View Full Version : Eating Disorder - Warning - possibly triggering
Morning guys
Finally thought I had better start a new post as the old one Binge eating (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=8817) was over 50 pages.
Have not had a good night. I was planning on going to bed at about 11.30pm when the diarrhoea started again and kept me up until 2.00am.
Finally managed to get to sleep and was then woken at 5.00am with further stomach pains and more diarrhoea. I haven't really been able to sleep properly since. I know this is self-inflicted but I am so tired still, and have woken with a sore throat - hope I am not getting the latest cold that is doing the rounds at the clinic.
I am seeing my dietician at 11.00 this morning although on the way I have been feeling recently I'll be half asleep again by then [|)].
I want to turn this into a positive day (after all the recent negative ones) and get on with some of the jobs I have been meaning to do around the flat for the past few weeks. I am just not sure I have the energy to do any of it.
At the moment it looks like I have a problem with hoarding things when in fact I can't stand clutter [:O]. So I need to have a real sort through things, tidy up and get rid of what I don't want or need. In my head I am in the frame of mind to do it, but my body is not matching my good intentions. The furthest I've got so far is the sorting out of paperwork (whenever I did that - can't even remember now [:I]) and last night finally shredded all the paperwork I no longer need.
The weather seems a bit brighter here this morning too, but I have 101 things I need to do here - ironing, washing then more ironing, cleaning, vacuuming, dusting etc etc etc. I feel worn out just thinking about it all. I know I could spread these jobs out a bit but as my tenancy is up for renewal I don't know whether the landlord/agent will want to inspect the flat before renewing the tenancy. I've not heard anything from them and don't know how these things work. My tenancy is up on 27 May. I don't even know whether it is going to be renewed. I'll be homeless if not [:O].
Anyway, trying to motivate myself to get up, have a bath etc but not succeeding at the moment [8)].
Karen xx
Morning Karen
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Just thought I'd make your new place look cheerful - I'm sure Piglet will come along and do it better than I can!!!!
Well done for the PMA this morning - I'm sure your poor old bod will have trouble doing what you want it to but if you start being nice to it it will get there!
I hate doing personal admin stuff...it just never goes away does it - wouldn't it be lovely to just dump the lot and wait and see what happened - it wouldn't take long for it all to build up again!!!
I'm glad you're seeing the dietician - she's always really positive for you - and while it's so nice maybe you could go for a little walk? How is the seafront? I used to walk annie at glyne gap when I was visiting my mum - it was lovely up there...
That's made me wonder - have you thought about a pet? I'd rather have a dog than a person to be honest - that's real love[8D][8D] I don't know if you even like animals much? But a dog gets you out and about, meeting people, exercise, fresh air, company, love, responsibility.... If I didn't have to work I would have another one immediately!
I hope you manage to get some stuff done this morning and that the day goes well for you!
((((HUGS))))
Loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
nomorepanic
10-05-06, 08:35
Karen
Sorry you had a bad night.
Try not to let it get on top of you and do one thing at a time. If it helps then make a list and then tick the things off once done. I am sure the tenancy thing will be fine. Why not call them and ask what happens so you don't get any nasty surprises nearer the time.
27th May - that is my big 40th birthday - haha
Hope you feel better later
xx
Nicola
Hi Fee
It was a good attempt at a positive mental attitude wasn't it [^]?!? In reality I don't know how much of it I will get done but the shredding was strangely therapeutic :D.
It's because I let all the admin and paperwork build up that there was so much to go through [:O] [Duh!]. But at least that is one job out of the way. Now for the hundred others on the list [:O].
Sarah - my dietician - is lovely and she is so keen to help me and it does help to have someone who really has an understanding of eating disorders. If only she was a therapist too lol! She tries her best with suggestions to help and it must be frustrating for her knowing there is a limit to what she can do until some of the psychological problems are dealt with.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That's made me wonder - have you thought about a pet?<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 10 May 2006 : 08:25:39</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can't have pets here because it's a rented flat. I did have two cats before I moved but had to take them to be rehomed. It was heartbreaking and one of the hardest things I've had to do :(:(:(.
Thanks for the hugs and the decorations aunty.
Karen xx
Hi Nic
Thanks for your reply. The bad night was my own fault and I only have myself to blame but it's like a compulsion to do it to myself and this morning I feel better for a while because I am so empty. The trouble is the whole cycle starts again as soon as I eat anything [Sigh...]
Making a list is a good idea. I am just feeling bad about myself for letting things slide when I am naturally a tidy person and at the moment there seems to be stuff all over the place. Maybe a good clearing out and tidying up session will help me feel a little better about the time I do spend here.
