Ellie01
15-08-11, 16:13
It’s hard knowing where to start with these, so, I’ll start from the beginning.
About 2 years ago I was doing my usual Tube commute across London, 45 minutes of standing up from East to West, anyone who’s been on a packed tube in rush hour knows what I mean by saying I literally felt like a sardine in a can. I had been in London for 6 months and things were going well, good job, nice home etc. Until that morning, I don’t know if it was the heat or the fact I hadn’t eaten or got my full 8 hours sleep, maybe the combination of all, but I started to feel uncomfortable. My heart started racing, my head was spinning, all I wanted to do was get off or at least sit down. I couldn’t do either, with no idea what was going on and no where to go I just stood there and went into what would become my first full on panic attack, my vision starting going blotchy and eventually went into darkness. I could hear distant voices start to say ‘is she ok?’. The next thing I knew a young couple had their arms around me and were carrying me through the crowd, off the train and onto the platform. They sat me on a seat, put my head between my legs and even gave me their water. They stayed with me until my sight came back and I was feeling strong enough to carry on with my journey. Their kindness that day was something that in time would be one of the things that would help me through the hellish year ahead. After they left I waited on that platform and watched as train after train went by, hoping that one would go past with just one free seat for me, I was terrified of standing up and the same thing happening again, this was the start of vicious circle of terror I (and many of you) would come to know well. That train didn’t come, and even if it had have I wasn’t sure if I’d want to get on it, so I walked the 4 miles to work. I was exhausted that day, I felt like I’d run the marathon.
I worried the next morning about the same thing happening again: it did. I found the only way around it was to get up two hours earlier when the tubes were empty. I’d make excuses as to why I’d have to leave work early or work slowly so I could stay late. Anything to get a seat home. I suddenly went from being a strong, confident girl to being a constant nervous wreck.
One lunchtime I was queuing for my sandwich, I started feeling uncomfortable in the queue, desperate for the people infront of me to hurry up. My heartbeat started going up, the lightheadedness coming on, I looked desperately for the quickest way out. I didn’t want to draw attention so I quietly put my food back and walked out. I started asking my colleague to get my lunch. I couldn’t go into shops anymore, I dreaded it. I would wait for my housemate to go food shopping so I could go with him. I started to feel awful, alone, and lost. I was also in a very new relationship with someone I adored and was terrified they would think I was crazy. They didn’t need to deal with this? And what is this? I didn’t even know how to explain it, I knew it sounded completely irrational, if I knew that why was it still happening?
I eventually moved across London closer to my work so I could walk in. Then the peak came, I couldn’t cross the road anymore, waiting on the traffic island with 20 other people while the traffic shot past either side of me I started to panic.
It spiraled fast, happening everywhere, the cinema, the theatre, I became a nervous wreck. Terrified of doing anything incase it brought it on. I went to see a GP and as soon as I sat down I burst into tears. He suspected depression immediately. I had become down because of this, it was ruining my life, but the attacks were the problem not depression, he offered me drugs but for now I wanted to see if I could get through this any other way.
I asked if I could see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, I was told there was a long waiting list and before being put forward I’d have to be tested for heart problems to ensure there wasn’t an underlying cause. It could take months. In the meantime I started on a course of citalopram. Every area of my life had become seriously effected and I was now desperate to make things right again.
My heart tests showed some very slight problems, so they started referring me everywhere to get things checked out. Different scans etc, all with waiting lists. During this time I had sickness and the citalopram became ineffective for a few days. I had massive withdrawal symptoms, I felt like I was going crazy. I contemplated whether it was worth carrying on, and whether I wanted to, whether I had the strength to. Then I remembered the girl I was before and I decided I wouldn’t let this beat me.
Eventually, my GP referred me to see a therapist. A couple of months later I received a letter in the post saying I didn’t qualify to see anyone. Refusing not to go back to square one I demanded another referral, after another month of waiting I got what I wanted.
