Mr.Man
13-06-11, 03:00
Hey all,
Hard to know where to start with this really. Ive had anxiety for 8 years I guess. Stuff where Im not comfortable going out alone, some places I'll avoid. Sometimes I can be a conversation ender around new people. Lately its been better, its not really my reason for posting, but its why Im on the site :)
The gist of it is, my youngest sister, 21, who was also a best friend died 3 1/2 weeks ago. I split from my girlfriend who I was living with 9 days after that. Lately Ive been feeling a bit shell shocked.
I'll start with my ex girlfriend. It was always a bit of a chaotic relationship. I loved her to bits, I think she did with me to, but our personalities clashed really badly at times. I have anxiety and because of past relationships she expects the worst from people. Example, I visit my sister in hospital, say I'll be back for 11pm. I get back at 11.05, she thought I was getting back by 10pm. I get back, she shouts at me and locks me outside until 2am. She stayed moody and argumentative for 3 days, ruining our 2nd anniversary in the process. At one point she would continually bad mouth men to me. When I told her I was uncomfortable with those discussions (because anything I would say would be like digging myself a hole) she said I was trying to control what she could talk about and verbally lay in to me. Bah. Anyway, it werent all bad, but she was capable of things like these. Real weird things.
With my sister, the family found out May 11th last year that she had stage 4 lymphoma (cancer). She'd been going to the GP for 7 months previous to that and was continually told that she was self harming, because a symptom was itchy legs. She diagnosed herself to make the GP give her a blood test. Awful from the NHS. Things were looking great considering the severity of stage 4 lymphoma, the highest possible. Chemotherapy was working and she underwent stem cell transplant from my sister and her last dose of chemotherapy.
My biggest concern was that she wouldnt get to bored in hospital, a 6 week stay was on the cards. I bought her loads of DVDs and books. 2 weeks in to the 6 weeks, which was 1 week after her high dose of chemotherapy, she developed terrible side effects. Ulcers all the way from her mouth to her gut and she caught the hospital bug C-Diff. These symptoms became to much for her and she was moved to an intensive care unit. We were told she would only be there for 2 days, just so they could monitor her fluid intake. 2 days turned to a promise she would be back in her own room within a week. At the end of the week, we were told it was life threatening. Her liver and kidneys were not working and they did not know how to make her better. She had swollen up to twice her normal size, terrible bruising around the eyes and head. Skin like orange peel. So horrible to see for a beautiful little girl.
Tuesday night we were given the talk. In order to give her sufficient pain relief, her lungs would flood and she would pass. They would not try to bring her back around. We had 10 hours notice and just like that she was gone. She was snatched, killed by the treatment that everybody thought would give her some more time. No chance to say goodbyes. All I could do was tell her how much I loved her. I begged the doctor to consider a transplant, even offered my own liver. But there was nothing they could do because of the disease she had, and would undoubtedly get back at some point in her life.
Ive cried so much and my ex was a rock for me the first week. Then all of a sudden she turned on me. Complained about a song that would be used for the funeral, saying she'd have to leave because it would remind her of somebody. Then saying she didnt want to go, saying she'd feel like a hypocrite for going because she had only met my sister a few times. Then having a go at me because I wanted to have a drink at the wake saying I would just abandon her there. I tried like crazy to placate her, I dont know why, but I did. All I got back was rudeness and her throwing everything I was saying back in my face. I told her she was unbelivably selfish. She in response shouted at me.
The next morning the first thing she said to me was to pack a bag and leave for a few weeks. No attempt to patch things over, or to start the day on a new leaf. I couldnt take it anymore, I told her if that was what she wanted then it was over. I felt paralysed and numb with her doing all of this at a time like this. I mean the night she went ape, Id been out that day seeing my little sister for the first time at the chapel of rest. Where is the decency. So this time, I actually left. Only place I could really go was my parents, so I am back there now. The house is different now without my little sister, reminders are everywhere, all of the time.
Ex didnt even text to ask how the funeral went. In one way I feel so less controlled now I am not with her. But I thought something like this if anything, would make us closer. Despite my anxiety, I am self reliant. Only problem I ever gave her was getting a little anxious in town on a couple of occasions. It was the first time she really had a chance to be there for me and she couldnt take not being the center of attention. The amount of things I was there for her on, I wont go into them but she was complaining about family, past relationships, life etc on a near daily basis.
I loved her regardless, but that relationship is over now, it was bad news. I see her in a new light. But I feel sad regardless, because I dont have someone to talk to now. I hold back with my Mum and Dad, and my sisters. My little sister was the one I could really open up to, and now she is gone.
So Ive had massive changes lately. Life doesnt feel the same anymore. I know it is still early days in the grieving process, but inside I feel quite empty most of the time. Funnily enough I dont feel anxious anymore when Im out and about. The shock of what has happened kind of covers the brains choice to feel anxious. For once I could talk the ears off of a complete stranger and not have any anxious feelings. But you know, Id trade anything to have my little sister back. I miss her so much all the time and Im crying every day.
I know its a lot to read, and I know its depressing stuff. Im sorry about that, I just needed to get my situation off of my chest, it has been eating me up, especially late at night.
