View Full Version : In the darkest hole there is (to me)
Hey there, what a day, started fine until i hit this evening, had a major argument with my girlfriend because she is selfish, self centred i hate her, yet love her, then when things dont get much further down for me, i found my pet hamster stone cold, and curled up in her cage, what have i done wrong for this? some say its natural but i truly believe that its fate for something i have done wrong to someone/something....then as if it aint gonna go anyworse, i self harmed again, to punish myself for breaking my girlfriends heart, i hate being like this, i just wanna be locked away from everything in a hospital, so i can think, all the hospital and gp says is, "we'll get you in for a psycho-therepist"...yeah fine except there is a 1 month+ waiting list, what good is that, when you are cracking up, and how far do i have to go to prove that fact, when everyone thinks your ok? I hate the person i have become, all i have ever wanted to do is fit in, and be "normal" now i am at the stage where i dont see an end, because i have forgotten what it was like "before". I am tempted to "stage" a suicide attempt just to get the attention i need, because no matter how much i explain my story, no one gets how i feel..... i hate myself for that i hurt and destroy, i am a waste of human skin, bones & more importantly a waste of life.
Rian951
Keitharcher
23-04-06, 19:26
Rian
Sorry to hear you feel as they you are not worth anything, it just shows how wrong people can be, we are all worth more than our weight in gold. Your post seems to be a cry for help, which you admit by talking about staging a suicide attempt. Dont go there, the attempt may fail and you may actually suceed, apart from the fact that you will not get the type of attention you are seeking. One of the forst things you must do is start to believe in yourself, things like hamsters dying etc are a part of life not aimed directly at you. If you believe that there is a universal plot aimed at you you will soon be able to turn situations into a set of circumstances that make you believe the plot exisits. Life can be a bitch, you must accept that but at the same time life can be a bed of roses, the rough and the smooth go together to even them selves out so that your average path is relatively smooth. Use the chat room to talk to people they may help you to put your problems into perspective and enable you to overcome them.
I hope you are feeling better soon
Keith
i found my pet hamster stone cold, and curled up in her cage, what have i done wrong for this? some say its natural but i truly believe that its fate for something i have done wrong to someone/something....then as if it aint gonna go anyworse, i self harmed again, to punish myself for breaking my girlfriends heart
I'm terribly sorry to hear about your pet :( and for your relationship problems. The problems with relationships is its usually emotional pain and emotional pain is not like a broken leg, or a cut, it hurts bad and its not something you can wrap in a bandage. Time and understanding are the only comforters. Its something everyone goes through, but when you are already struggling emotionally and psychologically, its a heavier burden.
I know it hurts and its often easier to blame ourselves because its better than not knowing the reason 'why?'. Please try and not to burden your conscience with guilt, the universe isn't punishing you for your failings. How you are feeling is not a failing, its not your fault and it certainly doesn't make you a bad person. It sounds like you're going through an emotionally draining time, what with falling out with your girlfriend and losing a beloved pet and during such times its so very easy to be overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. Guilt is a destructive emotion, devestatingly so, but try not feel guilty for things you have no reason to because your feelings of self esteem are so very low.
i hate being like this, i just wanna be locked away from everything in a hospital
You know, a couple of months ago I asked my GP the same thing, I wanted to go somewhere out of the way. I think because it was easier than having to deal with the everyday issues of my own particular problems. It is amazing how small changes can drastically change our outlook on life. When things are good, they seem great, when times are bad, they seem catastrophic. When you suffer from depression and related illnesses, its very easy to get pulled into a deep well of dispair.
I am a waste of human skin, bones & more importantly a waste of life.
That is only how you perceive yourself. You will always be the most important judge of yourself. The people in your life may not express enough how much you really mean to them, nor will they fully understand your problems without experiencing it themselves. Try talking to your doctor again and explain as best you can, without reservation. When you can get an appointment, see it as an opportunity to climb out of the dark place you may feel you're in. A therapist can help, they listen and can help change things in your life. I have an appointment at 2pm today with my occupational therapist and I actually look forward to it. They can even visit you at home, which is my choice as I can't face going to the place. If you're the same, let the necessary arrangements take place and stick with them, have faith that they can help you, because they can.
You're 'not' a waste and don't let anyone else, or even yourself, convince you otherwise. You've got a lot of stuff on your plate, but I believe you have the strength to get through this jungle, people always surprise themselves with strength they never knew they had. You may not believe in your own self worth in these dark times. I don't know you, but I genuinely believe in you and one day, you will find a way to believe in yourself.
Remember, compassion is a strength, not a weakness. Never, ever, feel guilty for caring.
~
hey thanks for the responses i had, i have read an re-read them, and i genuinely feel that i want to do something about it, the problem being when i am down, i feel as though i want to be like this, although i know i shouldn't its as if i have a split personality. Everytime i go to the GP, she sits me down, and i cannot explain fully how i feel because i know, it will go on for hours, and i will prob end up crying uncontrollably which is something i dont want to do.
