i cry for the young girl i used to be

[denise84]

this is the first time i have posted about this......i met my husband when i was 15, six months into our relationship he punched me, he was living with me in my mums house. i accepted the punch as he was drunk. then just before my 16th birthday my mum threw us out and we got our own house, from the first day we lived in our own house he would hit me, his fave thing was to strangle me. i dont know why i didnt leave him, i shouldve but i didnt. we then moved to a flat in town centre, and thats when it realy began to get abusive. he would hold my throat and then as i was about to faint would let me drop to the floor, after he would say 'its ok, i wouldnt let you pass out', then ask if i was ok. then it would be forgotten about. i remember when i came home from work one day, he started calling me names as he had been drinking, i was just getting changed and had only a vest top on and jeans, no socks or shoes on, and he threw me out of the flat, and as it was raining outside i had to wait out in the landing to get back in the flat, when his friends came to the door he let them in and told me to stay in the landing, he hadnt locked the door so i crept in and had to sleep in our cupboard so he wouldnt know i was there. i used to have to ask him for food, he would call me fat, although i was 5'3 and only weighed 6 and a half stone. then i fell pregnant with our first child and it all stopped, we moved into alovely house and carried on to have another child, then we got married, and all this time he never lifted a finger on me, but has cheated endless times and called me names.now im pregnant with our third child and he is a totally diffrent person, so nice and caring, so why cant i stop thinking about what he used to do to me? i actually cry and feel sorry for that little frightened girl that was me. i sometimes wonder if he is to blame for my panic attacks and depression, but back then i also abused drugs. i love my husband so much and he loves me too, he would never hit me again i know that, but when i think back to then i feel he robbed what was supposed to be the best years of my life.

dmcgovern

[wendy]

Hi Denise

I really really feel so sad for what you have been through, no wonder you are having these sad thoughts,

I also have abused drugs and used to experience panic attacks from this and was also in an abusive relationship, that I am now free from and I know it destroys your self confidence and most definatley adds to panic, anxiety and depression, it is like constantly living on a knife edge, or waiting for a bomb to explode, always walking on eggshells, never able to relax for fear of the next outburst.

Have you received counselling? you have been through so much and may be in need of a release

Are you sure your husband will never hurt you again? I dont want to judge your situation but I know with my ex partner (if he is fit to be called that) I could never trust him again or ever feel totally safe and break free from the when will the next attack take place cycle

Have you both talked through the past? No person should have to live how you have and you are very brave to have come through this, your post has brought a tear to my eye to think how you have suffered

Please if you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a pm

Take Care

Wendy xx

[Piglet]

Aww Den - I don't know what to say mate cos it may sound judgemental.

The biggest hugs lovie and I sincerely hope that this is all in the past and the future is rosy. Do you think as has been suggested some counselling may help???

Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Southern_Belle]

Denise,

First of all you are never ever respnsible for someone hitting you whether you took drugs or not. I do think that you need counseling and that actually both of you should receive it. I don't know how you will ever feel "safe" in your own home until you know he has sought help and you know why it happened. He probably doesn't know but needs to know why so it will never happen again. This could very well be the cause of your anxiety and panic, it would be a good reason. Hun, you did lose your teen years and young adult years to abuse, you were robbed. Even though you are so very happy now, (marriage wise) make sure it stays that way and keep you happy, because you really aren't, by getting help. I hope this makes sense.

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"

[Meggy]

Hi Denise -
My first marriage lasted 18 years. The last 13 were as Wendy said in a way, I always felt like I was living with a bomb but the reality I know now is, I was living with a dangerous bomb to me and my children. I kept thinking if all of us would just straighten up we wouldn't have these problems, darn't. My parents told me that too, a reinforcer from the dysfunctional duo. I love my parents, but not as parents.

I got no help inside the marriage for both of us but did finally seek it for myself. I sought help because I felt so screwed up also I couldn't keep me and the kids "in line". What in the world was wrong with us? HIM! If he wasn't physically abusing us he was playing so many clever mind games I was always whispering to my children - be quiet Daddy's in a bad mood. Once I heard what a tangled mess I was in and what it was doing to me as a person and as a mother? It wasn't that hard for me to see I had to get out. I went to a counselor about some problem I thought I had but it turns out I felt imprisoned by this man's abuse OR the potential abuse. That potential is very powerful too, for me at times more so. One of the two things they taught me that stuck with me is that an abusive relationship past or present is so tangled up, confusing, guilt tripping, at least for me, I wasn't making good judgments for any of us. The other thing they said that made such an impression on me because I see it still, 22 years later in all of us, is that we grew "antennae" or "radar" for abuse. We're all still hypervigilant. I can't believe I would even think this but I'd say to very small children - your father's coming home now for gawd's sake behave at dinner for once! It was NOT them or ME it was HIM but I couldn't see it. It's all these mind games that for us at least had me blinded. Particularly if you come from a childhood family that was abusive or uninterested? That's all you know. That's all I knew. I remember this very educated man came home one day, good example of smarts doesn't count in abuse, and was excited because he learned from his abusive brother if he doubled over his belt to smack the kids around it hurt worse. He did that. I took my son to the doctor with three well defined belt buckle bruises with even the tongue showing and I was told - you will get your husband into counseling right? Well good grief if I could have why would I be there plus in the UK along with the US there is a professional responsibility, it's the LAW, for professional nurses and doctors to report suspected child abuse. I took my children to four doctors showing rug burns, bruises, abrasions. Finally one doctor called the police and they released him on his own recognizance because he was a doctor! What did that have to do with it? He was a madman. He also excelled in strangling me and continued trying long after I divorced him and married someone else - he tried that four times AFTER we were divorced. I had his a** arrested. He got off, he was a doctor.

I got my guts up to ask for a divorce. Both times he said okay if first we go into counseling, which we did for a few times. Each time the separate counselors said to him, you can not abuse your wife, children, get help for alcoholism, nor could he send out threat warnings to us he might hurt us, nor verbal abuse. Now this guy was an M.D.You know what his reaction was? Both times he looked at me with this astonished look on his face like - well what's LEFT! Worse than that? I somewhat wondered myself.

You know something? I have not been in your exact situation and I don't know what your life would be like divorced but mine was very hard for about 2 years and it was so sweet without him I still marvel over that. The other thing I can see others picked up on who have been there, done that is you are very insistent he won't hurt you again. Why are you so insistent and yet so distraught? One counselor told us that my ex was abusive because he had poor coping skills, emotional problems he wasn't to guess at but they were VIOLENT emotions.

[Meggy]

Denise -
I read your post again after I posted below? This happened to me, which doesn't tell me it's what you're feeling, but the last time I got pregnant I felt like - great, another anchor in the water. IOW one more child that kept me financially bound to this man I was so unhappy with. I note you're pregnant and wondered if you had similar feelings I did.

The other thing is I didn't notice the first time he's cheating on you all the time? Sweetie that IS abuse. Betrayal and Rejection? Sheesh those things feel horrid. My first husband needed a harem too and frankly I'd rather be whipped across the face with his belt than when he gave me gonoorhea and chlamadyia. It's your business but after being treated for those two things? He didn't get near me again without a prophylactic. Do that for you at least.

I'm not saying divorce him. I know it's sounded like it. I won't ever live your life whether it goes up or down but please, protect your health. That was embarassing beyond words to get those two diseases too.

Meggy