Talking to women

[Rhys1879SAFC]

I'm a 19 year old lad and I'm not the worst looking guy in the world. I have had girlfriends before but for some reason I have absolutely no confidence in myself.

Me and my mates are regulars in bars at weekends but I can never work up the courage to approach a girl, especially if she is part of a group. My bottle always goes. It doesn't help when you have your friends goading you on. You know what teenage boys alike? Well I am the butt of the jokes because I haven't had sex since December 2009 whilst they're all "pulling" at least once every couple of months.

Its getting me down really, as I've said I've had girlfriends before but I've never been the one to make the first move, the relationships never worked out though, mainly because if this frustrating lack of confidence I have. Alcohol does help me but I don't want to walk over to some girl I find attractive completely wasted and stinking of drink.

Anything to improve how I feel about myself? When I'm all dressed up and looking in the mirror doing my hair I always focus on the negative, its always "I have a lot of spots today" or "maybe I'm putting on a bit too much weight". This usually sets the tone for the night, I would like to focus on whats positive about myself, I have nice hair and nice deep blue eyes and a relatively nice fugure I suppose, not trying to be arrogant otherwise I wouldn't have posted this. Haha.

[paula lynne]

Hi Rhys, you'd be surprised, I bet half your mates feel the same way as you...except they need copious amounts of alcohol to even approach a girl! When youve got ready and the negative thoughts come, mentally flip those thoughts and only give yourself posative comments...out loud. Go to the local library, there should be lots of books on self-esteem, with excercises you can put into practice daily.

Enjoying yourself at your age does not mean being in a relationship...it means having fun, enjoying life, trying new things, travelling, experiencing new places and people....youve got all the time in the world. The right girl will come along when you least expect it. :)

[bazbaz71]

Hi Rhys,

Understand completely where you are coming from as I've always suffered similar anxiety approaching girls who I don't know well. Maybe you'd find it easier to meet girls in a less threatening atmosphere? In bars and clubs it seems that women (especially attractive ones), are defensive straight away as they are constantly being hit on. For anyone who is shy that makes things especially difficult (you might be dismissed as a nuisance before you've had a chance to prove you're worth talking to). An easier starting point might be at work, college, sports club, evening classes etc? Less threatening and you already have an interest in common and so a reason to talk. At least for me this approach has helped me to develop many more friendships with women over time.

The other thing I'd say is in my experience your friends could be exagerating their own success rate. They probably aren't getting half as much 'action' as they'd like everyone to believe. Fact is that many young guys are full of bull when it comes to this. Not everyone is out having sex with different women all the time. In fact a lot of guys don't really want this but its so ingrained as the masculine thing to do that no one wants to look like they don't.

Finally you are still very young. You've got lots of time to have fun and not take life too seriously. This doesn't mean to ignore your self-esteem problem (I wish I'd worked on mine at your age and maybe I wouldn't be where I am now!) but you do have lots of time to sort this problem out. Try to start working at it with the easiest things to change first of all.

Hope it works out for you mate.
B

[debs71]

Rhys, I know where you are going from. Though I am not as shy or as lacking in confidence now as I was, when I was your age I was SOOO shy, had zero confidence and never had boyfriends.

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19 in fact.

I think I spent a lot of time grateful I was a girl as I didn't have the onus on me to approach someone as you guys do!

I agree with Paula. You can still enjoy yourself without that pressure of having to 'pull', and more often than not, when you are not going out looking for the next girl, she just comes along naturally without your trying. It sounds a cliche but it is true.

You are just as good as your mates, and sound sensitive and thoughtful which MANY girls love in a man for starters, so don't measure yourself up against their apparent successes.


For the record, you sound like a great guy to me who any girl would be glad to have. There is nothing wrong with seeming to not 'keep up' with your mates, and being much more discriminating about how you approach a girl, i.e. not paraletic and reeking of booze!

That is GREAT that you feel that way by the way, and it is a shame more blokes don't do the same, lol.

Don't compare yourself to your mates, and just laugh off their ribbing for the blokish bravado that it is. For starters they may be bigging themselves up about their pulling rate and it may be a load of cobblers!

You are your own person, and just tell yourself that!.xxx:hugs:

[Tyke]

Maybe you'd find it easier to meet girls in a less threatening atmosphere? In bars and clubs it seems that women (especially attractive ones), are defensive straight away as they are constantly being hit on. For anyone who is shy that makes things especially difficult (you might be dismissed as a nuisance before you've had a chance to prove you're worth talking to). An easier starting point might be at work, college, sports club, evening classes etc? Less threatening and you already have an interest in common and so a reason to talk.

