RSH71
19-06-11, 17:16
Hello everyone,
Well where do I start, I am not only new to this site, but I have never been in a chat room/forum before.
I was told by my then GP (at the age of 22), that I started showing symptoms of depression and anxiety as young as 7yrs old. I am now 39 (40 next month) and I am still hanging by a thread (no pun intended) and have never experienced a depression/anxiety free day in my life.
Brief history (no violins required) - My father started physically/emotionally/ psychologically abusing me when I was a few weeks old. I was used as a football and rugby ball, kicked and thrown around my home. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia and since I was born had a voice in her head that she could not ignore, which told her that if she showed me any love or kindness I would die. So she neglected me out of "love".
This was the norm for me throughout my childhood, my father getting increasingly violent against myself and my mother and my mother (when she was not sectioned) treated me as if I was of no importance to her whatsoever. I have only a few memories of childhood, most have been blocked by my brain going into self-preservation mode, all of them painful beyond measure.
Somehow I have managed to get to the age of 39, but it has been a life of utter torment. I have been sectioned once myself, there have been many suicide attempts (not for many years now). I have been on every psych medication and combinations of, known to man and womankind, but with no success. I have had Psychotherapy and schema focused CBT, which was of some help. But that strange thing I believe is called happiness continues to allude me. I have looked everywhere for it, I even tried ebay and amazon!
I suppose it is quite tragic really, that coming up to 40 and I have never had an enjoyable, happy, exciting day in my life. Actually that really is tragic, I had never really thought about it that much until I just typed it.
Obviously this has been a very very very shortened, clipped and brief account of my life, or lack there of. Something has happened recently, a sort of tipping point, but I am not sure what it is. Maybe it is the 40 thing and the hellish prospect of possibly another 40 to go. Or maybe because I have run out of treatment options, apart from one.
By reading this you will not have got an accurate impression of me. I fight to live every day of my life, I fight like a man possessed. And I manage to do it most of the time with a smile on my face and putting a smile on other's to. But it is a mask, just one I give an Oscar winning performance of wearing.
Oh, the one last treatment is electro convulsive therapy (ECT). Tomorrow is treatment four out of six. If that does not help then, well I really do not know where I go from here. I am running out of fight and my mask is slipping......
Well where do I start, I am not only new to this site, but I have never been in a chat room/forum before.
I was told by my then GP (at the age of 22), that I started showing symptoms of depression and anxiety as young as 7yrs old. I am now 39 (40 next month) and I am still hanging by a thread (no pun intended) and have never experienced a depression/anxiety free day in my life.
Brief history (no violins required) - My father started physically/emotionally/ psychologically abusing me when I was a few weeks old. I was used as a football and rugby ball, kicked and thrown around my home. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia and since I was born had a voice in her head that she could not ignore, which told her that if she showed me any love or kindness I would die. So she neglected me out of "love".
This was the norm for me throughout my childhood, my father getting increasingly violent against myself and my mother and my mother (when she was not sectioned) treated me as if I was of no importance to her whatsoever. I have only a few memories of childhood, most have been blocked by my brain going into self-preservation mode, all of them painful beyond measure.
Somehow I have managed to get to the age of 39, but it has been a life of utter torment. I have been sectioned once myself, there have been many suicide attempts (not for many years now). I have been on every psych medication and combinations of, known to man and womankind, but with no success. I have had Psychotherapy and schema focused CBT, which was of some help. But that strange thing I believe is called happiness continues to allude me. I have looked everywhere for it, I even tried ebay and amazon!
I suppose it is quite tragic really, that coming up to 40 and I have never had an enjoyable, happy, exciting day in my life. Actually that really is tragic, I had never really thought about it that much until I just typed it.
Obviously this has been a very very very shortened, clipped and brief account of my life, or lack there of. Something has happened recently, a sort of tipping point, but I am not sure what it is. Maybe it is the 40 thing and the hellish prospect of possibly another 40 to go. Or maybe because I have run out of treatment options, apart from one.
By reading this you will not have got an accurate impression of me. I fight to live every day of my life, I fight like a man possessed. And I manage to do it most of the time with a smile on my face and putting a smile on other's to. But it is a mask, just one I give an Oscar winning performance of wearing.
Oh, the one last treatment is electro convulsive therapy (ECT). Tomorrow is treatment four out of six. If that does not help then, well I really do not know where I go from here. I am running out of fight and my mask is slipping......