hello inside there

[missycheeky]

im a women in the latter years of my life.

If i could sum up the cause of my depression and reason for my lack of self esteem and anxiety would be one word. REJECTION.

From an early age i was sexually abused and thought this was loved and when i said no, i was rejected.

I'm a twin and we are exact opposite, she is very outgoing im not. Guess who everyone liked and who got ignor. some of my friends and family only know me because im Julie's sister. When my mum died when we were 17, my gran said she wanted Julie to come live with her and not me. I dont know what hurt more, that she went or that my gran and noone else wanted me.

From then on I stopped trying to achieve, just fit in and didnt socialise what so ever. 30yrs on, im fat, unemployed and spend most of my days sleeping and crying.
I dont leave my room even though I live in a two bedroom flat.
I dont go out.
I dont talk to anyone.
And even though my son lives with me, there are days when i dont speak or see him at all.

in a rut and loving and loathing it at the same time.:blush:

[nomorepanic]

Hi missycheeky

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[bottleblond]

Hi hun

Welcome along to NMP :flowers:

If there is one thing i can say to you regarding your into is.... People don't know/like you because you are a relitive of someone but because you are you. You are you and an individual person no matter how you live your life.

I am agoraphobic with a 12 year old son but i have the most amazing friends and family. Yeah granted, sometimes we don't want to mix with our nearest and dearest but that's not our of lack of love but out of lack of confindence and self worth.

You know what...No matter what age, gender, situation you are in, you are who you are and we are all worth being an individual because that's what makes us and you hold your head high because you're not a bad person.

:hugs:

Lisa
xxx

[Pattinson]

Hi this is Pattinson! I am new to this forum, i think i can learn a lot in this forum!

[missycheeky]

hello pattison, im just looking to get of this room

[terror-x]

welcome :)

[Mogwog]

Hi and welcome

L.x

[missycheeky]

ever felt that you are living your life in a closet. and outside you can hear people having a party, enjoying themselves. but your in the closet.

its not locked, you can turned the handle and get out anytime you want. but you dont. your waiting for someone to open the door and invite you out. but when they open the door to enquire what you doing, all you can think is pls close the door.

so they close the door and you can hear them having an happy time and you wish you were out there enjoying yourself too. but the door remain closed. why???

is it because its safe inside that closet. it maybe small and dark but you know ever inch of it. there is no one there to judge or reject you. the nothingness in itself is normal, and over time you are use to it. its a comfort. its home. but you dont want to live there.

you want to open the closet door and live

[bevwilks]

Hi Missycheeky, you need to get yourself out of that closet. get rid of your safety net and fight whats out there. I know how you feel what your saying about your friends. i've been there. forget what other people think of you face it head on hunny. you need to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you...

[missycheeky]

my benefits are being cut and i'll be in debt soon, my son who just got a job after I support his ass through uni and a year unemployment told me not to ask him for money because he's moving out ASAP

[Tyke]

Hi Missycheeky

What is your GP like? I think you could do with a bit more support and that would probably be a good place to start. Have you ever had counselling? Are you on any medication? These are things your doctor can help you with. Given your traumatic early start to life it isn't surprising that you find things so hard, but none of it was your fault and there is help available if you can only reach out for it.

Tyke :)

[missycheeky]

thanks Tyke, write on here made me realise that i do need help to get out of this room. ive got an appointment next week. still anxiety and depressed but just wanting to turn the knob on the door is a big step for me

[kibbutz83]

Hi Missy, I just wanted to say that your life sounds very familiar to me. I was the victim of childhood sexual abuse, and I tried for 35 years to get someone to acknowledge the horrible things that had been done to me... finally at the age of 44 I found the courage to confront my parents and my brother (my abuser) about how it had made me feel... they chose to dismiss my pain totally, and preferred to say I was mad... all those years to find the strength to assert myself, and it is squished in seconds. I find it utterly incredible how unspeakably selfish people can be, and how they would rather dismiss our pain than stand up and be honest about their appalling behaviour.
I too lived in that closet, and it was such a lonely place :( I think for me it was about taking control of my life, and no longer allowing others to lead me... I think that when we are abused as children, a silent voice takes away our sense of self somehow. Your "safe place" no longer protects you, it imprisons you. You are entitled to live, entitled to have joy. My life changed when I removed myself from the remnants of my past, and drew a line under it. Sometimes the things that we believe are protecting us, are actually keeping us as children... you are entitled to ask your son to leave if he is over 16 (I think). My son works and gives me no money, and I am on benefit too... I think i have brought him up to be pretty selfish:( Although I do love him... I showed him very few boundaries growing up, so now I am living with the consequences :(
I've learnt the hard way that if we harbour guilt or jealousy for too long, it festers and becomes a huge red painful sore, that in time will swallow us up... time to heal, time to allow yourself to let go x

[missycheeky]

@kibbutz83 (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/member.php?u=31240)

wow, you sound just like me, weird. i raised my son like you and now he's always angry with me. when he moves out that will be the last i see of him. ungrateful bstard.

need to forget and go on. got plans but just scared of the other boot dropping and finding myself in more trouble. going back to bed

[kibbutz83]

I think what I was trying to say is that it's my fault that my son's selfish... not his :( I was a crap mother till he was 11, cos I couldn't cope on my own... being a single mother is the hardest most miserable thing I'll ever do. Sometimes the loneliness was so unbearable I would just curl up in my bed and cry for days... I can't even begin to tell you what other horrors I had to deal with, that pushed me over the edge to a mental breakdown :( Don't think that you're alone in what you're going through, there are probably millions of us out here :(
I'd say it's time to get out of bed and take on the world... otherwise the world will take you on, and it won't be gentle :(

[kibbutz83]

I forgot to say that your son's what you made him... so if he's miserable then you need to take a long hard look at yourself... I know you won't wanna hear that, but it's the only chance either of you have got to have a decent life :)