Hard to know where to start with this really. Ive had anxiety for 8 years I guess. Stuff where Im not comfortable going out alone, some places I'll avoid. Sometimes I can be a conversation ender around new people. Lately its been better, its not really my reason for posting, but its why Im on the site :)
The gist of it is, my youngest sister, 21, who was also a best friend died 3 1/2 weeks ago. I split from my girlfriend who I was living with 9 days after that. Lately Ive been feeling a bit shell shocked.
I'll start with my ex girlfriend. It was always a bit of a chaotic relationship. I loved her to bits, I think she did with me to, but our personalities clashed really badly at times. I have anxiety and because of past relationships she expects the worst from people. Example, I visit my sister in hospital, say I'll be back for 11pm. I get back at 11.05, she thought I was getting back by 10pm. I get back, she shouts at me and locks me outside until 2am. She stayed moody and argumentative for 3 days, ruining our 2nd anniversary in the process. At one point she would continually bad mouth men to me. When I told her I was uncomfortable with those discussions (because anything I would say would be like digging myself a hole) she said I was trying to control what she could talk about and verbally lay in to me. Bah. Anyway, it werent all bad, but she was capable of things like these. Real weird things.
With my sister, the family found out May 11th last year that she had stage 4 lymphoma (cancer). She'd been going to the GP for 7 months previous to that and was continually told that she was self harming, because a symptom was itchy legs. She diagnosed herself to make the GP give her a blood test. Awful from the NHS. Things were looking great considering the severity of stage 4 lymphoma, the highest possible. Chemotherapy was working and she underwent stem cell transplant from my sister and her last dose of chemotherapy.
My biggest concern was that she wouldnt get to bored in hospital, a 6 week stay was on the cards. I bought her loads of DVDs and books. 2 weeks in to the 6 weeks, which was 1 week after her high dose of chemotherapy, she developed terrible side effects. Ulcers all the way from her mouth to her gut and she caught the hospital bug C-Diff. These symptoms became to much for her and she was moved to an intensive care unit. We were told she would only be there for 2 days, just so they could monitor her fluid intake. 2 days turned to a promise she would be back in her own room within a week. At the end of the week, we were told it was life threatening. Her liver and kidneys were not working and they did not know how to make her better. She had swollen up to twice her normal size, terrible bruising around the eyes and head. Skin like orange peel. So horrible to see for a beautiful little girl.
Tuesday night we were given the talk. In order to give her sufficient pain relief, her lungs would flood and she would pass. They would not try to bring her back around. We had 10 hours notice and just like that she was gone. She was snatched, killed by the treatment that everybody thought would give her some more time. No chance to say goodbyes. All I could do was tell her how much I loved her. I begged the doctor to consider a transplant, even offered my own liver. But there was nothing they could do because of the disease she had, and would undoubtedly get back at some point in her life.
Ive cried so much and my ex was a rock for me the first week. Then all of a sudden she turned on me. Complained about a song that would be used for the funeral, saying she'd have to leave because it would remind her of somebody. Then saying she didnt want to go, saying she'd feel like a hypocrite for going because she had only met my sister a few times. Then having a go at me because I wanted to have a drink at the wake saying I would just abandon her there. I tried like crazy to placate her, I dont know why, but I did. All I got back was rudeness and her throwing everything I was saying back in my face. I told her she was unbelivably selfish. She in response shouted at me.
The next morning the first thing she said to me was to pack a bag and leave for a few weeks. No attempt to patch things over, or to start the day on a new leaf. I couldnt take it anymore, I told her if that was what she wanted then it was over. I felt paralysed and numb with her doing all of this at a time like this. I mean the night she went ape, Id been out that day seeing my little sister for the first time at the chapel of rest. Where is the decency. So this time, I actually left. Only place I could really go was my parents, so I am back there now. The house is different now without my little sister, reminders are everywhere, all of the time.
Ex didnt even text to ask how the funeral went. In one way I feel so less controlled now I am not with her. But I thought something like this if anything, would make us closer. Despite my anxiety, I am self reliant. Only problem I ever gave her was getting a little anxious in town on a couple of occasions. It was the first time she really had a chance to be there for me and she couldnt take not being the center of attention. The amount of things I was there for her on, I wont go into them but she was complaining about family, past relationships, life etc on a near daily basis.
I loved her regardless, but that relationship is over now, it was bad news. I see her in a new light. But I feel sad regardless, because I dont have someone to talk to now. I hold back with my Mum and Dad, and my sisters. My little sister was the one I could really open up to, and now she is gone.
So Ive had massive changes lately. Life doesnt feel the same anymore. I know it is still early days in the grieving process, but inside I feel quite empty most of the time. Funnily enough I dont feel anxious anymore when Im out and about. The shock of what has happened kind of covers the brains choice to feel anxious. For once I could talk the ears off of a complete stranger and not have any anxious feelings. But you know, Id trade anything to have my little sister back. I miss her so much all the time and Im crying every day.
I know its a lot to read, and I know its depressing stuff. Im sorry about that, I just needed to get my situation off of my chest, it has been eating me up, especially late at night.