View Full Version : Recovery Road to conquer Anxiety - My Journal
Hi All,
My name is Lisa. I am on the road to recovery for anxiety that has taken a hold of my life - once again. I am going to start this thread to express what I will be going through as I progress on my path to recovery, whether that be on the medication, what's been going on with my life because of this, etcetera. I was inspired by a couple others posting progress and felt this may be constructive method for me, too. I hope anyone who may read this will also find this of help, comfort to them and encouragement. I'm grateful to have such a site as this just to know it's "ok" to have this type of thread.
I aim to post daily, but since it's the beginning of my recovery I could be posting more than once a day as a way to "express" when I can't express to anyone near me. And, of course, if (or shall I say when) I'm having a good day I may have to wait a day or two to relay my small victory.
Brief Background: I had anxiety/depression for many years but about 10 years ago it became so dibilitating. I was in therapy and then on medication (Paxil at first, then switched to Citolapram). In 2006 I stopped therapy - mututal agreement because after 4 years we felt I had the tools to use - of course i could go back if needed. But I didn't seem to need (or if I did, I didn't feel aware I did) Then in late 2010, I felt I was well enough to be off the medication or at least try. Tapered reduction (and highly recommend that route - no cold turkey)
A week ago I had a major panic attack. The anxiety was probably creeping back in, and if I am honest with myself I probably saw the signs but felt I could control. Not so. I am starting this thread with Day 10 on my journey as really the last several days I don't think I was in a state of mind to consider such a thing possible as this journal. I was just too anxious to relax. I was a posting machine on all sorts of things on this site, though.
Today: Day 10
Medication:
-10 mg of Cit, starting tonight (previous days I was on 5 mg)
-0.5mg xanax 3xday. Morning, afternoon and right before bed - will taper as Cit kicks in but not quickly and at least very small tapers each week.
-5 or 10 mg Ambien for sleeping, as needed (but has been needed so far)
How I'm doing today:
Very tired when i first woke up - 5 AM. Deep breathing (i'm no expert yet) but was able to do this so I slept an hour then more breathing, then an hour for rest. Finally up out of bed around 8 am. Anxious, but not as bad as a week ago. If last Sunday was a 10 (worst on scale to 10) and through the whole morning/afternoon; this Sunday was 6 at the start and now fluctuates to 7 and maybe as I write this a 6 scale.
Diet: I have minimal appetite but I do force to eat. I've taken to drinking these vitamin B rich smoothies for breakfast, cereal bar/toast, that sort of thing. I checked the "natural' section on this site and the smoothie contains a good number of the B's that are good diet for anxiety. Evening I have apetite for more.
Excercise: I did a 25 minute stretch tape so far today. Won't lie, as it is hard to concetrate and do the moves in an anxious state, but since it's not a lot of "balance" stuff I press on. Also, it's in my bedroom so I say to myself "if you can't do it, just go lie down". I get through it, though! I will also go for walk after I finish this note and maybe some others. Also not exercise really, I want to run some errands - that will be a step.
Evenings are my best time so far. I really am calm, I can read a book, watch/engage in TV shows, even ordered a new purse from QVC (a shopping channel). I can converse with my friends in person and on the phone. I am interested in the conversations without this underlying dread/anxiety feeling, find myself laughing at times. It has been a good thing and somewhat of a relief if only for a few hours. I pray each night that this feeling will continue until the next day. It really hasn't to that extent, but as I said I'm less anxious then a week ago. And I'm positive time and patience will make this so. don't be fooled - staying positive also takes energy.
Next big hurdle for me is going to work tomorrow. My boss knows what's going on - and he seems supportive. I'm not dwelling on this right now, I know later today this will start up and let's just let that be for now.
Well that's is for now. Might be posting for multiple times a day today, but well that is all part of my journey and this journal, I suppose.
All the best to everyone!
Lisa:)
Ok, so day 10 continues. I went for a walk around the complex - a 25 minute walk I guess. Normally people would be out and about, but we are in a heat wave here and no interactions. Small ones would have been good. Practice having "normal" conversations and not focusing on my own thoughts.
I came back and was hungry - but once I start to eat I really have a hard time finishing. I do, because it is a must.
I took my Xanax and it really made me tired. This was a first for during the day. Nap is always good, but is this a trend? One time does not make a trend, but.... It's a low dose. I napped for 45 minutes and didn't realize until I woke up that I did this. I should be glad for that as I have't been able to nap for awhile. I used to be really good at it! It did cause me some concern as I will be at work tomorrow and if I take this same dosage at around this time per schedule - what will happen?
Friend came by with her most lovely black lab that I adore asking me to go on an a hike to a waterhole so the lab can have some exercise and cool off. I was very reluctant (inside) but agreed. I did have a good time for the most part. When out though, I had some thoughts about how I would do this all the time with them and not have a concern/anxiety in the world. I would just enjoy the walk and want it to continue! This time I did enjoy it, but there was this underlying pit in the stomach that would make itself known. That was sad to me. I want to enjoy the things I normally would without having to also exert energy to fight off the anxiety.
Well that's where I am at now. I know I'll have another post tonight for sure.
All the best!
Evening is always my best so far. I really feel like myself again. Each night I cross my fingers and pray it continues through to tomorrow. And now I write it in this post.
Back to work - after my panic attack. What a week makes. Last Sunday I had to send a note to my boss that I could not possibly come to work for a few days (ended up being the whole week). In fact, I was seriously thinking I would need to take more than the week!