It is also sensible to find out about the tenancy. I think I'll email the managing agents later and see what happens. I need to read through my agreement but I am sure the landlord would've had to give me notice by now if it wasn't going to be renewed.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">27th May - that is my big 40th birthday - haha
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 10 May 2006 : 08:35:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Wow Nic - life begins at 40 - or so they say :D[^];). Still hope for me yet then! Are you having a big celebration?
Karen xx
This is nice new place :D
It does need a few of my paintings and perhaps I need to get the rasp out to do a little carving. I haven't used the rasp for a while :D:D:D was considering using it on my hard skin but then haven't had to since cleaning the lining on my flip flops with a toothbrush, as now they have the texture of sandpaper every outing is a souce of exfoliation [:I].
Make a small list of the chores to be achieved and just take only one off the list to do - when that's done if you feel like having a go at another well you can, if not then that can wait for another day. Doing even one means that day you achieved something.
Off to draw around my feet and then colour in the corresponding body parts - love a bit of colouring. I have a big text book and my colors all to hand and sit in the front room to study then I can have a good nose outside to see what people are up - I shall report any good goings on later :D:D:D Someone's having wooden ventians fitted later so it's all happening!!!!!!
Big hug
Piglet xx
LOL Piglet!!! :D
Your poor feet every time you wear those flip flops [:O].
The painting sounds good and very therapeutic too! Is this to do with your reflexology course?
Feel free to help decorate the new place [8D].
Look forward to further reports later when I get back [^].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear you had a bad night, I hope you feel better later and that the appointment with the dietician went well.
Nice new place [^]:D:), here have some positive vibes too
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
oh and a nice big (((((hug)))))
Good luck with getting the jobs done, don't overdo it though.
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Lol Piglet - sounds like you're on neighbourhood watch today!
Hi Karen,
I hope your appointment with your dietician has gone well.
I find sorting theraputic too. I find i'm least motivated to sort through paperwork, but once i've done it, it feels good.
Take Care, :)
Heather
Thank you Lisa and Heather.
I haven't really achieved too much today. I have sorted out some of the stuff that was scattered all over the floor into these new baskets I bought the other week. So at least it looks a bit tidier now.
I've also put clean bed linen on the bed, which desperately needed doing as I'm ashamed to say I can't remember when I last did this [:I], when I used to change it every week.
Put washing in the machine and then will have another pile of ironing to do [Sigh...].
However, I haven't hoovered or dusted which both desperately need doing.
The appointment with Sarah was ok. There really isn't much she can do to help me. As she said I need the psychological help and also to find the will to change and so far neither of these things are happening. She still keeps trying though and is willing to continue seeing me.
I stopped off at Tescos on the way home, which is part of a retail park. I was so focused after leaving my meeting with Sarah but then bought some of these chocolate Highlight biscuits. So stupid :(. There are 75 calories in each bag but they only come in mutipacks of 6. I should ruin them with bleach now and dump them before I get tempted. Also bought today's supply of laxatives.
Then, because it is embarrassing buying too many in one place, I went next door to Boots to buy tomorrow's supply. Even though it is such a lovely day I have to plan my day around taking the laxatives and so came home then to take today's quota. This is so hopefully I'll get all the diarrhoea out of the way before it gets too late tonight so I can get to bed at a reasonable time. What a stupid way to live my life but I can't stop myself.
I guess the only good thing now is that I feel sick and have indigestion from all the laxatives so I don't feel like eating.
Also have a migraine still and am very tired so might try to have a nap for a while [|)]. If last night is anything to go by though I'll soon be running to the loo and therefore not able to sleep. My stomach is making complaining noises already [xx(]. It would be so much simpler if I could find the willpower to go back to restricting without these binge urges.
Karen xx
Hi Nigel
Thanks for the decorations!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">75 calories x 6 is less than your daily allowance, and that’s low by most standards. I think if you can find a way to come to terms with that fact, then they won’t pose any threat. And when things don’t pose a threat then we stop thinking about them.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Maybe but I see it as failure that I bought them in the first place. In fact the whole pack is more than my daily allowance and so I can't give in and eat them. At the moment it is ok because I don't want to eat anything after taking the laxatives, but it will be in a few hours when these wear off.
I kind of need to not tip them in the bin and spoil them with bleach to prove to myself that I have the willpower to resist, but when it comes down to it I am not sure I do. After all, these were not on my shopping list.
I had planned to buy fruit, a pre-cooked chicken breast and some baked beans for tea but ended up with these biscuits as well.
