Coni
02-05-06, 08:22
Hi everyone,
I just wondered if anyone else finds that the tiniest things can really floor them. Things which other people would shrug off and definitely wouldnt lose any sleep over.
I feel as if I'm an emotional wreck. Work has been rotten since I started this job about 18 months ago. Since returning after a long abscence (Ive been back 6 months) things are really getting to me again and Ive ended up back on antidepressants, something I vowed I would never allow myself to do again. I swore that I would never let myself get into such a state again and here I am, going back down that same road.
Things really came to a head last week.....I had such a rotten week. I could feel my mood swinging from being really tense and irritable to just feeling I wanted to disappear. My marraige isnt great just now....I think my husbands sick of me being like this. I'm trying not to let people see how I feel and pretend everythings ok cos I know evryone must be fed up with it. I dont want to worry the kids.
I really dont want my colleagues to know I'm not coping. But once again I fell apart spectacularly at work. One of my 'colleagues' from another discipline, questioned something I'd done, which is fair enough. But the way she spoke to me, like I was dirt on the sole of her shoe, made me feel I was completely stupid. I felt so humiliated. She did it over the telephone, when my office was full of people, who I'm sure from my side of the conversation knew just what was happening. I'm also sure her office was full so they all heard too. I was so taken aback by the way she spoke to me that I couldnt respond, my brain just went into white out and all I could do was mutter acknowledgment. As if that wasnt bad enough, when the call finally ended someone asked if I was ok and then I completely humiliated myself by starting to cry, the more I tried not to the less control I had and I just felt as if I would never stop crying ( I can feel the shame just typing this). And thats how I've been ever since. The slightest thing and I'm in floods of tears....sometimes even just talking to someone. I got home from work that day and my 14 year old asked if I had been crying and I started again. he was comforting me....he shouldnt have to do that. And it wasnt just silent tears it was great big racking sobs like something awful had happened.
Anyway I have managed to keep going to work ( though the urge to just walk out is overwhelming) and today I've got to see this person cos we have to work on something together. I dont know how I'm going to handle it...I'm so scared of my own reaction. If shes nasty I dont want to cry like a big baby in front of her. God I feel like a child. l try so hard at my job, at everything and its still not enough...I'm not enough. There are times when I could just walk away from it all, from my life and never look back. I feel like I'm juggling all these balls trying to keep them all in the air and they are all about to come crashing down on me.
I dont know what to do now....I want the crying to stop, its so painful. I just want the numbness that I hope the tablets will eventually bring, even though I know thats not the answer either. I cant go off sick cos I might never go back. Or worse occ health might say I'm not up to the job ( which I couldnt bear, even though I hate it, I cant let myself fail).
Sorry its a bit long but I just needed to get things out if you know what I mean. To see if it helps. And now I've got to go to work...wish me luck (and strength).
Coni X
I just wondered if anyone else finds that the tiniest things can really floor them. Things which other people would shrug off and definitely wouldnt lose any sleep over.
I feel as if I'm an emotional wreck. Work has been rotten since I started this job about 18 months ago. Since returning after a long abscence (Ive been back 6 months) things are really getting to me again and Ive ended up back on antidepressants, something I vowed I would never allow myself to do again. I swore that I would never let myself get into such a state again and here I am, going back down that same road.
Things really came to a head last week.....I had such a rotten week. I could feel my mood swinging from being really tense and irritable to just feeling I wanted to disappear. My marraige isnt great just now....I think my husbands sick of me being like this. I'm trying not to let people see how I feel and pretend everythings ok cos I know evryone must be fed up with it. I dont want to worry the kids.
I really dont want my colleagues to know I'm not coping. But once again I fell apart spectacularly at work. One of my 'colleagues' from another discipline, questioned something I'd done, which is fair enough. But the way she spoke to me, like I was dirt on the sole of her shoe, made me feel I was completely stupid. I felt so humiliated. She did it over the telephone, when my office was full of people, who I'm sure from my side of the conversation knew just what was happening. I'm also sure her office was full so they all heard too. I was so taken aback by the way she spoke to me that I couldnt respond, my brain just went into white out and all I could do was mutter acknowledgment. As if that wasnt bad enough, when the call finally ended someone asked if I was ok and then I completely humiliated myself by starting to cry, the more I tried not to the less control I had and I just felt as if I would never stop crying ( I can feel the shame just typing this). And thats how I've been ever since. The slightest thing and I'm in floods of tears....sometimes even just talking to someone. I got home from work that day and my 14 year old asked if I had been crying and I started again. he was comforting me....he shouldnt have to do that. And it wasnt just silent tears it was great big racking sobs like something awful had happened.
Anyway I have managed to keep going to work ( though the urge to just walk out is overwhelming) and today I've got to see this person cos we have to work on something together. I dont know how I'm going to handle it...I'm so scared of my own reaction. If shes nasty I dont want to cry like a big baby in front of her. God I feel like a child. l try so hard at my job, at everything and its still not enough...I'm not enough. There are times when I could just walk away from it all, from my life and never look back. I feel like I'm juggling all these balls trying to keep them all in the air and they are all about to come crashing down on me.
I dont know what to do now....I want the crying to stop, its so painful. I just want the numbness that I hope the tablets will eventually bring, even though I know thats not the answer either. I cant go off sick cos I might never go back. Or worse occ health might say I'm not up to the job ( which I couldnt bear, even though I hate it, I cant let myself fail).
Sorry its a bit long but I just needed to get things out if you know what I mean. To see if it helps. And now I've got to go to work...wish me luck (and strength).
Coni X