Well, work tomorrow. We will see how it goes. I'm scared. The evening is my good time I always have positive thoughts that tomorrow morning/day will be the same. Hope it is.
Night all.
Day 11 - Morning
Back at work right now. Maybe for 10 minutes. I'm anxious and am doing breathing exercises. Work at a large corp, so most people are going about their business with no notice of me. My boss and co-worker aren't at their desk right now. When that happens will see how it goes.
I'm trying to focus on emails that I can do relatively easily, but the morning is not my best. As I said yesterday the evenings by far at this point have been the most calm and relaxing and my positive thoughts are good.
Now it's just a bit seem out of sorts and hoping the calmness starts to take over soon. pLus the bathroom is so far from my desk. I feel I need to go - even though I just went. Sign of anxiety.
Pressing on.
Day 11 - Early Afternoon
Made it so far for 3 hours. Seems like an eternity. I did eat lunch - which was more than I would eat at home. The cafeteria makes it eaiser to pick up things and then you just nibble.
Told my close work friend what happened last week. I felt I needed someone who I trust and keep an eye on me. He was very understanding, which I new he would be. Almost felt he may have guessed. But he did say he didn't think I seemed any different. Maybe, maybe not. He's always so very understanding - he would never want to offend.
Also saw another friend - not as close - in the cafeteria. After some talking she asked if something was wrong "you don't look well. Is it your stomach or head?" I think she meant headache - english not first language. But in any case, I cringed and started to get a flush of heat - anxiety. I just said, really I don't feel well and I'd rather not talk about it right now. That left a lingering anxious feeling.
I'm supposed to take two xanax soon - per the schedule. Yesterday they made me very sleepy as I took nap. Can't do that at work - so could procrastinate on that.
Tired of managing my anxiety.
Pressing on.
Lisa
Day 11 - Night time
did it! yes, i survived the first day back. And as usual, I am in a much better place at night. This morning was hard as my previous posts elude.
I felt anxious. Partly as that is how I normally feel, but also because I had to go to work. Though, the fact I had to go to work made me focus a bit more. I didn't want to be too late back. I told my boss I wouldn't be in first thing, but really I needed to be there at a reasonable time. I kept telling my self this isn't the worst thing you ever had to do - I conjured up old first day on jobs where I didn't know anyone. These people know me and most are caring. I knew I would be in a safe environment. And, of course, there's always the nurses station I told myself.
I had to do my stretch tape to calm down. I made sure I ate too as I have a 25 minute drive to work and I didn't want to not be alert.
In the end, I did it. I survived and I got some things done. My boss acted normal towards me so that was a relief. Once you tell people you have panic attacks and so forth, sometimes they treat you differently. Not badly, but differently. Makes you feel bad about yourself.
Anyway, I really like how I feel at night and right now. It makes me so optimistic of tomorrow. But quickly I remember once I turn off the light on this day, I start to be anxious about tomorrow's ordeal. Hold on - Still have an hour or so before I have to do that.
I've been able to read a bit at night and that's refreshing to actually read and comprehend and almost lose myself in the book.
I know tomorrow will be better then today. Practice, right!
Good night, all.
Day 12 - Morning
I woke up today a bit less anxious than I had in the last few so I felt positive. I still struggled with knowing I had to come to work. One thing about that though is you have to focus on it because you need to get your self there. I got in about 15 minutes sooner than yesterday, so I chalk that up to my anxiety being a little less and me more focused.
I am a bit anxious now, again less than yesterday. I seem a bit tired too. Last night was the second night in a row I was on the 10mg of Citalopram - not sure if related.
One of my observations I have been having is when I find I get distractected (good thing) and then I realize I just distracted myself, I get a pang. Like, how dare I not focus all my attention on this anxiety. Anxiety is such a pest.
I will now get to work and do my best to be in the moment.
Positive thoughts to all!
Day 12 - Afternoon
I'm have a very good day so far - probably since about 11 am. I have bit more appetite. Cafeteria had a "Thanksgiving" option meal. I love that holiday. The food was pretty good - not of course the same as a home holiday cooked meal, but it was good so I made sure I ate enough. You never know when the appetitie is going to leave you. I can concentrate better today and am getting things done. I still get a weird "anxious" knot but work distraction has helped to keep it down.
One thing I noticed is that I don't really feel "here". I mean I'm not disassociative or anything, but it just doesn't seem myself. Not really a bad feeling just not right. Like I'm too aware of my surroundings.
Anyway, afternoon is going good and I'll be happy with this.
Positive thoughts!
Day 12 - Evening/Night
Today was the best day for me so far. I woke up less anxious, I was calmer sooner at work and I'm calm right now too. I know I still have a ways to go. Tomorrow I have my first therapy session - just after work. I hope I get along with this therapist and it's start of good things on getting my life on track. I don't like this feeling that I'm on hold because I have to manage my anxiety or wonder when it will rear it's ugly head. I want to not be afraid when it comes because I know I'll have the tools to get through it.
All in all, a good day. I hope the trend continues.
Night,
Lisa
Day 13 - Morning
I was not as calm as yesterday when I woke up. Not bad, but not the same as yesterday where whe I woke up I felt the difference. Also, at first I could not get my stretch tape to work. But then realized the drive was not properly fitted in the laptop. I was like "Dear God, don't let the dvd be ruined". But although concerned at first I immediately started thinking - I can do this with out the tape. I know the moves, etc. Or I can go for a walk. It's just I don't have relaxing music - need to get some. It was a momentary ugh in my morning.
