feeling suicidel

[trickyricky]

Hi ,

just started taking seroxat and im two weeks in - the dizzy anxiety symptoms are fading away which is good however ive started feeling very low about myself especially in the mornings like i just dont want to wake up.I have suffered with depression in the past and was given metazapine and was on that for two years but decided to come off it as i just felt like a zombie and wasnt thinking straight and had no motivation which i dont have now either.Ifelt ok for a few months and then got into a relationship and started to suffer with health anxiety and panic attacks due to me thinking i had HIV which was justified as my ex partner told me two of his previous partners were HIV 6 months into the relationship and odd as it may sound I had a gut feeling about this before he told me ...The relationship then turned violent to the point where i was held hostage at knife point and abused mentally ..he would smash up the flat and turn all of the electric off so we would be in pitch black and then tell me he was going to get a knife and kill me and the puppy dog - I eventually rang the police and had him removed.!This experience has truly disturbed me and knocked me on my arse - put me back in a state of depression and anxiety and panic !.


Each morning i just want to kill myself , i feel i am being punished and nobody cares about me and that nobody understands how much i have been affected by my past situations or my mental ill health :(

As a child i would watch my disabled mother get beaten by my father and try to protect her and she told me the other day that on one occasion i hid her away in my tent in my room and told her she would be safe from him there ,I was eight years old ! I then decided to stay at my aunties to try and get away from the abuse to which i started being sexually abused by my aunties husband - I feel like my horrific childhood is to blame for my current state !

I just want to be happy and healthy but my life just goes from one extreme to the other and im at a point now where i just cant face any more horrific experiences to which i have shut myself off from the world to feel safe

do u think its the seroxat that is making me feel so poorly and bringing all my memories back and making me think about suicide again as i have tried to commit suicide twice in the past and im scared i will do it again

anybody got any advice please ?

[MinnieMouse]

Hi Trickyricky

I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible time and that you have had to deal with truly horrible events in your life - none of which were your fault.

I am no expert but can only imagine you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and (if you're not already) would seriously recommend specialist counselling in this area to help you process these past events in your life and to enable you to move on.

With regard to Seroxat I was on it very briefly after a relationship breakdown years ago and to be honest it scared me as looking back I was depressed but I think I could have sorted myself out to a degree. I found that the tablets made me have strange thoughts. Eg I would be driving along then suddenly wonder what it would be like to drive into the back of a lorry!! Sounds utterly bonkers as I wasn't feeling suicidal but I was also scared of what I would do - it was like I was being taken over. I'm sure this doesn't happen to every Seroxat user but maybe it doesn't agree with some people?? I wouldn't just stop your medication as you may need to wean off it (it's been years since I took it) so please check with your GP first!!!

When you see your explain your fears as a change of medication may be all that you need to lift you and arrange counselling if you haven't already. Regarding your fears over HIV you haven't mentioned whether you have been tested - doing so would eliminate some of your anxiety.

There are some lovely people in this world and I'm sure you are one of them. You need to surround yourself with like minded people and not anyone negative who is going to abuse you and take advantage of your good nature. Negativity breeds negativity. Are you happy where you live or would you consider relocating in order to build new positive friendships/ relationships and feel safe? It's probably something you wouldn't feel able to do immediately but it could be something to work towards and concentrate on? You would still have to get support for your current issues but a change of scenery may help?

Whilst you are feeling low take the time to look after yourself. Do things for yourself to make you feel better about you and treat every morning as another day for you to be closer to feeling well and happy in your life.

You can do it!

MMxxx

[trickyricky]

I had tests and they were negative . i built up the courage to do so and it was very hard ...i was negative but still believe i have it ! I moved into my mums because of memories and I thought it would help me but it has not ! My gran also passed away when all this was going on with my ex so i was very vunerable ;( I loved her deeply but feel i have not mourned her the way i should have done - almost feel guilty that i didnt attend a family gathering after her death because my ex told me he would kill the puppy and himself if i went and i would find him dead in a pool of blood when i returned so i didnt go in which my family didnt understand ..it wasnt a wake or anything i attended the funeral etc etc - he told me he had drowned a puppy in the past and was cruel to the puppywe had in which i called the rspca so i was convinced he would do what he said and i just couldnt risk it ! its all very disturbing for me

[Tish]

Hi Ricky, I'm not a doctor but I have heard that Seroxat can make suicidal thoughts worse, especially in young people. Therefore, I would go back to your gp asap and explain what's happening to you.

[haziefantasie]

Hi Ricky

I understand how youre feeling, I have also just come out of an abusive relationship & am struggling with depression. I was also suicidal a couple of weeks ago, I still feel hopeless & that theres no point in living but Im not as bad as I was. Are you getting any support regarding the abuse? There are lots of support groups & books that you can read, Ive found it helps talking to people who have experienced these things so you know youre not alone. And please dont feel guilty regarding your gran, you did what you had to do to stay safe! Among other things my ex told me had murdered someone and made it look like suicide so I know how it feels to be scared of someone you love.

Anyway, take care & like the others said it might be worth speaking to your doctor about how youre feeling. Mine kept me on the medication but referred me to the mental health nurse to keep an eye on me! x

[Walking Contradiction]

I feel for you, you've had so much to deal with.
My problems pale in comparison, but ive also been suicidal recently.
I hope you getting the help you need.
x

[JaneC]

TrickyRicky have a hug :hugs: for what it's worth. I am so sorry you have had to go through all this - no wonder you are finding it had to cope. I hope you have been offered some sort of talking therapy as well as the seroxat.

Perhaps you might think about getting in touch with one of the organisations which support survivors of sexual abuse?

But first of all, if you are still feeling suicidal this morning I think you need to call NHS24 and discuss whether it is wise for you to continue with the seroxat.

Please take care - and let us know you are ok xx

[trickyricky]

I was getting home help and went to group therapy but because i moved are it stopped :( i now have to start the process of getting therapy all over again :( i just seem to attract trouble and i make bad choices but you live and you learn and i will never make the same mistake again - i will never put myself through that again ..last year was horrible for me ..not only did all that happen but i also came out of the closet in regards to my sexuality which was very difficult and my dad and brother disowned me and we no longer speak ! the only positive thing that happened last year was me being able to see my two daughters because my ex refused to let me see them and i was just so sick i didnt have the energy to fight for my rights as a father but now i see them every week and they are the most important thing in my life at the moment !

Thanks all for the hugs and kind words they are appriciated

[sunset30]

I have read your post and i got to say your a surviver. Now i understand why you felt unable to say in the chat. Its sounds like yu have had avery roar deal in the past and time is a great healer to get over things. You mentioned you feel suicidal i can associate with that as i have had that myself. The troubling thoughts and past situations has caused you some much stress/hurt you don't know how to escape it hence how you feel. But also dont know how to deal them which is understandable you have been through alot. Perhaps it might be worth trying different meds some medications sometimes can amply suicidal thought so it can take a fair few tries to get the right one. But i would seriously stress with the things you have been through you would benefit from talking to acounceller or different type of therapist or your doctor to get you the right help. If you have a friend you totally trust and can confide in that might help. Even just writing how you feel can help at times. But different things work for different people. But it does take time to work through and it can be done. Dont be to hard on yourself take each day as it comes. Good luck!:hugs:

Sunset30x