The other thing I'd say is in my experience your friends could be exagerating their own success rate. They probably aren't getting half as much 'action' as they'd like everyone to believe. Fact is that many young guys are full of bull when it comes to this. Not everyone is out having sex with different women all the time. In fact a lot of guys don't really want this but its so ingrained as the masculine thing to do that no one wants to look like they don't.
I think Bazbaz is spot on with this. Meeting girls in pubs and clubs is always going to be hard for you, especially with your mates around. Try meeting girls at something where you will get to know them a little first, even if it is over a few weeks, without any pressure. You sound like the sort of guy who would be fairly happy with a stable relationship anyway rather than your women conquering mates. I think you're far more likely to achieve that following Bazbaz's method. You could well end up with a far better relationship than what your mates have, they may even secretly envy you. :mad: :yesyes: :mad::mad:

You should never believe all the tales teenage lads tell about their conquests either. I'm not saying they don't sometimes 'get lucky', but I bet they are often knocked back or are too p****d to perform, but they aint gonna tell you that!!!!! :lac:

Tyke

[Rhys1879SAFC]

Rhys, I know where you are going from. Though I am not as shy or as lacking in confidence now as I was, when I was your age I was SOOO shy, had zero confidence and never had boyfriends.

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19 in fact.

I think I spent a lot of time grateful I was a girl as I didn't have the onus on me to approach someone as you guys do!

I agree with Paula. You can still enjoy yourself without that pressure of having to 'pull', and more often than not, when you are not going out looking for the next girl, she just comes along naturally without your trying. It sounds a cliche but it is true.

You are just as good as your mates, and sound sensitive and thoughtful which MANY girls love in a man for starters, so don't measure yourself up against their apparent successes.


For the record, you sound like a great guy to me who any girl would be glad to have. There is nothing wrong with seeming to not 'keep up' with your mates, and being much more discriminating about how you approach a girl, i.e. not paraletic and reeking of booze!

That is GREAT that you feel that way by the way, and it is a shame more blokes don't do the same, lol.

Don't compare yourself to your mates, and just laugh off their ribbing for the blokish bravado that it is. For starters they may be bigging themselves up about their pulling rate and it may be a load of cobblers!

You are your own person, and just tell yourself that!.xxx:hugs:

Thanks very much for that Debs. Made me feel loads better.:hugs:


I think Bazbaz is spot on with this. Meeting girls in pubs and clubs is always going to be hard for you, especially with your mates around. Try meeting girls at something where you will get to know them a little first, even if it is over a few weeks, without any pressure. You sound like the sort of guy who would be fairly happy with a stable relationship anyway rather than your women conquering mates. I think you're far more likely to achieve that following Bazbaz's method. You could well end up with a far better relationship than what your mates have, they may even secretly envy you. :mad: :yesyes: :mad::mad:

You should never believe all the tales teenage lads tell about their conquests either. I'm not saying they don't sometimes 'get lucky', but I bet they are often knocked back or are too p****d to perform, but they aint gonna tell you that!!!!! :lac:

Tyke

Thanks Tyke, we're going out on Saturday night and we'll see what happens, it would sure help if I could read signal's a bit better aswell. Haha.


Hi Rhys,

Understand completely where you are coming from as I've always suffered similar anxiety approaching girls who I don't know well. Maybe you'd find it easier to meet girls in a less threatening atmosphere? In bars and clubs it seems that women (especially attractive ones), are defensive straight away as they are constantly being hit on. For anyone who is shy that makes things especially difficult (you might be dismissed as a nuisance before you've had a chance to prove you're worth talking to). An easier starting point might be at work, college, sports club, evening classes etc? Less threatening and you already have an interest in common and so a reason to talk. At least for me this approach has helped me to develop many more friendships with women over time.

The other thing I'd say is in my experience your friends could be exagerating their own success rate. They probably aren't getting half as much 'action' as they'd like everyone to believe. Fact is that many young guys are full of bull when it comes to this. Not everyone is out having sex with different women all the time. In fact a lot of guys don't really want this but its so ingrained as the masculine thing to do that no one wants to look like they don't.

