Having Children - will it pass the anxiety on?

[ConfusedByLife]

I would be interested to hear fellow anxiety sufferers views on having children. I want to have children but then I think my anxiety will be passed onto them from my genes and re-inforced by my behaviour. Nervousness runs in my family so there must be a strong genetic link. My mum suffered alot with nervousness whenI was growwing up and I think subconciously I picked up and copied her behaviours. In my opinion it is in the genes until something inevitably triggers it off. I think having children would therefore be selfish of me, because I wouldnt want my child having to struggle through anxiety the way I am. What do ppl think?

[weepinky]

Hi there

I will be very interested to hear what everyone has to say about this subject - I have no one in my family that suffers - this is perhaps why I have told no one about my condition (except my partner), I suffer in silence should we say!!!!

My son has no idea as I just carry on as normal (I'm good at pretending)! So the replies here will make interesting reading for me.

Take Care


Love Pinky

[wendy]

Hi

An interesting topic! I think it is true that behaviour patterns are picked up by children - My mum had depression and I feel this affected my childhood however saying that having my son was the best thing I have ever done, he has brought such happiness into my life and despite sometimes feeling guilty that my anxiety affects him I think that as anxiety sufferers we are more sensitive as people and as a result can make us excellent parents. I think all parents make some mistakes despite suffering from anxiety or not, I wish my son didnt have to see me with such anxiety as it breaks my heart but I think over all he is well balanced (much more than I was) and hope he will grow up to be a none anxiety sufferer!

Wendy x

[Spice]

Hi

I find this very interesting. My Mum has had anxiety problems since she was in her 20's and I developed problems in my 30's.
My oldest daughter is 17 and is the most unanxious person you could ever meet, she is just too laid back but my other daughter who is 9 has already developed anxious behaviour which my therapist says is "learned behaviour" from being with me when I am at my worst. This makes me very sad to think that I have made her like this.
I am unsure if there is a genetic link or if it's just something that is learned.

Love Spice
x

Sometimes I give myself the creeps, Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, It all keeps adding up, I think I'm cracking up, Or am I just paranoid ..... Billie Joe Armstrong

[jodie]

hi

i agree with spice
my mum is very panicy and has anxiety realy bad ,i think i am bad with anxiety as a result of learnd behaviour i do remember her being very stressed all the time that made me feel stressed and panicy i sometimes dident know why i was panicing i just was .
i have a 4yr old she also seems a bit panicy im sure if i dont get better from this then she will be just the same cos if i am having a good day then she is totaly ok "happy"but if i feel ill and panicy she also changes

jo x

[carlin]

Hi there, Felt i had to reply. Neither of my parents/or other family suffered with anxiety. I have done so for 18 years now. I have 4 children (ages 26, 24, 17, 16) None of them suffer in any way from anxiety/panic, they lead perfectly 'normal' lives. Two eldest (one done uni) now have very responsible jobs) My 3rd is at college studying beauty therapy and my youngest is about to sit his GCSE's. When they were younger i just had to get on with it, now they are able to understand (to a certain extent) I have explained what goes on. My children and I are very close, but i pat myself on the back and think what a good job we (hubby too of course) have done to set them off into the big wide world...Of course, we have had the usual family struggles on the way (and still do with my youngest tearaway) but thats life. And i regret nothing....

[susan]

Hi there, Confused by Life! If you breed from a thoroughbred, the foal will be highly strung- not a pit pony! This means that you will have beautiful, sensitive, empathic children. Would you want it any other way? You children will be whoever they are supposed to be!.. and they will be beautiful! Neither of my children suffer. (Both awful teenagers) I have encouraged the "let what your feeling out" phylosophy. (To the detriment of my nerves!) I suffer with problems because my mother handed me negativity, critisim, guilt and fear- that hasnt been genetic either.

sue

[Spice]

I felt I had to reply again. I too pat myself on the back and think what a great job I have done for bringing up two children on my own for most of the time (hubby worked away) and although I said in my post that the youngest has anxiety issues my oldest who is now 17 as I also said is as laid back as anyone could be and she has been accepted for University to start studying Medicine!!
I agree with Susan when she says that "children will be whoever they are supposed to be."

Spice

Sometimes I give myself the creeps, Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, It all keeps adding up, I think I'm cracking up, Or am I just paranoid ..... Billie Joe Armstrong

[susan]

Hi, me again. Checking that nobody took me wrongly. I so didnt mean bad parenting causes anxiety. That was just a swipe at my mum. ( God this gets worse doesnt it!) I know wonderfully warm, nurturing parents of fellow sufferers. I just meant it wasnt a "probable" thing- illness begetting illness. To be sensitive is good. Sorry, I appear to be trampling in my Doc Martins here. I really just come over badly sometimes- an Aries. Love to all Susan.

sue

[shiv]

Yeah, unfortunately there is evidence that anxiety is at least partly genetic. There is a LOT of it on my dad's side of the family in particular and my son suffers health anxiety at the age of 12! However, we all have some unpleasant traits to pass on. Some people are diabetic, some are asthmatic, some have high incidences of certain cancers or heart diseases in their family and a lot or these illnesses are passed down genetically, but that's not to say that none of these people should have children is it!?