The 25 minute drive to work was also a pain - too many red lights.
This all is just my anxious mind telling me something is not right, when everything is right.
Focus on the positive!
Day 13 - Afternoon
Good day - not has great as yesterday, but still think I'm moving forward. I'm on my way to my first therapy session. Optimistic on this and how my life is improving.
Stomach didn't feel that great today but it could have just been what I ate and nothing else.
Later....
Day 13 - Evening/Night
so today made it through fairly good. I was more anxious this morning then yesterday, but not as bad as many other days. Improvement, right!
I've been keeping my self on a schedule this week - like I'm a senior citizen (I say this in jest :) so no offense). I make sure I take my meds at same time, I get up same time, go to sleep at same time, I eat at same time, etc. I hope all this routine gets my body used to things faster. It is a pain, because if something pops up you have to make a choice to either stick to the plan or not. Right now, I'm not messing with the plan!
I went to my first therapy session today. It was more of a get to know each other, what's my background type thing. She seemed nice and had some basic anxiety tips (meditation, breathing, books, etc.) but we did talk about as we progress together we will get to the points of what is really causing my anxiety and how to address them and develop tools to minimize the impacts when they arise. We will see - positive about this - but next appt isn't for two weeks due to her and my schedule (i'm going on vacation - which is somewhat causing anxiety but not adressing that for another day or two)
My neighbor stopped by and said I really looked "healthy". So that was a plus. He doesn't really know what to say about what's going on with me, but he cares and I appreciate it. I said the other day, I was hungry which was unusual for me as I had lack of appetite. He went away for a bit and came back with grilled chicken on fresh lettuce and other vegetables from his garden. It was so thoughtful.
I'm glad I have support of friends as my family live in another state. Family supports but sometimes you need people physically there.
It's a good night and I hope it continues into tomorrow.
Night all!
Day 14 - Mid Morning
Well, it's been two weeks since the major panic attack. I think this time two weeks ago it was just afterwards and I was sitting at my desk in shock. But look now, I'm at work, actually working, getting distracted, making jokes, and feeling more like myself. Two weeks ago, I felt that was the end. I was done for and this is my life and how will I ever cope. Well, somehow my true self believed that was not an option! It was a tough time and I do still have tough times - but nothing like that day or the several days that followed. But I survived and am getting better.
I'm not totally anxious free today, and my mornings are a chore. I've been shaking my leg constantly this morning but perhaps that's just built up energy - I don't feel any more/less anxious than normal at this time.
We have a luncheon for my former boss today. Let's see how being around the whole team listening to talk and such goes. I know when I'm really anxious sometimes listening to others makes me angry. What goes through my head is like "Can't you tell what I'm going through and you go on with your drivel". I know that's totally unfair and not healthy, because I know when I'm at my best I probable have a lot of drivel to say too :). But I'm in a good place at this moment so I am going to choose to enjoy the lunch - I even have somewhat of an appetitie.
Day 14 - Evening
Not much to add since mid-morning. The luncheon went fine. Although I thought I had an appetite, I really didn't. Oh la.
I don't know why I feel a little down. I'm not too anxious (night's are always calm for me as I said many times) and nothing is really go on. Perhaps that's it. I've been so consumed with my own issues and analyzing how I was doing, reacting to things, making modifications to my behavior all in an effort to feel "great". Well, I don't feel that "great" but I do feel calm. I guess I'm beating my self up. Really life is boring sometimes! I guess I should be glad about that.
Tomorrow's last day of work then on vacation for two weeks. I'll be stressing over that soon - the anticipation, packing, dealing with early morning flight, time changes. I am wondering how to course correct "my plan/routine". People without anxiety would just say "go with the flow". I am not one of those people - certainly not yet.
G'night.
Day 15 - Early evening
Well I did it. I made it through a week of work. It was a long week. Mornings were tough and then managed fairly well during the work day. I guess distraction does work - plus the medication I'm taking seems to be working - basically two weeks into it.
I'm still a bit down. It started last night. I am not supposed to increase to 20 mg of cit until another 8 days per the dr's instructions. Not sure if that has anything to do with me being down. He's away on vacation and perhaps wanted to keep a slow intro to 20mg since my reaction right on 10 mg was bad. Maybe it's just I'm down. That can happen - people don't always have to be happy.
One good thing - I had cravings for chips! I eat these "popped" chips. Apparently more healthy than fried (what isn't?) and baked. The BBQ are really good and I could probably eat the whole bag if I don't watch. I do believe what you eat also helps with your recovery so I'm going to put the bag away now.
I'm a bit tired. Now the work week and the stress of "managing" is over for a day or two, it's almost anti-climatic. I still have to manage, but I just can't explain it. It's just an alone feeling right now.
paula lynne
29-07-11, 23:48
Well done on making it through work and Im very happy for you now that your appetite has returned. Keep going, and thanks for your continued story and updates, very helpful to others going through it too. Paula x:)
paula lynne
29-07-11, 23:51
Im sorry, Ive just realised only you post on this thread! Its your journal. so sorry! :doh:
nomorepanic
30-07-11, 00:21
Paula - I am sure any feedback would be much appreciated.
I may look into getting blogs on here as well for people to do such posts.
Paula and all,
I'm so happy for your comments. I welcome any posts, questions, comments! You just happen to be the first one to do so. The first week of my anxiety resurfacing I was very active in reading and sometimes replying to people's posts/questions. I just thought this method of thread would allow me to be less random. I felt documenting in one single thread would be good for me and if it helps others too, all the better.
