Sexual Phobia of some kind?

[FireCoyote]

Hi. My name is FireCoyote, and I'm scared of sex. Beware: things might get graphic... and this could take a while.

This is especially difficult for me to talk about. Probably because I am coming to terms with many other things about myself that I have been in denial about for many years. Not the topic of this post though.
The topic is the fact that I am 23, still a virgin, and am now dating someone who I want nothing more than to be sexually intimate with. However, something always stops me from going further. Truth be told, I am absolutely TERRIFIED of seeing him naked.
It's not like I have never seen a naked man before in my life (I went to college and watch adult films), but mind you, every single time I have had before me a naked man, I have been under the influence of alcohol. I have needed it in order to deal with it due to a previous, bad experience where I was coerced into sexual activity when I was fairly young and stupid. I have been dealing with that due to its recent discovery, and my boyfriend has been helping me with this.
I know how bad that sounds, and there is no excuse for my behavior. I know that with that intoxicant, it keeps that voice in the back of head from screaming in fear and delays dealing with the shame, guilt, and embarrassment until the morning after. That's how I dealt with it in the past, which in retrospect, I do not wish to repeat ever again. Especially not this time, when I have found someone who I do not need to be drunk around in order to at least make out with.
I am constantly thinking about sex with him, and it doesn't scare me when it's in my head -- in fact, it excites me. But the thought of actually seeing ALL OF HIM in front of me scares the crap out of me. We have done things of -- ahem -- natural action, but the thought of me taking his pants off SCARES ME TO DEATH. He can take my pants off, but I still have to tell myself it's alright for him to do so, and even then I get a twinge of shame within me.
It's not like I do not have the desire to please him, but I find it debilitating when I think about doing some of other actions to him, or even getting to the moment of intercourse. I do not want to be drunk if I lose my virginity. I do not want to be intoxicated in any way. I have not held out this long only to be disappointed. I want to get over this aversion. I really do, but every time I even think about going in that direction, it scares me so much that I back off. He thinks it's him, when I have told him on numerous occasions that it is not. He is aware of what has happened to me (and what has not), I'm just not sure if he understands the extent of my fear. I like him, I really do. I just can't bring myself to do the same things I was forced to do so long ago. I feel like I fail as a human because I feel like this is impossible to get over this fear. It's frustrating.
::SIGH::
Is this phobia or is this normal behavior? What have people gone through to go through treatment for such? I have tried throwing myself into those situations to fix it, but has only made matters worse. It has only lowered my self esteem to feel like no man would ever appreciate me on a level any more than skin deep. I no longer know what to do. Please keep in mind that being 23, I have no money for a therapist. Hence, I am kind of alone here.

[Anxious_gal]

Sounds like a phobia that came from PSD maybe?
Maybe if you can deal with the past it may help, therapy could be good but it will make you feel worse at first bringing up all those painful memories,
You try desensitising yourself to him being naked, could he help you out on that?
Like maybe start with a photo of him nude, then maybe look at him in person nude but from a safe distance or even on webcam and slowly work you way up to being with him?

[Lynnann]

Hi firecoyote,

You need to look at a couple of things before you go down this path, firstly previous occasions that you were coerced into sexual acitivity, not your choice stop blaming yourself! sorry I am a little blunt by nature :) once you get involved in the moment that voice at the back of your head will weaken.

What i worry about is that this will be your first expereience, it will not live up to expectation, it seldom does. first times are painful and uncomfortable for both parties

Your thought process is normal, you should never do anything you are uncomfortable with, whatever your reasons behind it

Hope this helps

Lynnann:flowers:

[FireCoyote]

Thank you both for your replies. It is good to know that someone out there is listening.
@Mishel -- Just thinking about that increases the anxiety. As I was reading your reply, all I felt was a tightening in my stomach. Could be the fact that someone put milk in my coffee and I'm lactose intolerant, or the idea does strike some sort of bad physical response. It's an idea, and it might help. I may just have to thrust myself through the anxiety and just -- no pun intended -- expose myself to my fear.
I already am trying to dig up those memories in order to get over it. I was in denial for almost 10 years about it. It wasn't until fairly recently that I had realized what it was that was inhibiting me in the past... that one little incident that screwed me over for so long. I feel cheated that I didn't stop someone from doing that to me. I am still so angry at myself.
@Lynnann -- No, I appreciate bluntness. It's so rare nowadays. I'd rather hear the raw truth then sift through a bunch of sugar-coated BS to get the bones of a discussion. He's been saying that too, was that it was not my fault. But somehow I still think it is. I could have stopped it, but felt like this was something I had to do, and if I didn't.... We're not going to get into that. And just the fact that I was intoxicated for the other times, and that was the only way to deal with it? What kind of a person am I that I chose to do those things, and so dumbly let them happen again and again?
I know that losing virginity is no walk in the park. I think that's another thing I scared myself about it. I've heard tales and read stories about other women who have performed such an action only to A) have the person leave the next day and never talk to them again, B) Have it hurt so much that they considered never doing it again, or C) it was so awkward. I don't understand the motivation if it is going to be all unpleasant. While it's instinct that's moving me towards those thoughts, logically speaking it doesn't seem to compute. Why would you want to do it, knowing fully well what it's going to do and be (aka, not all peaches and sunshine)? I cannot plea ignorance on this, but I guess that was my motivation for going through the other stuff: I'm gonna have to do it sometime. Might as well get this "pleasantry" out of the way now instead of avoiding it and becoming even more afraid of it. Even though the anxiety nearly kills me every time. I never truly enjoyed doing any of it. I simply thought this is something I'm gonna' have to do eventually.
Plus, I have an fear of becoming pregnant. I do not want kids, and I have seen what pregnancy does to people. I am already on birth control, but that's aside the point.
The main thing is that I am wondering if this fear is clinical or if it is normal. I am just so frustrated. I am angry at myself. I am a whole mixture of emotions that I don't quite understand. I feel like my mind and my body are at war with each other, each vying for control over my actions. Logic has ruled me for some time, and when emotion finally came back from the grave and was starting to be a heavy hitter, that's when the war started back up again. This is a battle for me, and I simply don't know how to rationalize what is happening or going on.

