I'tsallgonebadagain!
13-06-11, 12:07
Last night marked an all-time low for me...
I have been suffering from what I would call moderate depression, on-and-off, for some time. I know the reasons and recognise the triggers, but cannot stop it from sneaking up on me and putting me through hell.
Before I go on, I have to tell you that I am taking positive action to resolve the emotional underlying issues causing this. I have now an appointment to see a counsellor and hopefully also start CBT, but I know it will be a long road as I have issues which go as far back as my early childhood. All, undoubtedly, unresolved.
So... I have been suffering for some time with back pains. Initially severe, but now what I would call constant and very uncomfortable. I have had to sleep on my settee for over a week as my bed seems to aggravate the issue.
Last night my upstairs neighbour came home late and as we all have wooden floors, I could hear every step and every door slamming she did, as I tried to fall asleep. The noise kept waking me up just as I was about to drop off. I have to get up at 5.30m am and was more and more aware of how little sleep I'd get.
(She is not a *noisy neighbour* by any means, and was not actually making a nuisance of herself. Just the normal noises you'd expect)
Whereas this would normally have no adverse effect on me, last night I was very tired and in pain. I became very agitated and stressed, and by midnight I was out of control with it.
I got up and was so angry and stressed that I started literally pulling at my hair, punching myself in the face and head and banging my forehead against the wall as I said *Why, God? Why? I need to rest!!! Am I so worthless that I do not deserve to rest?!!*
I went to my bedroom after this episode. Very frightened with myself and my ability to take it out on myself, physically.
I cried a lot. Mainly in fear of what I am capable of.
I have never been suicidal, and still am not.
But I fear myself now. What am I capable of when I am that stressed and tired and frustrated?
I am not what you'd think of as a person who could do this, and I am now scared of my own company.
I went to work today very tired, and cried constantly. Both with fear and sadness at what I did. I told my manager that I am depressed (which he knows) and also that my back hurts. Both are true. He sent me home.
Can anyone offer help or words of advice?
Thank you for reading if you got this far!
IAGBA
I have been suffering from what I would call moderate depression, on-and-off, for some time. I know the reasons and recognise the triggers, but cannot stop it from sneaking up on me and putting me through hell.
Before I go on, I have to tell you that I am taking positive action to resolve the emotional underlying issues causing this. I have now an appointment to see a counsellor and hopefully also start CBT, but I know it will be a long road as I have issues which go as far back as my early childhood. All, undoubtedly, unresolved.
So... I have been suffering for some time with back pains. Initially severe, but now what I would call constant and very uncomfortable. I have had to sleep on my settee for over a week as my bed seems to aggravate the issue.
Last night my upstairs neighbour came home late and as we all have wooden floors, I could hear every step and every door slamming she did, as I tried to fall asleep. The noise kept waking me up just as I was about to drop off. I have to get up at 5.30m am and was more and more aware of how little sleep I'd get.
(She is not a *noisy neighbour* by any means, and was not actually making a nuisance of herself. Just the normal noises you'd expect)
Whereas this would normally have no adverse effect on me, last night I was very tired and in pain. I became very agitated and stressed, and by midnight I was out of control with it.
I got up and was so angry and stressed that I started literally pulling at my hair, punching myself in the face and head and banging my forehead against the wall as I said *Why, God? Why? I need to rest!!! Am I so worthless that I do not deserve to rest?!!*
I went to my bedroom after this episode. Very frightened with myself and my ability to take it out on myself, physically.
I cried a lot. Mainly in fear of what I am capable of.
I have never been suicidal, and still am not.
But I fear myself now. What am I capable of when I am that stressed and tired and frustrated?
I am not what you'd think of as a person who could do this, and I am now scared of my own company.
I went to work today very tired, and cried constantly. Both with fear and sadness at what I did. I told my manager that I am depressed (which he knows) and also that my back hurts. Both are true. He sent me home.
Can anyone offer help or words of advice?
Thank you for reading if you got this far!
IAGBA