View Full Version : What is it like being a man with anxiety!
Anxious_gal
15-08-11, 13:58
Men are expected in a way to be fearless and strong.
A man feeling emasculated is Like a woman feeling unattractive I'm guessing.
As a female it's more socially excepted for me to be scared or emotional and ask for support etc
I've read women go to the doctors a lot more than men, I expect men might try and tough it out first.
Just would love to hear what anxiety is like from a mans point of view : )
mtatum4496
15-08-11, 14:08
Well, it's not any fun for sure.
I think you are a hundred percent right on the toughing it out, Mishel. For a long time, I knew something was not right, but I put it down to stress (since I was under a LOT at the time) and honestly believed that once I got rid of that stress I would be okay. When I found myself feeling worse rather than better once I quit my job (the source of the stress), I got scared. But what to do?
It wasn't until 10 months later, while picking up friends at a major airport and experiencing a real bellwhopper of a panic attack that I finally admitted I had a problem that was way beyond stress and started to seek medical help. Even then, I went through a couple of doctors until I found one that laid out an exact plan for getting to the bottom of things and began to feel like I was getting somewhere.
Anxiety has done a number on my self-image. At times along the way, I have felt ineffectual, incompetent, a shell of a person who was taking up space. Even now when things are much better than they once were, I still have periods of feeling weak and ineffectual, unable to control my own destiny. I'm not sure those feelings are the province of men alone, but these are examples of the emotions that anxiety has triggered in me in the past and sometimes still does.
Men are expected in a way to be fearless and strong.
A man feeling emasculated is Like a woman feeling unattractive I'm guessing.
As a female it's more socially excepted for me to be scared or emotional and ask for support etc
I've read women go to the doctors a lot more than men, I expect men might try and tough it out first.
Just would love to hear what anxiety is like from a mans point of view : )
You're quite right Mishel. I think a lot of men suffer in silence. I often envy the way women can be open about emotions and feelings in a way that is all too often barred to men. I'm sure that's why male suicides are so much higher. Men don't have this safety valve so often resort to drinking or channeling their frustrations into sport or something. I have had bad experiences in the past where others have found out about my anxiety and it has pretty much been treated as a hilarious joke.
I avoided the doctors like the plague for years, but in the end I had to go, but chose a new doctor very carefully. I ended up with a great GP and at least can now face going there when I need to. I am lucky in that I have a supportive wife who I can talk to. She doesn't expect me to be 'fearless and strong' but appreciates my sensitive side, being good with the kids and being understanding of other peoples needs etc. My illness is hidden from just about everyone else though. I think most of us blokes would never get through without the women in our lives. I feel really sorry for those who are on their own.
Tyke :)
looking4answers
16-08-11, 02:33
I think mtatum expressed how most of us feel.
Well........ Like everyone here will understand regardless If they are male or female Its a living nightmare........ :ohmy: Anxiety however has made me look at myself in every way.
Its actually made me more self aware, more reflective and gradually able to open up more than I ever could have done before. Although I wish I could go back to that fateful day last December when I became unwell I actually think Anxiety has came into my life to teach me and make me a better person.
Its also put me in touch with some lovely people whom I would never have met If this had not happened to me. This all may sound strange however Its just my veiw on my own anxiety :)
Its a real bitch is the best way to describe it.
The trick is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight it.
If you let it win once it will win again so you just keep fighting til it gives up and goes away.
When it tells you you can't go out make a point of going out etc
In my case that took 5 yrs and I'm proud to say I've beaten it.
One of the biggest helps I had is this site so stay on here and learn.
Knowledge is a great weapon in beating it.
Phill :shades:
Interesting question Mishel.
Personally, I've found it quite hard.
For starters, it's difficult to keep the macho, warrior, toughguy image when you feel you're going to 'throw up' any minute, or you need to rush to the loo or you can't talk properly because your nerves have got the better of you!
I would like to meet the person who started the rumour and said that men are suppose to be a 'rock' at all times, and shake them firmly by the throat!
OK, I know that us men are suppose to be supportive, protective, a shoulder to cry on, kings of our castle etc, etc, to the lovely ladies, but we are pretty useless when it comes to looking after our own welfare.
I've suffered Anxiety for over 40 years and during that time it has resulted in two of the most beautiful women leaving me because they had problems understanding my illness, basically because it made me a weak person both physically and mentally. I had no support or compassion from either one because they couldn't deal with it, so they left.
Now alone, I have little chance of ever meeting someone else because of my Anxiety issues. Let's face it, who wants to be with a guy who has panick attacks, agoraphobia, social phobia, is shy, has no self esteem or confidence etc.
To be honest, I wouldn't want to go out with me!
Yes, it is tough being a man with this blasted illness.
Good post Mishel and thanks for asking.
You take care now.
Horse.
I can relate to what you're saying Horse
I was very lucky in that my wife ,while frightened and unable to understand the illness ,was very supportive.
I don't know how I would have coped in the beginning if not for her.
Phill :shades:
HarvestMoon
16-08-11, 22:38
I think I'm heading to where Horse is too. I wouldn't want to live with me!
evil monkey
19-08-11, 15:45
its good you asked this. you are absolutely bang on. i could write pages on it tbh. or write a book, and say someone else wrote it. not sure if there is an answer, if i knew what it was and it was within my control I'd already have done it.
i spose the phrase "man up" sums it up. if that phrase is accurate or not.
its not a macho thing tho. (altho the hero does tend to win -- or the more macho you are, the more likely you are to get the job done). But no one else is going to drive the success if I dont. (At the moment there isn't a positive answer to "how are you", so I either try and avoid those conversations or try and make it so that a negative answer doesnt matter)
when i was having panic attack nervous type symptoms b4 2010 (and i didnt know what it was) whether anyone else had any idea or not, they just used to take the mick out of me for beng a bit nutz (well, guys did. girls tend to just avoid). cant really blame 'em. ye that had gone on for about 10 years.
and on dating sites and that, course you arent going to admit you have anxiety or any of that stuff cuz girls will avoid and guys will find it amusing (altho like y'said female profiles do have that). which gets you a bit stuffed* when the first question someone asks is "how are you". unless they r also on a kind of medication so might accept it. i still havent figured out how to explain the reason i had to quit my last job (saying i had a panic attack is acceptable, but explaining the reason for the panic attack would end up in a pisstake. funny in a circle of life sort of way). which does sort of prevent me having a confident conversation of more than "hi" "hi" with them in the first place.
even in itself actually "panic attack" is a more 'masculine' description than 'anxiety'. lol
ye there's probably other stuff too
*this might be it.
At the moment there isn't a positive answer to "how are you", so I either try and avoid those conversations or try and make it so that a negative answer doesnt matter.
when i was having panic attack nervous type symptoms whether anyone else had any idea or not, they just used to take the mick out of me for beng a bit nutz (well, guys did. girls tend to just avoid).
and on dating sites and that, course you arent going to admit you have anxiety or any of that stuff cuz girls will avoid and guys will find it amusing (altho like y'said female profiles do have that). which gets you a bit stuffed* when the first question someone asks is "how are you". unless they r also on a kind of medication so might accept it. i still havent figured out how to explain the reason i had to quit my last job (saying i had a panic attack is acceptable, but explaining the reason for the panic attack would end up in a pisstake. funny in a circle of life sort of way). which does sort of prevent me having a confident conversation of more than "hi" "hi" with them in the first place.
Yeah, the 'how are you' is a bit waring isn't it. How many people who say that would ever want an honest answer. I've even had that said to me as a bit of a pisstake. 'How are you' with a smug self-satisfied grin from people who know I'm struggling like hell, just waiting for an amusing answer to broadcast to colleagues etc!
Don't give up on the dating though. Thankfully not everyone is the same and there are many women out there who will appreciate qualities other than the macho ones. Just try and be honest, but tread carefully at first. Don't overload them with your anxiety issues on a first date!
I know what you mean about the leaving work situation. You don't have to give full reasons for this until you know them better though. Sadly us blokes are very much defined by what we do (or not do) for a living. Is there anything you can do such as voluntary work that might help? This would give you something more to talk about and women will respect you more if they can see you are trying your best to improve your situation. It could even lead you into better paid employment.
Tyke :)
evil monkey
21-08-11, 16:24
lol. It doesnt usually get that far. if it does..well...u (royal yoo) dont normally have to tell someone ur nervous, for them to figure it out.
i have to say i havent been in a long term work situation where i actually knew i had anxiety. i had it, but didn't know i had it. i think they did tho.
the vol thing is a good idea, already tried it. couldnt really make smalltalk without sounding like i wanted life the universe and everything to disappear. i either need something which is directly helping me achieve goals (so I know I'm progressing each day), or somewhere where i dont think about.....anything. not sure how do-able that is.
You are very right I agree about the work thing meaning more than just a paypacket. It's a persons capability. (and making a difference). 'Whatever other cr** is going on at the moment and whatever else messes up today, I did this'.
I've only just come across this thread because of events but I wanted to say something in reply...
Horse,
You said the following...
For starters, it's difficult to keep the macho, warrior, toughguy image....
I've suffered Anxiety for over 40 years and during that time it has resulted in two of the most beautiful women leaving me because they had problems understanding my illness, basically because it made me a weak person both physically and mentally. I had no support or compassion from either one because they couldn't deal with it, so they left.
Now alone, I have little chance of ever meeting someone else because of my Anxiety issues. Let's face it, who wants to be with a guy who has panick attacks, agoraphobia, social phobia, is shy, has no self esteem or confidence etc.