Glad for your support!
Lisa
Day 16 - Afternoon
Well, I tried to modify "my routine". I don't know why and it wasn't successful. Since I survived the week at work - and I should point out it wasn't just survival as I did have moments of feeling myself, laughing, getting pissed off at people - you know the usual work things - without anxiety.
Anyway, since it was the weekend, I always liked the idea of not waking to the alarm clock and just laying in bed until I feel like getting up. Well, I've been taking ambien 5 or 10 mg depending each night to help me sleep - my recovery plan with doctor. Well, I thought since I could just get up anytime today, I thought let's try falling asleep last night without ambien - I did feel tired. But it didn't work out so well. I tossed and turned from 11 pm to 3 pm and started getting more anxious. I probably got an hour or so of sleep and then I said enough of this. Let's take an ambien 5mg. I can sleep until 10 AM if need be - which I did. Well I probably woke up around 8 am and then do what I normally do and make sure it's out of my system by doing breathing exercises and seeing if I can get a bit more rest in. Which I did.
I should not have messed with the plan. I know finding out if I can fall asleep on my own is something I will need to do - can't be on ambien that long. But this weekend was probably not the time to do it. I'm only so new into my recovery and I have a vacation trip coming up and I know I'm a bit stressed over it. I didn't talk it over with the doctor, so what was I thinking!!!!
Well I got myself back on track now with my plan (exercise, eating, taking meds when supposed to).
I have to start packing for my trip. I've always hated packing, but I need to work it in when my "daily plan schedule" allows for such things. I'm harping on my plan. Sorry.
I was so worried about work this past week and getting myself there. However, when there is this outside force that "makes" you do what you need to do, you do it. Survival mode kicks in. So work was making me do what I did to get to function and find some enjoyment in the day.
Now that I don't have that (i.e.work requirement) for this weekend I find I'm a bit aimless. I have to rely on myself to push forward on doing what is necessary. Making lists right now. small little things I know I can do. Otherwise I might just fall into some sort of depression (i've been feeling down every now an then).
Oh well, come on self let's get going!!!!
paula lynne
31-07-11, 16:26
Just want to say a big WELL DONE on being so pro-active, getting your meds, excercise and eating well sorted is fab and you are helping yourself no end! :)
I myself am packing for our annual camping holiday in a few days.....yes its an exciting time, but always mixed with trepidation. That nasty little chatterbox.."What if I have a panic attack! What if Im sick! What if I cant go out!....." What if What if......oh shut up chatterbox! So I just wanted to say...go for it, Im thinking of you and I hope you enjoy your holiday x Never mind the what ifs...lets say.."So what if!"...best wishes, Paula x:D
Day 17 - Afternoon
Packing! yes, I have been productive today. I feel a bit anxious, but perhaps that's more excitement for the trip. I just want to get on with the travel part of it -I've been thinking too much about it.
On track with meds, have my appetite, no major anxiety. So far so good of a day.
Paula - Enjoy your Camping Holiday! And don't pack that chatterbox - no room for that.
Day 18 - Very very early Morning 4 AM!
It's all good though! I am on my way on vacation. Two weeks ago I thought I would have to cancel my grand vacation. Another NPMer said not to make any hasty decisions. I too that advice and I'm glad I did.
Just saying I actually am excited right now about the trip. could be because I'm tired but I don't have anxiety right now. Great thing! I have to leave in a few minutes but wanted to post someting here to remind mysefl and others - yes it is possible to still function and more than function - to actually live your life!
Well off to my vacation - won't be able to post in a bit, so hope all stay well and stay positive!
:D
Day 31 - Noon
Back from 12 day vacation - it was a good trip and overall really enjoyed being away. It was tough the first few days with the 6 hour time change and still only about 3 weeks into recovery process. A few anxiety moments throughout the vacation but managed through.
Now back to reality. I'm having trouble - very anxious. I know it's also heightened because of time change/travel and being tired. But having to deal with the issues of what's causing my anxiety is making me anxious, depressed and a bit pukey. Also, feel cold but hot at the same time if that's possible - well that's how I describe it. Bit of fuzzy/tingling head feeling - could be meds could be time change issues.
Over the last 12 days my med dosages have changed per plan with doctor so let me recap:
Citolapram: 20 mg around 10 pm for about 7 days now (up from 10mg)
Xanax: 2 in morning and 2 in afternoon (cut out two in evening over the two week vacation and will continue to reduce by 1 each week.
Ambien: 5 mg to help sleep
Durring the changes I felt no new side effects. Plus, the only one I had over the last week seemed to be dry mouth. Having a positive results on controlling my anxiety. I was on vacation so that helped.
Now, here I am today and can't even seem to relax. No real appetite. Really out of sorts with everything. I should get on with my day, press on. But I just want to cry or scream. Just get this out of me. I can't seem to cry though. could this be a side effect - some sort of dulling of that emotion?
Ok I need to go do something - a lot of vacation laundry. but first I need to figure out how to relax. my stretch tape, some breathing. Get my routine back. I can't just sit here at the computer and type in every thought that comes into my head. Although that's what I want to do - just get it out - but at some point that's just not healthy -too self indulgent in letting the anxiety rule my life.
Evenings are generally my best times, so let's look forward to that for now.
Paula Lynne - Hope you enjoyed your annual camping trip!
