Defined by depression?

[debs71]

Hi Friends,

Over the past months I have had some relationship worries, and had been very upset and low about them, to the point where I was seeing the return of my depression. Over the past week or so though I am feeling better and not as low as I am when my depression is in full flow, but just low in mood generally, but at a level I would consider normal, considering what has occured with my relationship.

Anyway, I spoke on the messenger with a friend of mine who lives abroad this evening. She asked me how I was and I answered that I felt down but was ok. She replied 'are you taking any pills?'

This frustrated and quite annoyed me to be honest. It got me thinking that when we have a history of depression or anxiety are we forever to be defined by the label of 'the depressed/anxious person'?

What I am trying to say is that I wonder if we are ever able to be seen as exhibiting the normal level of emotional upset/lows that a person with troubles naturally feels (like heartbreak when dumped or grief when bereaved) without someone automatically explaining it away as 'oh they are depressed again'?

I recognise when I am depressed. I also recognise when I am just feeling down like 'normal' folk do, but I am wondering if the people around you will ever give you the benefit of the doubt ever again once you have at all suffered with depression?

Depression is something we have had or do have, but does it always have to define us in others eyes?:shrug:

[Johno]

Hi Debs,

What a realy good post. I am struggling at the moment to build up to a level of happiness that other folk take for granted and am taking 40mg of citaolpram to help with that. For over 6 weeks I have been going down this route starting from 10mgs and now at 40md for the last 7 days. I am finding that some people do not accept that depression is a illness and that as you cannot see it or catch it like a cold they believe that when you are tyring to lead a normal life and do happy things that you are actually well enough to go to work. I have in the last two days been told that being seen with my wife whilst she is delivering post that I must be ok if I can walk round with her. I am off at the moment because I am depressed, but still need her company so go and see her with my dogs. Now I am told to keep away from her, so I now go to another part of the town with my dogs. It apears to me that if I go back to work I can go and do all the things to make me feel happy. Part of my recovery is to be active and take some time to enjoy life again. As I have no physical injury or illness some of my work mates!! seem to think I have advantage with being off work. But as it appears that I am under house arrest thats not much of an advantage realy. I would love to be happy and not feel the way I am but I have taken the decison to deal with it and I have got to keep going. I think I have been like this for a lot of my life but just accepted it and did not want that label as you say. Taking tablets does help but when people say what they say it doesnt' help you if you know what I mean. Assumming things is not always a good thing but sometimes it comes with the condition.

I have had a terrible nights sleep, actually not sleep at all waking at about 1 am and eventually going downstairs at 3am and going on the laptop to see if anybody was in the chat room.

I hope this makes sense to you Debs.

[haziefantasie]

Hi Debs

I know exactly what you mean - its very annoying isnt it?!

I first suffered from depression when I was 15 years old (Im now 28) which was treated successfully with antidepressants and by putting me on the pill (a lot of my problems seem to be linked to my hormones). Then I had the year from hell last year - I broke up with my fiance of 6 years, had debt problems, moved house several times etc etc. This all triggered me off again and I was diagnosed with depression again in november.

Anyway, I remember when I told my mum I had depression again she said 'Well the family have all been worrying about you - we knew you'd probably get depressed again!!'. I really hate the thought of people talking about me, even though I know they were just worried and had my best interests at heart. I know that Im thought of as 'the sensitive one' by my family and friends and its really not nice. In fact I think thats why it took me a while to seek help when I got depressed again - I was trying to avoid them all thinking 'here we go again - she cant cope again!! x

[debs71]

Thanks for your responses Johno and haziefantasie.

Blimey, I know exactly what you mean hazie!

I also hate the thought of people talking about me too, even if they are just concerned.

I think that I am also labelled as the 'fragile one' since I have had mental health problems and on one hand I am grateful to have a sensitive family and friends, but on the other hand I do feel that I don't want to be pitied or viewed as some sad sack depressed/anxious person. I also don't think that it helps me get better or stay level headed either as I then stress about others opinions of me!

I think it just annoys me that even years down the line and with the odd glitch here and there, my friend automatically thinks I am not coping or down due to depression rather than just experiencing normal levels of upset. I just don't want to be stigmatised as the one with the mental health issues. It doesn't come from any shame about it as I don't think we should be ashamed, as we are unwell the same as any person becomes unwell with a physical ailment, it is just that I want to move forward, not be chained to my condition.

Hope this makes sense....sorry for the waffling on!
xxxxxx:hugs:

[Brokenmum]

It frustrates me greatly too.
It's the "how are you feeling?" One that gets to me.
I know theres no nastiness meant in that question but it's when I reply with a simple "feeling low" or "not bad" and then it's "well have you taken your tablets?" Speech.
Then the leaving me out of discussion because one feels that I am too vulnerable.
I may be depressed but that does not mean that i've lost the plot! I am still aware etc!

[debs71]

Yes, that happens to me too Brokenmum.

That kind of feeling that everyone is treading on eggshells around you.

I think it is hard for people to get the right balance though as to how much they mention your 'mental problems' and how much they avoid talking about it.