All i want is help, but the GP says it can take upto 2 months for the help to become avalible, and i definatley cannot afford to go privately cos i am not working at all!
Rian951
REMEMBER, A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM HALVED!!!
Thats the problem with being low, there are so many depths to depression. I was told, "When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up", but the thing is, since I was first told that, I've bounced down many ledges into even deeper, darker, scarier depths. But the thing is, there is some truth to that saying, but there is no bottom to the pit, but when all goes quiet and there is nothing left to expect, that is when your only company is your inner voice. Its this stage where people either attempt suicide, or hear that little voice beckoning to get better. I am glad you want help, because it really is impossible to help someone who doesn't want to get help, or has become so depressed that they genuinely disconnect with hope.
What can be more frustrating than asking, begging, convincing medical people to help, and they either do nothing, or there is a long wait when you feel that your problems are a tad more urgent than that? Well, not much, sometimes those we expect to be there and help us are no where to be found. But having to wait is a good chance for you to have a closer look at yourself, what you feel is wrong and what you think may be ways to get better... What needs to change in your life for you to care and have hope again?
There IS a massive difference between rural/village GP surgeries and those of large towns or cities. In towns and cities, there is a larger chance that you'll be treated like a number, not a person (Flashbacks to that old program The Prisoner, 'I am not a number, I'm a free man' :-), anyway, in rural/village surgeries you tend to know the doctors for longer, and become more genuinely 'family GPs'. At least thats how it is up in my area.
But help will come, you have to force yourself to take some comfort in that the cogs are turning. Its so vitally important that you keep your appointment and think about what you're going to say (even write notes, cos guaranteed you'll forget a lot of the details when sitting in the chair). Until then, you have these forums, speak to people who understand and want to help, because we're all in the same boat, crossing the same stormy ocean. Yes, some of us have better cabins than others, but united we can be the best way to self help there is. There is nothing worse, than being told about being depressed by some doctor who has only READ about it. I have a saying ... "Knowledge Informs, but Experience Teaches".
Also don't be ashamed or too proud to cry, or to feel any other emotion for that matter. The key to dealing with emotions is to feel them, because they exist for a reason. Having a good cry about things can unleash a lot of subconscious tedium you didn't realise was there. You gotta ride out the storm, embrace how you feel, the only way to get out of a storm is to sail through it, dropping the anchor only prolongs the big waves.
Look within and look without, keep your head held high and your spirit strong. Its <bleeeeeep>ing hard, but damn it, you're gonna get there! And you're gonna be a much stronger person, as will we all, when the storm clouds pass and we feel the sunrise on great new days, upon our faces.
Hi Spirit, thanks for the reply, you mentioned that "it's hard or nearly impossible to help people who don't want to be helped or people who have disconnected with any form of hope". To be honest thats me, a lot of the time, i cannot imagine how i could be with out all this, it has taken over my life, and i hate it! Is it possible to be helped wihout being viewed as an "attention seeker"??? It's all well and good going to the local GP, trying to explain what is wrong, but no-one can truly feel what we all feel inside, obviously each person is feeling, but it is all indescribable. I feel i need some sort of hospital treatment, to sort myself out, but i feel the GP doesn't agree. I don't even know whats wrong, it's not like i have a phobia of some sort, or a bipolar disorder, else i would be able to lok at the problem head on and find a way out. My head is a maze of routes that all seem to end with a brick wall, eventually i will find my way out, but how long can it take lol?
Hope everyone is doing well today
Rian951
REMEMBER, A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM HALVED!!!
Thats exactly it, I've felt that way when I was at my worst, the confusion and thoughts are just noise with the inability to even think straight. I went through a period where I only breathed because it was automatic, I didn't even have the will to do that. I didn't want to be helped, in fact I liked the idea of sitting, letting self destruction rule my day. Many see it as self pity, but its not, its something else. Thats the problem with a lot of doctors, they read about the symptoms, but unless they have sunk so low themselves they can only try and imagine how awful it is.
The real key to sorting your head out would be to speak to a psychiatrist, they have ways of getting inside your mind and figuring out why you feel certain things and how to unlock/deal with it. If you are feeling like I imagine, you may wonder what the point is or really doubt if it'll help, but it does. The real key is finding a therapist you are comfortable with, for example my occupational therapist is female by request, because being a man I'm affected with pride when speaking to a bloke about certain things for example, very human.
Until such times, the best way to try and clear your head (again, I'm only speaking from my perspective based on my own experiences, I'm not a doctor), is to keep a diary or better yet, a journal. Its good particularly in bed, to write a major question you have about yourself at the top of the page and just scribble, write notes, even doodle pictures, what you would answer. There is one condition, that is you don't settle for one big question mark :-) Answer the question, even if its full of "It could be..." or "I think..." ...