Day 31 - Evening
Yes, I feel much better tonight. I do hope the blip today was more about jet lag then any major setback. It has been 31 days on citalopram - albeit at low doses and now just a week into 20 mg, but I was a bit conerned. I know it's at least 4-6 weeks before improvement may be seen and usually it's seen by your friends/others before you see it - as tend to be harder on ourselves. I also hope to just be able to stay at the 20 mg dosage. I will go up if need be, but last time I was on this I was able to just be on 20 mg for the last few years - hope that remains the same.
And just a note, I mentioned having dry mouth side effect. But I also notice I'm clenching my teeth more. I always clenched my teeth so I am always aware to unclench and try to relax my jaw. So, it's not necessarily a side effect but I find I'm doing it more than usual.
I have my second therapy session tomorrow. This should really be the start of the process as the first session was only a meet/greet type thing. I've been in therapy before for 4 years (and about 6 years ago). I know it helps tremendously but of course you have to first establish the trust with the person and get to work out how to work together. I have positive feelings this person I selected will work out.
I then see my pysch doc on Friday for a review of medication.
In the end, today was productive. I had to "make" myself do things at first, but then I got into a rhythm. I was able to get all of vacation laundry done and some other stuff. I wasn't "anxious free" but I wasn't letting it consume me. It's been raining non-stop all day so that was a bit of a struggle. When it's nice out I can just pop out to visit with neighbors. I felt a bit shut in today but that's what the phone is for and talked with friends and sisters.
I hope to get to sleep tonight so I'm fresh for going back to work tomorrow. I didn't even check emails to see what's waiting for me and I'm certainly not going to do it right before bed!
Good night all.
Day 31- Evening update
I just looked back at my med records and I was on 40 mg of Citalopram. I confused myself as I know I went to 20 mg when I started a slow withdrawal from them. Now I remember. I was on Paxil first for a year os so at 20 mg, but when I moved over to Citalopram (paxil was not good for me with side effects) I had to graduate up to 40 mg as that was an equivalent.
Oh well, perhaps I will have to go up to 40 mg again. We will see how it plays out.
Day 32 - 4 AM
It's gong to be a long day! I can't seem to sleep. I took meds at normal scheduled times (10 pm for cit and 11 pm for ambien - ambien is just when I go to bed so no real set time). I maybe slept for 2 hours not sure. Now I've been up since 2 or so. Time change I hope from traveling is causing this. I don't feel anxious at the moment - just tired. I've been doing breathing exercises but that doesn't actually put me to sleep. Have to get going by 7 am for work, so this is going to be a tough day if I can't get another couple hours or so.
Insomnia was/is a big issue for me before the anxiety hit full force, so this is a definite "work on" area for me. The ambien was working well when started and definitely on vacation. it's just been the last two nights not at all.
Other thought is, perhaps I need to take the Cit in the mornings. I will have that as a question for the doc.
Day 32 - Morning
Well I got a bit more sleep after my 4 am post, but when the alarm went off at 7 AM I was not ready to get up for sure! I was tired and a bit anxious. This, I hope is the jet lag as I was feeling really fine on vacation when getting up - that is no anxiety to speak of. I know getting up on vacation days are better than getting up on work days, I do hope it's time difference issues.
I am a bit nervous now as I write this. My appetite is low as my stomach feels off, but am forcing my self to eat breakfast. Going through all the emails I missed while on vacation and so far no "fire drills" to deal with or anyting out of the ordinary that I have to take care of. There were some company changes announced while away. I don't think they will necessarily impact me - just spinning off some businessess that aren't related to my area. But just seems work has all this "drama" going on. All these changes being announced since the beginning of 2010 so 1 1/2 years of constant turmoil / unknown outcomes. It adds to my anxiety as my one anxiety issue is what the heck I want to do with my life, both work and personal. I feel I need to make decisions but don't know why I feel this way. I want to just take it as it comes. Nothing is pushing me to make any major decisions. Well just one, I guess. My new boss wants me to take over a new category. It would be the same job I do now just for a different category. It's good to learn new things and a bit easier when it's a similar job just different business category. But change is always hard and making decisions when I don't know what I want to do with my life causes such anxiety.
I'm getting through the morning though farily well even with this nervous stomach - seems to be my only may sympton right now. I bet later today though I will hit a tired wall due to lack of good sleep last night.
Deep Breaths
Positive thoughts
Eat!
Day 32 - Evening.
Feel better now - no more nausea feeling - started just after 3:30pm, soon after I took my xanax. coincidence, I think not. I hope the Cit starts to kick in full force soon. I know it's only been 20 mg for 8 days so I have a bit of time to invest first and may need to get to 40 mg anyway (my previous dosage).
Therapist session tonight. It went ok. I felt I did all the talking and was on all sorts of tangents. Sometimes I even am hard on myself saying to her "I can't even believe this type of stuff is causing me anxiety". That only makes me feel worse. Of course, she did not agree with my self assessment - which is good (and I guess her role). Anyway, it's all part of the process. You talk about all avenues before you can zero in on the one or two that are the true culprits. Set up weekly appointments.
Need to get sleep tonight - jet lag better be gone. Have 7 AM conference call tomorrow so I need to be coherent. At least I can take it from home so I can ease into the morning management of my anxiety (which I hope I don't have any - but that may be wishful thinking at this point in recovery).
I'm trying to be positive but these negatives thoughts are hanging around.
