Looking for answers/advice please

[pete84]

Hi i'm new here. (male 26) I'm looking for some advice or help please. I really want to move on with my life, but mentally I have a few things holding me back. I've tried to beat them, although I dont actually know what i'm trying to beat.
Everytime I try I end up where I started like a vicous cricle.

Well where to start symptom wise.

Mentally I think i'm really intelligent and been told it many times. I'm excellent at maths/science anything technical and DIY. I worry that i'm not normal, but i've been told i'm the most normal-average person there is many times.
I guess thats how i try to appear, but I dont feel normal.

I think alot and ask many questions. I question my existence and try to find answers all the time and self diagnose my self. I guess i'm searching for an answer to why i'm the way I am.

Will list more symstoms now:

Violent thoughts, often when holding a knife/hammer i've thought about attacking people who are close to me. Plus wierd urges to throw things and smash them and i've also had the urge to jump infront of cars/buses etc.

Sexually innapropriate thoughts about things which i dont want to go into.

Regulary question my self with "AM I GAY?" usually around close friends,which leads to anxiety and me trying to not appear gay. Even though I know im straight.

Really anxious outside, at one point I wouldn't ever leave the house, although in the last 2 years i've overcome that part to some extent.
I still back away from new experiences, get that weird feeling in me belly. Also im depressed and have low self asteam, but sometimes my confidence is high for a while and i'm on top of the world but doesn't last long.

Sometimes I way overthink simple things, my mind goes into a weird state like its beating and I feel like my head guna pop. Not to mention I have difficulty sleeping and my sleeping pattern is late nights(4-5am) and wake up after dinner.(12.30pm+) and yes i'm unemployed.

I obsess over simple things, a small remark can be on my mind for weeks and I often look back at things i've said or done days earlier and thing "what a weirdo or idiot"...

I'd be greatful for any responces, except insults lol

[PanchoGoz]

A doctor once told me this: "You cannot judge a person on their thoughts. All thoughts are within their own normal boundry - it is what we act out that should concern you."
From what you have written, it seems you are somewhat obsessive. Especially over what is "normal" and what isn't. Let me tell you now whenever you think about the word normal, you are going in a circle because there is no such thing as normal. If others say you are normal it means you conform with society and have never done anything to cause concern. Have you ever hurt someone? Or had homsexual contact? Or locked youself from the outside world?
In my personal opinion, you don't sound like you have anything wrong with you except an anxious mind, which I gather is what led you to here. You overthink, overanalyse and overreact and it looks like you are now aware of these irrational thoughts you have and want some help. By all means go for all the self help methods or therapy or even healing that there is, but be reassured that you sound like a decent, regular guy with no mental illness. You know the difference between right and wrong - and you are in control of your actions.
Time to start beating those negetive thought patterns! There are all sorts of self help books and websites which would be a good starting point for you. If you haven't done so alread, type in google intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts etc and see what comes up.
Good luck with your mission!

[pete84]

Many thanks for those kind words. It makes very good sense to me.
your right, the reason i'm searching for answers now is becuase i want to delete this problem from my life.

I know i suffer with anxiety, a bad thing to have but i'm beating that slowly now. Also i know i really over think and over react about insignificant things. I did have several panic attacks years ago becuase of anxiety. I was a mess lets say and its laughable to me now really some of the states i used to get into.
Its good that looking back i can say that.

I can quite happily go outside, play football be with friends etc. which is good becuase just a few years ago i would go several months before even leaving the house.
no i've never tried anything homosexual, or hurt anybody for that matter. I know they are just thoughts but i think my fear is worse becuase i consider myself to be a nice geniune person and i know thats how i want everyone to percieve me(sometimes i care to much about what others think is this bad?). it makes me sick that i could think of the things that i do.

Maybe i just needed to get these things off my chest, lived with them for years now it feels great to actually tell somebody and get a positive reply.
Usually i'm a quiet guy who in the past would just bottle things like this away

Thanks