The therapist I had was kind and thoughtful. She was a good listener and I think a lot of it was just speaking to someone who understood. She wasn’t much older than me and although I knew she’d read the books, got the degree and knew what she was talking about, I always had that niggling feeling at the back of my head... how much can you truly understand something without having actually had it happen to you? She helped me though, but she made it clear from the start that in order to be helped you have to want to help yourself. And she wasn’t wrong. Although seeing a therapist faced me in the right direction, all the work is your own, you can’t walk in there and have them flash a wand and it all goes away, it takes dedication and a want to get better. One of the things she said to me that really helped me was very simple really, but it made sense... she said who is really going to care? If you go down the supermarket today and you start to feel it coming on, look around you and just think to yourself, who cares? So, I feel a little faint, a little dizzy maybe, the whole supermarket’s not going to stop and start pointing and staring at me like I’ve got two heads. What they will do, if it comes to that, is they’ll help me, like that lovely couple on the tube. The large majority of people in the world have had things happen to them too, bad things, they aren’t going to fault you for having something happen to you too. It may seem like a big scary deal, but really it’s not, it’s just a little hiccup and you’ll get through it. If you’re worried a bout the physical effects, don’t be, a panic attack cannot hurt you at all, in any way. Take your time when you do things, but under no circumstances should you stop doing them. When you are standing in a queue just be aware that if you don’t feel great, fine, you’ll just go and sit down for a minute then you’ll try again, yes you’ll have to go to the back of the queue but at least you’ll be in it. I saw a very old tramp pushing a shopping trolly of his possesions down the the middle of a busy London street this morning with a dog on top, no one even looked over. If he can do that, I can manage standing in a little queue. I can manage going to the cinema and I can certainly manage crossing a road!
If you’re lying in bed at night and you can’t sleep. Don’t lay there and worry for hours on end, either get up and watch tv or read for half an hour then try again, or, what I’ve found works for me, is count down from 100. Really focus on it, say to yourself, right, I’m going to count down now, every number is a box, see those boxes and pack your worries into them one by one until your head clears. In a lot of cases, you’ll be asleep by the time you reach 20. Or, as terrible as this seems, think of a friend or someone you know who’s not had much luck recently. Whatever’s happened to them (and I’m sure you’ve been there for them), and remember how lucky you really are, and know that you can get through this.
There’s a book by Daniel Carnegie called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. I get fed up with reading very fast but this is one that I love to read before bed, it’s got beautiful quotes and wonderful trues stories and is a very lovely read. It also has in it what has become my favorite quote:
“Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what clearly at hand”
So don’t worry about tomorrow, plan, but don’t worry, do what you can and then let yourself relax. After what we’ve all dealt with, we deserve it. I’m no stronger than you so if I can do it, you can I promise you.
About 2 years ago I was doing my usual Tube commute across London, 45 minutes of standing up from East to West, anyone who’s been on a packed tube in rush hour knows what I mean by saying I literally felt like a sardine in a can. I had been in London for 6 months and things were going well, good job, nice home etc. Until that morning, I don’t know if it was the heat or the fact I hadn’t eaten or got my full 8 hours sleep, maybe the combination of all, but I started to feel uncomfortable. My heart started racing, my head was spinning, all I wanted to do was get off or at least sit down. I couldn’t do either, with no idea what was going on and no where to go I just stood there and went into what would become my first full on panic attack, my vision starting going blotchy and eventually went into darkness. I could hear distant voices start to say ‘is she ok?’. The next thing I knew a young couple had their arms around me and were carrying me through the crowd, off the train and onto the platform. They sat me on a seat, put my head between my legs and even gave me their water. They stayed with me until my sight came back and I was feeling strong enough to carry on with my journey. Their kindness that day was something that in time would be one of the things that would help me through the hellish year ahead. After they left I waited on that platform and watched as train after train went by, hoping that one would go past with just one free seat for me, I was terrified of standing up and the same thing happening again, this was the start of vicious circle of terror I (and many of you) would come to know well. That train didn’t come, and even if it had have I wasn’t sure if I’d want to get on it, so I walked the 4 miles to work. I was exhausted that day, I felt like I’d run the marathon.
I worried the next morning about the same thing happening again: it did. I found the only way around it was to get up two hours earlier when the tubes were empty. I’d make excuses as to why I’d have to leave work early or work slowly so I could stay late. Anything to get a seat home. I suddenly went from being a strong, confident girl to being a constant nervous wreck.
One lunchtime I was queuing for my sandwich, I started feeling uncomfortable in the queue, desperate for the people infront of me to hurry up. My heartbeat started going up, the lightheadedness coming on, I looked desperately for the quickest way out. I didn’t want to draw attention so I quietly put my food back and walked out. I started asking my colleague to get my lunch. I couldn’t go into shops anymore, I dreaded it. I would wait for my housemate to go food shopping so I could go with him. I started to feel awful, alone, and lost. I was also in a very new relationship with someone I adored and was terrified they would think I was crazy. They didn’t need to deal with this? And what is this? I didn’t even know how to explain it, I knew it sounded completely irrational, if I knew that why was it still happening?