So wish I could sleep for a while after these tummy pains settle, as I know I will be hit by a second wave of pains and diarrhoea later. Not sure if the first lot is the result of the Xenical, and the second due to the laxatives, which would make more sense in a way.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">“Where there’s a will there’s a way”
I think finding the will – a reason – is the key. I think having the will to want to change can achieve far more than all the best psychological help in the world. We just need to keep searching for that ‘will’ Karen. It’s out there somewhere...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I agree I don't have the will and that's half the problem. I want to feel happier and live a normal life, but I don't want to eat, or at least I can't allow myself to eat because I want to lose weight. I can't get past that at present. It consumes my every waking moment.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
hey karen,
Isnt it strange to be on page one, i have no doubt that it will be goin up quickly coz we all care for you sooo much and want to try and make u happy!!! so im not gonno go on at u at all about anything!! just gonno give u a huge hug!! and let u know im thinkin of u!!
(((((((((karen)))))))))))
Ammegxxxx
Hi Karen.
I'm glad the appointment went ok with the dietician. I know she can't help that much but did she have any useful tips this time?
You say you haven't really achieved too much today, but then you list all the things you've done and they ARE achievements so well done. Just because you haven't done every job you wanted doesn't mean you haven't achieved. Try and focus on the good things you did rather than what you didn't do, you've done really well and don't have to complete every job to have achieved.
I hope you're not too ill with the laxatives and the pills etc, I really wish you could find it in you to start cutting them down, it can't be good to have diorrhoea every day and it isn't pleasant for you either.
Hope you managed to have a nice nap,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 16:41
You're doing really well, Karen. See if you can limit yourself with the biscuits- perhaps this is the best way of proving to yourself you can have some control (though at certain times of the month I have none with chocolate!!)
I am glad Sarah is still being useful to you.
Go careful with the tablets honey,
take care,
Hannah
xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi all
Ammeg: Thanks for the hug. It is much appreciated.
Lisa: The dietician suggested setting smaller goals, rather than setting myself up for failure - my words - by setting my expectations too high. She also said to write down daily achievements to focus on the positives and hopefully reduce my need to punish myself. The problem is I minimise what others tell me are achievements because I don't think anything I do is good enough and my core belief that I am bad and deserve to be mistreated, either by others or myself, is so strong that it is not going to disappear overnight.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hope you're not too ill with the laxatives and the pills etc, I really wish you could find it in you to start cutting them down, it can't be good to have diorrhoea every day and it isn't pleasant for you either.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 10 May 2006 : 16:35:36</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Er I have been too ill to nap so far but the problem with purging without bingeing first, or even eating anything is that there is nothing really to get rid of except fluid. So the stomach pains are more intense. This is what I believe I deserve but you are right that it isn't very pleasant.
I suppose I need to eat something really so that I have something to get rid of. I really need some sleep too.
Hannah: The biscuits remain unopened in the fridge at present but if I start eating anything I will get tempted. I want to get rid of the whole lot because I am trying to restrict calories and lose weight. I know control would be to have one packet and leave the others where they are but I don't trust myself. Might have to spoil 5 packs and leave just one and see how long I can resist for.
Karen xx
Hi Karen
I knew all the showoffs would be along to do fancy dex lol!!!!
It's very nice in here though so I won't feel to inadequate, just enjoy it!
I'm glad you are still finding it supportive seeing Sarah - she sounds lovely!
Actually it sounds like you've done loads today - aren't clean sheets the best... I'd love to have crisp white linen sheets on my bed every day but it's really hard work changing sheets and stuff....
Not a bad day all in all, keep focussing on the things you ARE doing well and ARE achieving eh?
Weather is great isn't it but even for me it's been a bit too humid this afternoon, feels a bit stormy...
What about that walk on the seafront eh? Maybe you can put that on your list of things to do in the near future!!!!
Take care hun
Loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
The goals from Sarah sound sensible, do you think you can manage any of them?
I hope your tummy settles down and that you have a relaxing evening - as you are not bad sis you are kind and lovely [8D].
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa and Fee.
Fee: LOL!! There has been some serious decorating taking place in here today and I didn't have to lift a finger :D.
I suppose compared to a normal day when I would stay in bed all day, I have managed to do some of the jobs from my list. I suppose it makes sense to spread them out a bit really as the 3 days from Friday to Sunday are hardest for me.
Definitely would've loved a walk along the seafront today if it wasn't for this darned compulsion to get home and purge. I am skipping the bingeing bit completely now (at times) and purge even when I've not eaten.
I love the warm, sunny weather although it is posing new dilemmas for me at the moment. I have been wearing the same clothes - well a couple of sets of identical clothes - since gaining weight because I need to hide my body which I believe is hugely obese. It is another reason I change into my pyjamas and get into bed as soon as I get home because I can hide my body that way.
Now though I don't want anyone to see how fat I am but I can't keep hiding in fleecy tops in this weather - another sign of how fat I am because last year I would still have been cold on a day like today. The book I am reading at least helps me not feel such a freak as she talks about doing the exact same things.
If it is nice tomorrow I might go out at lunchtime for a walk along the seafront when I am at the clinic. It has to be better for me than dozing on the sofa and might wake me up a bit.
Lisa: Yes, some sensible and good advice from Sarah. I will try to implement it and see how it goes. I think it is going to be a long process changing my negative core beliefs about myself. When talking to Julia about this yesterday she said she can tell from what I say and the various exercises we do that my belief is currently at 100% so there is a long way to go to change that.
I hope I can have a nap this evening, or get to bed early as I haven't managed to sleep this afternoon and am still very tired.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 18:15
Hi Karen,
Are you allowed to go for walks after lunch at the clinic (as it's exercise)? Sounds like a nice idea though.
I am sure over time you will be able to work with Sarah's plan, will be good to see how that goes.
Do you have an Asda anywhere near you? They have small packets of fresh fruit with dips (some of them fruit). They're at a trial price of £1 atm. I just thought because it stopped me bingeing earlier because it was sweet. I had mango and pineapple with passionfruit dips- but they do others including slices of apple with toffee sauce dip!! Just thought it was a nice (and relatively healthy) idea..
Sorry if you don't agree!
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Well, strictly speaking we are supposed to 'rest' for 90 minutes after eating, but I think I might be able to get away with this because my weight isn't low and over exercising has never been one of my problems - I don't have the energy lol!
If it is nice tomorrow I will ask Julia as she is more likely to agree and really there are not the restrictions on me coming and going because I am not an inpatient. I could leave at lunchtime if I wanted and exercise all afternoon but that wouldn't be something I'd do. They should probably worry more about me leaving early so I can purge. It is not possible to do this when I have to go back for the afternoon as it is too embarrrassing to be running to the loo all afternoon.
There isn't an Asda where I live but there is one on the way to the clinic. Most of my snacks do consist of fruit because I try to satisfy my cravings for sweet things this way. I am trying to get back to eating raspberries as these are one of the lowest in calories, but at present I am eating rather a lot of grapes, probably because these are sweeter. They also contain more calories though - still it has to be better than chocolate.
I'll have a look at the fruit bags. I guess it depends on the calorie content of the dips.
Can't wait for the strawberry season as I practically lived on them last summer.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 18:45
Asking Julia sounds like a good idea.
I am a bit of a pig and got the sweeter fruit selection anyway, but even with PMT it stopped me eating chocolate (which is saying something). It's 114 calories for the pack (I can't find the lid that had the weight on it!) But there are 63 cals per 100g, which I didn't think was bad. Better than a bar (or more) of chocolate, anyway!! Though I didn't use much of the dip, you don't need too.
It was just a thought anyway.
And if you really need chocolate and are frightened you'll binge, Milky Way Magic Stars last ages!! And you won't want more than one back! (which is about 150 cals). How sad am I? Sorry, I'm not trying to encourage you to restrict or avoid things- just thought it might help with the control, but you can still eat and not feel too bad about it..[:I]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Fruit is good and like you say you don't have to eat the dip. I could easily get a sweet food fix from sweet fruits.
Just worked out a small amount of chocolate like milky way or small bag of buttons would be much less calories than these Highlights things. I am NOT going to buy them again. I'm so thick sometimes [Duh!]. All that's happened is that I've taken more Xenical to compensate, even though I've not eaten all 6 packets.
Back to strict restricting tomorrow now to compensate :(.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
I think you have achieved plenty of stuff today - I'm with Fee about the sheets. There is no better feeling than swishing freshly shaved legs about on clean sheets other than wriggling bare toes in the sunshine.:D:D
It is sensible to pare back the goals to just a few and make them doable. My goals this week are to try to walk just a few houses away from my house on my own. Course this is just fine with one of the piglets and my evening walks with them have been just fine. So we felt this would hopefully be achievable.
I can do it day or night and today I decided to do it by day and managed it but felt a tad trembly. The biggest stumbling block I have with this is if any of the neighbours see me, what will they think I am doing just walking a little distance then coming home again repeatedly.
We all (on the course) discussed this matter as it does seem to be in my head - I have lived here for 17 years and don't seem to like admitting to anyone that I have this prob (do you remember Mico and Nigel talking me through this once). Anyway the other people on the course said while they did find it hard to be in a crowd or lots of other people, none of them were particularly bothered what the hell their neighbours thought.
So my second goal is to try not to be bothered [:I]
Sorry - taking over your thread here but I just wanted to show you how full of funny little ways we all are. Have you read Mirrys post on perfomance anxiety yet as I can identify with that totally.
Night night mate.
Love Piglet xx (Oh and by the way I did 75 steps in broad daylight - 38 outward bound and 37 homeward bound due to leaping from the pavement to the doorstep grateful to have made it home :D:D:D
Hi Karen,
I definitely think you've had a successful and productive day and I can also see changes in how you are thinking and talking about things, well done sis.
We know it won't happen overnight but bit by bit you can get there. Well done for achieving so much today with your jobs too.
I know it's not the same reason but I understand about the fleecy tops. At work we are issued with t-shirts and fleece jumpers with the vets logo on so I have to wear one of the other or both. I had new t-shirts a while ago and they are now tight, so I am wearing my fleece jumpers still and it's so so hot wearing them, yet the t-shirts are tight and I can't ask for more so soon, also the fleece hides more flab then t-shirts which just pull and make me look bigger than I really am. The only difference is I am bigger than I should be and actually have stuff to hide! Think I will wilt if it gets much hotter though. I also wear a couple of sets of clothes mostly as I don't want to go and buy bigger sizes, I really have no summer clothes and think people will comment on me wearing the same things regularly. I have a whole wardrobe of lovely clothes if I could just loose some weight. Anyway sorry to take over but just saying others have similar problems but for different reasons.
Anyway I hope you have a better night, and have a good day at the clinic tomorrow and even manage a walk by the sea - can you go and have a paddle for me? Lol. As soon as I see the sea I have the urge to paddle, did it once in February [:O] Lol.
Night sis, sleep well.
Love Lisa x
Piglet,
Congratulations on the 75 steps, that's great, well done :D
Your goals sound good to me, good luck with it all and don't worry about what the neighbours think! I doubt they'll even notice anyway.
I love clean sheets too, especially if I've had a bath before getting into them :D.
Night mate,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I'm very sleep so just a quick goodnight and sleep tight[|)]
I do hope you manage a walk by the sea tomorrow - walking is so good for you...(or is it just for me lol!).
Piglet - the 75 steps is FAB and I can see lots of ways of using Mirry's cbt model on the neighbours!! Good luck with the next stage hun[8D][8D]
Sleep well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Sorry I can't even write much tonight. Feeling ill and fed up, and I don't see how there will ever be any end to this.
I don't even know how I went from taking 10-15 laxatives a couple of months ago, down to only 2 a day, and now I am taking at least 50. There's no hope and I'll never get off them. It just gets worse every day.
I'm fat, bad, worthless and now I've just lost it completely with all this purging behaviour. I wouldn't do anything deliberately but sometimes I just wish there could be a permanent end :(.
Karen xx
((((((((((Karen))))))))))
Awww sis, sorry you're feeling so bad. There is always hope and there can be an end to all this purgeing and laxative abuse etc, it will take time and a tremendous amount of effort on your part but it can be done in time, you can do it.
You are not fat, bad or worthless either ok, I know it won't change overnight but try working on those core beliefs so that in time you can see yourself as you really are and how others see you - slim, attractive, caring, kind, warm ie a lovely person who I for one am proud to call my friend and sis :).
Thinking of you and hope you feel better tomorrow.
Love Lisa x
Thank you sis.
I just feel trapped and beyond help. I keep increasing the laxatives to feel empty from food I don't believe I should be eating, even when not bingeing. And while I feel so fat I can't stop. It is a place of nightmares and torment.
Other people are leaving me all at the same time.
Just want some personal help from someone who actually cares enough to be here with me and hold my hand through it. I value your friendship too, as well as my others here; it's just that I am still alone and I am not strong enough to do this alone.
Karen xx
Feeling just as fed up this morning. I had a disturbed night and woke at 5.00 again.
I had to check my weight in case they weigh me at the clinic and I have gained 1/2 kilo, although when I changed the scale setting to stones it said the same as 2 weeks ago.
But the kilo reading is the one they go by and it still means not only have I gained, but I've had 2 weeks without LOSS. So now I need to lose more weight in this next week to make up for the past 2 weeks.
I am fed up of being so fat and not losing this weight. I just hate myself so much. If I can't lose weight then there is no tomorrow :(.
Karen xx
((((((KAREN))))))
So sorry you feel so bad - I really think you have to look at the cbt option, it really helps me to not feel so alone - I know you are trying to get some through the system but in the meantime how about it - check out the rock clinic? You really might find it makes all the difference. I know it's so so hard at the moment but there is hope for the future - try and focus on doing something nice for yourself today - maybe getting out in the sun today will help?
Try and take care of yourself hun.
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
hey karen,
sorry to see your not feelin good today! So hun you have been takin a fair few pills over the past weeks and they havent helped u lose weight and you have been takin more than the average ammount. Does that not tell u something? maybe you should try a different way and I dont mean starving yourself but a eatin plan where u eat wot ur body needs. I am sure ur not fat but i would prefer to see you tryin to lose weight safely other than takin all then laxatives and diet pills!!! hope your ok!!
Ammegxxx
(((((Hugs))))) Karen,
I hope you are having a good day at the clinic today.
Still thinking of you,
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen,
I hope your day improves hun. Small steps huh little by little bit by bit hey sweetie.
I hope the clinic went ok for you today.
Take Care of yourself.