To be honest, I wouldn't want to go out with me!
I always enjoy reading your posts because they're always full of wisdom said through a compassionate nature towards others but I really don't feel you're doing the same for yourself.
Firstly, not every woman wants the macho, warrior, toughguy image. They may find themselves attracted to men like that on the surface but often these men don't have the kind caring sensitive side to their personality that you have.
It works the same way. It appears that these two most beautiful women didn't have the appreciation what they held in their grasp. I don't feel the fault lied with you but rather that they didn't have the caring understanding nature that you deserve.
Therefore, in answer to your question who would want you, I'd say alot of women who have similar personalities to you because they would understand how you're feeling.
They say there is someone for everyone in this world and I believe you have Alot to offer that someone out there would appreciate because there are some really nasty people out there and you most certainly are Not one of them so be kinder to yourself.
Put another way, if you were a woman (not that you'd want to be!), the issues you dislike about yourself certainly wouldn't put me off.:winks:
Speaking about myself and my anxiety, I think when I was younger I would feel ashamed of how I felt, the things I did to myself and I'd try to hide my tears but now I feel if people can't understand me then so be it because there are plenty I know who would, and alot of them are on here. There are alot of ignorant people but there are also others who understand or who are willing to listen.
I confess that if I were a woman I think I would find things easier to let go but then I can't help being a man and I can't change what I am.
And Horse, don't try and change. Just keep on being "you" because the world needs men like you.:winks:
i think all our anxiety is the same but yet we like to explain it to each other in a differant way because we dont understand the feeling of it and how it is affecting us.
I was thinking about this today. Im more emotional and sensitive than I used to be. I still try keep a macho look but its not the same. My family know im fragile know so im self concious about that. Same goes with my mates. Sometimes I just get all upset and want to cry, and this doesnt do much for my self confidence. I even find myself crying over films in emotional bits, i never used to be like that. It was just a film to me, actors. I watched 'The Road' not long ago, and i was balling my eyes out lol.
My Dad has suffered all of my lifetime with anxiety and panic attacks, in fact before I was even born he suffered a nervous breakdown.
I don't know whether my Dad feels emasculated because of this, but I don't think so. From my own point of view my Dad has been the best Dad in the world, has always been there for me - especially when I became ill myself with the same things..I would not be here now without him) and I have only ever sat in admiration for him that he has lived with his illnesses and still been a fantastic Father.
It must be hard for a man. They are still seen as the ones who are meant to be strong, but being unwell is not a weakness. It is the perception that mental illness is NOT an illness that is the culprit here. That is it a weakness somehow, when in fact it is an illness just like any other. The only difference is you can't see it like a physical one.
Men should not have to feel they are a letdown of any kind for having anxiety/depression/panic. It takes a strong person to face their conditions.
WillyB,
You're not alone. Lots of films and music make me cry. Literally anything that moves me will get me going! I do think to myself that a grown man shouldn't be like it but, that's me! I can't control it. But WillyB, look at it another way - it shows what a sensitive caring fella you are so be Proud to be What makes you who you are. If we were all macho blokes, alot of women would feel unimportant and unloved because they would have no one like you who they would feel understands them.:winks:
Debs:hugs:
A lovely post as usual!:winks:
my Dad has been the best Dad in the world, has always been there for me - especially when I became ill myself with the same things..I would not be here now without him) and I have only ever sat in admiration for him that he has lived with his illnesses and still been a fantastic Father.
I reckon what your Dad went through made him Strong despite his anxiety but that it was also actually his experience of anxiety that enabled him to empathise with you and support you. Just goes to show, that what many of us blokes would consider a weakness is actually a strength because it enables us to deeply care and look after those we love, and so as your Dad has proved, there could be none better! My Dad was just the same as yours Debs which is why I still miss him so very much even though he passed away 6 years ago.
And Debs..........for your Fantastic Father to love, care and support you so much, it just shows what a Fantastic Daughter he believes he must have, and judging by your posts, I'd have to agree with him.:winks::hugs:Thanks for making "this bloke" feel better about being himself.:hugs:
Anxious_gal
18-09-11, 03:17
Despite what society says, It is ok to be human, it's ok to cry and to have feelings, it ok to be scared for no reason at all.
Just remember that next time you feel bad for having anxiety x
:hugs:
Its a real bitch is the best way to describe it.
The trick is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight it.
If you let it win once it will win again so you just keep fighting til it gives up and goes away.
When it tells you you can't go out make a point of going out etc
In my case that took 5 yrs and I'm proud to say I've beaten it.
One of the biggest helps I had is this site so stay on here and learn.
Knowledge is a great weapon in beating it.