Unfortunately these things are just partand parcel of life and I don't think you should deprive yourself of the fantastic gift of parenthood because of a "what if". you sound like a good person and I think that's all that counts. I certainly don't wish I weren't born because of this cr**py gene I seem to have inherited!!

Shiv x

[tnt808]

I have children as well and at times am afraid that it will not necessarily be passed on by my genes, but by learned behavior. Does that make sense? I do tend to believe that it can be genetic also....but have found that looking back some of my anxiety could have been taught to me by certain outside influences.

I don't think having anxiety should put you off having children it has also been the best thing that's happned to me too. I have learned how to be a much more creative mother having had this illness and not being able to do all the things that "normal" mothers can do for their children.

Tina

[eeyorelover]

I have 4 children (all teenagers) and none have shown any signs of anxiety but who know what will happen. I wondered this myself for a long time. I didn't keep my children in the dark about my panic because they saw me at my worst even tho I tried to keep it under wraps at first but when the kids saw me running around like a mad woman cleaning house and trying to keep my mind off the panic, I figured that I better tell them what was going on.
I have heard many people talk about whether or not to have children, afraid of passing anxiety on or afraid that the panic would make them a less than perfect mother. But my thought on it is that it's just another what if. You can worry about passing on any kind of genetic illness that someone in your family has had or that you may have. You can worry about not being able to be perfect all the time or what if the panic gets in the way. But the truth is, what is going to happen, is going to happen whether you worry about it or not and it just takes too much time and energy away from the great things in life if you always wonder 'what if'.


Sandy
(eeyorelover)

If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off :)

[marie ross]

Hi. I have two children aged 9 and 10 who now know that i suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. This last year they have been brilliant, especially if we are out and i start feeling "funny". I know they're young but they understand and i hav'nt noticed them being anxious or nervous at all, who knows what the future will hold but i won't dwell on it, i don't want any more unwanted thoughts running through my mind!!!! For the record i have a twin sister who also suffered from panic attacks but both my parents were'nt anxious or nervous at all and it came as a hugh shock to both of them.

[JEdge]

HI - I don't know if you are still picking up your messages however I had a baby girl last October and suffered general anxiety disorder long before that.
I don't think theres any evidence to suggest it is hereditary however think of it this way - with all the help, support and understanding there is out there you will be fully equipped to help your siblings out if ever needed. Thats the way I look at it. Its a part of me forever but I accept that and will just scope life the way it suits me best as I will help my little girl if ever she is confronted by it.
Take care
Jo

"Come to the edge" he said
They said "We are afraid"
"Come to the edge" he said
They came.
He pushed them and they flew.

[sandra114]

I have had anxiety for 25years in various degrees, my mum also suffers from anxiety. My brother and my 20year old son however are totally confident people and have never shown any signs of being anxious people thank god.

Sandra x

[stefany_1999]

i am 23 and have 3 children i suffer from depression which in some extent is passed from my mother who has manic depression aparently runs in family but my children have no signs of this affecting them, i did get very worried as my daughter who is 5 was bringing home black paintings home from school and teachers had meantioned she had gone quiet, but she is back to her old self now confident as ever with the biggest attitude lol i think in some ways children could be affected but you are not beening selfish to want to start a family children have there own minds and own opinions as i stress my and my daughter clash in many ways.....hope this helps xxxxxxxxx

[MrMonkey]

I am swayed into thinking that it is genetic. My mumshows no sign or such conditions, but my Dad suffers from anxiety too. However, my parents divorced when I was young and I have hardly seen my Dad so I do not believe I could have picked up anxious behaviour from him, it is just how I am, or how I have learned to be as I am not strong, and was picked on in school so I think I learned to be anxious.

That said, as far as having children goes. Yes, I think it probably will be passed on and they will suffer, but having had years of coping with it myself I hope that in bringing them up I can avoid making it worse by my actions and teach them how to cope with stress before it hits them majorly like it did with me. I got stressed but didnt relaly realise it and it was only after I had a nervous breakdown of sorts that I started to learn how to cope. I hope I can avoid that with my children if I ever have any. Love is very sparse in the Monkey hosuehold :)

* * *
It's just my high anxiety getting to the best of me. I call him Bingbongilypoop. Then I can laugh at him cos he has a funny name. HAHA! [points]

[clickaway]

Take my case. My Dad is somewhat nervous and my mum was somewhat overcautious. My brother is OK too, but again doesn't take risks!

From the four of us, I am the only one qualifying as a member of this site!

So its quite possible for a non-sufferer to raise an anxious child. Indeed, think of it another way - if you have a child yourself and they turn out to be anxious, you will give them a greater understanding. As I child I was very confused and didn't know where to turn, and my parents couldn't deal with my emotions. I see understanding a child's emotional needs as essential to parenting, although I am not a Dad myself!

Your child will have much inner beauty and you should celebrate and value that.



Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers