Brokenmum
01-07-11, 10:53
Hello there,
Thought that I would post this as my thoughts this morning go through a dark stage.
Having an emotional morning, taken my tablet and so hoping that it kicks in fast.
I have this incredible urge to self harm, so I am hoping this will destract me from doing so. Please note that my self harm is not a cry for help or of the attention seeking kind.
It is my way of self punishment, for being weak, a failure in myself.
I just seem to be in this most awful daze, sometimes it is very dark.
I am stil struggling to come to terms with my daughter being born needing emergency heart surgery, something that was not expected at all when you give birth.
I feel that I was failed by so many professionally and so many covered up the fact that one was failed greatly. My mind is continously searching for answers. I never get them and to this day, six and a half years on... I am torturing myself within. When asking medical staff surrounding the negligent care of myself and my daughter, all are so defensive and dismissive. I feel that the walls come up with them and the doors are closed in my face. Its killing me within, it really is. It has destroyed as a person, a wife, a mother and a friend. So much so that I shut down. I just feel so low within myself that I feel that I no longer have purpose in life itself any more. I thought that by having another daughter in more positive circumstances that it would eliminate all those awful thoughts and unpleasent memories. Sadly it did not. Don't get me wrong, I wouldnt change her for the world. But I can't help but feel that she is missing out on the real me. I am a great mother, although the majority is sheilded behind the "mask". Inside I am screaming as my heart is breaking. If only one could just go to sleep and wake up feeling like the old me. The happy, confident woman that I once was. Now I am a nothing, a complete failure in myself. i am so quick to advise others with positive thoughts and vibes Nd yet when it comes to myself... nothing.
Apologies for the depressing post, but I just felt that I just had to let some of it out.
I feel that those that are close are very poor at understanding and then theres the added fear of thinking that I am insane. I'm not insane, i'm just finding it truly difficult to cope.
Thought that I would post this as my thoughts this morning go through a dark stage.
Having an emotional morning, taken my tablet and so hoping that it kicks in fast.
I have this incredible urge to self harm, so I am hoping this will destract me from doing so. Please note that my self harm is not a cry for help or of the attention seeking kind.
It is my way of self punishment, for being weak, a failure in myself.
I just seem to be in this most awful daze, sometimes it is very dark.
I am stil struggling to come to terms with my daughter being born needing emergency heart surgery, something that was not expected at all when you give birth.
I feel that I was failed by so many professionally and so many covered up the fact that one was failed greatly. My mind is continously searching for answers. I never get them and to this day, six and a half years on... I am torturing myself within. When asking medical staff surrounding the negligent care of myself and my daughter, all are so defensive and dismissive. I feel that the walls come up with them and the doors are closed in my face. Its killing me within, it really is. It has destroyed as a person, a wife, a mother and a friend. So much so that I shut down. I just feel so low within myself that I feel that I no longer have purpose in life itself any more. I thought that by having another daughter in more positive circumstances that it would eliminate all those awful thoughts and unpleasent memories. Sadly it did not. Don't get me wrong, I wouldnt change her for the world. But I can't help but feel that she is missing out on the real me. I am a great mother, although the majority is sheilded behind the "mask". Inside I am screaming as my heart is breaking. If only one could just go to sleep and wake up feeling like the old me. The happy, confident woman that I once was. Now I am a nothing, a complete failure in myself. i am so quick to advise others with positive thoughts and vibes Nd yet when it comes to myself... nothing.
Apologies for the depressing post, but I just felt that I just had to let some of it out.
I feel that those that are close are very poor at understanding and then theres the added fear of thinking that I am insane. I'm not insane, i'm just finding it truly difficult to cope.