Phill :shades:
Phil I assume when you say "fight it" you mean accept that is is there and carry on regardless. This is what all the books say, Acceptance, is the best cure. Me I like to think that anxiety has not held me back but I wonder if I had not suffered with it all my life what else I may have done?
Mee
I'm a married man with two children. For the last couple of years, I've been hampered by generalised anxiety on most days. Beyond the direct inconvenience to my work and home life, the anxiety has undermined my confidence. I tend to approach each day in "survival mode", just looking for a safe path through, and I've become very uncomfortable with change and unknowns. In turn, this has affected my ability to make decisions that I fear might backfire if I subsequently have a "bad day", so I've become unambitious and risk-averse. I'm very much aware that this isn't the way that a "traditional male" is supposed to behave.
I'm lucky to have a wonderful wife who is kind, understanding and prepared to help me out in a practical way whenever she can. Our shared frustration, though, is that I find it very difficult to explain what I'm going through and my wife has little idea how to respond to my discomfort anyway. My wife is pragmatic and level-headed -- she takes things as they come and rarely gets stressed by worries of the "what if" type -- so my type of anxiety is unknown territory for her.
With my wife's help, we're hobbling together through day-to-day life, and we're reasonably happy overall. I often feel, though, that I'm not playing a proper male role and I'm saddened by the reflection that I could have achieved much more for our family if I weren't held back by my anxiety.
Bill.
Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words.
Full of compassion, integrity and encouragement!
Stay strong my friend.
Horse.
Debs:hugs:
A lovely post as usual!:winks:
my Dad has been the best Dad in the world, has always been there for me - especially when I became ill myself with the same things..I would not be here now without him) and I have only ever sat in admiration for him that he has lived with his illnesses and still been a fantastic Father.
I reckon what your Dad went through made him Strong despite his anxiety but that it was also actually his experience of anxiety that enabled him to empathise with you and support you. Just goes to show, that what many of us blokes would consider a weakness is actually a strength because it enables us to deeply care and look after those we love, and so as your Dad has proved, there could be none better! My Dad was just the same as yours Debs which is why I still miss him so very much even though he passed away 6 years ago.
And Debs..........for your Fantastic Father to love, care and support you so much, it just shows what a Fantastic Daughter he believes he must have, and judging by your posts, I'd have to agree with him.:winks::hugs:Thanks for making "this bloke" feel better about being himself.:hugs:
Oh, thank you Bill. Such a kind thing to say.:blush:
Yes, I think you are right. My Dad has always been sensitive, caring and made my sister and I feel so cherished, and I do think his hardships and struggle with mental health problems have given us such a resilient, loving Father as you rightly say.
He has also proved that having mental health issues as a man does not mean that other areas of your life have to lack or even stop. In fact they can benefit.
Personally, I would admire any man who is battling mental health issues as I know that it must surely mean they are a sensitive human being, which to me is far more important than any other quality.
So sorry about your Dad Bill...the close ones we lose leave an unfillable hole in our lives when they leave us, no matter how time heals.xxx:hugs:
Chronic911
20-09-11, 21:05
I have always felt weak being a man and suffering from things depression, anxiety, and panic. I know these things occur more frequently in females but they are not gender specific. I know several males from other forums who suffer with these same debilitating disorders.
debs71>>>>>How long has your dad suffered with these conditions? Does he take meds?
debs71>>>>>How long has your dad suffered with these conditions? Does he take meds?
Hi,
My Dad has suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for almost 45 years I would say. Although this does sound horrendous, and would not instill much hope for us as sufferers, please do bear in mind that he has has two severe episodes (breakdowns) and the rest of the time has had what I would describe as sporadic flare ups with his anxiety and panic.
His anxiety/panic has impacted on certain things like driving alone (he was in two bad car crashes in his youth and I think this instigated his panic attacks when driving). This has always been something we have accepted as a family, and just worked around.
My Dad takes two meds - propanalol (which he has taken for more than 30 years I think) and also Cipralex (Escitalopram).
My Dad is my hero. Without him I would not have survived this far.
xxx:hugs:
Horse:),
You're welcome. I was only being honest and truthful. I sincerely meant every word. You've been a good friend to Many of us on here.
Debs:hugs:,
Personally, I would admire any man who is battling mental health issues as I know that it must surely mean they are a sensitive human being, which to me is far more important than any other quality.
EVERY man who feels bad about having mental health issues should print your post to remind them that there are Lovely women like you who think very highly of their qualities that they overlook.
As you say Debs, if your Dad didn't have his sensitive personality, he wouldn't have empathy and all his other admirable qualities so other men with his attributes should really feel proud for being who they are. They probably need Lovely women like you to convince them!:hugs:
Chronic911,
I know these things occur more frequently in females
I wonder...do they? Or is it that more men feel they have to hide their feelings so won't admit it because they're afraid of appearing weak? I honestly don't know. It's just a thought.:shrug:
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