Also its so vitally important to figure out not necessarily why you feel a certain way, but what you think could change in your life that would be the best way to change those feelings. For me, it was completely gutting my house for example, which was full of negative memories and frankly, turned into a dump, because I lost the will to live, so housework was the last of my worries. But I knew that I'd never get a hold on the depression until I was happy with my home, and you wouldn't believe how much that proved true.
I know now (after about 4/5 years of being really low), that things CAN get better, no matter how much I didn't care, or even want to believe that it wouldn't change, but from where I'm sitting now, I know it can. I got to the stage where it was do-or-die, but like the good old Iron Maiden song says, "Heaven can wait" :-)
Hi Spirit, thanks for reply again, sorry i havnt replied sooner, the computer broke...great :(
I really connected with what you were describing especially the bit that says
"Thats exactly it, I've felt that way when I was at my worst, the confusion and thoughts are just noise with the inability to even think straight. I went through a period where I only breathed because it was automatic, I didn't even have the will to do that. I didn't want to be helped, in fact I liked the idea of sitting, letting self destruction rule my day. Many see it as self pity, but its not, its something else. Thats the problem with a lot of doctors, they read about the symptoms, but unless they have sunk so low themselves they can only try and imagine how awful it is."
that is definatley how i feel, you described it so well its unreal, the inability to describe how you truly feel without sounding like an attention seeker is almost immpossible.
I thought my life had turned around because everything all of a sudden was going perfect...until my girlfirend and i started arguing again.....i hate it, its because i am almost immpossible to live with, and also i want to start a career within the RAF, but they have told me now that i must be free from anti deppressants for 3 years....great not, everything always goes from good to bone (bone meaning worse than sh*t)
anyways thats my ramble for today or shall i say this morning (04:54) stil not been to bed, yet another night wide awake, cos the anti depressants with added sleeping agent have worn off completly now!
have fun everyone!...thinking of you all
Rian951
REMEMBER, A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM HALVED!!!
Hey Rian,
You're spooking me now ... I wanted to join the RAF for over 10 years, and even starting learning to fly from 16 for my private pilots licence. I got about half way through, when my instructor disappeared with another student. About 2 weeks later they found them, at the bottom of a lake. They had crashed into a lake on a cross country navigation lesson. That, among financial constraints, then ultimately my decline in mental health resulted in me just stopping one day.
The reason I didn't join the RAF though (as a fast jet pilot was my dream for so long), was nothing to do 'directly' with my mental health, more to do with the fact that I couldn't handle the lifestyle. I like my own space, I like to come home when I please. That sounds superficial, but I realise now that it was because at home I have security, which in turn is connected to my feelings of hinderance at the sources of my anxiety and subsequent depression. I've been on anti-deps since 17, the age I intended to join up. I am now 26 [:O].
I'm sorry things are so up and down for you right now, it is really hard to have a relationship with someone who is normal and well. My mental health cost me my marriage, not directly, I was supported very well, too well in fact, that by the time I started getting better my wife was more of my carer and mother, than my partner.
Good things happen, bad things happen, the trick is to appreciate the good times and understand that the bad times are part of life, but its only temporary. I used to be self destructive in the sense that even when things were going good, I used to find myself turning it into something bad. I've also been offered help but found myself spiting myself - cutting off my nose to spite my face sort of thing. Its part of the whole depression thing.
But now I'm much stronger, although I'm still burdened, I've felt great changes in my state of mind lately. It wasn't so long ago that I actually sat and researched all the optional ways I could die. I even started on notes, personalised for the people in my life. When I think about that now I feel mortified, I realised that I was void of life, but I wanted not just to be alive, but to LIVE. I figured out what needed to change for me to feel like I had purpose and reward, and a few months later (it was that soon I was literally thinking about tall buildings in my area). My depression was bad, I was in a really bad place.
Normality was a blurry building on the horizon for me ... but now its bigger and I can see the gate. I have had help from my GP and my occupational therapist, even a social worker to help me regain some sort of control of my life. But above all, I had to come to a stage where it was "Do or Die" ... so as hard as it was, I had to drag myself forward, making small changes, before I knew it big changes were there.
I feel much better now, and although I still have issues and moments of relapse I have to fight, I refuse to go back to that dark place.
The moral of this ranting is, no matter how bad things get, there are always good options. When your feet ache, you have to keep walking the road forward, even if you have to drag yourself with your arms. You are stronger than you realise and I have no doubt whatsoever that you will defeat your demons. You are living your life, and while it may seem like it truly sucks right now, understand that its your circumstances and the great sourpuss called depression. But depression and sh*t like it can be defeated with the right help, and the right fight.
If you ever need to rant, get stuff off your chest, or even need a friend who really does understand, feel free to get in touch with me directly.
Hell, if I can change the way I think, and change my life from a sewer of a gutter, to a stage where I finally really do feel a sense of HOPE for the future, then ANYONE can, and you WILL! :)
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