Day 33
Only had time for this one post today - very busy at work. Or maybe I felt I didn't need to vent or get anything out. Which perhaps is sign of progress. Able to focus more on other things than on my anxiety. One day does not make a trend though. Anyway, Started at 7 am and didn't finish until 6:30 pm. Long day. I slept fairly well last night (with the help of ambien and some xanax) and I really needed to get the sleep and be coherent for today's 7 am call. I hope this means my jet lag is leaving me as well. Tonight will let me know - will I sleep or will I not sleep? That is the question.
I woke up with a bit of nausea. I can't tell if this is anxiety or a side effect. I was wobbly getting out of bed, but once I got going I seemed to be ok. The nausea stuck around for a bit though - maybe until after lunch time. I take the Cit at night so I can't see why I would have nausea from it like 9 hours later. So maybe the nausea is an anxiety symptom.
I made the decision to take the somewhat new role at work. Now, of course, I am second guessing myself. well it's done. I can't go back now. In reality I don't think I'm even that worried over it. But let's see how it goes in a couple weeks. Because of taking this new role, I have another 7 am call tomorrow. ugh!!!
Generally an ok type of day. which is better than the alternative of an anxiety ridden day,right!
G'Night all
Day 34
Yes, one day does not make a trend, did I not say that yesterday. It's ture as I had a rough day today. I didn't sleep well and had another 7 AM meeting. Also started the process of transitioning the work for my new job. Only problem is I haven't transitioned my old one! Plus I have to head off on a business trip already for this new role in a couple of weeks. Another 6 hour time difference - that was upsetting to me as I know I am having trouble now with my vacation time difference.
I was a quite a bit anxious today. Everything seemed just that one extra bit overwhelming to me. and now that I reflect I wonder if I could have done anything different to control that feeling. Nevertheless, I did hold it together so proud of that, but I did feel a bit out of control and felt others could see it. Work is busy and will be busy for a while. I just need to take steps back and focus on what I can do at the moment - you can't do everything at once. Prioritize. I wonder if my boss saw the "panic" in me. I felt everyone could have seen, but what you feel inside may not be how others see you. Although I was a bit short with words and cranky I guess would be the best way to describe it. Saying things like " do we HAVE to do that right now". Oh well.
I need to give my self a break. I just got back from vacation, so jet lag and just the concept having to work and not be care free. Having accepted a new role, busy at work for many reasons, and having to manage anxiety to boot. I am holding on. So good sign. I just may not be as cheerful or accomodating as normal.
I see the psych doc on Friday. Will tell him all of this. I wonder if I need to move up to 30 or 40 mg of Cit.
Trying to stay positive and see positive signs in my progress. But in the end today was not my best day.
Night all.
Day 35
I did not sleep that great last night. Again. I seem to get up around 3 or 4 and then toss and turn until I have to get out of bed. At least today I didn't have to be on a conference call early so i could sleep until 7:30 - or try to. This is something I really need to get fixed soon! I need "good" sleep.
Overall though the day was pretty good. Better than yesterday - but that isn't saying much as yesterday was bad. Let's stay positive though.
I took control and didn't let the anxiety rule me today. At work I made a list of what needed to be done and I did each one. I just kept saying "stay focused". Also, I tried that Bach Rescue Remedy. I put some in 20 ounces of water and sipped on it during the afternoon. I was really calm this afternoon too. Can't say if it was the Bach since it was the first time I used it. We will keep it up and see how it goes/doesn't go with that.
I was real tired by the end of the work day. It seemed like I could go right to sleep. I didn't as that would have made going to sleep tonight difficult. and right now I seem ot have a second wind. I do hope to sleep good though. I fear not being able to sleep through the night and then waking up with anxiety because I'm too tired to control it. I'm so much better at night that I fear the mornings. I hope Cit will start to help with that soon! It's a vicious cycle.
Other than that, I seem to be doing ok with things at the moment.
Day 36
Slept better last night. Close to 5 hours of straight sleep. I did wake up to a bit of anxiety. it's like a pit in my stomach and I just think "ugh my anxiety is still here". I woke up at 5 and then some tossing/turning until 7:15. I hit the snooze alarm and during the 9 minutes I have before alarm goes off again, I made myself do deep breathing. It really helped. I then started my day. Have to say I do have some anxiety throughout the morning as usual. It's just this undercurrent as I go about my day. Like I'm ok but I know it's lurking around the corner.
I went to my psych doctor today. I told him all my things from the last time we talked which was at least a month ago as he was on vacation and then I was too. Anyway, he feels I still have too high of anxiety. this is all based on what has been going on with me. Basically I told him what's been going on: I'm monitoring my "anxiety management" daily. I have a spreadsheet of what meds I take and when. A scale of 1 to 10 of how my day was, symptons and so forth. - yes really too consumed with the anxiety progression. Also, mentioned to him how I'm not sleeping well, fearing sleeping because I know when I wake up I'll have anxiety, having anxiety throughout the morning, trying to be rigid about my schedule of taking meds, sleeping, etc. We talked about other things, but as we talked I could definitely see what he was saying that I may feel "in control" but in reality the anxiety is controlling and limiting my actions.
Result is the following:
Increasing to 40 mg of Citalopram tonight
Take xanax .5mg 3 times a day (what I was doing at the start but I cut back).
Take 10 mg of ambien at night (I was taking 5 mg)
Need to make sure I'm being more social -distraction is good!
I will talk to him in one week on how the above change is going. Also have another face to face meeting in a month.