Love PIP'S X X X X
I hope the day improved as it went on and that you did get to speak to Julia in the end.
Love Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you all for the encouraging replies. Sorry I am not feeling any better and in fact today was a waste of time.
I had 2 minutes with Julia this morning so couldn't really explain how depressed and hopeless I feel about everything. I was stuck in a group session about anger management (again) with two patients I don't know this morning. To be honest I wasn't really there. It was like I feel so low and have fallen so far that I just withdrew completely and was in a world of my own.
Then it was lunchtime and I was trying to catch Julia for a word about what's happening for me and to ask again about some changes in therapy arrangements because what's happening just isn't helping. She said she wouldn't have time to see me today so I am supposed to be seeing her at 10.00 on Monday, but she gets caught up with other things a lot of the time. I also think there might be a problem with my funding because she said she needs to discuss this with me.
My one to one sessions with Becky were always supposed to be at 3.00 for an hour, but now she co-runs the afternoon group session which was due to start at 2.30. However, they were all sitting outside in the sun and it was almost 3.00 by the time the group started. By the time it finished Becky said she only had 10 minutes to see me - so I've had only 20 minutes personal time all week and at a time when I am having a crisis.
I suppose in a way it was a good thing I only had such a little time with her because talking with Becky merely confirmed that it’s my fault I am feeling worse and that I have failed again. She said I have been coming to the clinic for some time now and asked why I can’t challenge my thoughts or put the theory into practice. I’ve had such a hard week and another tough day and that was just the end for me. Now I not only feel compelled to punish myself for being bad, for being too dependent on people who are not around, but also for being a failure too.
These sessions with Becky are becoming more detrimental each week. I feel like it is my fault that I feel so depressed right now and because of that and my low opinion of myself, it has made my eating disorder worse. She just kept asking me why I am not able to do it when I know the theory, as if I am deliberately keeping myself ill. So now again I’ve come home feeling worse. I would cry if I could but my despair is past that to a stage where I just feel I am shutting down and cutting off. I feel like I am in such a bad place right now that I am having a complete breakdown. I can't go on like this any longer.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. The only benefit I’ve had from attending the clinic is some improvement in verbal communication, except when I am feeling so depressed like I am at the moment. The situation with my eating disorder has deteriorated and I’m no further forward, but after speaking with Becky today I believe this is my fault. I think she is another person who is about to give up in the belief that I don’t want to get better and am keeping myself stuck. I might as well take full responsibility for that too and the fact that yet another therapist has decided I am not willing to help myself and am being non compliant.
She mentioned today during the group that the therapy she does is person centred and that on the principle that by the patient talking about their problems they will find the answers within themselves. I don’t think this is a very helpful approach and definitely not for me. I know what my problems are, why I have them and why I am like I am now but none of that helps me to change. No matter how many times she asks me if I can see that what I am saying about being bad and worthless is not true, it doesn’t stop it being true for me. It is a very strong belief I hold about myself and now I am beating myself up again because nothing has changed and it’s my fault.
Karen xx
(((((((((((Karen))))))))))))
Awww sis, sorry you had a bad day. I don't like the sound of becky [}:)]
Thinking of you, will try and write more later, have to go now.
Lisa x
Grrrrrrrrrr I'm totally raging.
Karen please think about paying for cbt - any cbt practitioner would be better than what is happening there.
It's not your fault, it's been pathetic the service they are offering. I saw something about anorexia on Jeremy Kyle yesterday and even he understands the disorder better than that bloody clinic - e.g. he said the worst thing you can do to someone who is anorexic is get them to weight themselves and totally focus on food and eating. I'm sorry to be so blunt and I've held back so far but really, it is NOT YOU - THEY ARE RUBBISH!!!!!
You could probably do better on your own just by structuring a programme and asking for the support you need in a really practical way. It had some uses in getting over your fears of groups and stuff which you basically did yourself anyway just by doing it.
I hope I'm not going too far, I'm going to pull my horns in. But you MUST NOT BLAME YOURSELF - it's such a difficult disorder to deal with and you have been working really hard to deal with it... and you will get there in the end.
((((((KAREN))))))
Try really really hard to be kinder to yourself this evening - you are such an amazingly strong woman, kind, sensitive, intelligent, supportive, perceptie - please don't let this do you any more harm.
Thinking of you.
Loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Lisa: Thanks for the hug. Becky is just saying what so many others have said in the past. Surely they can't all be wrong?
Fee: Thanks aunty. I wish I could feel angry but all I feel is that this is another chance I have wasted and that I've failed again. Soon funding will stop anyway and I am no better now than I was when I started. In some ways I am worse.
I think the only one who understands anything I say is Julia, who was talking about the self punishment cycle I've become trapped in - so much so that I am now punishing myself for the punishment. In fact, anything that goes wrong I take the blame and punish myself some more.