I eventually moved across London closer to my work so I could walk in. Then the peak came, I couldn’t cross the road anymore, waiting on the traffic island with 20 other people while the traffic shot past either side of me I started to panic.
It spiraled fast, happening everywhere, the cinema, the theatre, I became a nervous wreck. Terrified of doing anything incase it brought it on. I went to see a GP and as soon as I sat down I burst into tears. He suspected depression immediately. I had become down because of this, it was ruining my life, but the attacks were the problem not depression, he offered me drugs but for now I wanted to see if I could get through this any other way.
I asked if I could see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, I was told there was a long waiting list and before being put forward I’d have to be tested for heart problems to ensure there wasn’t an underlying cause. It could take months. In the meantime I started on a course of citalopram. Every area of my life had become seriously effected and I was now desperate to make things right again.
My heart tests showed some very slight problems, so they started referring me everywhere to get things checked out. Different scans etc, all with waiting lists. During this time I had sickness and the citalopram became ineffective for a few days. I had massive withdrawal symptoms, I felt like I was going crazy. I contemplated whether it was worth carrying on, and whether I wanted to, whether I had the strength to. Then I remembered the girl I was before and I decided I wouldn’t let this beat me.
Eventually, my GP referred me to see a therapist. A couple of months later I received a letter in the post saying I didn’t qualify to see anyone. Refusing not to go back to square one I demanded another referral, after another month of waiting I got what I wanted.
The therapist I had was kind and thoughtful. She was a good listener and I think a lot of it was just speaking to someone who understood. She wasn’t much older than me and although I knew she’d read the books, got the degree and knew what she was talking about, I always had that niggling feeling at the back of my head... how much can you truly understand something without having actually had it happen to you? She helped me though, but she made it clear from the start that in order to be helped you have to want to help yourself. And she wasn’t wrong. Although seeing a therapist faced me in the right direction, all the work is your own, you can’t walk in there and have them flash a wand and it all goes away, it takes dedication and a want to get better. One of the things she said to me that really helped me was very simple really, but it made sense... she said who is really going to care? If you go down the supermarket today and you start to feel it coming on, look around you and just think to yourself, who cares? So, I feel a little faint, a little dizzy maybe, the whole supermarket’s not going to stop and start pointing and staring at me like I’ve got two heads. What they will do, if it comes to that, is they’ll help me, like that lovely couple on the tube. The large majority of people in the world have had things happen to them too, bad things, they aren’t going to fault you for having something happen to you too. It may seem like a big scary deal, but really it’s not, it’s just a little hiccup and you’ll get through it. If you’re worried a bout the physical effects, don’t be, a panic attack cannot hurt you at all, in any way. Take your time when you do things, but under no circumstances should you stop doing them. When you are standing in a queue just be aware that if you don’t feel great, fine, you’ll just go and sit down for a minute then you’ll try again, yes you’ll have to go to the back of the queue but at least you’ll be in it. I saw a very old tramp pushing a shopping trolly of his possesions down the the middle of a busy London street this morning with a dog on top, no one even looked over. If he can do that, I can manage standing in a little queue. I can manage going to the cinema and I can certainly manage crossing a road!
If you’re lying in bed at night and you can’t sleep. Don’t lay there and worry for hours on end, either get up and watch tv or read for half an hour then try again, or, what I’ve found works for me, is count down from 100. Really focus on it, say to yourself, right, I’m going to count down now, every number is a box, see those boxes and pack your worries into them one by one until your head clears. In a lot of cases, you’ll be asleep by the time you reach 20. Or, as terrible as this seems, think of a friend or someone you know who’s not had much luck recently. Whatever’s happened to them (and I’m sure you’ve been there for them), and remember how lucky you really are, and know that you can get through this.
There’s a book by Daniel Carnegie called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. I get fed up with reading very fast but this is one that I love to read before bed, it’s got beautiful quotes and wonderful trues stories and is a very lovely read. It also has in it what has become my favorite quote:
“Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what clearly at hand”
So don’t worry about tomorrow, plan, but don’t worry, do what you can and then let yourself relax. After what we’ve all dealt with, we deserve it. I’m no stronger than you so if I can do it, you can I promise you.