View Full Version : Need help, i feel like a monster. I can't control my intrusive thoughts.
i am going to cut a long story short. first of all, i am in a happy, healthy, normal sexually functioning relationship with someone whom i love with all my heart.
however i have been getting very bad intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, rarely violent. it started with me thinking i was aroused by children (groinal response) and thinking i was a paedophile. everytime i was around a child i would become very anxious and lewd comments or ideas would spring into my head. I hated myself and still do.
Then they changed to intrusive thoughts about babies and stuff. they were awful. i literally wanted to die. then it moved to intrusive thoughts about family members, young or old. that too, made me uncomfortable and distressed and very upset. I thought, why is this happening to me, what type of person gets these thoughts. A bad person? An evil person? All i want is to have a clean, pure mind.
Yesterday and today were very bad days for me. I started getting intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend's family. his mom, dad, sister, grandfather and now i don't want to go to his house because i don't want thoughts like this, i don't want that every single person i know it is beyond wrong to have a thought about pops into my head all the time. I just can't imagine telling my boyfriend I've had intrusive thoughts about his family and the guilt is eating me away. Obviously i dont want to have these thoughts about his family because they are lovely people and i ESPECIALLY don't want thoughts about his grandparents either. Everytime my brain knows something is wrong to think about, almost always sexually, it will think it. I feel like i am sick in the head. i also keep thinking what happenes when his grandfather dies and i know i had intrusive thoughts about him? how am i going to feel?
i am pretty sure this is pure o ocd, i don't have many compulsions other than telling my boyfriend everything to relieve my guilt. the guilt and shame are the worst parts, they eat away at me inside. i think what if he knew i thought this about this person.
anyway, my most disturbing one to date came today when i had sexually intrusive thoughts about my deceased grandfather. i was so shaken, so disturbed, so frightened and upset that i ran upstairs so that i could cry. i am so scared i am aroused by these thoughts also. i watch out for the groinal repsonse at all times.
i just feel like such a bad person. i know i have anxiety problems and also ocd and i have guilt obsessions too, but why am i getting these thoughts? i don't want them, i hate them. they make me loathe myself. they make me depressed and not want to be here. my boyfriend knows i get them about my family (intrusive thoguhts) but i couldn't bring myself to tell him the other stuff, that i get intrusive thoughts about his family and other sickening stuff too. i asked him if he got thoughts like this too and he said yes everyone does but i know he wont have them as sick as me and that makes me feel so bad too.
please help someone?
Anxious_gal
12-08-11, 08:31
Please don't feel bad, if you loom through the forum the sexual thoughts are very very common. You are so not alone x
True pedophiles , now some of them do post online seeking help and telling their story, from what I've read they are sexually attracted to children from the second they hit puberty, they have no attraction to adults .
So I'm pretty sure what you have is pure OCD.
I've seen so many posts by people in your situation.
I find that some people get the intrusive thought , and then really over analyse it and test their sexual response by imagining things in their mind then they worry about whether they did or did not get turned on.
I've seen women afraid to have children or people avoid being alone with children just in case.
Theres a huge difference between having these thoughts and acting them out.
To be honest you need to find a good therapist,
Maybe not tell peope your thoughts, like people who may not understand, because they will react with disgust and then in a way confirming your belief that your evil.
But your not you are suffering from pure OCD you do have a choice in how you react to these thoughts and therapy can really help with coping.
The problem with the groin response is that it could be reacting from anxiety it simply that it reacts, its in no way an indicator that you are personally in your heart aroused.
Your scared and ashamed by these thoughts , you dont want nor enjoy them.
I think the cure is to let take away the fear and shame and just see the thought for what it is, just a thought.
You are harming no one by having these thoughts!!
Every one gets odd thoughts , like I can be holding my cat and think aw she's so sweet and vulnerable , it would be so easy to snap her neck and kill her.
Now it does sound shocking. But it's a thought not a feeling, I only have the urge to protect and care for her,
But if I had Pure OCD I'm guessing maybe that thought would scare me, make me feel guilty, maybe I would test my self, put my hands around her neck to see if I really would do it, then maybe I'd be scared to be near her just in case I would do some thing awful to her
I think intrusive thoughts occur in the majority of individuals who have a huge Conscious!!!
And always think people like this really do mull things over and really do care! And that's it, you care about things soo much and have really good morals! These thoughts get to you because your so caring and conscious & you know there soo wrong and that's what worries you, how wrong they are!!!
It's people who don't care that carry out such acts, for you to write that post proves your good nature and good morals and therefore your someone to the other end of the spectrum compared to someone like a pedophile.
This will pass.
