the dude
01-05-06, 04:11
I posted here a while ago about a whole laundry list of issues (with panic, anxiety, and a bit of a phobia). And afterwards I started to feel better, got counseling at school (from a counselor who once had panic attacks and has dealt with anxiety)...And I started to feel like I was able to overcome this no problem.
And then I started to get the same damn feelings again...the anxiety related depression is crappy, but something I felt I could deal with my saying "no, lets try not to go down the route of negativity and be productive/think positively/go for a walk/go hang out with friends, etc).
I went to a show one night (about an hour and a half from home...and was worried on the car ride about being so far from my "safe place"...got there, felt fine, then I had a panic attack - good thing I had a friend there who came outside with me (and I didn’t mention is as having an attack to him) and just talked to and hung out with)...but anyway, I noticed "hey I got over it, even though it lasted for a bit" so after that I started to feel a bit better again.
I was still iffy about going out sometimes, but I’d go anyway.
I went to another show (closer to home, about 25 minutes away) and (good thing it wasn’t packed shoulder to shoulder with people) I felt fine! Had a ball!!! A bit of dizziness, but I got over it and just had a great time.
Anyway, I started to feel like I could deal with the panic attacks/the anxiety...But the damn fear of losing my mind seemed to linger. My counselor told me to reassure myself that "just because you think it, doesn’t mean it'll happen...and trust me, you're far from losing your mind, if you were you wouldn’t care, & wouldn’t be here” or something of the sort. This helped, but every now and then the thought lingered. I'm even ashamed to share this part because well, it’s embarrassing.
On some occasions I found myself questioning "whether this is really happening"...like, one night I was walking to a friends house and I saw some old mean standing on the sidewalk, he then approached me and gave me this story about how the bus dropped him off WAY OFF from where he wanted to go and if I knew the night time bus schedule...I called a friend and couldn’t helped the man, but he seemed to appreciate the effort. Anyway I said "what if that didn’t even happen, what if he wasn’t real” And this awful thought process continued on some occasions with meeting new people and such things. Its not as bad as it WAS...but I HATE thinking like this. I feel like this thought process itself is a form of insanity or something and it scares me...in turn, feeding the anxiety.
I used to be able to have these in depth conversations about "reality" with friends, but now just the thought of it freaks me out. I'm just so tired of it...the other day I nearly posted a topic with tears in my eyes from being overwhelmed with this terrible thought process but I said "screw it" and went out to do something.
Another thing I sometimes think about which scares me... (Usually if I’m in a smaller room) is "what if gravity just switches and the wall becomes the floor, what if everything just flips upside down?" This is really stupid, I know (maybe it's because ii'm kinda freaked out about getting really dizzy). But it actually got me to feel dizzy and it’s just so annoying to have these thoughts that must be manifestations of the anxiety. Like it (the anxiety) has to have something to focus on, when I try NOT to focus it on anything and be positive.
My point is...it just makes me so furious to know that I can deal with the anxiety/panic...and then that the fear has to poke its head out. It’s like taking two steps forward and three steps back.
so anyway, sorry... just had to vent. heh
And then I started to get the same damn feelings again...the anxiety related depression is crappy, but something I felt I could deal with my saying "no, lets try not to go down the route of negativity and be productive/think positively/go for a walk/go hang out with friends, etc).
I went to a show one night (about an hour and a half from home...and was worried on the car ride about being so far from my "safe place"...got there, felt fine, then I had a panic attack - good thing I had a friend there who came outside with me (and I didn’t mention is as having an attack to him) and just talked to and hung out with)...but anyway, I noticed "hey I got over it, even though it lasted for a bit" so after that I started to feel a bit better again.
I was still iffy about going out sometimes, but I’d go anyway.
I went to another show (closer to home, about 25 minutes away) and (good thing it wasn’t packed shoulder to shoulder with people) I felt fine! Had a ball!!! A bit of dizziness, but I got over it and just had a great time.
Anyway, I started to feel like I could deal with the panic attacks/the anxiety...But the damn fear of losing my mind seemed to linger. My counselor told me to reassure myself that "just because you think it, doesn’t mean it'll happen...and trust me, you're far from losing your mind, if you were you wouldn’t care, & wouldn’t be here” or something of the sort. This helped, but every now and then the thought lingered. I'm even ashamed to share this part because well, it’s embarrassing.
On some occasions I found myself questioning "whether this is really happening"...like, one night I was walking to a friends house and I saw some old mean standing on the sidewalk, he then approached me and gave me this story about how the bus dropped him off WAY OFF from where he wanted to go and if I knew the night time bus schedule...I called a friend and couldn’t helped the man, but he seemed to appreciate the effort. Anyway I said "what if that didn’t even happen, what if he wasn’t real” And this awful thought process continued on some occasions with meeting new people and such things. Its not as bad as it WAS...but I HATE thinking like this. I feel like this thought process itself is a form of insanity or something and it scares me...in turn, feeding the anxiety.
I used to be able to have these in depth conversations about "reality" with friends, but now just the thought of it freaks me out. I'm just so tired of it...the other day I nearly posted a topic with tears in my eyes from being overwhelmed with this terrible thought process but I said "screw it" and went out to do something.
Another thing I sometimes think about which scares me... (Usually if I’m in a smaller room) is "what if gravity just switches and the wall becomes the floor, what if everything just flips upside down?" This is really stupid, I know (maybe it's because ii'm kinda freaked out about getting really dizzy). But it actually got me to feel dizzy and it’s just so annoying to have these thoughts that must be manifestations of the anxiety. Like it (the anxiety) has to have something to focus on, when I try NOT to focus it on anything and be positive.
My point is...it just makes me so furious to know that I can deal with the anxiety/panic...and then that the fear has to poke its head out. It’s like taking two steps forward and three steps back.
so anyway, sorry... just had to vent. heh