Still thinking about the CBT situation. Right now I just think I am a hopeless case and will be like this forever - again my fault.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so depressed that it is difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I am dreading seeing my doctor tomorrow as she will ask how things are going and I can't admit what a state I am in. I am too scared :(.
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Thanks for the hug. Becky is just saying what so many others have said in the past. Surely they can't all be wrong?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 11 May 2006 : 21:04:02</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It seems to me like you just haven't met anyone with the right experience to help you properly yet, that's all.
I agree with Nigel too about the clinic etc.
Keep challenging those core beliefs, you are not bad etc.
I hope you sleep well tonight, night sis.
Lisa x
Hi Karen...
Hope you are ok and manage to sleep tonight...
I feel really poo tonight too so not brimming with positivity - but thinking of you hun.
Loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Nigel, Lisa & Fee.
Still feeling incredibly low and alone. Having one of those nights where I just can't see a way forward and I wish I had someone here to help. I have been reading a book about how someone recovered from anorexia and bulimia after 28 years of suffering from the illness. One of the key points for her was being able to stay with two good friends for a period of time when she came out of hospital - she had the illness very badly and only weighed 4st.
I just feel like there is no way I am ever going to recover from this alone and yet I have no choice. Or maybe this is the final manifestation of years of emotional problems which will be the end for me.
Maybe Becky is right too. I am not able to stop my behaviours of bingeing, purging, using Xenical and restricting, but this is because I believe I deserve to be treated badly and if no one else is doing it then I need to punish myself. The punishment bit is like a compulsion now but I still believe the way to feel better and get rid of the badness is to lose weight and I'm failing at that too.
One thing that I am not able to change is my belief that I am bad and that's why I have been asking for CBT.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">20 minutes personal help in 3 whole days... then Becky wonders why you cannot put theory into practice. We can all know the theory, but it takes experienced know-how to show us how to put that into practice and make it work.<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 11 May 2006 : 20:04:28</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you Nigel. Again though I just think I don't deserve any more help and other patients are more deserving than me. That's another reason I sit quietly in the corner while others around me are making a fuss and therefore get the help. I silently self-destruct instead.
Lisa: I keep hoping that the person with the right experience is out there but then if I can't get better with intensive help like this, what hope is there?
Fee: Sorry you're having a rough time too. Hope you feel better in the morning. (((Hugs)))
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
I am dreading seeing my doctor tomorrow as she will ask how things are going and I can't admit what a state I am in. I am too scared .
I keep hoping that the person with the right experience is out there but then if I can't get better with intensive help like this, what hope is there?
Well why don't just tell your doctor everything...theres nothing to lose is there ? If you keep lying to the professionals then the right help will not come your way. If I was you i'd be truthful, tell your doctor exactly how many tablets you take a day and exactly how you feel maybe then you can get some better help.
Tara
How rubbish is that clinic karen!!! nearly everytime you go there you come out worse!! its really not on hun!!!! i mean how much funding does it take to keep you in that place?? I know it gets you out but wot good is it if its makin u more depressed!!! its sickening!!
Hope your feelin happier today!! U are not a faliure- its people who are failin you!! but we are not gonno!!!
Ammegxxx
Hi Karen,
I don't see you as a failure. By going to the clinic shows you are trying to get better.
If the clinic doesn't work for you it doesn't mean you've failed. Sometimes when people have a doctor or a therapist they are not suited to them and have to find one who is. I've had that experience with a couple of therapists I've seen, but I now have an occupational therapist who's trying to get me to a clinic for psycology appointments, and she is great.
There is help for you and although you feel scared, maybe opening up to the doctor might help. If you tell him/her you're scared and also ask if there is a therapist she can refer you to.
Hope you have a good weekend,
Take Care,
Heather
Thanks for your replys.
Ammeg: I have been coming away from the clinic feeling worse, particularly when told I don't want to get better when I keep asking for help.
Tara:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you keep lying to the professionals then the right help will not come your way. If I was you i'd be truthful, tell your doctor exactly how many tablets you take a day and exactly how you feel maybe then you can get some better help.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I haven't been lying to anyone though and that is the whole point. At the clinic the people treating me know exactly how many laxatives and Xenical pills I am taking. I've not tried to hide it.
Heather: Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">There is help for you and although you feel scared, maybe opening up to the doctor might help. If you tell him/her you're scared and also ask if there is a therapist she can refer you to.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I have been there and done that. My doctor has always been a great help but this place I am attending is the best available in this area. I have been through the CMHT, psychiatrists, psychologist, CPNs, social workers etc.
I've had another night of hardly any sleep and feeling so low causes me to crave the foods that I am likely to binge on :(. I hate this and just want to be back in control like I was last year. I am getting so desperate to lose this weight that I am searching for ever more desperate solutions.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Oh I thought the clinic and the doctor didn't know about how many tablets your taking...I have mis-understood there.