Takecare collette :winks:
thank you for both responses. they have helped lift me from what was a really depressing mood. i wish to see a therapist, but i am young, and do not wish to explain to my family about this, and so it may be hard. i next see my GP in october. i am hoping then that i have either gotten better or that she can put me on a waiting list. i'd prefer to get one to one therapy rather than group therapy and in some ways would be relieved if i got medication (but also scared because it might re affirm my belief i belong in a mental hospital)
you are right, i am hurting no one with these thoughts and they are only thoughts. it's just i have attached so much significance to them that i cannot forget them, especailly the ones about my boyfriends grandfather because they are sick and also my own. all my thoughts can be sexual, sexually violent or just violent. like recently i got these ones of castration and stuff like to people i know, it's horrible and stuff like family members being gay and all that.
it's hard because i do have an overactive imagination and the more i try and block them the worse they come back. i dont believe people get ocd thoughts as sick as mine :( thats why it makes me feel so guilty. it is the guilt and shame that are worst to handle, because i know it is wrong.
say i were to use the technique most used, the one where you let the thoughts in and ignore them/face the fears, how would this work with me? because i feel so guilty over my thoughts, i find it hard to let them in which is why they usually flash into my head, or i can feel them coming on and the moment i let my guard down, they intrude and that too makes me guilty because i think i should have been stronger, i shouldn't have let my guard down.
they are morally and ethically wrong in every way so am curious to know how this type of treatment works? thanks again
I cant tell u much about this as my OCD is washin my hands and contamination, however I av read up on this condition over and over again and weather u have ocd or not it is normal to have such toughts, just sum pep pay them mre attention than others then that is wen it becomes OCD an the behaviour starts, dnt try an blank these thoughts out or pay them much attention as it then comes a huge prop. From proffessors who av explored OCD researched all pedos to be noted none had ever suffered OCD!!!
Tinker
i post on other forums too, i posted on yahoo answers this morning and the majority of people make out you are insane and are going to hurt someone. it only reinforces my belief that no one gets thoughts as sick as mine.
i worry about what will happen when the people ive had intrusive thoughts about die and how i will feel knowing the thoughts i got. in regards to my boyfriends family, this is a big worry. i mean i know say for example my images of his grandfather are, i would say, someone that just looks quite like him, but does it detract from the guilt? no. i feel alone because my boyfriend would actually leave me if i told him. he isnt the most understanding but he is amazing and i want to stay with him.
i just keep thinking why is this happening to me? when the thoughts stop the guilt, which has always been there, intensifies. like now. i keep thinking, just forget about it, let it go, they were only thoughts. logic isnt working though.
i believe i have overcome my fear of being a paedophile, because as you say, i wouldnt be so horrified by myself if it what i truly wanted and i know deep down i am attracted only to MEN not kids. but now i feel guilty because my thoughts are targeting people i know, like my family and my boyfriends. it is horrible. disgusting. i feel so helpless and SO guilty.
My OCD presents in a very similar way - I actually looked up the groinal response thing. Put it this way, we have these thoughts and we are like, CRAP, I must be a sicko, am I turned on by this, so we focus our attention on that area of our body to 'see' what kind of response we are getting - and we do this over and over and over again - and eventually, yes, there is an 'awareness', because we are focussing so much attenting 'down there'. I tend to tense up in that area, which ofcourse doesn't help AT ALL.
The only thing I can do is tell you that if we were true sickos, we wouldn't be worried about these thoughts, we wouldn't be posting on mental illness forums - we'd be sitting online looking at porn and being child abusers - and I know 100% that that is just not who I am.
Not that this realisation takes away the anxiety and guilt - for me, I can't even hug my kids, because afterwards, I am analysing whether or not I hugged them appropriately!!!! I have drilled the whole personal protection stuff into them from a young age, I wouldn't have done that if I was a predator.
I did get over these issues a couple of times before, but I have found that whenever life throws me a curve ball, my anxiety crops back. I've actually been really open with all my counsellors and psychs, close friends and my partner about my issues and they have ALL been really good and not even remotely worried about me, and this has been HUGELY relieving for me. And whenever I think about my thoughts, and think I should go hand myself into the police, I run through all the things I'd be turning myself in for, and realise that they only place they'd be taking me is to the nearest mental health facility!
Nothing we can say can make you feel better - well it may temporarily, but you'll walk away from your PC, have a thought, and be right back where you started. You really do need to get some kind of help to assist you through this - I don't know where you are, but see if there are some kind of free community mental health centres, or some phone counselling or SOMETHING where you can talk to a professional and get the reassurance you need.
Like me, you will just have to keep telling yourself that these are JUST THOUGHTS - yes they are the worst thoughts ever for us, but we aren't hurting anyone. I've thought about the idea of just letting the thoughts come and stop fighting them, but like you, I'm just not game to do that - for me it is the fear that if I don't fight them, then it will make me into the person who I don't want to be... if that makes sense?
I actually do know something of how you feel, and I know it is truly awful - and sometimes even something like knowing others are walking a similar path, can make us a feel a little better.