[movin497]

Hi. My name is FireCoyote, and I'm scared of sex. Beware: things might get graphic... and this could take a while.

This is especially difficult for me to talk about. Probably because I am coming to terms with many other things about myself that I have been in denial about for many years. Not the topic of this post though.
The topic is the fact that I am 23, still a virgin, and am now dating someone who I want nothing more than to be sexually intimate with. However, something always stops me from going further. Truth be told, I am absolutely TERRIFIED of seeing him naked.
It's not like I have never seen a naked man before in my life (I went to college and watch adult films), but mind you, every single time I have had before me a naked man, I have been under the influence of alcohol. I have needed it in order to deal with it due to a previous, bad experience where I was coerced into sexual activity when I was fairly young and stupid. I have been dealing with that due to its recent discovery, and my boyfriend has been helping me with this.
I know how bad that sounds, and there is no excuse for my behavior. I know that with that intoxicant, it keeps that voice in the back of head from screaming in fear and delays dealing with the shame, guilt, and embarrassment until the morning after. That's how I dealt with it in the past, which in retrospect, I do not wish to repeat ever again. Especially not this time, when I have found someone who I do not need to be drunk around in order to at least make out with.
I am constantly thinking about sex with him, and it doesn't scare me when it's in my head -- in fact, it excites me. But the thought of actually seeing ALL OF HIM in front of me scares the crap out of me. We have done things of -- ahem -- natural action, but the thought of me taking his pants off SCARES ME TO DEATH. He can take my pants off, but I still have to tell myself it's alright for him to do so, and even then I get a twinge of shame within me.
It's not like I do not have the desire to please him, but I find it debilitating when I think about doing some of other actions to him, or even getting to the moment of intercourse. I do not want to be drunk if I lose my virginity. I do not want to be intoxicated in any way. I have not held out this long only to be disappointed. I want to get over this aversion. I really do, but every time I even think about going in that direction, it scares me so much that I back off. He thinks it's him, when I have told him on numerous occasions that it is not. He is aware of what has happened to me (and what has not), I'm just not sure if he understands the extent of my fear. I like him, I really do. I just can't bring myself to do the same things I was forced to do so long ago. I feel like I fail as a human because I feel like this is impossible to get over this fear. It's frustrating.
::SIGH::
Is this phobia or is this normal behavior? What have people gone through to go through treatment for such? I have tried throwing myself into those situations to fix it, but has only made matters worse. It has only lowered my self esteem to feel like no man would ever appreciate me on a level any more than skin deep. I no longer know what to do. Please keep in mind that being 23, I have no money for a therapist. Hence, I am kind of alone here.


its not a phobia its just one small fear
you are still virgin may be because of this such kind of thoughts came in your mind
stop thinking much on this and lets see you will find this will be very interesting

[FireCoyote]

I wish I could understand exactly what is you're saying.

[Lynnann]

Hi FireCoyote,

You were young and niave, you were taken advantage of, quite simply thats not your fault, it never was. You have moved on from that young person. Perhaps look at it another way? If a good friend was telling you "your story" what advice would you give her?

What I was trying to say was don't dwell on the "first time" issue. It is going to be uncomfortable for you but I promise it does get better, people wouldn't keep doing it otherwise:)

You do seem to be at war with yourself, there was time for logic when you weren't in love, now it is time to find a way to accomodate your emotions as well.

It sounds like you love your boyfriend and he loves you he is showing this with his patience and understanding. Take things slowly you will enjoy being with him in every way. Just be kinder to yourself. a) he loves you, he is not going to leave you the following day. b) It is extremely rare that women have never considered doing it again after the first time c) It will be likely be awkward because he will be worried about hurting you the first time but the next time will be better:)

You will get there, in the mean time do as much with him that feels comfortable, the more contact you have with him the more you will feel able to attempt.

