thekat1979
05-08-11, 15:00
Hi everyone.
I just wanted to say hi really and give a brief introduction to myself.
I'm Kate and I'm 31, have been having issues with anxiety and depression since I was 17 (think I was always quite anxious before that, but 17 was my first panic attack).
I have been diagnosed at present with depression, health anxiety, generalised anxiety and 'pure'/thought OCD - up until recently I was on 80mg of citalopram as I wouldn't take any new tablets as I am sure I will be allergic to them and die, so they have said to just keep increasing the dosage past the 'normal' range. However, whilst my panic and OCDD issues were fairly well managed on such a high dose, I became suicidal, so they have decided to start lowering my dose again and have me back on 40mg of citalopram and want me to transfer over to a new medicine. While I was on 80mg the thought of changing tablets was fine, but now I'm back down to 40mg the thught of transferring to a different tablet is scaring the hell out of me. They wont even tell me what tablet they are thinking of movin me to as they think I will spend too much time looking up the side effects and then wont take them so I don't find out until very late on and that is also worrying me a LOT...
I spend a lot of time 'seeing' nuclear war happening, or being hit by a car, or thinking that someone I love is dead, or that my heart has stopped, or that I have a brain tumour, etc etc. The list is HUGE, too long to sit here typing in an intro lol - but I just thought you might like to know the rough area I'm coming from. I liken it to the Final Destination films, you know where they see the deaths all happen and then find themselves back to the moment just before they do something? I do that hundred, sometimes thousands, of times a day :-( my entire life is spent imagining what is going to happen if I do this or that, and I can see what will happen and it is ALWAYS violent or death based. I don't know how I've managed to live this long with it - and death regularly seems like the only 'out'...but my guide dog and my partner keep me going, if only for a brief moment, long enough for something to kick in and make me want to stay just that little bit longer. There is no way to describe how much I sometimes wish I could just do it, believe in reincarnation, and start all over again because i would do things SO differently. I'd stNd up to my mother when she bullied me, I'd not go into the abusive relationship my family just left me to rot in (not in that any more), I'd stay in one school for more than a little while - the same with houses. When I was sixteen I'd lived in more houses than I'd had birthdays - I stand out enough as it is, but to put that on top of it all, there is no wonder I didn't stnad a chance at developing social skills. No social skills resulted in no friends. I CAN make them during my 'up' periods, but as soon as I hit any kind of hard patch - which are much more often there than good ones - then it all gets too much for them and they scarper. :-(
I'm sorry - this is turning into a bit more than just an intro, and I'm sure you all have better things to be doing, but hi :-) I hope to get to know youall over the coming months /years :-)
I just wanted to say hi really and give a brief introduction to myself.
I'm Kate and I'm 31, have been having issues with anxiety and depression since I was 17 (think I was always quite anxious before that, but 17 was my first panic attack).
I have been diagnosed at present with depression, health anxiety, generalised anxiety and 'pure'/thought OCD - up until recently I was on 80mg of citalopram as I wouldn't take any new tablets as I am sure I will be allergic to them and die, so they have said to just keep increasing the dosage past the 'normal' range. However, whilst my panic and OCDD issues were fairly well managed on such a high dose, I became suicidal, so they have decided to start lowering my dose again and have me back on 40mg of citalopram and want me to transfer over to a new medicine. While I was on 80mg the thought of changing tablets was fine, but now I'm back down to 40mg the thught of transferring to a different tablet is scaring the hell out of me. They wont even tell me what tablet they are thinking of movin me to as they think I will spend too much time looking up the side effects and then wont take them so I don't find out until very late on and that is also worrying me a LOT...
I spend a lot of time 'seeing' nuclear war happening, or being hit by a car, or thinking that someone I love is dead, or that my heart has stopped, or that I have a brain tumour, etc etc. The list is HUGE, too long to sit here typing in an intro lol - but I just thought you might like to know the rough area I'm coming from. I liken it to the Final Destination films, you know where they see the deaths all happen and then find themselves back to the moment just before they do something? I do that hundred, sometimes thousands, of times a day :-( my entire life is spent imagining what is going to happen if I do this or that, and I can see what will happen and it is ALWAYS violent or death based. I don't know how I've managed to live this long with it - and death regularly seems like the only 'out'...but my guide dog and my partner keep me going, if only for a brief moment, long enough for something to kick in and make me want to stay just that little bit longer. There is no way to describe how much I sometimes wish I could just do it, believe in reincarnation, and start all over again because i would do things SO differently. I'd stNd up to my mother when she bullied me, I'd not go into the abusive relationship my family just left me to rot in (not in that any more), I'd stay in one school for more than a little while - the same with houses. When I was sixteen I'd lived in more houses than I'd had birthdays - I stand out enough as it is, but to put that on top of it all, there is no wonder I didn't stnad a chance at developing social skills. No social skills resulted in no friends. I CAN make them during my 'up' periods, but as soon as I hit any kind of hard patch - which are much more often there than good ones - then it all gets too much for them and they scarper. :-(
I'm sorry - this is turning into a bit more than just an intro, and I'm sure you all have better things to be doing, but hi :-) I hope to get to know youall over the coming months /years :-)