Dating Dilemma

[Emphyrio]

Hello,

I have a date planned with a girl tomorrow night which I'm pretty nervous about - logistically it's something which I can just about manage (though I'll be pretty nervous!) though I was wondering whether I should say anything about my anxiety/depression. I haven't met her in person (apart from online) though she seems really nice and we seem to get on well regarding interests, though she does seem pretty confident in her whole outlook on life and is not scared to do things like go travelling etc.

I on the other hand worry about a lot of things and dislike going out of my 'comfort zone', not to mention a number of other issues. Should I mention something about these or should I just keep quiet for now?

Many thanks.

[HRose]

Hello! Wow, I had this same problem a couple of days ago. I've been doing the internet dating thing too and it made me feel sick to even think about meeting up with someone when I'm having trouble even doing day to day activities. The guy I had been exchanging emails with seemed pretty nice, so I basically told him that although I would love to meet him, I've not been feeling too great and if he would like to know more about what I've been struggling with, to let me know. He did, so I explained to him I'd been having a bad time with an anxiety problem and was concerned about being out with him and feeling faint/dizzy etc and asked if he was still interested. He was and even suggested meeting at a pub very close to my house so that if I felt unwell I wouldn't have far to go. Anyway, the morning of the date I was on the phone to my mum, shaking and telling her that I couldn't do it, feeling very dizzy etc, and she just told me to go for it, that I don't owe this person anything, and that if he isn't a nice guy he doesn't deserve my company, no matter what state I'm in. I managed to stay for three hours, though didn't feel too great in the last hour. Initially I found that I was too distracted by conversation to feel really bad! I was just very open with him and felt better for telling him about my condition before we met in person.
So, I think you should tell this girl before you meet her - you've got nothing to lose, because if she's going to judge you on something like this, she's not worth it. Cliche, but true! x Hannah

[Ingenious]

Personally, I wouldn't want the pressure of having to appear normal when in fact I might be struggling, so I'd mention beforehand you're quite nervous about meeting, or a bit "rusty" or even shy - this gives you some scope on the date to be a little anxious.

But I also wouldn't mention depression and anxiety - not yet - and especially not to someone I have only met on the net. That's something you can talk about face to face - if necessary. See how you get on first, whether you like her, whether she likes you. I just think that mentioning it beforehand might be a bad idea, whereas there is lots of scope to gently bring it into a conversation face to face.

Dating can be nerve wracking at the best of times, but even more so if you're depressed or have anxiety issues - so really good for you taking this on. Whatever happens you will feel so proud of yourself afterwards - I wish you all the best and please do report back on how it goes!!

I think you will get a few different opinions here - so if this all gets confusing do the best possible thing: Follow your heart.

[Emphyrio]

Thanks Hannah/Ingenious for your kind comments. I think that as the meet-up is tomorrow I won't mention anything yet (though I will mention I am shy). I should manage the actual date okay (the main thing I'm dreading is driving in the town!) but I guess if we do get on well things will get even more difficult, like for example, when to raise the issue so to speak. I don't experience depression/anxiety as bad as some people on here but it is enough to effect my life - I seem to constantly worry about 'what if' scenarios (like having a car accident), and my self esteem is pretty bad as well. I will report back though tomorrow night to tell you how things went!

Just wondering how things progressed with you Hannah? Are you going to meet up with the guy again?

[HRose]

Hey :) Strangely, the guy actually asked a lot of questions about how I was feeling - he's ones of those lucky ones who hasn't experienced the horrors of constant anxiety - and said he was actually intrigued about the whole thing (though he might have just been sweet talking me!). We've been texting and stuff and we're organising for him to come over and drink tea with me one day next week, haha!
When I first started feeling weird this time round( a few months back) I met up with someone and halfway through our pizza I had a pretty sever panic attack. It was really awful because I hadn't had one in so long(sort of kicked off my generalised anxiety i think) and the poor bloke had no idea what was going on and was actually quite rude to me saying sarcastically 'what's wrong with you?' then when I physically couldn't reply asked if I had 'gone mute'. It's for that reason that I decided to tell this current guy before I met up with home, so I would be in safe hands so to speak. I guess it's a bit different for men when it comes to dating, and sounds like you're maybe not as debilitated as me at the moment - which is fantastic- so I'm sure you'll be fine :) See how open minded she is and I guess take it from there. And yes, let us know how it all goes!! x
p.s. apologies for ranting

[Emphyrio]

No worries Hannah - its good that the current guy is a lot more understanding - its good that you went through it all again after the first date - hope things turn out okay! Will report back tomorrow eve on how it went.

[Spitfyr88]

I've been single for nearly a year now so no idea but... BEST OF LUCK DUDE!
Head held high :)

[Emphyrio]

Thanks Spitfyr - being single for a year isn't too bad really.

It went pretty well in the end. I felt comfortable around her, we seemed to find enough to chat about, and she wants to keep in contact, so it could be a possibility. I didn't tell her about anything though, which will be kind of tricky - its still a case of where and when.

[lorrainecook2012]

For me it is better to explore more each other about your interests. Telling her everything without even having an idea what is her personality as time goes by is difficult to predict as to what her reaction would be with regards to your situation. Depression maybe her not kind of thing which would make you feel depressed further. Do not worry, everything will just go in it's way. I have a friend who has depression every time jealousy in relationships (http://www.jealousy-in-relationships.net) becomes an issue to her partner and it was really a difficult struggle for her but she made through it.

[Spitfyr88]

A little faith can go a long way my friend.
Ever so glad things went well. Don't worry about explaining things. When the time is right it'll be fine.
Best of luck for the future!