daily feelings

[ciccone-hassell]

hi ppls i hope all had good day , i thought i might start this thread just as a daily thing how things are going for myself and she if others feeling same atm ,
i had a bad day today not the worst but not great, woke up had breakfast and then came online gen felt ok but having shower this morning just had huge black feelin come over me like a wave :( of gen panic and worry , i've had fair bit problems at work the just dont understand my problem that i have shared on here they think i'm a freak and silly and say that my gp will throw me off the books if i constantly go down see gp and also they say it dam right silly taking beater blokers and me checkin my pulse is utter madness :wacko: its really crushed my feelins and i gettin more nervous now today i had lunch after shower had to pop to work to escort pat tester onsite and i felt in constant fear my heart raced all day , sweats , heavy feelin on chest , nervous , and just lightheaded to i'm a utter mess :( i tryed soooo hard to come over relaxed at work an be :):):) but failin myself atm , i also bumped into an old friend and was talkin to her " lovely lady " till we got onto suject of god etc " oh blimey " she really started quotin this to me and said that bein a gay man i will goto hell and that i shall suffer etc etc etc its really :ohmy: me and :weep: me soooo much i feel silly stupid and crazy , my hearts beatin like mad i'm scared of going bed and i just want my life back sick of checkin pulse i need a good :doh: in the face , sorry ppl for moaning and growning i just wanted get it off my chest , huge respect to all , marky :hugs:

[jill]

Hi hun :D:hugs:

Sorry to hear how things are going for you right now, :hugs: my heart goes out to you,

It IS good to write things down, put hunny, you have to TRY soo dame hard to get the balance, not only writing the bad things, but TAKE NOTE on the times when your level of anxiety is less, because when anxiety is lesser, this IS PROGRESS and must try and acknowledge this.

I have dealt with many, many different people over the years, for reasons I will not go into right now, BUT, all are different and will have different opinions, I know you want to find people who you can talk to, but this can be hard, some people just DON'T understand and my thoughts on this are, to understand something you have had to have gone through it, and I would not wish Panic/ high levels of anxiety on anyone, so its OK, they don't understand and those who are horrible about it, WELL they have issues of there own they NEED TO ADDRESS, YES?

YOU ARE NOT a freak OR silly, you are a person with emotional issues and you trying your best to fix things and right now, your best is good enough, please hun, I know its hard for you, try and NOT let what they said effect you, they are just ignorant people, who just don't understand. I know I just felt sorry for them because I KNOW, when you get your knowledge under your belt about panic/anxiety YOU yourself WILL know more than them about life and how to deal with things, THIS WILL happen for you, but its going to take alot of hard work, time and the right support, believe you can get better, truly believe and your mind WILL find ways to do it.


As for meeting your SO CALLED friend, that lovely lady :ohmy: not so lovely hay?

YOU KNOW what hun, as I said, people will have there opinion, BUT THEY ARE NOT always right and SHE is defo, NOT RIGHT. you know deep down your a good man, you are who you are, you where made this way. It DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL how you live your life, it only matter to judgmental people, WHO I think, have issues of there own AND they don't know it.

I know its hard for you :hugs: but PLEASE don't take it it heart what she said, its NOT important.

YOU DON'T need a smack in the face, what you need is someone to talk to who is NOT judgmental, post on hear hun this site is a good place to be,:yesyes:

I do hope your feeling a little better today.

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XX

[ciccone-hassell]

hi JILL
thank you ever so much for taking the time to read and post back , what you have said makes total sense and i agree that my friends and the lady are the ones who dont understand what we are going thought i think its just built up inside me all day yesterday and last night i didnt sleep hardly as heart was thumpin like a drum all night and yes i went and checked pulse again :( silly me , i did right speak to the nurse at docs and she did say like " alot people have said " by checkin my pulse my mind will make the heart beat faster so even tho its hard not to just dont check it , it will be fine , the nurse did seem to understand like she said try music or a book at night time to reduce noiticin my heart beat " so i will give that a go tonight " i'll try anything and will take any advice any lovely kind person will offer on here , even tho i'm new i think that here theres a huge sense of togetherness and we as being as 1 for a change " insted of feelin alone :( , mum + family said same regards lady and god and so has a ffew good friend to i have tryed puut that in the bin and forget it and totally agree writing both good and bad situations are a good idea " i shall get a note book and start that today " GOOD ADVICE THANK YOU JILL FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART xxx

[ciccone-hassell]

feelin ok atm tonight work wasnt to bad today " little sad as 1 off my good workers has left today but we have built a good 3 year friendship + both agree to keep in contact and spend time together " be nice " apart from that i'm now chillin out here and gunna hit the games section in minute " love the games here " then gunna be strong and no checkin pulse tonight " fingers crossed " got wee pain in chest but remaining possitive thinking " well he says but i'm still goto try ,, nervous bout tomozz meetin someone i never met b4 so i new would be bit tense tonight but am trying us possitive thoughts and thinking " well if i dont meet him i shall regret " it ,, so all i can really do is try my best ,, right ppl , i head games area and i'll let all know tomozz hows i gets on xxxx night all xx

[jill]

Hi hun :D:hugs:

Its good to hear your feeling ok, :yesyes:

You are sooo right, you can only do your best with anything and your best is good enough.