I hope this helps:)

Lynnann:flowers:

[kashameets]

First of all if you have felt like this for 10 years that means whatever happened to you happened when you were a 13 year old CHILD, so whatever was done to you was wrong, they were wrong......you were a child and not responsible for your actions, it was not your fault:hugs: If a 13 year old child came to you and told you that the same thing had happened to them would you tell them that they were to blame and should feel guilty?????? NO you wouldn't because it would be the other persons fault...try to take your self out of the picture and think about how you would feel if it had happened to someone else and what you would tell them, it can make you see things clearer......the person that took advantage of you has made you feel the way you do, they are to blame.
I think you are putting a lot of pressure on your self which is making you more scared because you feel like you HAVE TO have sex, you dont, you should only have sex when you feel its right, if thats in a month or in 3 years time then thats the right time and if your boyfriend loves you he will wait:)
Most peoples first time never lives up to what they think it will be, its not like it is in the films, its likely to be awkward.
Most people are scared like you about there first time and even if your boyfriend is not a virgin he WILL be scared when you first have sex.
I also wanted to point out that first time sex is not always uncomfortable or painful and that i would say a huge percentage of first times involve alcohol because people are scared.
I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in how you feel and that most people would of gone through the same feelings and fear.
A phobia is a irrational fear of something, your fear is normal but has been made worse by a trauma that you have not been able to move past and i would suggest that you talk to your GP about it as they could send you for counseling so that you can take back the control that someone took away from you when you were a 13 year old child :hugs:

[hypnotherapylondon]

Hey FireCoyote,
It sounds like you have a caring boyfriend. Talk to him and ask him if he will help you to lose your anxiety. If he is willing to help you then you both need to come up with a plan. Forget about losing your virginity for now, it is in a safe place so keep it safe.

If you sense that any form of intimacy will ultimately lead to intercourse then of course it will frighten you. The trick is for you both to agree that whatever you are doing together at that moment will not lead to full intercourse, it will free you to 'be in the moment' instead of in a future dread or worry.

You need to do this in stages. Work out with your partner something mildly intimate that you will do together. Prepare to be anxious.
Say if you planed to just put your hand near his sensitive area for 60 secs, experience the anxiety then stop and get your breath. Rest for a short while and then do it again, rest then do it again. Plan to do nothing more than what you both agreed and keep to that plan. If you want to go further then it has to be on another occasion, stay with the plan.

It may take weeks and weeks or even months but slowly you will build up a trust in what you are doing and start feel a little more natural. There is no rush. Plan, do the plan, do it until you feel comfortable, then move to the next thing that you planned together. Don't make the leaps from one plan to the next too big, small steps are best.

[matthew5454]

That is fear, I can relate to that cause I have had fears about showing various different parts of my body, I also have been having cosmetic treatment's, some can be petty painful to change my body. There is a sense of shame and fear I feel about nudity. I think that cognitive behaviour therapy might be able to help you with this. There is also a thing called Sensate technique that involves touching a small part then building up, maybe start with some form of massage and build up. I have feel empathy for these problems, recently I have had turmoil and I could not even cope with my feet being massaged which I used to enjoy. Don't pressure yourself, take small steps your get there. Good luck.

[Paul H]

Hi there. I know that this is an old thread now but I'll add my tuppence worth in case anybody with similar worries comes along.

I like "hypnotherapylondon's" plan above. It's called desensitisation and is similar to what you would do if you went along to London Zoo's arachnophobia course. It's a common technique and works well if carefully managed.

With regard to the breathing: Most people, when asked to take a deep breath, throw their shoulders back and tense the muscles in their chests. That's not so relaxing. Try this instead:

Gently push out your tummy to the count of three. You will automatically inhale as you do this. Do so through the nose. Hold the breath to a count of three and then exhale to the count of six - through the mouth. Repeat.

With regard to the plan which hypnotherapylondon discussed, approach it as follows:

write a list of the things you fear doing or experiencing at present. Then order them in terms of least to most frightening. Tackle the least worrying thing first.

An example for someone with a fear of sexual intimacy might run as follows:

1. enter bedroom with partner.
2. sit on bed with partner
3. lie on bed with partner
4. lie under covers with...
5. remove socks
6. remove tops

etc etc. You get the idea. The idea is to become relaxed, through exposure, with each stage before moving onwards. Each stage will produce anxiety but you will breathe and in time the anxiety will diminish as your brain learns that nothing bad happens.

Now, if you have issues such as shame arising from sexual abuse then you can deal with this at the same time as you go through these steps. If you can't afford a therapist (though some will see low income clients for reduced fees) then I quite like a book by Penny Parks: "Rescuing the inner child" which deals with how one can overcome childhood (or adolescent) sexual abuse. It's a good book. The book's introduction warns, however, against using the techniques alone if you consider yourself to be deeply psychologically traumatised and "disturbed."

I hope this proves useful to someone, sometime.

Paul