Suffering from PTSD since the age of 13

[lonelygirl18]

Hey

I am an 18 year old woman who suffers from severe PTSD. (Hospitalized twice, A one year break from mental health professionals.)

I was abused from birth to the age of 14 by my mother. She then left my father far from feeling relieved It was strange not having someone abuse me and put me down all the time which seemed to start the depression. I have always been a little depressed since I can remember from thinking about suicide to harming my mother. It has affected me immensely doctors aren't helping at all they believe I am taking a break by staying in my room. I rarely leave my room except for when my boyfriend comes over to stay (He lives down south). I cannot stick to anything as anything that gives me a little stress breaks me down. I've had to quit jobs, college all because of this. I now sit in my room most days in bed on my computer sounds stupid I know but the real world scares me too much.

I have been abusing alcohol since I was 13 although this is has stopped. I don't have the motivation to do anything from getting up in the morning to cleaning my room. I live in supported accommodation but I do not feel they understand my problems at all. My support worker just nags me to clean my room, pay my rent she even text me saying i should be addressing my rent arrears when I only have £53 to pay with no income but doesn't try to actively get me out of the house or improve my life. A structured day scares me because of the abuse I have suffered I just don't want criticism or fun poked at me ever after I suffered many years.

I have tried antidepressants and even antipsychotic drugs but nothing seems to work. Before you say try counselling, CBT blah I've tried them all but I even don't have motivation to go to the appointments. I am thinking of even trying illegal stimulants because I just want to feel like a normal person and be able to clean the house and get ready like a normal teenage girl. I have no one to talk to at all my father hates the mental health system and thinks I will always be the same. I have been thinking committing suicide but I even do that wrong, I dont want to be carted off to the hospital either. What can i do to get me out of this hell called life. Im not a lazy person I just want a normal job and a normal life help me please.

[kibbutz83]

Hi, when you say abuse, do you mean sexual, emotional, mental or physical? What symptoms does the ptsd give you? I have a very abusive, aggressive mother who made my life a living hell, because of her own unhappiness... she did so much damage to the people around her, but would always blame everyone else for her misery. She has always told everyone that I, my brother and father are mentally disturbed, and "look what I have to deal with everyday!" is one of her classic lines... I believe she has a personality disorder, and has created confusion and anxiety in her family for the past 50 years! I was sexually abused by my brother at 8, because she left us alone so she could have affairs...
I have ptsd too, and have to find the strength every day to survive this hell. I'm sorry to say that you are the one who has to find the inner strength to battle your demons.. no-one can do it for you. Illegal stimulants are certainly not the way forward... you've got to make yourself stronger not weaker. I'm 48 and have been dealing with this for 40 years... believe me, there's no "easy or quick fix". Life is hard and painful for "people like us", but self-pity or self-abuse just makes the journey sooo much harder :( Sometimes it's about acceptance.. we are what we are, and we must learn to like ourselves and give ourselves a chance at happiness. Our mother's are long gone, but we still let them have control if we don't fight for ourselves. I honestly can say "I know what you're going through", but that won't help you with your pain and torment... only you can do that. Good luck on your journey to a decent life x

[Lynnann]

Hi Lonely Girl,

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, missing your childhood abuser is a common reaction once they have gone, nothing you have said sounds strange at all.

All I can say to you is that things can change, they can get better. It takes hard work and effort and only you can do it. You will need help on your journey to recovery. You will never forget what has happened to you, I haven't with my experiences but you can manage to have a normal life with it not being foremost in your mind all the time. I manage this the majority of the time :smile: You can conquer the fear. You have already survived more than most could cope with:) Be kind to yourself, stop blaming yourself and believe in yoursef. It was never your fault:smile:

Lynnann:flowers: