wewantfun
20-06-11, 21:32
Hey guys, not been on here for a while as life seemed to be going good...and then BAM! knocks me back again.
I been haveing CBT for the past 14weeks and it was/is really helping me and i was starting to feel so much better in myself, started getting me confidence back, the "old me" was coming back so to speak, had a good out look on life, had the odd problem here and there but i took it on the chin and let it pass me by.
But then 2 weeks ago i started feeling funny and off, so i took a prgnancy test and found out i was pregnant, i didn't really know how to feel as im on the mini pill and thought we were safe, but hey nothings 100% right?
i talked things over with my partner and we decided not to keep it as my mental health was still an issue for me and i was starting a new job aswell. It really was a hard decision for me to make as i have 2 children already aged 16 and 10, but now its my time to have a career and earn money to give my kids things i've not been able to give them in the past, selfish..maybe, but sensible i think.
But then i started to feel funny again and for days i kept saying " i dont feel pregnant" then last week i started getting pain, and bleeding, and i went to A+E where they took bloods, and scaned me, they couldn't see anything on the scan just my womb full of blood, tubes were fine, as i was worried about an ectopic pregnancy (history in my family) so it looked like i was having a miscarraige, but they couldn't tell so i had to go back today for another blood test, that way they can tell by the level of pregnancy hormone if i have miscarried, ectopic or stll pregnant. The not knowing is driving me insane:weep: i can't relax, im angry, emotional, my anxiety symptoms are going crazy ( my throat is what gets effected, it feels like its swelling up) i feel so down one minute then carry on like nothing is wrong the next minute even now im starting to cry while typing.
The thing is, i'm happy that my body has done this naturally, and that i didn't have to go through the pain of going to a clinic and have treatment for a termination, but also i feel guilty for feeling like this, im such a mess at the moment. My partner is supportive but only to a certain point, he goes very quiet and never tells me what he's really thinking, he just tells me he loves me and that im all he cares about, which is nice but i know he's holding back. to top all that his parents have offerd to give us a deposit to buy a house, which is incredibly generous of them and im a little overwhelmed by it to be honest, i've never been in a position in my life to be offerd something like this, and its a little hard for me to take in, and what with a new job i started today everything just seems to be happening so quickly i just dont seem to have time to process anything.
Thank god for my CBT councillor cos she is my rock at the moment. i dont even know why im writing on here bit it just seems a relief to write it down in a way.
I'm just so confused and anxious i just dont know what to say to anybody.
I been haveing CBT for the past 14weeks and it was/is really helping me and i was starting to feel so much better in myself, started getting me confidence back, the "old me" was coming back so to speak, had a good out look on life, had the odd problem here and there but i took it on the chin and let it pass me by.
But then 2 weeks ago i started feeling funny and off, so i took a prgnancy test and found out i was pregnant, i didn't really know how to feel as im on the mini pill and thought we were safe, but hey nothings 100% right?
i talked things over with my partner and we decided not to keep it as my mental health was still an issue for me and i was starting a new job aswell. It really was a hard decision for me to make as i have 2 children already aged 16 and 10, but now its my time to have a career and earn money to give my kids things i've not been able to give them in the past, selfish..maybe, but sensible i think.
But then i started to feel funny again and for days i kept saying " i dont feel pregnant" then last week i started getting pain, and bleeding, and i went to A+E where they took bloods, and scaned me, they couldn't see anything on the scan just my womb full of blood, tubes were fine, as i was worried about an ectopic pregnancy (history in my family) so it looked like i was having a miscarraige, but they couldn't tell so i had to go back today for another blood test, that way they can tell by the level of pregnancy hormone if i have miscarried, ectopic or stll pregnant. The not knowing is driving me insane:weep: i can't relax, im angry, emotional, my anxiety symptoms are going crazy ( my throat is what gets effected, it feels like its swelling up) i feel so down one minute then carry on like nothing is wrong the next minute even now im starting to cry while typing.
The thing is, i'm happy that my body has done this naturally, and that i didn't have to go through the pain of going to a clinic and have treatment for a termination, but also i feel guilty for feeling like this, im such a mess at the moment. My partner is supportive but only to a certain point, he goes very quiet and never tells me what he's really thinking, he just tells me he loves me and that im all he cares about, which is nice but i know he's holding back. to top all that his parents have offerd to give us a deposit to buy a house, which is incredibly generous of them and im a little overwhelmed by it to be honest, i've never been in a position in my life to be offerd something like this, and its a little hard for me to take in, and what with a new job i started today everything just seems to be happening so quickly i just dont seem to have time to process anything.
Thank god for my CBT councillor cos she is my rock at the moment. i dont even know why im writing on here bit it just seems a relief to write it down in a way.
I'm just so confused and anxious i just dont know what to say to anybody.