university work - does anyone else get this?

[rubytuesday]

hi there,

this is probably all going to sound a bit odd but i am wondering if anyone else has the problems i do with uni work and anxiety. i find when i am reading i struggle to understand what the article/book is saying. it gets to the point where it's almost like there is a problem with my cognition, like i can't even understand how one sentence links to another even though in some ways i can see it's fairly straight forward but it's like there is a gap in my brain that just prevents me from 'getting it'. i can't see the points the writers are making and when i take notes it's like i am just repeating what they;re saying without understanding. when i try and think about it i get all tied up in knots. then when i come to try and draw up a plan for what to include i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing and i get so freaked out. then i get totally obsessive and can't stop thinking and trying to make points and connections but to no avail. then i feel like all i am doing is lifting exactly what someone else has said as i can't see my way around it myself as my brain is so muddled.

i managed to submit 1 essay in my first term even though i had all this shit in my head but it got worse and worse and then in second term my best mate had to sit with me to help me get through the second one as i had totally lost the place and was in a really bad way. i have had to drop modules as a result of just losing it when it came to essay time. i have been in a really bad place since then, it was back in april and i was going to leave the course but then thought i can't let this anxiety beat me and the voice that is telling me im not good enough and i don't get it. i have been trying to do reading and prepare for another essay before i go back as thought it would help me feel a bit better but i am now in exactly the same place and feeling TERRIBLE.

i am so frightened about going back to uni in september now as i feel like if i can't get past this then how will i ever be able to submit my coursework???? it's like i have this huge block now and the minute i start reading i just get really freaked which of course does nothing for my concentration and understanding. completing this course is so important to me as i really don't want to go through life feeling like a failure and that is how i felt when i thought i should just leave. it sounds crazy but it's got to the point where i am having suicidal thoughts as i think if i can't get past this then i am going to constantly feel like a failure but i can't see how to get past this. i have arranged an appointment with a private cbt therapist as just can't wait on nhs anymore.

this is a mad ramble but i wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like this, it would be really good to hear from someone if they have....i am getting desperate.

[pinkfreud]

Just to share, I'm studying psychology and feel exactly the same. Having reassessments at the moment as I missed work due to being off 'ill'. I end up with my head in my hands when I read/write. It's good that you can see a CBT specialist privately, have you tried reading a CBT book? they often have them available in the uni library.

[pia]

Hiya,
I had the same problem when i was at uni, it was as if there was a part of my brain missing, preventing me from concentrating and fitting things together- writing essays was a nightmare, id always end up in floods of tears, it was so frustrating because i understand the concepts of what i was reading etc, and knew what i wanted to say in my essays, i just couldnt foucus my brain for long enough to articulate it.. I was( and still am) taking paroxatine for anxiety, dont know if this contributes to these feelings, or if its an anxiety issue? I do have problems with feelings of depersonalisation when im anxious, maybe this has something to do with it? id be interested to find out.
Good luck.

xx

[rubytuesday]

hey there,

thanks for your responses and sorry it's taken me a while to reply. I have just this minute emailed my tutor to see if I can defer from my course for a year. I kept on trying to understand the stuff and just couldnt to the point I really felt like there was no choice and I would just have to kill myself. Writing this I am aware how incredibly irrational it sounds but I just couldn't see a way out. I have realised that I have to break out of this but the prospect of going back in 4 weeks is just too much. I need to sort my shit out first before I spend another £2000 and possibly can't do the work. I really hope the cbt is of some help to me because I just don't want to be limited by my anxiety anymore but can't seem to get past this mind block myself as much as I have tried.

Anyway thanks for your responses, pink freud I have read some bits and pieces about CBT but think I need the structure of sessions to get anywhere so fingers crossed this works x

[Col]

I was a mum at 20, went back to night school did an access in science.
Next did a foundation degree maths and sci and eventually went on to successfully complete a BSc in human biology. I then went on to work for the NHS in a blood processing laboratory, left due to having my second child and then 2009 end I applied to do a PGCE. 2010 I didn't get onto it despite life experience, a high 2:1 and a years worth of work with the NHS. They made me do an extended and new angle to the PGCE, called an SKE, which has been used as an add on to the PGCE in areas such as science where tutors may have to teach all three sciences but may be lacking in subject knowledge.
I'm biological and therefore what let me down in the interview was lack of physics knowledge. ANYWAY 2010, I put my then 17 month old in nursery ,I was heartbroken as my course was full time and my then 8 year old daughter was in breakfast clubs/ after school clubs etc.
We moved into our new house last November as we'd been living with my in laws for 5 years ( very stressful situation). I wouldn't even see the kids I'd be bogged down with
coursework etc. This February it all came to a head I became dangerously anemic and this was coupled by the fact that I started to experience anxiety. I felt soo run down I'd get to uni after doing nursery and


school drop and I'd just stand there feeling absolutely exhausted. And disorientated. Then the panic set in.


I LEFT MY COURSE and because I was doing a SKE year which would on successful completion automatically allow me to proceed on to the PGCE, I was heartbroken, and sooo confused. I was upset having to put cancel my babies nursery as he actually started to love going and I felt bad putting my kids through loops and then having to change there routines again.
All the bloody work I'd done for nothing and the worst thing.....My chances of becoming a teacher and gaining my PGCE from that particular uni
Where now OVER. As they will only let me do my pgce when I've completed the SKE year

It still hurts all the effort and I'm soo ambitious I still am dying to have "the BIG career" ( at least we eventually bought our own house after five years, that's a bonus)
But sometimes you can't have it all and without HEALTH your well and truly stuffed.

AND what Im truing to say to you is sweetheart, it is upsetting when you've got plans and aspirations BUT get your health back and your self sorted 100% first and like I tell myself constantly there's always tomorrow,things might change BUT for now, take one step at a time, have lots of me time and things will work work out one way or another.
But focus on health , body and mind and as a consequence although it might not feel like it now BUT you'll be a lot more productive and successful. Ignore time, small steps will make a big difference. U might not want to go back when your sorted, who knows but takecare and get your health back before you do anything.

Collette:hugs: