Princess Lilith
20-06-11, 01:21
I am 36, suffering of PTS, PANIC Attacks, Anixiety, Claustrophobya, Phobya of the hights.
Sorry for my English as it is not the best. I am 36 now. High educated, nice looking womman (people say).When I was 11 I saw my father having harth attack and than are starting my troubles. I got in panik that I will get hart attack too.. whenever I hear the worth "hearth attack" I get in panic and feeling like I got one.
I grown up in an way that all I do should be perfe teenagect. My granny was allso liviong with my Partents in our Castle and torturing me with what is anough correct5, what not. How I have to look, which make up I have to use and which clothes! I was never free to choose allone :(( And of corse what I should say to people and how to behave!! Allvays that terror theatre!!! And never to be free to be myself. I have had to be best in the schools! Not vschool, but schools!!!! I was.. really.. but it was not anough... I was allvays under pressure. My mom have affraid from her mom (my granny) and danced how she wanted! Letting her to destroy all my childhood + teenage times. I was told every day man are pigs. I As I was anough big teeny to have an realtionship I understood it liker I have to date an girl!!! When my granny found out she was very evil and angry on me. I dd not but understood why!!! I feelt allvays under stress... When I unedress in first schrub in somewhat what other teenage wear (what waas not allowed in my fammily) someone allvays told it to my fammily he saw me weatring this and that.. I was affraid to get back home every time. I would but dress that old times clothes again to look correct to my fammily. When I get good but not best note in scvhool I got big trouble at home expecially when we was eating. They would all together yell on me with no end that I am for notthing and that I make bad picture of my fammily and I am an big shame! My mom told she born an monster and not an human. Mom was b but allvays under pressure from granny. If I wanted to carry short dress to me was told that i could than go on the street and be an prostitute!!! My fammily told me so!!!!
I have had no right to be an friend with other children and later teenagers because of theyr non German nationallity or theyr partents jobs because Granny told that is not our "niveu". I but still meet an girl as friend and she find out what is her parents job... Telling her "Can you be so polite and not come here again? You should understood that your mother is only an cook! And fatherr an fisher! And youzr clothes may be not appropriate. What will people say?" OMG!!!!! I feelt terrible!!!I was cooking, cleanning castle, gardenning.. Everything!! still granny was not happy. All I did was wrong!!!!
Than with years it get to be different. I just got panic attacks more and more with no reason... But when I go to sleep and lye in bed and try to sleep I got them. Liker electricity schocks I am getting ( the feeling) and I affraid that I will die.
Than appeared that I get allso a lot of fear of cosmic dissaster.. that we all will die in cluding me. I keep t falling on the floor feeing pain like in falling airplane I would seeing earth falling down in my immagination. I got so much affraid and worryes about planetar catastrophy. I am writting about it now so I think about it and affraid!!!
I thought I got big trouble untill 2 months ago... Than I saw I would be happy if it stayed like it was...
I become like an rebel for my own rights and life making "troubles to fammily that they find normal modern life I want to have l less troublesome. To seduce my pressure I was often self mutilating me, fior example I used rasor blade to cut my skin on my hands. The pain made me feel better and more free. Like the pressure was no more there.
Long years I am not living with my mom and granny..
My mom changed, saw her mistakes after she got allso too nervous under dicature from her mother. My Granny got old and weak but still having funn torturing people ( even neighbours!) with her poisoneus words!
I have great husband. Very lovelly one. I got nice house. Big one with big garden. and nice car. My mom help us with monney. I phone her often and she phone me too. I understand her well. Now she is taking my problems more seriously. Often I was telling her before about but I got yelling from her back and this thing : "In my times we did not knew for psychical troubles!"Now she is like other person...completelly...
Even my father changed which did not really cared for me befpore. He is still stubborn but not like before but I should not tell him still I got troubles to avoid to call me an Idiot..
My husband and I have Cats. No children but cats. Our cats are for us our children.
Our cat Clara runned under an car :(((( not too long ago... My husband saw it. The driver was not guilty as she runned on the side of car. He stopped but she runned directly under the wheel!He and hiswife are in big schock as they love ab nimals and have themseldf an dog bring like theyr son.
She was still living.. I got so big schock.. I just cryed very loud and we get to clinic for animals. Whole Team for all the monney on this world could not save her. I see every day how I carryed her and everywhere was blood. Her blood. On her an on me. I will not tell the details how she looked like as it is too horrible.. Her eye.. oh no:((((
I could not believe monney can not save her!!!
I we loved her so much and now she is dust in the Urn in our home!