It sounds like you have a very supportive :yesyes:

Always remember you are never alone in how you feel, there are lots of nice people on here, you could also go into chat, Mmm I have been a memeber here for :whistles:over 6 years, I think and only been in chat, Mmm once, but from what I have heard, its a good place to go and chat if you have issues or just want to chat in general and make some friends.

I play the games a lot too, haha, not that good though LOL

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XXX

I do hope things go well with not checking your pulse, it can be hard breaking a habit, BUT YOU WILL do it in time.

[Tyke]

Hi Marky

Unfortunately work colleagues can often be totally unsympethetic to these kind of issues. I never tell anyone at work as a matter of routine. At least on here you know no one will be like that. It sounds like your work mates think that if you ignore it, it will go away. If only that were true! :lac:

As for your homophobic 'lady friend', well, I would give her a wide berth in future. She really doesn't sound that friendly! I think most people today accept there is nothing wrong with being gay.

Tyke

[ciccone-hassell]

thanks tyke and jill " as allways " :) theres a great bunch friend here deffo :),
just updating again lol , woke up yesterday feelin stressed as new i was havin a little meetin with my boss and work m8s " got worked up as was nervous " i also planned meet friend as well , so my body was in mess all yesterday , picked friend up from station and headed bk to hotel " didnt feel very relaxed with them and went to work " meetin was fine so felt :) after that was over so i new in my heart i can cope with it !! , then thought about friend @ hotel went bk to room felt VERY uncomfortable and VERY nervous being with him " it was the weridest feelin in my heart as if sumthing bad would happen " i stayed there til 10pm but in end i just left him there :blush:i no it sounds silly but i was genuinely scared for my safety around him and yeah i lost the £45 i payed for room but i think well i'm still alive this morning lol , the only huge thing i am feelin atm is WHY WHY and WOTS GOING ON !! ,,, are my feelings changing ? ,, am i becoming more a worryer ? ,, or was it just a sicksense ? ,, spoken to mum + sister last night they said " they think i was very sensible leavin him there at end of day i should feel safe around somebody , yes we get nervous BUT if theres just somethink not 100% right then leave ,, its just a kick in the teeth and another person i have meet that i havent clicked with :( making me question my sexuality :( but i no i'm gay i had boyfriend b4 and loved him etc and they feelins i get with men so i no thats ok , just put it down to bad experiance i guess :( ,,, i am extremly low this morning but i just gunna get game playin + forget it or at least try ,,, PULSE UPDATE >>> i havent checked it now 2 days <<< PULSE UPDATE ,,, :D hehe , mind i wish i was at glastonbury all that mud wallowing would be FUN FUN FUN but then again why do ppl turn everything sexualy nowadays " eye eye i'm gunna RANT " but is true its like i think gettin muddy and to have a food fight and slimed would be HUGE FUN AND A GIGGLE RIGHT !!!! but oh nope ppl THINK !!! that everything is a sexualy thing , well its not ,, my attitude we grow up way to fast in life and why cant we be childish if we want from time to time ay ? ,, and u dont see all people at muddy festivals havin sex do ya ! you dont see clowns havin sex when they have food fights ! or people gettin gunge/slimed on tv "people gettin soaked in rain storm " so NO SEX needed in FUN things i say !!!!! <<< RANT OVER >>> hehehe hope all have a lovely day huge hugs forevers xxxx

[James1983]

Hello, nice to hear you have not been checking your pulse for a couple of days. I still check mine now and then. Work makes me anxious as well i think with me it's a case of fear of having a panic attack at work and being embarrassed . You were right to leave the hotel if you felt uncomfortable don't worry some people we click with other's we don't. There's always another day.

[ciccone-hassell]

yeah indeed there is m8 , hope your feeling ok today ? ,, panic attacks i so hate them " nothing worst feelin i say " :( , with my job least i can pop outside or hide away for few mins to carm meself down but isnt it just sods law i tend get panic attack when i can,t hide :( ,, i'll leave ppl in peace now and hope rest of your day goes well :) i'm headin work in bit :(

[jill]

Hi hun :D:hugs:

Its GREAT to hear you have not been checking your pulse, WELL DONE, you should be soooo proud of yourself :yesyes:

We cannot always click with everyone we meet, you did what you thought was right and THATS OK.

