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Coni
02-05-06, 08:22
Hi everyone,

I just wondered if anyone else finds that the tiniest things can really floor them. Things which other people would shrug off and definitely wouldnt lose any sleep over.

I feel as if I'm an emotional wreck. Work has been rotten since I started this job about 18 months ago. Since returning after a long abscence (Ive been back 6 months) things are really getting to me again and Ive ended up back on antidepressants, something I vowed I would never allow myself to do again. I swore that I would never let myself get into such a state again and here I am, going back down that same road.

Things really came to a head last week.....I had such a rotten week. I could feel my mood swinging from being really tense and irritable to just feeling I wanted to disappear. My marraige isnt great just now....I think my husbands sick of me being like this. I'm trying not to let people see how I feel and pretend everythings ok cos I know evryone must be fed up with it. I dont want to worry the kids.

I really dont want my colleagues to know I'm not coping. But once again I fell apart spectacularly at work. One of my 'colleagues' from another discipline, questioned something I'd done, which is fair enough. But the way she spoke to me, like I was dirt on the sole of her shoe, made me feel I was completely stupid. I felt so humiliated. She did it over the telephone, when my office was full of people, who I'm sure from my side of the conversation knew just what was happening. I'm also sure her office was full so they all heard too. I was so taken aback by the way she spoke to me that I couldnt respond, my brain just went into white out and all I could do was mutter acknowledgment. As if that wasnt bad enough, when the call finally ended someone asked if I was ok and then I completely humiliated myself by starting to cry, the more I tried not to the less control I had and I just felt as if I would never stop crying ( I can feel the shame just typing this). And thats how I've been ever since. The slightest thing and I'm in floods of tears....sometimes even just talking to someone. I got home from work that day and my 14 year old asked if I had been crying and I started again. he was comforting me....he shouldnt have to do that. And it wasnt just silent tears it was great big racking sobs like something awful had happened.

Anyway I have managed to keep going to work ( though the urge to just walk out is overwhelming) and today I've got to see this person cos we have to work on something together. I dont know how I'm going to handle it...I'm so scared of my own reaction. If shes nasty I dont want to cry like a big baby in front of her. God I feel like a child. l try so hard at my job, at everything and its still not enough...I'm not enough. There are times when I could just walk away from it all, from my life and never look back. I feel like I'm juggling all these balls trying to keep them all in the air and they are all about to come crashing down on me.

I dont know what to do now....I want the crying to stop, its so painful. I just want the numbness that I hope the tablets will eventually bring, even though I know thats not the answer either. I cant go off sick cos I might never go back. Or worse occ health might say I'm not up to the job ( which I couldnt bear, even though I hate it, I cant let myself fail).

Sorry its a bit long but I just needed to get things out if you know what I mean. To see if it helps. And now I've got to go to work...wish me luck (and strength).

Coni X

ashley
02-05-06, 08:58
AAr coni ..bless your litle heart.
Dont you ever ever feel ashamed of yourself.. you have no reason atall, you dont choose to feel that way do you, so dont you dare put yourself down like that babe.
Thing is though coni i know exactley how you feel, that feeling of utter dispair , where you just cant take it anymore, and the fight becomes to much and your weak, and tired and you keep trying and yet you dont feel that you are geting any where.. oh my heart goes out to you totally as i know how bad you feel.
You try to put on an act because you feel sure that people are sick of it by now.. do you feel that you cant turn anywhere.. i did too.
My world fell apart coni and a month ago i started making slight progress.. i still have bad days and quite alot but i am slowly getting there, what i want you to know is that you will too coni , trust me you will.
Listen the first and most important thing is to care about youself and to stop worrying what anyone else thinks, even ya husband .. he will be fine, and if he loves you as i am sure he does.. he will understand and be there to surport you no matter what hun.
Your job go on girl you can do it, carry on try and hold ya head high love, i bet your a very good employee.. and let me also add that if it does get too much for you.. please dont feel ashamed to say this is too much and take some time out coni.. its all about you.
Medication coni, how long have you been taking this ..?? and again love,, if these are going to help you , then so be it.. i felt the same way about them as you do,, but so what if they are going to help.
You are a lovley person coni, and i know you can get through this ,, with a little help from us guys.

Ashley xxx

marie ross
02-05-06, 09:27
Coni, don't give up you sound like a very brave lady. As for that other women who made you feel stupid, don't let her get to you, i've got a boss like that who talks to me like rubbish, but in the end he's nothing but a bully and you are the better/nicer person in the end. Hope today goes ok for you.
I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon.
Marie X

Keitharcher
02-05-06, 19:54
Coni

This person you are conected to at work sounds like a first rate bitch that needs taking down a peg or two. i suggest that when you meet her you are businelike and aloof, put her on the back foot. Whatever you do dont feel inferior, you arent. I usually find that these people are best treated by bringing them down, not in a nasty way but in a way that is finsal and shows them you are top dog. Please dont let her attitude get to you, it also sounds to me like someone has given her a rollockin and she is taking out on the people around her, poor woman shes just a prat

Keith

Coni
03-05-06, 12:19
thanks guys for your replies. I know I shouldnt let people get to me so much and I get really angry with myself for allowing myself to get so upset......to see me at the time youd have thought something awful had happened....I dont know why I overeact like this.

Anyway i had to see this person yesterday and it was ok.....she was fairly civil and I managed to get through the day without crying.

Keith you are right she is a bitch (unfortunately I work with quite q few like her) and I really wish I could take her down a peg but I'm totally gutless when it comes to retaliation. I have conversations in my head with my retorts ready but in reality I cant do it. I hate the thought of deliberatley hurting someone even though they dont think twice about what they say to me!!! ( and I'm a bit slow when it comes to quick remarks....its usually 2 hours later before I think of a cutting reply lol!)

Its my day off today so I'm trying not to think about work, and trying to relax instead. I've slept better the last couple of nights so maybe the medication is starting to take effect....hopefully the tears will stop soon.

Take care everyone

Coni X

Yvonne
04-05-06, 16:48
Dear Coni

I read your first post and could completely relate to it. Could it be the side effects of your medication causing your low mood at the moment? You didn't say how long you had been on them.

I'm glad that you managed to cope during your meeting with your colleague who had been nasty on the phone. The trouble is with us types is, as you said, we really don't like to hurt people's feelings and go out of our way not to do so. Other people seem not to worry about hurting people's feeling at all. It's the sensitive people like us that tend to suffer with anxiety and depression I think.

I think you're really brave to continue going to work even when you have felt dreadful the day before. I can tell that you're a survivor.

You're fragile at the moment and it may take you a little while to get strong again, but you're coping very well and I'm sure when the med kicks in properly you will feel better.

Take care
yVONNE

Y Goble

Coni
04-05-06, 18:15
Hi Yvonne,

Thank you for your reply. I've been on the meds almost 2 weeks now and I've certainly stopped feeling sick but I never thought of them causing low mood.

I dont feel brave at all for keeping going....every day I have to fight the urge to just walk away....today was another awful day, I just feel very tired and very low. But if I want another job (my only way out of there) then I have to keep going,as I already have 7 months sick time from last year when I first became depressed.

I'm trying really hard to just focus on one day at a time and try not to think too far ahead, but Ive got to say its really difficult.

Anyway I dont want to waffle on again.

Thanks again

Coni X