Off work again!

[CE3K]

I've managed to stay in work all this year (since I had 7 weeks of before Xmas with 'stress/anxiety'. It's not been easy mind you, as nothing's changed in relation to the workload and incompetent senior management! I've still experienced anticpatory anxiety with regards to meetings/meeting rooms and have since last December and on top, have developed constant nausea (sick feelings in throat and stomach, plus constant feeling of exhaustion). This developed into pain in upper left stomach/colon area. My GP has signed me off work again (two weeks) and referred me for a gastroscopy (this Thursday!!!). Since I've been off work this time, I've now also developed the 'thoughts racing' symptoms and 'staring into empty space' . . . also I sometimes find myself not really listening to what my wife/daughters/neighbours are talking to me about . . . . not sure if the is what's known as 'de-realisation'?
Anyway, I'm really fed up with all this . . . . my main issues are:
1. Work and the thought of having to go back again to a place that stresses me out. However, at 58, I'm not in a great position to think about changing jobs/career, especially in today's economic climate.
2. The slightest 'flashing thought' (milli-seconds) causes yet another adrenalin rush, adding to the nausea etc. I try to use the 'stop' technique and try to smile etc; but it's hard work.
3. The gastroscopy . . . I've had one before (no throat spray or sedation) when I wasn't experiencing an anxiety state, but now that I am, I can't stop thinking about Thursday (even though I've read all the posts on here about this procedure, and the fact that I've had one before). I desperately don't want sedation and I'm trying to convince myself that the anticipation is worse than the actual procedure.
4. I want to win the lottery! (How many of us say this most days of the week?) . . . so I can pack in the job, but keep my family secure.

All in all, I guess I'm just really fed up that this thing has hit again, and it definitely stems from the work situation. I'm in a bit of turmoil about what to do. I can still laugh, I can relax at times . . . but that's easier for me when I'm at home.
Just a bit of an offload really . . . but I'd welcome any thoughts/observations (PS . . . I don't and won't take AD's from bad experiences years ago . . . so just try to stick to the self-help approach).

[Tyke]

Hi rmh

Just wondered if there is anything you can do with the job you've got. Is there any chance of doing something less stressful within the company? Could you change or reduce your hours at all? As you genuinely do have health problems, could that make them more sympathetic to a suitable change in your routines?

I want to win the lottery too! :D:D:D

Tyke

[CE3K]

Thanks for your response Tyke . . . . I have had occassional thoughts about reducing hours or requesting a 'downgrade' that would put me back to where I was ten years ago . . . the main problems would be the big drop in salary (20%) and the fact that I've built up my department and team from pretty much scratch and people around the organisation value my experience and knowledge . . . therefore, I'm not sure I could 'cope' with what would effectively be a role reversal . . . . it would be kind of hard to swallow!
I'm sure a lot of the way I feel (and am) at work is the fact that anxiety changes the way you feel . . . . I know that if I was 'back to normal', my job would be relatively enjoyable and I'd take things as they come. The fact that I'm now unwell yet again, means that I don't feel I can cope . . . . I've lost confidence in bucketloads and know I've got low self-esteem.
I wish I could just flick a switch and turn off this adrenalin and the nausea. Also lurking in the background is an occassional feeling of dread/doom/panic . . . fortunately, it hasn't come to the fore, but knowing it's there adds to my discomfort.
Anyway, I'll see how today goes (painting walls!) . . . thanks again for your reply.

[blueangel]

Hi rmh, I think we spoke before - sorry to hear you're suffering at the moment. Don't forget that you got through it before. Is your GP giving you anything to cope with the anxiety?

[CE3K]

Hi Blueangel . . . yes, I remember you responded to my post last year . . . so thanks for doing the same again . . . .
I don't like taking meds, and won't go on AD's. However, I have got an emergency pack of Diazepam, which were prescribed last year. I've still got over half a pack left because I only ever take in an emergency (maybe one this Thursday before the gastroscopy!! :)). I also have Propanolol (half a pack left from last year) . . . I came of these after only two weeks because they began to make me have depression symptoms . . . but I agreed that they did help the anxiety at that time. So, I'm in two minds whther to take a Propanolol each day for the next few days and see how I get on.

[blueangel]

You might well find the propranolol helpful, as they will damp down the physical symptoms and give you a bit of a rest from them. Taking a diazepam before the endoscopy sounds like a good idea though, as it will make you generally more relaxed. Good luck!

[CE3K]

You might well find the propranolol helpful, as they will damp down the physical symptoms and give you a bit of a rest from them. Taking a diazepam before the endoscopy sounds like a good idea though, as it will make you generally more relaxed. Good luck!

I most probably will take a diazepam, rather than try to be a hero :D. Still undecided about the Propanolol . . . but I can identify with your view that it might help damp down the physical symptoms . . . decisions, decisions ! :doh:

[CE3K]

Had the gastroscopy this morning, and it was fine :) . . . ok, I did take 2mg Diazepam a couple of hours before-hand, and that was enough to take the edge off the anxiety (though it didn't stop the adrenalin rushes and nausea).
The staff were brilliant and I did have the throat spray.
I was suprised that I didn't gag once (though I belched a bit of wind up twice).
No pain at all and I got the results straight afterwards (plus a photo to look at).
Bottom line is oesophagitis and duodenitis. They took a biopsy and have also tested for H. Pylori.
Guess I'll be called back to see the consultant sometime in the next couple of weeks for the full lowdown.
My main problem now is this work issue . . . . still can't get my head around going back on Monday after the two weeks I've had off. I'm going to see how I feel tomorrow, when I have a discussion with my GP . . . if I'm honest with myself, I'd really like to quit this job, but finding something else at the same or similar salary is going to be tough.

[blueangel]

hmm.... I'm sure you'll know this one from your own experience, but it's always easier to get another job if you're still in a job at the time (if you know what I mean), so I would be very cautious about just quitting the job unless you've got another one to go to. However, you could try signing up with agencies etc. so that you can get a start in finding something else?