So keep posting and maybe we can all hash this out together.
i believe i know where these thoughts stemmed from. I started having intrusive thoughts about my family, the ones who you really DONT want them about, mother, grandfather etc.
i felt so bad and guilty that i thought to myself, surely i cant think of anything worse than this, surely nothing can make me feel guiltier than this. then it clicked. my OCD revolves very much around guilt and im scared of feeling guilty a lot of the time.
my boyfriend means everything to me. i know his family are important to him. because i was having incestuous thoughts about my own family, which affected me, they have now switched to my boyfriends. for example i will say aw i bet he doesnt imagine himself with his grandmother. then the thought will come into my head and i literally want to be sick. or i think, i bet his sister isnt sick like me and get thoughts about her own mother. then they thought will come into my head, the image and i internally just break down because i dont want these thoughts and the guilt is unbearable. there are other really sick thoughts i get too. i try and change them to my own family members, but sometimes it doesnt work.
my boyfriend is great but i know he wont be understanding about my OCD. i keep thinking to myself, i could end this all now by just confessing about my intrusive thoughts. what scares me is that sometimes my brain tells me to confess and it feels like i just could do that. im scared that when drunk or something it could all come out.
i feel really uncomfortable when he mentions his family. because the guilt is so extreme and unbearable. i keep thinking, what happens when my family memeber or his family members die and i have to sit there and know i got all these sick, horrid intrusive thoughts? i dont want them, they make me sick and i wish they would go away.
one that stuck was his grandfather, i labelled it the worst to have thoughts about him, because at the time i had got them about my own grandfather. the thoughts can be words or images. i dont know which i prefer, perhaps words because they are not as graphic and disturbing.
i had common OCD obsessions before, this one i had never heard of. i just feel so guilty and it wont go away. sometimes i feel like breaking up with my boyfriend because i feel like such a sick monster and he would kill me if he knew. these thoughts are sick and not normal. why is my brain thinking up the sickest stuff? why wont it let me forget?
this might help you:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/ocd-manager/id434829841?ls=1&mt=8
I was visiting the forum this evening and came across this young lady's posting. I haven't the time to properly respond at the moment, but I wish to graphically point out that the source of this young girl's problem is divulged within the very content of her postings and it has absolutely nothing to do with OCD of all things. Simply because the nature of unwanted intrusions is pervasive and repetitive does not equate with obsessional characteristics. There is also no element of compulsion being divulged here and I'm constrained to point out that in all true cases of actual OCD, the patient is driven to seek evaluation of the compulsions, not the obsession. In any instance where a client or patient is drawn to counsel or therapy by virtue of obsessions, then the very last differential diagnosis to be considered is OCD.
I wil return the moment time permits and would like to discuss this girl's dilemma in a more in-depth manner. This is, incidentally, an extremely common problem and its origins have nothing to do with obsession.
Best regards,
Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)
sirloungealot
16-01-15, 04:10
@inlove123
It must have taken a lot of courage to write your post. I can totally identify with the intrusive experiences you speak of. Since reading your post I have been researching sexual intrusive thoughts OCD. I realize this post is several years old and I'm curious to know how you are doing now. Have you participated in any therapy and if so has it changed your outlook? In addition to the intrusive thoughts we share in common I have major OCD in regards walking past/behind/approaching people. I am worried I will thrust my pelvis and thus look like I want to hump away at them. I'm 37 now but I've had this obsession since I was 13 or 14. It makes it difficult to be around people or even walk down the street. I'm always looking for an escape route. I listen for evidence of whether I did hump away, however miniscule the movement might have been, in the form of laughing or someone exclaiming "that's the perv" or "that's the one". If someone has seen me do it before they may exclaim "BOOM" or "POOP" in mockery. I've had this for so long but it's gotten worse over the last 10 years. I take meds - Lexapro, Risperdal and Effexor, and they help a lot. As a response to avoiding banging away at people I developed a major compulsion over the years. I'll tense up and change my gait when approaching someone or waddle, sometimes stumbling. My movements become so deliberate and I feel so much tension. If there's a group of people I get extra anxious. It's worse if someone has their back to me or is bending over. I feel very awkward and am so worried about looking like a major pervert. Between the ages of 18 and 24 I had gotten better about this sort of thing and was socially active. I wasn't a social butterfly, but could interact with people and live life. The bangaway factor was always still in the back of my head but I wasn't as focused on it as I have been since then.
I have a form of OCD called Pure-O which the young lady may have. I do not have physical compulsions just very intrusive thoughts.
Also I recently found a connection between a hormone imbalance and OCD/Anxiety-like symptoms.
Have you tried tracking your cycle? Have you had your thyroid checked?
hey, do not feel bad, i have these type of thoughts to as well, i actually come to this forum to read these post because it helps me and comforts me, but you cannot fight these thoughts or do any certain type of thing to make them go away you know? you just have to let them flow, no matter how bad these thoughts are, you just have to know yourself within, well there has to be a balance with everything, everything has a ying and yang to it, that's why i feel like we have these type of thoughts, because it balances our positive thoughts, well i hope this short reply helped in some sort of way, thank you :)
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.