I had to laugh when you talked about glastonbury, it sounds soo much fun and I would like to get muddieD up with anyone, JUST FOR FUN, it would be a great laugh :roflmao:

They say, "take your childhood with you and you will never grow old, I do believe this, sometimes us grownups can be boring, no fun. I am 47 years young LOL and on holiday, YES, its ME on the kids swings and having a go of the slide :roflmao::yahoo: and on the beach making the biggest sandcastle LOL :shades::shades: :yesyes: :wacko:

This puts me in mind of a........ which IS on this great site..


Motivational Poem

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions


When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.
My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.
My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen.
My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.
My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that.
My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?
Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XXX

[HRose]

Hey Ciccone and all you other lovely people. This site is wonderful - just reading the support people who are essentially strangers give to each other on here is truly lovely. I can absolutely relate to the panic at work thing - luckily I have an incredibly understanding manager (I work in a bookshop), and the rest of the staff have been told that I have 'vertigo attacks', so knowing that I'm supported at work does help things slightly, but I still feel horrendous most days!
So glad to have found people who seem to understand each other on here, I reckon it offers a little bit of much needed comfort. Take care everybody xx hannah

[ciccone-hassell]

hey jill
well thats a lovely poem " gosh your sooooooo clever :hugs: and as for you enjoying the slides and on the beach :) i think your the best mummy in the world :D an you should be so so proud of the fact as well my dear :) ,,
i think that its awesome your havin a great hols and its true i think if we grow old to fast then why bother and i allways think as well that schools put far to much presure on kids to do this that and the other , exams for this and that , they should STOP let children be children let them play , role play , hav adventures , dress up , play and fun make em smile , i remeber at school playin in the water/sand it was fun but teaches kids to mix etc " but the boring goverment stops everything fun ,,,, :(
yeah i'm jelous of em at glastonbury looks well fun all mud monstors together hehe ,,,
i need to get a outdoor party on ere set up where we have a huge mud bath or food fight or pie fight hehehe water fight lol just bring sum big :D s in life i say lol
oh and lastly !!!!!! i wanna build a sand castle to hehe with a moat round it hehe
once again huge :hugs: and a :D u allways reply with lovely words
love marky xxx

[ciccone-hassell]

hi ppls just todays update :)
last night i didnt pulse check still " trying " :) didnt get sleep till 4am tho thought i was gunna have a nasty IBS attack but didnt my tummy just fancyed makin a noise hehe , woke up few times in the nite tho + 1 time i add pins and needles in my left arm "paniced to start with but once i wave me arm round seem ok " lol , got up chillin atm might head for alk laters tis all very boring for me atm + do hate going out seeing ppl happy and with sumone " no far " wish everything woul click into place now :( :( ,, i'm in a pickle as to stop takin the beater blockers and try the amitriptyline again at night as i've noitce my aches and pains are 100% worst atm and check aching few times in the day " i trying but not working yet " not to fear the pain in chest :( , its like a pins been stuck in check and then it goes :( dont think i ever understand it but i goto behave and remeber i have had ecgs and holster so can't be the heart " he says not very confidenely lol " i wish there was a way i could just find direction and aims in life , my get up and go has gone today and everyday for me is like ground hog day , i adore my family but i need a change of being around them most of the day i cant wait to move out and pop home and see them and catch up etc , right i stop me moanin guys LOL huge love"n"respect for 1 and ALL ,, marky xxxxx >>> oh and not sunbathing ppl without loiton on hehe <<< marky look after ya all xx

[ciccone-hassell]

was thinkin i was gunna do ok today but what a mistake that was :ohmy: i ended up going work after lunch time to catch up on jobs etc and to make this next week better and less busy for me , i was walking to work and a huge wave of anxiety came over me so so sudden to :( , goto work ok and just in the whole time i was there i just felt extremely scared and upset very panicy and really low feelings i think it doesnt help thinkin and knowing others will be with there friends and partners enjoying the weather yet theres little old me hidin away at work :weep: dont get me wrong i have a family i live with and love them dearly i just need my own life i guess , does get very boring same thing day in day out , i just want excitment and happyness and bit of joy in my life " i no its only ME who can find that and I'M trying very hard to find it , i did feel my chest poundin since then and still is now BUT i havent checked pulse " i no it be sky high if i did " my body just feels buggered now " so so low hate comin online specaily facebook seein others havin a nice weekend and i've dun nothing " zzzz " sorry for moaning on here :( , so fightened that THIS IS MY LIFE NOW , lonely and worrying 24/7 , nope goto try init :scared15: ,, hope all have had nice day :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::flowers::)

[James1983]

Hello, I woke up with pins and needles as well it took a minute or 2 for them to go, so i was a bit anxious and i got a little bit nervy at work today after breakfast i am over sensitive to my chest area for any twinges, pain etc. what a state we can get ourselves in :roflmao: I have had 6 ECG in the last year but i still cant get my head round my heart being alright. remember don't get lonely Marky we are only a few clicks away as HRose said earlier we all come as strangers to support each other who know what each other person goes through.:bighug1:

[daybyday]

Thank you for the poem Jill.
It was beautiful.

[ciccone-hassell]

morning all :)
well i was doing well no checkin pulse :( but yep i broke the habit at 2am this morning , i woke up and heart made me feel sick " 99 bpm " drifted off into good sleep woke up at 9am " thought i was gunna av a good day today " well was gunna try " but nope feelin like crap been up centre get shoppin and hard pals at the till " only a few seconds but comin home can feel the tention buildin inside , tounge feels funny ,headaches , fast heart and feel so angry as well , down to :( ,, doesnt help as was chattin to mum bout it and told her i dont feel i belong in the family home anymore that i need space of my own and that i'm just like a logger " i did say to her i wasnt upsetin her but the guilt still kicks in as it allways does , just need change in life of everything i guess ,,, people who dont suffer dont know how lucky they are i think :( ,, i gunna head off for bit just updating as i go " dont wanna sound like a freak or moaner on ere just find it may help just 1 person know they are not alone if they are havin same issures like me , hugs4ever marky

[James1983]

Don't worry Marky, I find that i have good days and bad days, i think i am doing well and then i have a relapse. 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. :weep: stuck on the same square.

[ciccone-hassell]

hehe i no m8 wot we like ay hehe ,,, its like we,'re walking the plank of panic hehe , hows your day been ? :)

[James1983]

Hello Marky, I have not been too bad the last couple of days, but i was a bit anxious earlier(a palpitation) but i think i am alright as i write this it is trying not to dwell on it. hope all is well with You:winks:

[ciccone-hassell]

yeah i'm not 3 bad today , yesterday i add downer day so was in bed till i went to work at 3:30pm but went with boss to a site in oswestry so was ok got back at 6pm then went with 2 girls at work for a drink " was dead nervous bout going but did it " and enjoyed it so felt last night really :) for few hours but bed time went off fast :) but only woke up once and was feelin bit stressed :( , got up today ended up bein rather agresstive to my family " which i feel guilty about " but think i'm just strugglin with feelin as tho i cant control my own live while livin at home with them , i hav tryed to grow up but constantly feel as tho i'm a child and it get boring bein round them all the time as well , need my own space so that i can make new friends" try " and invite them over and enjoy there company , " maybe i sound moanin or ungratefull " but i'm not ,,, current feeling atm , glad get out to work / pulse not checked today yet / need whole new life lol ,,, hows u james ;-) ;-) back lol i love gettin winks hehehe

[jill]

Hi hun :D:hugs:

I have just looked at your profile and I see you don;t say if your getting any support or not, hunny, if the anxiety and stress are getting to much please go and talk to your gp, ask if you can have some therapy, CBT is good but maybe you need talk therapy first.

YOU ARE doing REALLY well in helping yourself but sometimes we just need a little more and when we start helping our selves we start to feel a little more in control of our lives.

If you have guilty feelings in anything you have done then, PLEASE address this, talk to your family and say sorry, we ALL do this from time to time, BUT, IF WE are in the wrong then we need to address this.

I used to get angry at times, but came to understand that it was NOT the person I was angry at really, most of the time, it was the way I felt about MYSELF and all the symptoms and not understanding things for myself.

Hahah, I can still get angry, SOMETIMES, BUT, hay, I am menopausal LOL THATS NO excuse :roflmao: but now I take a deep breath, say, NOT to talk now, talk later, then address it at a later time when I have calmed down and nearly all of the time my anger, there is NO NEED FOR. I do have a good support network around me, I do count my blessing :noangel:

I feel that was part of my recovery, having a good support network around me.

Learning about panic/anxiety is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, learning about myself was just as hard AND still learning, even when I had the blip the beginning of this year after being panic/high anxiety free for a long time, Mrs anxiety caught me off guard :ohmy: I know full well, a mind full of anxiety can't think straight, but this knowledge ohhhh boy, avoided me for awhile, now not sure if symptoms in the morning is due to anxiety OR pr menopause LOL, ohh never mind, I will ride it, count my blessing, its just mornings, be patient and it just may go. :yesyes:

Hun, have a chat with your gp to see if you can have some therapy or concealing OR you an look on the net for free CBT or read books on it, anything to help yourself will help you gain control of your life.

Don't forget the balance, we can learn how to get better, BUT we must try and live to, do happy things away from learning about panic/anxiety, no matter how small, do the things that make us happy. :D:yesyes:

Its great to hear you have not checked your pules WELL DONE :yesyes:

TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XXX