To serve others....only

[Bill]

For those who know me I've been quiet because I've been going through a very upsetting time with people I care about getting ill so I've been seeing a therapist who I feel is now having to agree with me that things are hopeless. I have a double caring role and the therapist once asked me who sees to my needs. I had no answer.:shrug:

Something I'm sick of hearing is "I wish I could do more to help" when they could do more but can't or won't. However, even when I am helped, the help is taken away from me through no fault of their own. Fate just won't allow me enjoyment or any pleasure.

I'm always left feeling alone, spending lots of time on my own, wondering what's the point with nothing to look forward to other than daily hassle.

Sooner or later my caring role will be down to one and I know I'm going to feel even more lost and alone with nothing to fill that void. I keep looking, I keep trying but fate seems to deny me of any hope or any fun.

I just seem to have been put here for one reason and one reason only...to support others with their needs...which ironically I'm happy doing because I do care very much about those in need...but whenever it comes to "me"....:shrug::lac:

So all I'm left with every day is feeling this..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqqNOqEhC0s&feature=related wondering, waiting, hoping that one day fate will deal me a kinder hand but then if I know fate it never will...:shrug:I don't know. I don't know what I've done for any form of happiness to always be taken away from me.:weep:

[paula lynne]

All I know is you are a wonderful man who is valued and respected here Bill. Im sorry you are going through such an awful time.
I dont believe in fate. I believe in being pro-active. If you want something, go out and find it, take it. Dont wait for things to change by themselves, they rarely do.
Albert Einstein got it right when he said "The definition of insanity.....doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"

What is it you want, for yourself? Make a plan and work out how to achieve that. You may not get the exact result you want, but at least you try. Waiting and wishing for something to happen doesnt work in my opinion. You will always be caring, its part of you. And as situations change, as they inevitably do, you will remain that caring person. Wish you well Bill, keep posting, let it out. :hugs:

Ps...you are a carer, but it doesnt wholey define you, just as me being Welsh doesnt wholey define me. You have many facets. Embrace that.

[Magic]

Hi Bill
WOW , Just gone through a box of tissues:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[JaneC]

I can only echo what Paula says Bill, which may not be what you want to hear. There are always choices open to us no matter how limited they might be or how tough the decisions might be that they involve. If you cannot cope with your life the way it is, maybe It's time to consider some changes. I do understand how difficult that would be but It's something you cannot dismiss. Your situation, when it comes down to it, is only hopeless if you allow it to be. I'm not a great Elton John fan but I'm Still Standing comes to mind. Please take care
Xxx

[JaneC]

Just to clarify, I'm thinking of the "you" in the song as fate or whatever, not a person xx

[Bill]

Thank you:hugs: I agree with everything you've said and it's just what the therapist tells me I need to do - to make changes and go find what I need. In theory it's fine but in practise I just never seem to get anywhere no matter what I try. I search through papers, on the net, on noticeboards etc etc but wherever I look I can either never find anything that interests me or when I do find something it's miles away, and often I just feel too tired to travel that far when I'm not allowed sleep at night. I feel like I'm carrying a ball and and chain in a cell of my own making. If the opportunity arose though I'd grab the chance but all too often it's denied or snatched away. I just never seem to be able to get anywhere and it's just so disheartening when every avenue you try becomes a cul-de-sac. I feel flattened by a huge boulder of constant heavy pressure that holds me down keeping me in darkness denying me of light while through the tiny gap beneath all I can see is others doing the things I can only dream of. It can be so frustrating when the only thing that prevents happiness is finding the opportunity that always seems to evade me.

I admit I'm very fearful of the future because as I say, I have a double caring role which will become one and when that happens I just don't feel I'm going to have anything to give me any purpose. I know that all I can do is keep looking and keep hoping that by some miraclee my void will be filled but at the moment all I can see is a black hole with nothing to prevent my fall. I'm running out of time and when that moment comes I know there will be no angel there waiting with comforting wings just as was the case when I lost my father. I don't even have our dog anymore who comforted me.

When I was with the therapist she asked me about the future and I looked out the window into the bright sunshine and all I saw was the darkness of a black long winters night. I couldn't stop my emotions and she promptly gave me the box of tissues so commonly offered. That was my comfort - a tissue - and that's what I'll have when the time comes. How do you heal emotional hurt and pain with a tissue?

This year has just been one emotional pain after another and I'm so fed up with hurting all the time. The tears are always there even when I'm laughing and often I have to laugh when things are said to stop me thinking of what will be.

If I could go into a supermarket and buy what I need for me I really would but the closest I can find is a bottle which would only make me even more depressed so I go without. I could try meds but they might just help me to smile through my pain. I think I'm too old for teddy bears! lol

So what more can I do other than to keep trying and hold on to hope that I'll find something to make me smile again? Surely even fate can't be that cruel to always make me suffer alone....can it?

There's just nothing in my area that could even give me an opportunity to find what would help me. The only people I feel who might understand me...are you.

The only things that give me comfort are my dreams and beautiful things such as this from "Keeping "Mum""....(If only I could because life without any comfort is just too unbearable to contemplate.).....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jwBrDkV5XU :hugs:

Paula...as a thank you...I thought you might like the following...you'll see why...I'll need to write something Scottish for you Jane!



Angel of the Dragon Isle


She heals with her cross of crystalline white,
Nestling on her pure silken neck, shining brightly in the stillness of the night,
Embracing in her glittering golden dress,
Her eyes sparkle as diamonds with immense warmth and kindness,

Affection abounds for all mankind on earth,
Her greatest love of immeasurable worth,
With her heavenly smile, no words need said,
She guards and protects as they sleep in their beds,

A motherly figure, her comforting arms surrounding and soothing,
Compassionate, sensitive, she senses all feeling,
Everlasting love emanating from her breath,
Floating upon the breeze encompassing the world from east to west,

This special angel who Always cares,
Tender with her touch, her hands so fair,
She exudes only love from every strand of hair,
Her unique form of healing, the kind so very rare.:hugs:

I wonder if angels sound like this or just real life angels?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tnt4LBsZ-I&feature=related :hugs:

[paula lynne]

Oh Bill did you write that???? For me??? Im crying my eyes out here!

[debera]

hi bill
sorry you are going through a rough time right now. it must be very very hard on you. thinking of you always. if you want to chat pm me anytime. big hugs bill:hugs::hugs::hugs:love debera

[Bill]

I'm glad you liked it Paula but I'm sorry it had Such an effect on you!:) It always makes me feel happier though when I know I've done or said something to make someone else feel happier.:hugs: I'm hoping to compile all my poems into a personal book for safekeeping, not to try and make any money though. If a poem I write brings pleasure to someone then that's reward enough for me.:hugs:

Thank you Debera.:hugs: It's lovely of you to post a reply with your kind thoughts and sweet offer. I was watching the News about our Royal visit to your shores and it made me think of you wondering if you were ok.:hugs:

You know, I've been writing my poems for years and just storing them in a folder but I'd never shared them with my mother for fear of what she would think as some of them are quite dark but I plucked up the courage not long ago and showed her as I felt I may never get another opportunity. She amazed me by saying "They're beautiful" and that I'm full of secrets! lol When I took her back that day, as she got out the car she said something I'll always treasure that she's never said before - "I'm proud of you".

The moral of that story is never let fear hold you back because you never know what you'll be rewarded with and even if are made to feel small, there are always those who will appreciate you....and I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about alot of people on here who never see what lovely people they are.

I was talking to my therapist not long ago about dealing with others pain. When I can do something to help I feel better but when I can't that's when I struggle. This year it's been one thing after another where there's been nothing I can do to help and to tell you the truth I still have absolutely no idea how to cope with it. You see Paula, that's something I admire about nurses. I could never do their jobs. I'd be So depressed whenever patients were lost. I just don't know how doctors and nurses can cope with it, how they are able to switch off and start afresh each day. Part of me says it's just life and we have to accept it but I Hate it when people I care about are suffering and there's nothing I can do about it.

There is the other side of the coin though. When I have to endure loss and with the knowledge I couldn't prevent it, there is no one who can take my pain away. I guess I should be strong and just take it but I just can't cope with it. That's part of my trap though. I can't inflict pain on another I care about because I couldn't live with myself, and that's partly why things are hopeless. I've often thought how lovely it must be to be in hospital and feel the comfort of a nurses hand and I actually used to imagine what I could do to myself to get there. Silly a! It's something I think people find very hard to understand about me but I can actually count the number of meaningful hugs I've ever had on one hand and I always find it ironic how often it's what we need most that always stay out of reach. Still, that's life or fate I guess. People suffer far worse things..I just wish they didn't!

When I get depressed I just want to curl up and forget everything because I can never find the things I need but sometimes when the cork come off my bottle I never stop letting my frustrations out so, I better shut up for now! lol

One last thought - I don't know why some people enjoy being nasty to others when life is too short. Surely people would feel better about themselves if they encouraged people to be nice back by being understanding to others in the first place? That's what I believe in but as I said to my therapist, that's one reason why I feel I don't belong. People can't understand me and always look for an ulterior motive simply because of how human beings treat each other in this world. Maybe they've been watching too many back biting soaps! lol:hugs:

[shackell]

bill i ask you one question if you was to forget about you double caring role what would bill like to do tomo ? When u wake u what would be your first thing to do i ask this becouse although you have people you care for there is alot of people with out it you for one and for one day only you should drop everything and do what you want to do

[Bill]

Good question.:winks: I think most would enjoy the opportunity to just do what they want to do. This will probably sound weird but if I didn't have my caring roles I'd be alone and if I were alone I wouldn't find any enjoyment in anything so I probably wouldn't want to get up...just as I do at mo.

Rightly, people often say I need respite because I've not had a break or holiday in 5 years, partly because I feel I need to be available as there's only me but also because if I were to get respite, I'd be alone and I'd feel just as depressed and anxious as I am here so to me there is no win situation except to force myself to do daily activities/hobbies that help to distract me from how I feel but often I just feel too tired.

Honestly, I think I run people round in crazy circles just as I do with my poor therapist because there is no answer. That's why I feel I should really just keep quiet and not keep moaning about my problems because there are people out there suffering far worse things who I believe can and should be helped which is really why I came here in the first place. As the doctor told me, I need a magic wand and for that matter my therapist said she also needed a magic wand so I told her I couldn't believe she could need one as she's so good in her job but that I Could imagine her With one. At least I made her smile.:) Sorry.:unsure: