Klonoa
19-06-11, 02:44
I hate, hate, hate father's day. I'm going to try and keep it to myself tomorrow because I want my husband to enjoy his day and he doesn't need to hear any more misery from me.
I havn't spoken to my dad for more than 8 years now, since leaving Cornwall for Cheshire, or since I moved to the US. He is a lot of the reason I have a very flimsy belief in myself that I get easily bowled over by other peoples opinions of me, which definitely have a knock on effect on my anxiety symptoms. I don't have a lot of fortitude to get back up and dust myself down when bad things happen to me.
About 6 years ago there was no mental health help where I lived (whoever was in charge had left the area and nobody was there to fill their place) so I had my fluoxetine and set about taking on my own depression. I did a good job, and I managed to drop a lot of the hate I was holding on to my father for that was stopping from me living my own "present" so to speak.
When I got married my inlaws weren't exactly the second set of parents I hoped for (lol I know talk about high expectations!) and sometimes I am pretty jealous of my sister in law when her father looks after her like a father should but I am the squeaky wheel, certainly I'm not the kind of person he would have picked for his son.
Anyway last night I had a really terrible dream that I met with my father again, and we had a really nice time. He was so nice to me and we had a really long talk and I just felt like I had a really big hole in my heart when I woke up. The disturbing thing about this dream is, if I met with him again that is probably something how it would go. I'm pretty sure he would be happy to see me.
But it was a very complicated relationship. He was very emotionally abusive to us and controlling. He was diagnosed with depression but I'm quite sure he had some kind of narcissistic personality disorder - he was a man who wore different masks depending on who he was talking to. He hated himself but he was so increadibly vain and loved himself too, in front of some people he was my doting father and when we were alone he was hurtful to us. He threatened me, he would incite my mother's anger and then abandon us when we had no way to get home, he would drink and drive very fast to scare us.
What I really have trouble with is, there was some nice things he did for me. We didn't have a lot of money and there was this beautiful wooden journal that you added your own paper to and of course I couldn't afford it so he made me one, he also made me a computer table to go in my bedroom so I would have space to draw. When I was a pre teen we used to talk all the time, but as things got bad as I got older and my mother started to confide in a lot of the things he has said/did all through my life it is still hard to come to terms with.
Like I'm not sure how to accept that this man was sometimes a man who had glimmers of times when he genuinely cared about me, but when I was raped by my cousin (I was about 11) he told my uncle he thought I was lying. When I was older he took pictures of me when I was asleep and sent them to people on the internet, and for a while it was just me and him living together (I was finishing college the last few months, my mother moved on ahead for her health and to get away from him) one night he asked me to get into bed with him, and I just felt absolutely sick because I knew the meaning of it. I also found out later that he told my grandmother about what happened between me and my cousin to "test the water" for abuse he said he had received by his brother.
I stopped talking to him when before I left he gave me 1000 pounds (money from house sale), brought me clothes and a graphics tablet for my art. I mean I KNEW he was trying to buy my affection and close off his own guilt, but he always claimed that he treated me and my older brother the same so I told him he HAD to give my brother the same money too (my brother had already stopped talking to him a year or so by now), but because he felt like he had nothing to be sorry for to my brother he never did. The concept of my silence was until he gives my brother money too, or just at least tries (my brother may not accept), it was my attempt at being in control of the relationship since he always has controlled us. He is an emotional manipulator and several times (the last one maybe 3 years ago?) he sent me an email saying his much he loved me and whatever, that was his way to get me talking to him on his terms again.
I just don't know how to reconcile all the different aspects to this same person. He was toxic and even if I was to get in touch with him (not likely) he wouldn't see my son, he just deserves better than to get involved with this bs.
I realised that the last 8 years have been easy for me because by demonizing him as the evil father, I made him into a simple figure. But the truth is a lot more complicated than that and it just makes it harder because even though I'm a 27 year old woman I still feel the need to be praised, be hugged, be loved and be told I have worth. I feel worthless a lot.
The funny thing is even if I wanted to contact him, I couldn't because nobody has seen him for 4 years. Last I heard he had found some rich fellow alchoholic woman and was driving a sports car. There was definitely an aspect of his life that he was not happy with anything he had, full on mid life crises with extra disfunctional bells and whistles lol
So yeah. I hate father's day! GRRRRR :curse: So I will go give a gift to a man who thinks I'm an unaccomplished waste of space (my FIL lol)
I havn't spoken to my dad for more than 8 years now, since leaving Cornwall for Cheshire, or since I moved to the US. He is a lot of the reason I have a very flimsy belief in myself that I get easily bowled over by other peoples opinions of me, which definitely have a knock on effect on my anxiety symptoms. I don't have a lot of fortitude to get back up and dust myself down when bad things happen to me.
About 6 years ago there was no mental health help where I lived (whoever was in charge had left the area and nobody was there to fill their place) so I had my fluoxetine and set about taking on my own depression. I did a good job, and I managed to drop a lot of the hate I was holding on to my father for that was stopping from me living my own "present" so to speak.
When I got married my inlaws weren't exactly the second set of parents I hoped for (lol I know talk about high expectations!) and sometimes I am pretty jealous of my sister in law when her father looks after her like a father should but I am the squeaky wheel, certainly I'm not the kind of person he would have picked for his son.
Anyway last night I had a really terrible dream that I met with my father again, and we had a really nice time. He was so nice to me and we had a really long talk and I just felt like I had a really big hole in my heart when I woke up. The disturbing thing about this dream is, if I met with him again that is probably something how it would go. I'm pretty sure he would be happy to see me.
But it was a very complicated relationship. He was very emotionally abusive to us and controlling. He was diagnosed with depression but I'm quite sure he had some kind of narcissistic personality disorder - he was a man who wore different masks depending on who he was talking to. He hated himself but he was so increadibly vain and loved himself too, in front of some people he was my doting father and when we were alone he was hurtful to us. He threatened me, he would incite my mother's anger and then abandon us when we had no way to get home, he would drink and drive very fast to scare us.
What I really have trouble with is, there was some nice things he did for me. We didn't have a lot of money and there was this beautiful wooden journal that you added your own paper to and of course I couldn't afford it so he made me one, he also made me a computer table to go in my bedroom so I would have space to draw. When I was a pre teen we used to talk all the time, but as things got bad as I got older and my mother started to confide in a lot of the things he has said/did all through my life it is still hard to come to terms with.
Like I'm not sure how to accept that this man was sometimes a man who had glimmers of times when he genuinely cared about me, but when I was raped by my cousin (I was about 11) he told my uncle he thought I was lying. When I was older he took pictures of me when I was asleep and sent them to people on the internet, and for a while it was just me and him living together (I was finishing college the last few months, my mother moved on ahead for her health and to get away from him) one night he asked me to get into bed with him, and I just felt absolutely sick because I knew the meaning of it. I also found out later that he told my grandmother about what happened between me and my cousin to "test the water" for abuse he said he had received by his brother.
I stopped talking to him when before I left he gave me 1000 pounds (money from house sale), brought me clothes and a graphics tablet for my art. I mean I KNEW he was trying to buy my affection and close off his own guilt, but he always claimed that he treated me and my older brother the same so I told him he HAD to give my brother the same money too (my brother had already stopped talking to him a year or so by now), but because he felt like he had nothing to be sorry for to my brother he never did. The concept of my silence was until he gives my brother money too, or just at least tries (my brother may not accept), it was my attempt at being in control of the relationship since he always has controlled us. He is an emotional manipulator and several times (the last one maybe 3 years ago?) he sent me an email saying his much he loved me and whatever, that was his way to get me talking to him on his terms again.
I just don't know how to reconcile all the different aspects to this same person. He was toxic and even if I was to get in touch with him (not likely) he wouldn't see my son, he just deserves better than to get involved with this bs.
I realised that the last 8 years have been easy for me because by demonizing him as the evil father, I made him into a simple figure. But the truth is a lot more complicated than that and it just makes it harder because even though I'm a 27 year old woman I still feel the need to be praised, be hugged, be loved and be told I have worth. I feel worthless a lot.
The funny thing is even if I wanted to contact him, I couldn't because nobody has seen him for 4 years. Last I heard he had found some rich fellow alchoholic woman and was driving a sports car. There was definitely an aspect of his life that he was not happy with anything he had, full on mid life crises with extra disfunctional bells and whistles lol
So yeah. I hate father's day! GRRRRR :curse: So I will go give a gift to a man who thinks I'm an unaccomplished waste of space (my FIL lol)