After that is my worse trouble and my life changed to be very horrible. I got panic attacks more than 10 mal per day, I sleep 2-4 hours per night! I can not sleep no moreI am gerting it even when I try to sleep waking up. Even in days when I try to do normal home job I am getting it!!! Allvays that horrible feeling like electricity shock comming from under to up. I am trambeling with no end, screaming...running arround, falling on the floor...I can not get the air.. I runn and I smash cold water on me that I calm down by< the shock!!!Bromazepan does not work no more on me no matter how high doses..Than i runn in panik all over my house and garden being unable even to call doctor!!!The only thing what help is an glass of sparkling wine!!I do not know why that. Beer and other stuff do not help me. I am not alchoholic. I used to drink sometimes few glasses of wine after evenning eating with candles.. I never ever used drugs!!! I was so active and I did manny sports before. I have had alot of eenergy.
Than I see it helps me but astill I am not really on my self than I take next and next glass....
I know that is not good but that apanik attack -- it make me so much affrid and pain!! I jusdt want it stops! I afrraid of every single next day or night when I should sleep as it may come agin and it does:((((
i warned my friends about it. It is interresting that it never happen when I am with more froends together. But if with 1- 2 it happens!!! They should just know that I am not an dagerous person.. That I just feel bad sometimes and panik arround. Herbal relaxing teas I can forgett - help not at all to me as well herbal medicaments.
I know my husband have to go to work and oftejn can not sleep wel as I juast start to scream and tremmbling in bad! In days I tell him "I affraid! I feel bad!! HELPP!!" And he does notz know what to do. I know it is hard to living with person with trouble like I have.
This life becomed an big pain for me. all I wish I get normal. My biggest wish in life it is:( I can not even work no more :(((( Even not in hummanitary where I worked as volountair.
People loved me there.
Today I can be happy as I got only 3 tmes that horrible Panik attack. At evenning we visited our friends in Village and made some barbecue tpogether so was a lot of people what saved me of my further panic attackas.
Allso when I see that something at home is not anough tidy and on the other corner too I got dizziness and panic attack!!! Please can someone help me? My life do not make me happy no more. But I stil want to living and enjoy the life. I want to be able to remmember how it is to enjoy the life. Please...
I got even raped multiple times when i was teeanger (but young teenager).
I got no trouble to for example be on the Festival where are 50.000 People but I have trouble when for eymple I have to go to buy something, or friend invited me on barbecue or simmilars., Than I got panic attacks ( multiple). But when I am there it is ok. Can someone help me please?
Sorry for my English as it is not the best. I am 36 now. High educated, nice looking womman (people say).When I was 11 I saw my father having harth attack and than are starting my troubles. I got in panik that I will get hart attack too.. whenever I hear the worth "hearth attack" I get in panic and feeling like I got one.
I grown up in an way that all I do should be perfe teenagect. My granny was allso liviong with my Partents in our Castle and torturing me with what is anough correct5, what not. How I have to look, which make up I have to use and which clothes! I was never free to choose allone :(( And of corse what I should say to people and how to behave!! Allvays that terror theatre!!! And never to be free to be myself. I have had to be best in the schools! Not vschool, but schools!!!! I was.. really.. but it was not anough... I was allvays under pressure. My mom have affraid from her mom (my granny) and danced how she wanted! Letting her to destroy all my childhood + teenage times. I was told every day man are pigs. I As I was anough big teeny to have an realtionship I understood it liker I have to date an girl!!! When my granny found out she was very evil and angry on me. I dd not but understood why!!! I feelt allvays under stress... When I unedress in first schrub in somewhat what other teenage wear (what waas not allowed in my fammily) someone allvays told it to my fammily he saw me weatring this and that.. I was affraid to get back home every time. I would but dress that old times clothes again to look correct to my fammily. When I get good but not best note in scvhool I got big trouble at home expecially when we was eating. They would all together yell on me with no end that I am for notthing and that I make bad picture of my fammily and I am an big shame! My mom told she born an monster and not an human. Mom was b but allvays under pressure from granny. If I wanted to carry short dress to me was told that i could than go on the street and be an prostitute!!! My fammily told me so!!!!
I have had no right to be an friend with other children and later teenagers because of theyr non German nationallity or theyr partents jobs because Granny told that is not our "niveu". I but still meet an girl as friend and she find out what is her parents job... Telling her "Can you be so polite and not come here again? You should understood that your mother is only an cook! And fatherr an fisher! And youzr clothes may be not appropriate. What will people say?" OMG!!!!! I feelt terrible!!!I was cooking, cleanning castle, gardenning.. Everything!! still granny was not happy. All I did was wrong!!!!