With xanax and ambien I was so worried about it becoming a crutch/addiction. He has told me before and told me again, that we need this xanax and ambien (which really are low doses) now until the Citalopram starts taking real effect. I saw a bit of improvement from 10 to 20 mg. But he feels it's time to go to 40mg as I'm still having anxiety. Going to 30 mg will not be a significant difference. I'm ok with this as 40 mg is the dose I was on before I came off last year.
So now I need to force myself to become "care free" about taking my meds. I have to stop monitoring in spreadsheet. I don't need to be so regiment on time when taking the meds, just take them in the general time of morning, afternoon and at bedtime (whenever that might be).
He also wanted to make sure I was going to a therapist. Which I am. Only two session in though. He's going to ring her to give her back ground on my situation as he knows it via the med evals we do ( I had to give permission apparently - he couldn't just do it without that). Also wants to ensure that I push therapist to start active steps to teach me how to manage anxiety. As I said, first session was a meet/greet and then second a bit more get to know background on my life and what I feel is causing anxiety - you know talk about all sorts of things. He thinks she needs to be a little more active on giving me techniques right now - even if she doesn't have all the background. And perhaps he is right. I just don't know how that works when you need to get to know the therapist. And perhaps that isn't the therapists style. But they are supposed to adapt to the patients needs.
Also took the Bach Rescue Remedy today with a few drops in water. Sipped in afternoon. I seemed to get a bit tired again - yawning alot. I wonder if this just makes me tired. I was calm too though. I asked doctor about taking it with all these other medications and he didn't see any issue. He wasn't familiar with it but read the ingredients. I think he was skeptical on whether it works. I know I am. But will keep trying it - if all it does is make me tired perhaps it's something to use at night before bed.
Work week is over and I'm going to try to enjoy the weekend. Dinner plans tomorrow with friends. Also would like to get out and do some exercise - take the neighbors dogs for hikes or something.
Good night all.
Day 37,
I slept the best I've slept in awhile last night. I took the 40 mg cit, 10 mg ambien and 0.5mg xanax plus I didn't have to get up for work. I think I had at least 9 hours of straight sleep. I couldn't believe it!
I woke with anxious thoughts, but I pressed on. First did deep breathing, then stretch exercises and another 20 minute power stretch workout. This gets me up and moving and does put the anxious thoughts at bay. The breathing and stretching have really been a good method for me to wake up and start my day. It's almost as if my body and mind expect me to do this before anything else. Good thing I suppose. I then did a bunch of errands. I'm taking the xanax as the doctor said, too. But I really tried to make my mind focus on "living" and doing things and not on managing my anxiety so I could live. Subtle difference but very important.
In afternoon I tried the Bach Rescue Me again with a few drops in 20 ounces of water. I don't know about this. I got real tired by 5 pm or so. Really I don't know if it's the Bach or the medication or the fact that I am tired from a week of really bad sleeping. I won't use it tomorrow and see what my reaction is. Perhaps I won't use it again until I know how I'm reacting to the 40mg of Cit with the other meds. Too many variables. I need to know the 40 mg cit works so i can taper the other meds and just exist on the Cit.
Bought a book my therapist (of only two sessions) spoke about. Daniel G Amen M.D.'s "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life". Supposedly gives techniques to enhance the brain - hence techniques to quell anxiety, depression and so on. Not in the mood tonight to start this book. Maybe I'll read a chapter tomorrow. I generally read for pleasure so making myself read something like this will be a challenge.
Had a great dinner with friends tonight - they took me out for my birthday which was this past week. I had a lot of fun and focused on just being out. I was in a good mood and very talkative.
Going to sleep now. I do have a little anxiety about it. Last night I slept great and I'm encouraged by it, but sleeping well hasn't been the trend.
Take care everyone.
Day 38
Two days into 40 mg. Will be taking it soon tonight for the third evening. No real side effects I can tell unless it's really helping with my sleep. I slept very well last night. Almost too well. I had about 10 hours of sleep. I know it's mostly the medication (could be the cit, but also the xanax and ambien). The jet lag is probably gone too.
Nevertheless, it helped me with having a good day today. I was able to exercise, grocery shop, talk with a friend for an extened period about something on her mind (I was able to focus on her and not me and my anxiety), straighten up my house, watch some shows I had recorded and just really go about my day. I did think about anxiety occassionally but I really was good about keeping it at bay today.
Also, did not take the Bach Rescue Me drops in water today. I did not feel tired in the afternoon like I was the last few days when I did use it. I will not use it tomorrow to see if that remains the case. If all it is for me is a sleep aid, then I will keep it in mind when my DR. starts to taper me off the xanax/ambien.
Well a good day and now off to sleep as work tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous but since the last two nights were good sleep I feel positive. I just hope I can get up refreshed as it seems I need a good 9-10 hours with this combo of meds. I'll have to go directly to sleep right now to get that time in - but I do have few things to do first before bed.
Night all.
Day 39
So far so good on the 40 mg - just took 4th day. No real side effects. I do get some good sleep. Today when my alarm went off, I thought more about it's morning already versus oh god I have anxiety pit in my stomach! Good difference.
Had appointment with therapist. Third one. Seems a bit weird so far. I know it takes time to "bond" and there's nothing that turns me off about her.
I guess I can't just really express what's bothering me. One of the things besides anxiety in general is I think I have depression too. We talked about how I feel I am not at peace or content with my life. And i don't know what will make me content. I know you can work through meditation, exercise and so forth to help with anxiety and help you live in the here and now. But I am in search of what I really want out of my life. I can't seem to figure it out. It's am emptiness in me. I don't have a passion about anything. I wouldn't even know where to begin to look inside me to find out what it might be. I guess that's another topic we will be discussing over the weeks I see my therapist.