It is just the 'oh she is depressed again' thing that concerns me most though. Maybe I am just too neurotic about it.:shrug:

[ElizabethJane]

I do understand where you are coming from Debs. As a long term sufferer of depression myself it is often hard to shake off a 'label' or how we think others perceive ourselves. A lot of our own perception of ourselves is due to a lack of self esteem/self confidence. If we felt better about ourselves then we wouldn't worry about how others preceive us. Sometimes our perceptions of how others see us are completely wrong. This can be tried out with people we know and trust. You might be pleasantly suprised. As you move away from depression these thoughts will trouble you less and less. I find that hiding my illness is the best policy unless they are friends I know really well. If I tell people that I have had severe depression in the past and am on lithium you can imagine the look on their faces!! Sometimes it is best to say nothing unless asked. We can change peoples perceptions of us but adopting confident and out going behaviours even if we don't feel like it. I hope some of this helps. EJ

[debs71]

I do understand where you are coming from Debs. As a long term sufferer of depression myself it is often hard to shake off a 'label' or how we think others perceive ourselves. A lot of our own perception of ourselves is due to a lack of self esteem/self confidence. If we felt better about ourselves then we wouldn't worry about how others preceive us. Sometimes our perceptions of how others see us are completely wrong. This can be tried out with people we know and trust. You might be pleasantly suprised. As you move away from depression these thoughts will trouble you less and less. I find that hiding my illness is the best policy unless they are friends I know really well. If I tell people that I have had severe depression in the past and am on lithium you can imagine the look on their faces!! Sometimes it is best to say nothing unless asked. We can change peoples perceptions of us but adopting confident and out going behaviours even if we don't feel like it. I hope some of this helps. EJ

Thanks for your reply EJ.:hugs:

I think you have hit the nail absolutely on the head. I think it is probably a lot to do with how I perceive myself and how desperate I am to shed my depressed and anxious person persona. I don't particularly think very highly of myself and never have and maybe that has a lot to do with it.

You gave such good advice and thanks so much.xxx:bighug1:

[snowgoose]

Hi :)
Some fantastic answers here Debs ...and I completely get your post :hugs:

the label frustrates me too . But it can be the blanket I hide behind when so out of my mind with anxiety ..........only with close family and one friend .
they will never I know accept me now without the "she is fragile " label .
It is said with concern and annoyance ...a mixture of the two . but I have to accept that cos they saw me at my my worst and it scared them . my son at 15 had to take me to doctors for appt . I couldnt go out .

so perhaps with family we will always be seen as sensitive and fragile . But they can also rejoice when we prove to them we are stronger and recovering .
and new friends need never know . the ones who matter may say insensitive things ..but they care.
it is so hard for anyone who has not been in this hell to ever get it .
and I say thank goodness for that ............silent and unseen hell .

we are who we are Debs ..........labels dont matter .... we are a unique group of people who have had a tough time and through that are nicer ,kinder support to others .

labelled neurotic me ? yes .and I dont give a toss Debs .
I know my worth and those like me .

we are on a road to recovery and moving on . some folk will always be stuck with their prejudices .
dont you fret .

[Tyke]

I know exactly what you all mean on this one! When I first suffered from anxiety/depression I was fairly open about it and gradually came to realise it was starting to define me. Some people steering clear of me or being very careful when talking to me in case they upset my sensibilities etc. :unsure: I think some people did actually get a kick out of asking 'how are you feeling today?' as they liked the feeling of power it gave them, it was like they were thinking 'there's nothing wrong with me, but we all know you're only one step away from the nut house'. :D I remember going into work one day feeling quite happy, then I heard a colleague speaking to another colleague joking when he thought I was out of earshot 'he must have taken his prozac today! :roflmao:Peoples motives aren't always as pleasant as we would like to think they are. Of course, there are people who are genuine, but places such as the workplace for example are often very competitive with folk happy to further their own career at your expense.

My attitude now is to tell no one apart from those closest to me. I get by much better at my current place of work being treated as an equal, which I feel you never can be if you carry a mental ill health label on you. Like you say Debs, once you're labelled you aren't allowed to have the normal range of ups and downs people experience through life without something more being read into it. Although we do live in more enlightened times, I doubt the stigma of mental illness will ever go away completely. Physical illness is always easier for others to understand and empathise with.

Tyke

[debs71]

Thanks so much for your reply snowgoose. Wise words as ever.:flowers:



I remember going into work one day feeling quite happy, then I heard a colleague speaking to another colleague joking when he thought I was out of earshot 'he must have taken his prozac today! :roflmao:Peoples motives aren't always as pleasant as we would like to think they are. Of course, there are people who are genuine, but places such as the workplace for example are often very competitive with folk happy to further their own career at your expense.


Oh that's awful.....poor you Tyke. It is so hurtful when faced with people's ignorance like that. That is what is so annoying about mental illness. Would they joke about someone who had a debilitating physical illness? I doubt it.

I think you are right. I don't think the stigma of mental illness will ever be obliterated sadly.:mad:

[Tyke]

That is what is so annoying about mental illness. Would they joke about someone who had a debilitating physical illness? I doubt it.
No, they wouldn't would they Debs. I have seen the very same people who lack any understanding of these issues at all be the total opposite when faced with colleagues with heart problems or cancer etc.

Troubled as we may be though, at least we have our consciences and probably do far less damage to other people and our environment than the average person, even if the media likes to portray these issues and the sufferers very negatively. We can also still make good recoveries and lead happy lives :yesyes:.

Tyke

[Hope38]

Being labelled is terrible. Depression is my illness but we should be free to be annoyed or angry just like everyone else. I have been open and honest with work and I do wonder if this is going to be my downfall. I work within the medical profession so you would think people would have a greater understanding. I find that they either ignore me or want to hug me, could do without either. Don't know what the answer is ??