Babikins
24-07-11, 22:10
:welcome:
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to click on my thread, I genuinely hope one or two of you will find something within the following (undoubtedly essay-like) post that will be of some use to you.
Well, I am by all means new to the site and the forums so I thought I would give you my story and explain a little about why I am on the site.
During my years on this God forsaken planet (I don't mean that, I do hope God hasn't forsaken us just yet!) I have been prescribed the following medications at varying points in my life;
Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Dosulepin, Venlafaxine, Reboxetine, Propranolol and Mirtazapine.
At some points I was on mixtures of the above medications administered together whilst under the supervision of a medical professional within a mental health care institution. (I will be adding my experiences with these medications to the appropriate threads later on this evening.:))
For as long as I can remember I experienced dark feelings of complete emptiness, sadness and unexplainable disappointment (this manifested itself in many ways including bulimia and radical changes in personal appearance as I thought changing my looks would alter my thoughts)I believed I had never experienced feelings of overwhelming joy or elated happiness, as if they had somehow been omitted from my soul before I could remember them.
I had no valid reason to be an unhappy girl. I had a relatively average upbringing and I had always been in full time employment that seemed to suit me. I had a very good social circle and support in any endeavours I undertook. I experienced the sadness that most do; death in the family, disintegrating relationships and failed romances, but nothing heavily outside the norms of anyone else. Nothing to warrant my feelings.
As the years progressed I mastered perfect mimicry for the feelings missing within myself, however four years ago cracks began to appear in my facade. I was consistently plagued by feelings of abnormality and the sense that I was missing something, that I wasn't 'right'. I tried to rationalise with myself that perhaps this is just the way I was meant to be, but this resulted in me believing that I had the right to end my own life, as opposed to spending the rest of it feeling entirely empty.
It was at this point my facade broke entirely and I was a screaming, crying, panic-stricken mess. After several days of this breakdown and self mutilation and harm I was eventually coerced into going to the GP by a close friend. I thought that if I didn't attempt to find a fix for these feelings then I would be trapped in this hell of constantly feeling dread and abnormality, or worse I would decide enough was enough and end my life. Which at times felt like my right and a perfectly valid alternative to living with it.
It was at this pivotal point I began to accept the idea of medical intervention.
In the years following that incident I was put on different medications (named above) and attended many different therapy sessions with over 10 different psychiatrists, GP's, CBT therapists and even joined in group therapy.
It has now been 5 years since the turning point that prompted me to find help and I have been diagnosed with MDD.
Although I still struggle from time to time there is without doubt a marked improvement in my outlook and health.
It takes a long time for people like myself to understand that this IS MY normality. People do not always feel chirpy, elated and joyous! There is not some mindset that we are devoid of.
I know now my issues stemmed from a firm belief that everyone around me was constantly happy and I was so busy worrying why I didn't feel happy.. that I missed out on the experiences that WOULD HAVE MADE ME HAPPY! Crazy, isn't it? I thought the grass was greener for others, that I was faulty and everyone else was constantly on top of the world! The child of those thoughts is MDD.
Feeling depressed is part of human nature. We all feel it from time to time and some of us do seem to have a predisposition to it. And I accept now that I am one of those people. It makes things much easier to grasp once you accept that your not much different from everyone else.
HOWEVER...
The legacy of my depression is anxiety.
And anxiety is a whole different ball game altogether!
The feelings of dread and worry I used to feel manifested themselves as anxiety and that was very difficult for me to separate from the MDD for many years.
Anyway, I have ranted long enough! But thank you ever so for those who have read this through and I thoroughly look forward to discussing other peoples experiences and stories over the coming days/weeks/months!
Abigail
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to click on my thread, I genuinely hope one or two of you will find something within the following (undoubtedly essay-like) post that will be of some use to you.
Well, I am by all means new to the site and the forums so I thought I would give you my story and explain a little about why I am on the site.
During my years on this God forsaken planet (I don't mean that, I do hope God hasn't forsaken us just yet!) I have been prescribed the following medications at varying points in my life;
Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Dosulepin, Venlafaxine, Reboxetine, Propranolol and Mirtazapine.
At some points I was on mixtures of the above medications administered together whilst under the supervision of a medical professional within a mental health care institution. (I will be adding my experiences with these medications to the appropriate threads later on this evening.:))
For as long as I can remember I experienced dark feelings of complete emptiness, sadness and unexplainable disappointment (this manifested itself in many ways including bulimia and radical changes in personal appearance as I thought changing my looks would alter my thoughts)I believed I had never experienced feelings of overwhelming joy or elated happiness, as if they had somehow been omitted from my soul before I could remember them.
I had no valid reason to be an unhappy girl. I had a relatively average upbringing and I had always been in full time employment that seemed to suit me. I had a very good social circle and support in any endeavours I undertook. I experienced the sadness that most do; death in the family, disintegrating relationships and failed romances, but nothing heavily outside the norms of anyone else. Nothing to warrant my feelings.
As the years progressed I mastered perfect mimicry for the feelings missing within myself, however four years ago cracks began to appear in my facade. I was consistently plagued by feelings of abnormality and the sense that I was missing something, that I wasn't 'right'. I tried to rationalise with myself that perhaps this is just the way I was meant to be, but this resulted in me believing that I had the right to end my own life, as opposed to spending the rest of it feeling entirely empty.
It was at this point my facade broke entirely and I was a screaming, crying, panic-stricken mess. After several days of this breakdown and self mutilation and harm I was eventually coerced into going to the GP by a close friend. I thought that if I didn't attempt to find a fix for these feelings then I would be trapped in this hell of constantly feeling dread and abnormality, or worse I would decide enough was enough and end my life. Which at times felt like my right and a perfectly valid alternative to living with it.
It was at this pivotal point I began to accept the idea of medical intervention.
In the years following that incident I was put on different medications (named above) and attended many different therapy sessions with over 10 different psychiatrists, GP's, CBT therapists and even joined in group therapy.
It has now been 5 years since the turning point that prompted me to find help and I have been diagnosed with MDD.
Although I still struggle from time to time there is without doubt a marked improvement in my outlook and health.
It takes a long time for people like myself to understand that this IS MY normality. People do not always feel chirpy, elated and joyous! There is not some mindset that we are devoid of.
I know now my issues stemmed from a firm belief that everyone around me was constantly happy and I was so busy worrying why I didn't feel happy.. that I missed out on the experiences that WOULD HAVE MADE ME HAPPY! Crazy, isn't it? I thought the grass was greener for others, that I was faulty and everyone else was constantly on top of the world! The child of those thoughts is MDD.
Feeling depressed is part of human nature. We all feel it from time to time and some of us do seem to have a predisposition to it. And I accept now that I am one of those people. It makes things much easier to grasp once you accept that your not much different from everyone else.
HOWEVER...
The legacy of my depression is anxiety.
And anxiety is a whole different ball game altogether!
The feelings of dread and worry I used to feel manifested themselves as anxiety and that was very difficult for me to separate from the MDD for many years.
Anyway, I have ranted long enough! But thank you ever so for those who have read this through and I thoroughly look forward to discussing other peoples experiences and stories over the coming days/weeks/months!
Abigail