Finally you are still very young. You've got lots of time to have fun and not take life too seriously. This doesn't mean to ignore your self-esteem problem (I wish I'd worked on mine at your age and maybe I wouldn't be where I am now!) but you do have lots of time to sort this problem out. Try to start working at it with the easiest things to change first of all.

Hope it works out for you mate.
B

Sounds like we're going through the same thing mate, thanks very much for the kind words and good luck. :yesyes:

[anxietyoverload]

My boyfriend was very shy when we first met, i am really outgoing, it took 6 months of straight talking before he even asked me out on a date, cause hes so shy!! But do you know what, i would not have it any other way, i no hes not some jerk who is gunna go sleep around, been overly confident about himself, i couldnt stand it.
Been shy is not always a bad thing, one day, you will find a girl who will be just right for you, and it will just slide into place, trust me :)

[charliepanayi]

I can relate here, I'm 28 years old and haven't had a girlfriend because I find the whole business of trying to approach women (not to mention meeting any) so difficult.

[Tyke]

I can relate here, I'm 28 years old and haven't had a girlfriend because I find the whole business of trying to approach women (not to mention meeting any) so difficult.
Just try and relax around them and be yourself. Could you get to know a few girls just to talk to through a mixed group of friends or something?They are really not that scary!!!! In fact on the whole they are far more understanding and pleasant to talk to than most blokes are.

Tyke

[RLR]

Well, firstly it's not uncommon at all for young fellows in your age group to feel apprehensive about approaching girls. Remember that the issues which collectively produce a lack of requisite confidence are characteristics that you feel are inadequate and not the actual case by observation from others. Also remember that there is a natural advantage in some cases for girls because men are instinctively and socially trained to make the initial advance. Girls can be assured that men will approach them, particularly in the setting of a pub where it's natural to do so, and it's perceived that they place men under scrutiny of their performance as a consequence.

You might try breaking the pattern by temporarily avoiding the audience of your pals and seek to exercise your approach on your own for a bit. Understand that your qualities which make you unique or special never dissipate. It's only your perception that causes you to question your abilities. This occurs when you exchange what is known as locus of control from an internal perspective to an external one. In other words, when you're not under any perceived scrutiny, you feel naturally confident and this is due to internal locus of control. Your thoughts and actions come naturally. When you anticipate approaching women, some men relinquish their locus of control to those perceived to hold them under scrutiny. Consequently, they feel as though they are being judged based upon how they appear and interact. The decision is often made to act in a character thought to be most successful, anticipating the need to do and say all the right things. A young man's very competency, virility and acceptance is thought to be at risk of rejection. Thus, it often becomes necessary to protect these characteristics by trying to project their best efforts rather than realize such interaction doesn't in any way constitute the level of importance and risk thought to be the case.

A suggestion to overcome the perceived lack of confidence is to approach women not for any pure purpose that might constitute win or lose prospects, but merely to make a new acquaintance or friend. Don't place the kind of value on the situation that you feel is necessary to win over your friends as though it represents a contest. This is where things are breaking down for you. If your objective is to meet women with the notion that they're going to ultimately give in and go home with you after just meeting you, then all of your concern about what they think of you is overdrawn, for any girl willing to simply go home with you and have sex with a stranger is not necessarily someone qualified to judge you anyway. See my point?

Don't rely on your pals. Go out by yourself when you're looking to meet someone and use that independence to reaffirm your self-confidence. You don't need a host of goons all whistling and jeering at you, which only causes girls to see you as immature. It really does depend upon a genuine nature and relaxed self-confidence to gain appeal by women. They are naturally drawn to men who are confident in themselves in a natural and relaxed manner, without having to try so hard as though they're after them like predator on prey.

Go out with your pals to drink and get pissed, but if you're going out to meet women, do it on your own terms and don't go with expectations that every women is going to like or be attracted to you depending upon whether you do it all correctly. Just be yourself and there will be plenty of girls who will be gradually drawn to you like a magnet. Take your time and be genuine with them, not working to score a home run. It's disrespectful.

There's nothing wrong with your confidence. You're simply trying to perform for your pals and failing miserably. Peer pressure is causing you to question whether you can compete among them. There is no contest because that's not what meeting people is about in the real sense. Go meet women because you want to make friends and at some point, find someone who is just as interested in you and not because you need to prove to the gang that you're capable of doing so. If that's all you're after, just go pay a hooker her average wage and make it happen.

You'll do fine. Just be true to yourself and let your pals fend for themselves. You'll edge out above them every time.

