounds very similar to mine. Thanks for your company. I appreciate your time and kind words. I will try and sort my head out over the next week or so and I really hope i get an interview as I think a new pasture may help my health.

:D

[Klonoa]

That sounds like a great start, good luck!

[london]

your no coward god bless

[jogPLC]

Hello Scoob,

I had to take some time off work at the beginning of last year due to anxiety and depression, in the end I was off nearly 6 months and was absolutely dreading going back to work. After the initial shock of going back, things were ok and I'm happy to say I've been back for over a year now. I felt the same way as you do now though.

You're no coward for feeling that way though and go back only when you feel comfortable otherwise you might end up feeling worse. My workplace offered me a "Staged Return" where I only had to work half a day to start off then gradually increased it over the space of a couple of months. Might be worth seeing if your workplace offers that.

Peter

[scoob]

Thanx for the replies. i have had a bit of a bad day. I am stressing that there are things I did not finish (or even start) before I went off. I just feel so tired all the time and cannot even contemplate returning at the moment. I spent the day asleep and now feel wired and must have smoked twice my usual cigs today. My sick note runs another week and feel that i am living day to day without any thoughts of a future.
sorry to appear dramatic but i just want my life back.

[Eternity]

Hi J
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but it really is normal and exactly how I felt. I felt so guilty about stuff which I hadn't done or finished when really I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did. You need some more time and like I said before, I was off for a while before I started to switch off from work and get any real benefit from being away from it.
T x

[scoob]

Thanks Tina,

I was wellish for a few years and had forgotten how dark it can get. Very bad day yesterday as I had applied for a job that woold have suited me and got shafted by the agency as the application got sent to someone on leave and they shortlisted last week. Never mind at least i found one other job so others must be around.

Hope all is well with you.

J