Anxiety regarding relationships..

[Liliana83]

Ok, let me back track..I was with my ex for 5 years and he dumped me because he didn't think he could marry me..etc. I am now in a new relationship (6 months going) where I wanted to take things slow..but ended up being the opposite. We moved pretty fast..said I love you...BUT we aren't living together. He swept me off my feet..he initiated most of it all..and I went along with it because honestly it felt good to be loved. He even from the beginning wanted to move in together..and I put my foot down on that and said no it's too early. Well, we both feel like we really do care/love each other now. He has been there for me through a health scare earlier this year where another guy would have walked away from..

We recently had a conversation this past weekend about agreeing we both moved fast in the beginning but are okay with how things are right now. He asked me about want I wanted in the future. I said if things go well and see how we both feel I'd like to get married..at least experience it. But that I really don't want to rush things as we are just still at 6 months of dating. I also mentioned not being sure about having kids because just the thought of it makes me a nervous wreck. He threw out not being sure about marriage and that his job might make him re-locate in the future (which I already knew and was okay with it--regarding his job) and asked what I thought about that. Again I said let's see how we are when the time comes.

I honestly feel, deep inside, nervous about marriage like how my ex felt and how my present boyfriend feels about it too. Yes, part of me feels like I have to fit the general stereo type of being married before 30..and the other part is wanting to experience it and see if it works for me. I come from a hispanic background where it's always asked by immediate family..so when are you getting married/kids/etc...ugh!!! I feel just the added pressure from that alone. I know it all boils down to ''let's see what happens...''

The whole situation makes me nervous and feel like my anxiety is coming back..I know the conversation had to come about our future..but like him was dreading the talk. Was it too early to have this ''talk''? Should we have waited...? Or do you think it's good to know all this right now?

I was trying to live in the present..but this talk has me re-thinking everything. :shrug: Any thoughts...suggestions..advice? I am trying my best not to get too emotionally invested in this relationship (due to being heartbroken in the previous one) and in some way I am kinda glad we did have this talk.....I just worry about this...I hope me saying I'd like marriage someday doesn't scare him off...:weep:

Sorry this was so long..thanks for reading!

[Ingenious]

It's a tough one this, and society/family/partners can add to the pressure. I think all you can do is follow your heart, and your heart seems to tell you to take it slowly. If you're having reservations about marriage then it's far too soon to do this. Although at the moment you feel under some pressure, imagine getting married when you're not really sure it's the right thing. Also, you need to know your partner is genuinely the right person for you long term, so these talks are vital to sound each other out.

Take things slowly, keep communicating with him, these are big steps and you need to do it slowly, and right. He should respect you more for doing this, so should your family. And don't let "invisible pressure" from feeling you have to "conform" to the stereotype of married with kids, get on top of you.

When the time is right to take the next step you'll know it - and can then put 100% into it.

[debs71]

Hi,

From what you say has happened so far, to me it all sounds very healthy hun.

I think that him asking you what you wanted in the future is very refreshing (guys I have been with have never been so mature as to ask anything like that!) and to me sounds like it is very much on his mind about having a prospective future with you. He has also been upfront and honest about his feelings re. marriage and relocation which again, is good.

Far from these things being a negative, I think that they are very positive. He is covering all the bases with you, and it appears he is wanting to know your thoughts about those things, and not just seeing your relationship as a fly-by-night thing.

My advice would be to take things as they come, don't worry about the gravity and speed of these type of conversations. Things can go at the pace that YOU want them to, as it takes two people to make a couple hun. Don't be or feel pressured by anyone. What is between the two of you is the most important thing, so don't pay any heed to outside influences, just how you both feel.

I don't personally think that there is ever a right time for talks like that, it just kind of depends on the two of you and your feelings. Try to see it as a mature, healthy thing as opposed to something really heavy.

I so know where you are coming from in terms of being hurt before, as I have just had a relationship end on me that I was very much invested in, and it is really hard to trust anyone after that, and believe that things can be different with someone else, but just take things as they come and see this man and relationship as a completely new entity. History doesn't always repeat itself.

Overall, I think this all sounds positive and natural. Just follow your heart and see how things go.

Take care and lots of luck xxx:hugs:

[Liliana83]

Thank you both for responding. I am taking the advice of not having outside pressure come between us..and it should be based on what we both want..which again I don't want to rush things. And I agree I really do appreciate the communication we have because my ex was NOT good at all showing his feelings/thoughts. I feel differently with this one and he half jokingly asked let's have this conversation in the next 6 months, again. I did let him know that the talk had me stressed out and he told me to relax and don't let it stress me out. I have for sure learned from my previous relationship to be more independent and mature when it comes to making decisions. I made it clear to him that if God forbid we don't work out for whatever reason I will be fine.

''I so know where you are coming from in terms of being hurt before, as I have just had a relationship end on me that I was very much invested in, and it is really hard to trust anyone after that, and believe that things can be different with someone else, but just take things as they come and see this man and relationship as a completely new entity. History doesn't always repeat itself.''

Thank you for writing that in bold..you're absolutely right..I think I was just more nervous having this conversation as I didn't have it in my previous one.

If you wanna pm me about your recent breakup..please do so..maybe we can help each other. :flowers:

[debs71]

If you wanna pm me about your recent breakup..please do so..maybe we can help each other. :flowers:

Thank you so much Liliana....that is really kind and generous of you.xx

I really wish you so well in your relationship. I am sure that things will work out fine for you both.x:hugs:

[Liliana83]

I'm still anxious about it all...my nerves are getting the best of me..damn anxiety. My boyfriend leaves for a trip to catch up with his brother who is in town where my boyfriend is originally from. I am dropping him off at the airport on Friday and he won't be back till the 15th. I honestly think that it's good he will be leaving soon for that period of time..I think I need some time for myself. I just sent a phone text to my best friend asking if we can get together to have some serious girl talk today.

I don't want to bring this upon him again before he leaves..don't want him to stress himself out before he leaves..I want him to enjoy his time there and have fun.

I really am wanting to take things slow but wonder what he wants..I stupidly forgot to ask him last time we talked what HE wanted in a relationship. Sometimes I am not good at expressing my thoughts in person..and writing them down is way better for me. I am going to just see how things go..I guess. I seriously think my last relationship really jaded me...ugh!!! If things don't work out in this one..I am going to take a step back and not date for a good while..

I hate it that I think way too much about things..some days I am rational..other days I'm irrational.

Thanks for listening..

[Liliana83]

Anxiety is rearing it's ugly head again..feeling out of sorts again. My anxiety has never been this bad. I'm tense...shoulders ache..getting tingly fingers. I'm thinking about having another talk with the bf this weekend and asking him how he thinks things are going...I hope I don't scare him off! Maybe if he reassures me like he did last time I will finally get this anxiety off my chest. Sadly, I think I'll be fine for a month and then it will probably come back! Thank you douchebag ex for ruining my outlook on relationships..I can't even try to enjoy the one I'm in right now without that dark cloud looming over my head!

As I've stated in a previous post a while back I'm taking Trazodone for my insomnia..and ran out of my pills and haven't taken any for 3 days now. I wonder if that has to contribute to my erratic way of thinking..? I'm pretty damn sure that's the case...I called the pharmacist and hopefully my doctor gets with them asap on giving me a refill.