Best regards,

Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)

[charliepanayi]

Just try and relax around them and be yourself. Could you get to know a few girls just to talk to through a mixed group of friends or something?They are really not that scary!!!! In fact on the whole they are far more understanding and pleasant to talk to than most blokes are.

Tyke

I don't really have many friends (a fair few acquaintances but not many I'd call friends). I have met and spoken to women, at university, at conventions I go to and the like but they're just never interested in me that way. It doesn't really help that I dislike pubs/clubs/bars, which limits options somewhat. Plus the older I get the worse it becomes.

And apologies to Rhys for hijacking his thread!

[bazbaz71]

I don't really have many friends (a fair few acquaintances but not many I'd call friends). I have met and spoken to women, at university, at conventions I go to and the like but they're just never interested in me that way. It doesn't really help that I dislike pubs/clubs/bars, which limits options somewhat. Plus the older I get the worse it becomes.

And apologies to Rhys for hijacking his thread!


I think you may be overstating the importance of bars and clubs as meeting places. Personally I don't think your options are limited at all by not liking them much. As I said before, I think these can be some of the hardest places to meet women.

Infact turn it around for a second - you don't know a girl in a bar from Adam - you could spend ages talking to her before you realise that you've got next to nothing in common with her! However, let's say you like running and you go to a running club (for example) where there are a mixed group of people. You might make some friends, maybe meet a girl who straight away you do have something in common with. Even if you don't you've done something you enjoy.

[Tyke]

I don't really have many friends (a fair few acquaintances but not many I'd call friends). I have met and spoken to women, at university, at conventions I go to and the like but they're just never interested in me that way. It doesn't really help that I dislike pubs/clubs/bars, which limits options somewhat. Plus the older I get the worse it becomes.
I think BazBaz has the right idea (as stated above and on a previous post). You don't need to frequent pubs/clubs/bars to meet women. Another thing you could try would be online dating or through a newspaper column. I know this would be very hard for you, but the advantage of it is that at least you know the ladies on there are looking for someone. You can also try and get a good match that way without the effort of chatting beforehand and realising you have nothing in common. I haven't ever tried it myself, but I know it works well for some people.

Tyke :)

[charliepanayi]

Firstly, I will never try online dating again. I spent six months or so about two years ago having a go at it and had no success at all, all it did was wreck what little confidence I had.
The trouble is most of my hobbies are fairly solitary, and so it's hard to meet people through them (I even gave up going to music gigs because I hated going on my own). I tried one or two societies at university, and I have been to conventions on Japanese animation and culture for the last few years, and have met women at them, but they're either spoken for or not interested. I like books and films and there are sites like City Socialising and Meetup I know, but feel unsure about looking into those as they either cost money or are somewhat daunting sites when I visit them.

[bazbaz71]

Firstly, I will never try online dating again. I spent six months or so about two years ago having a go at it and had no success at all, all it did was wreck what little confidence I had.
The trouble is most of my hobbies are fairly solitary, and so it's hard to meet people through them (I even gave up going to music gigs because I hated going on my own). I tried one or two societies at university, and I have been to conventions on Japanese animation and culture for the last few years, and have met women at them, but they're either spoken for or not interested. I like books and films and there are sites like City Socialising and Meetup I know, but feel unsure about looking into those as they either cost money or are somewhat daunting sites when I visit them.

Hi, well I can't pretend I'm an expert (and my own dating troubles are well documented in another thread).

Reluctantly I have to agree about online dating. Much like yourself I had a very frustrating experience. I think that it is very easy for you to be ignored online (I'd say 98% of the e-mails I sent went unanswered which I found very rude - not even a polite 'thanks but no thanks' which surely isn't too much to ask). Like you my confidence was knocked by this and I couldn't in all honesty recommend it to someone who isn't finding it easy to meet someone (which means frankly its pretty useless as people who do find it easy to meet people don't need it! :roflmao:)

Fundamentally I think you need to address a self-esteem issue (like me, how can I give advice on this! :)). But also maybe a negativity issue (it sounds like you're very down and that might not be helping you to meet someone as well). No doubt you are a nice guy and when you find the right woman things will drop into place but maybe you could hurry things along by trying some new hobbies which are less solitary but you also might enjoy.

Good luck and hope things improve for you.
B

[terror-x]

had my first kiss at 18 mate but i got a bit panicy after that thinking did i kiss like a goldfish or not build your confidance up mate it takes time but we are all here to help each other