anyone re assess friendships they had before ?

[evil monkey]

i had a best mate here, used to do justabout everything. but as i dived down into this and lost contact before i figured out what was happening (about a year). basically cut contact now (he doesnt reply.)

to cut a long story short, its struck me i was always the 'other guy' that hung around with him, to make him look good. went to his wedding on holiday in africa (which since hasnt worked) and all sorts. but its struck me i was always slightly poked fun at (for being the guy who hung around with him) etc.

realised he was never interested in talking about stress stuff. it was always on his terms, rather than just understanding. a year after cutting contact i found out all my replies to his questions were 'panic attacks'. so i didnt know what was happening at the time and couldnt tell him. I think, he just didnt care.

yeh. he just didnt get it and added insult to injury (it must be great dossing around with no job)

his house his rules

[mrk74]

Unfortunatly mate most friends are only your'e friends when it suits them, once they get what they want in life then its see ya mate! Ive only got 1 decent friend and I hardly see him.

[kibbutz83]

I kind of agree with you Mark... I think maybe as anxiety sufferers, our concept of friendship shifts. I think our needs change too.. sometimes we can be "difficult" for other people to handle and understand, and if they have their own troubles, they don't want ours too... I used to be too giving to friends, and realized recently that this wasn't healthy for me... If we are able to hide our "problems" from people, and never talk about them, I think we'd have more friends... but anxiety or depression always rears it's ugly head, and most people can't be a**** to stick around :(
What's the saying... "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone"... sad but true :(

[debs71]

I know what you mean, evil monkey.

When I had my breakdown after a long bout of depression 8 years ago, my best friend at the time just wasn't there for me at all. When I tried to explain depression and my experience to her she brushed it off saying 'oh yeh, well I get down sometimes', and changed the subject to just bang on about her latest boyfriend.

It really made me consider our friendship and it's worth and having been friends since the age of 12 for over 25 years, I now no longer see her.

Everything was always so one sided with her, and I was always more of the wallflower tagging along when we were younger in nightclubs, etc. and the only time I ever saw her was when she had something to tell me about, which was usually new boyfriends or during school holidays when she was trying to entertain her daughter and was bored.

I think before I was ill I just bore it, but I when I became unwell everything not right about the friendship was magnified as you are supposed to be able to rely on good friends to be there, but she never once picked up the phone to call me when I was at my lowest, and that hurt me.

I know that mental health is often hard for people to get a handle on, but some effort would have been nice.

When I got better I just had enough of it always being at her convenience and told her so. She acted shocked and stunned at my saying this and basically went on the defensive so I just let things go with us in the end.

I think true friends in every sense of the word are hard to come by, and you really do know who they are, or are not after experiences like ours.xx

[Rain]

I think we often put up with friendships that fall far short of the ideal. The whole point of a friend is to make you feel good but often we let so called friendships linger when the other person constantly brings us down. I have been in these sorts of friendships where everything somehow seems unequal, when I was always the one who did all the running. I was constantly placating my friend and always trying to get them to be nicer to me. We always discussed my friend’s life/problems/achievements and never seemed to give mine the same consideration. I think we all know when we are in one of these ‘friendships’ which is totally one sided. It’s not surprising that we eventually have enough of it and walk away. Making a clean break is by far the best thing to do. It might hurt at the time but new friends always do come along. It is bad for our self esteem to carry on being a second class citizen. It’s worth waiting for real friendship.

[evil monkey]

yeah. theres lots of stuff going in there. think it was as real as it could be..but maybe cant expect people to make room for it? ? had a religious upbringing and wonder if that sort of social circle would be more accomodating, but it was religion which got me into this state squarely in the first place and i know what its got to offer. or what it hasnt got to offer.