We did a bit of muscle relaxtion/meditation thing for about 5/10minutes. I felt odd about it as it was just me and the therapist. She had a soothing voice, but I felt hard to "relax" as I was a bit self conscious about it just being me versus a group like in a yoga class or something. Anyway, it was helpful in the end. I need to find some short little meditation cds that talk through it - I don't think I can just meditate myself since I never did it before. And I can't start out with these 40 minute versions I have been seeing. I do deep breathing, which is some what a form of it I guess. But need more instruction on this. I know it will be good. Just need the right way to learn.
Didn't sip on the Bach in water today in afternoon either and wasn't tired. So after three days of using it and really feeling sleepy versus two days not using and not feeling sleeping - I feel it's more of a calming sleep aid for me. If I need to, I'll use it at night. If really have a panic during the day I'll resort to it - but right now the xanax is working that all out.
G'night all.
Day 40
4 days but just took the 5th day of 40 mg cit as I take at night. Also taking the 3x a day .5 mg of xanax and 10mg of ambien at night. I'm getting good sleep. No other side effect, but was more tired during the whole day than normal. I really think with this combo of meds I need like 9 hours or more of sleep. Which is hard when you have to work long days.
Talk to doc Thursday night - yep he wants me to call him later in the evening. Doesn't do house calls but makes evening hours available. :P I do like my psych doc. I feel he really listens and knows his stuff. I'm sure I will be tapering the xanax and ambien - at least I think I should. Let's see what he says.
I felt pretty good during the day today (other than being tired), like my anxiety wasn't there really. I hope this means the 40 mg is kicking in and when I do taper off the other stuff, I'll still feel good! And if I do have any episodes, then the techniques I'll learn from therapist and my own will power should overcome any major attacks! Well that's the plan.
So today was good. Probably need to adjust the ancillary meds once I talk to doc and then we will really see how the 40 mg cit does for me.
G'night.
Day 45
Haven't posted in a few days. Been busy with work and then Hurricane Irene took all the comforts you enjoy with electricity away. I saw more human interaction then normal all around the neighborhood :P
Doing well. The last few days have been very good. I have not really felt too much anxiety, if at all. I sometimes get it at work when I see an email from certain people because I imagine I'll have to do something I don't really like doing. I'm working on my confidence again. I was confident in myself before, but the last months before my panic attack I noticed I was very unsure of myself and my abilities. I'm getting back to feeling "valued" but I do get the pang of anxiety when I think I might not be good at something I need to do at work.
I have to travel this coming Monday so I do feel I'll have some work anxiety moments. All part of my new job. I'm already "planning" ways to minimize the impact of the time change and ensure I bring my stretch tapes that help me relax and already pumping my brain with positive thoughts: "I can do this - I've done it before". "These people I work with are nice and don't want to see me fail". "Work is not who you are" and other things.
Anyway, doing well with medication 40 mg Cit. Still on xanax 3x a day at .5mg. But cut down to 5 mg of ambien. I talked to doc this past Thursday and the ambien was the only change he made. I wonder if I need the xanax as I don't feel like I'm too anxious. Perhaps the cit is kicking in at the 40 mg. But slow and steady is the course my doc wants. I'll call him again this Thursday for a check in and the next "change".
So, to end the last 5 days I've been good and felt good. Wanted to socialize and didn't mind getting up and going to work. Almost like I was my old self. I'm thankful for this.
G'night.
Day 49
The week is over and it was a good one for me. I found myself joking alot with people even when I didn't know all of the them that well. I feel really positive about how I'm progressing on medication and controlling my anxiety. Well, I know I may not have had big "anxious" causing triggers so let me not get too big in the head about my progress. Must be realistic. Meds help but you must have your inner tools to also control your anxiety.
I talked to doc today giving all the "good" news about how I'm doing. The only slight challenge is sleep. I'm currently on 5mg of Ambien for a week. I was on 10mg before that. With the 5mg, I feel I am taking longer to fall asleep and I wake up sooner. So I might not be getting a "long" uninterrupted sleep. I am able to go back to sleep and I'm not ruminating when I do first try and sleep. End result, the doc only reduced my afternoon dosage of xanax. All else stays the same. Slow and steady. He doesn't want to have any "withdrawal symptoms". I get that. But I really think the 40 mg of Cit is working and the xanax can be cut out quicker. But, I always listen to the doc. He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I had a session with the therpaist this past week. I don't know about how helpful these sessions are. I've had 4 so far. I talk alot but I don't know. I've been in therapy before for 4 years so I am familiar with how its supposed to help - which it did tremendously. But now with my anxiety being more the issue and not depression, I just don't know if this type of therapy is what I need. Maybe it's more yoga, or meditation things that will be better for me so I learn to stay calm when anxiety rears its ugly head. We talked about journaling - which I haven't started yet. Not that I have to write a book, but I should put down things that made me feel good, bad, anxious, etc. during the day. Then over time, after review we can pinpoint things that triggers anxious moments and things I did/did not do to control it, and so forth. Seems logical and a good idea, just haven't started. Well I though about it and first I said to myself I need to get a nice little journal book - well that will be what I'll do tomorrow - get the journal book. Then I will have it and there will be no excuse not to try this method of therapy :)
It's a long weekend here in the US, so I have made plans with friends tomorrow night. Yes, I initiated the plans!
Night all.
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