Than with years it get to be different. I just got panic attacks more and more with no reason... But when I go to sleep and lye in bed and try to sleep I got them. Liker electricity schocks I am getting ( the feeling) and I affraid that I will die.
Than appeared that I get allso a lot of fear of cosmic dissaster.. that we all will die in cluding me. I keep t falling on the floor feeing pain like in falling airplane I would seeing earth falling down in my immagination. I got so much affraid and worryes about planetar catastrophy. I am writting about it now so I think about it and affraid!!!
I thought I got big trouble untill 2 months ago... Than I saw I would be happy if it stayed like it was...
I become like an rebel for my own rights and life making "troubles to fammily that they find normal modern life I want to have l less troublesome. To seduce my pressure I was often self mutilating me, fior example I used rasor blade to cut my skin on my hands. The pain made me feel better and more free. Like the pressure was no more there.
Long years I am not living with my mom and granny..
My mom changed, saw her mistakes after she got allso too nervous under dicature from her mother. My Granny got old and weak but still having funn torturing people ( even neighbours!) with her poisoneus words!
I have great husband. Very lovelly one. I got nice house. Big one with big garden. and nice car. My mom help us with monney. I phone her often and she phone me too. I understand her well. Now she is taking my problems more seriously. Often I was telling her before about but I got yelling from her back and this thing : "In my times we did not knew for psychical troubles!"Now she is like other person...completelly...
Even my father changed which did not really cared for me befpore. He is still stubborn but not like before but I should not tell him still I got troubles to avoid to call me an Idiot..
My husband and I have Cats. No children but cats. Our cats are for us our children.
Our cat Clara runned under an car :(((( not too long ago... My husband saw it. The driver was not guilty as she runned on the side of car. He stopped but she runned directly under the wheel!He and hiswife are in big schock as they love ab nimals and have themseldf an dog bring like theyr son.
She was still living.. I got so big schock.. I just cryed very loud and we get to clinic for animals. Whole Team for all the monney on this world could not save her. I see every day how I carryed her and everywhere was blood. Her blood. On her an on me. I will not tell the details how she looked like as it is too horrible.. Her eye.. oh no:((((
I could not believe monney can not save her!!!
I we loved her so much and now she is dust in the Urn in our home!
After that is my worse trouble and my life changed to be very horrible. I got panic attacks more than 10 mal per day, I sleep 2-4 hours per night! I can not sleep no moreI am gerting it even when I try to sleep waking up. Even in days when I try to do normal home job I am getting it!!! Allvays that horrible feeling like electricity shock comming from under to up. I am trambeling with no end, screaming...running arround, falling on the floor...I can not get the air.. I runn and I smash cold water on me that I calm down by< the shock!!!Bromazepan does not work no more on me no matter how high doses..Than i runn in panik all over my house and garden being unable even to call doctor!!!The only thing what help is an glass of sparkling wine!!I do not know why that. Beer and other stuff do not help me. I am not alchoholic. I used to drink sometimes few glasses of wine after evenning eating with candles.. I never ever used drugs!!! I was so active and I did manny sports before. I have had alot of eenergy.
Than I see it helps me but astill I am not really on my self than I take next and next glass....
I know that is not good but that apanik attack -- it make me so much affrid and pain!! I jusdt want it stops! I afrraid of every single next day or night when I should sleep as it may come agin and it does:((((
i warned my friends about it. It is interresting that it never happen when I am with more froends together. But if with 1- 2 it happens!!! They should just know that I am not an dagerous person.. That I just feel bad sometimes and panik arround. Herbal relaxing teas I can forgett - help not at all to me as well herbal medicaments.
I know my husband have to go to work and oftejn can not sleep wel as I juast start to scream and tremmbling in bad! In days I tell him "I affraid! I feel bad!! HELPP!!" And he does notz know what to do. I know it is hard to living with person with trouble like I have.
This life becomed an big pain for me. all I wish I get normal. My biggest wish in life it is:( I can not even work no more :(((( Even not in hummanitary where I worked as volountair.
People loved me there.
Today I can be happy as I got only 3 tmes that horrible Panik attack. At evenning we visited our friends in Village and made some barbecue tpogether so was a lot of people what saved me of my further panic attackas.
Allso when I see that something at home is not anough tidy and on the other corner too I got dizziness and panic attack!!! Please can someone help me? My life do not make me happy no more. But I stil want to living and enjoy the life. I want to be able to remmember how it is to enjoy the life. Please...
I got even raped multiple times when i was teeanger (but young teenager).
I got no trouble to for example be on the Festival where are 50.000 People but I have trouble when for eymple I have to go to buy something, or friend invited me on barbecue or simmilars., Than I got panic attacks ( multiple). But when I am there it is ok. Can someone help me please?