Family arguments bringing on anxiety

[lior]

I've been back home for barely two weeks and already I can't stand it. My parents are going through martial problems and argue constantly. They've been like this for as long as I can remember but it's got worse over the last year or so. They'll argue over petty things and bring the rest of us down.

My brother got back from his gap year and was subdued for a couple of weeks. Now he's back to his old self - childishly teasing me whenever we're in the same room and critisising me whenever he finds an opportunity. I got on much better with the slightly depressed version of him. Isn't that awful?

I think my parents' arguing had rubbed off on us.

Last night as soon as we sat down for dinner, he picked an argument with me, and though we tried to stop I just flipped. I told them I couldn't stand the arguing any more and that it was very hard to live with them. (I lived with my friends for the last year.) I cried! I couldn't help it. I tried my best to calm down but through the meal I was on the edge of crying again most of the time. As soon as the meal was over my brother told me I was being immature and a host of other accusations which I felt were unfounded, so I just walked away.

Nobody has brought it up since and they're all acting like nothing's happened. If we carry on in this alternate-day massive argument pattern then I've got to move out!! I can't bear this environment of loud voices and insults. Even if it's not directed at me, it's so stressful. It makes me tense and I can't sleep well if I'm this tense. I probably can't afford to move out but I reckon I could get out another loan. Happiness is the most important thing.

I don't think my family understands how to change their behaviour.

[Anxious_gal]

It won't stop, it is stressful, nothing you say will make any difference, in fact pointing things out are more likely to cause your family to pick on you even more.
They are all in denial.
Sounds like it could be better for your parents to split up if all they are doing is picking on each other.
It will make your anxiety worse, all you can do is ignore it, not react to it, keep your mouth shut, stay away from them as much as possible,
I understand the anger and anxiety and even the tenancy to snap quicker and lose the plot with them.
I find that the hardest part, to not react, I end up getting mad at how stupid my family are for fighting how frustrating it is that they won't listen to reason and how they actually think their behavior is normal :(
Sorry to hear things are so bad x

[Tyke]

Hi Lior

To be honest, if I were you I would be thinking about moving out. You said you'd been living with friends - is it possible to do that again? Is there any way you could earn more to avoid getting into too much debt if you move? Don't take on more loans than you can afford, but do consider the importance of your mental wellbeing which is being compromised living at home. You can't really change people and like Mishel says, if you point their shortcomings out to them, you may well become the target of their frustrations.

Once you have left home it is never a good idea to go back if you can help it. Even in families with fewer problems it is awkward compromising on the freedoms and independence that you have got used to.

Tyke :)

[sammiexo]

Hi lior
Ive been in the same situation my entire life. My parents have been separated 5 years and they still argue like they're together. I have really bad anxiety problems that's probably one of the factors that have pushed it. Theyve been arguing over the past week and now my younger sister is refusing to visit my dad so ive moved in with him until it all blows over, hopefully it does.
I've only just found this wesbite and glad I have been having shooting pains on my head for the past hour and stinging eyes. Had myself down for a braun tumor until I read some of the posts here. 19 with health anxiety, boy do I feel stupid! Keep strong they're are a lot of others in the save situation that are here to help. You'll get through it, I know I will :)
Sammie xo

[lior]

Mishel and Tyke, what you say really rings true. What Mum's idea of normal is completely different to mine, and we're never going to be able to reconcile that. She thinks it's immature of me to 'not deal with the situation' by moving out. As a teenager people always told me how mature I was. I'm quite relieved actually to be called immature - this is the first time. It feels like a licence to do what I want and not be responsible. I don't want to be responsible, and living at home I'm forced into that situation.

So I'm escaping it. I'll have to carry on working evenings as well as studying, but it's worth it to not be living at home in this madness. It's too stressful. I'd rather bring on work-related stress to myself than have other people inflicting stress on me.

This is the time for me to separate from my family. I thought it would be easier to go back, I really did! But there's no changing these deeply rooted patterns of arguing. And I can't help being sensitive. I was much less sensitive before - when I lived here, and before I was depressed.

I don't want to just shut up and let people shout at me for stupid reasons. I don't think it's right. I don't think I should change in that way, because it's not positive. I know it can be hard moving out and stressful with money worries, but it's better than this, I've been crying all day and I can't stop! I don't want to be faced with these problems, and if I move out they cease to exist.

Mum made out that I wouldn't be facing them if I move out, but when I was gone they genuinely didn't exist. We had a good relationship when we didn't see each other every day. She kept saying 'one day when you're a parent you'll have these arguments too...' but one day is not now, and now I want to have an easy life. I don't need to face the problems of when I'm married or a parent now.

I feel a bit calmer now. I haven't had a weepy day for quite a while, maybe a few months. I've been so happy with my boyfriend and my family burst that bubble every time I come home. I can't remember the last time I've been so upset about something.

How can I stop myself from crying today? :(