I thought you were afraid to tell them the extent in case you were hospitalised...I have missed some posts there then[Duh!]
Tara. x
BIG BIG HUGS TO YOU KAREN.
Good Luck with the Drs don't be scared to talk to them hun. That's what they are there for.
I do hope you feel bighter soon darling.
Take Good Care,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Thank you Tara and Pips.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Oh I thought the clinic and the doctor didn't know about how many tablets your taking...I have mis-understood there.
I thought you were afraid to tell them the extent in case you were hospitalised...I have missed some posts there then[Duh!]
<div align="right">Originally posted by tara - 12 May 2006 : 10:48:26</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I did say I was worried about telling anyone but they have known about it all along and Julia at the clinic knows all about last weekend and also how many pills I've been taking this week. Today is the first time I've seen my doctor in a couple of weeks.
It is just that I worry about admitting how low I've been feeling and that I don't feel able to get off the pills and laxatives.
Pips: Thanks for your lovely message. My doctor has been very supportive throughout this illness but this is the first time I've seen her since learning she wrote to the clinic without telling me, and I'm now a bit cautious and wary.
Have been doing boring housework to keep myself busy but hitting a bit of a slump now.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
bluesparkle
12-05-06, 12:23
hi karen...
i dont really have anything to say except hi lol :D
i have not had a computer up and running properly for weeks and weeks now and only got this one sorted a few days ago... but with work i dont get on here as much as i used to ... it looks like ive got alot of catching up to do .
i will go back and catch up on posts later but i wanted to drop in and say hi first as its been ages...
i still think of you as you have been a good friend and given alot of good advice to myself and many others...
sending you lots of posative vibes
will be back once ive caught up with posts
take care
rach
Good to hear from you Rach. How is the job going?
Thanks for your kind message.
Karen xx
Well Done for doing some house work Karen your right tis good to keep busy.
I know how you feel hitting that slump.
My house is a war zone with half/full boxes every where ready to move so I'm really slumpy to at the mo LOL.
Take Care hun and I hope your weekend goes ok.
Love & Slumps
PIP'S X X X X
Karen regardless with what happens at the clinic with the funding etc could you not look into this idea of Fee's about seeking CTB therapist locally off your own back.
I don't know how expensive this is or even if it is a possibility financially but then you would have one to one help and at arranged times etc. The clinic has been good for some issues but not the main one and this is where the focus needs to be.
Big hug mate.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Well done for keeping busy with housework today.
Thinking of you.
(((((Hugs)))))
Lisa x
((((((KAREN))))))
It seems like a bit of a slumpy day today hun - but well done for keeping yourself busy!
You know if you HAD had intensive treatment in a clinic that was really working with you I could understand you might feel a bit of a failure (maybe) but you HAVE NOT!!! The treatment you have had has been pitiful and I find it hard to imagine anyone would recover with the chaos and paltry support you have had there....
It is NOT your fault! Why do you think you deserve to be punished? Who do you trust and believe? Do they think you deserve to be punished? That voice in your head is somebody very unpleasant and I'd like a bloomin word with them lol!!!!
CBT CBT CBT CBT (oh lordy I really am evangelical lol!)... go on girl, check it out eh?
Because you're worth it!
Love you loads hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
I hope your afternoon and evening have been ok, still thinking of you sis.
Sleep well, night night,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thankn you for all the messages.
Pips: I remember that stage of being half packed and with the other half still to do. You'll get there. At least you are not doing as I did and leaving it until a few days before moving!
Lisa: Thanks sis.
Piglet: I am still considering private CBT but it will be expensive and I am likely to need help for some while. Although I could get to Brighton for the therapist there it adds to the cost and I'd prefer someone nearer really.
Anyway, I have asked to see Julia and have an appointment on Monday morning, so I hope I get to see her this time. I'm going to ask about this again (as they are meant to be providing therapy like this) and also if I can see her for my hourly session a week rather than Becky.
Fee: Thanks so much. It just seems to me that I've been lucky enough to be funded to attend this clinic and therefore it is somehow my fault that I am still having major problems with my eating disorder. Maybe my expectations of treatment there were too high but Becky's comments really didn't help, especially at the end of a very difficult week for me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It is NOT your fault! Why do you think you deserve to be punished? Who do you trust and believe? Do they think you deserve to be punished? That voice in your head is somebody very unpleasant and I'd like a bloomin word with them lol!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Lol Fee! I guess my experiences in treatment and failing to improve just reinforce all those negative views of myself, particularly as I have been ill with depression and anxiety for so long and have seen so many other therapists of one type or another. I can't be that none of them were any good and therefore the only other explanation I can come up with is that it is me; that I am to blame.
No, I don't think they believe I deserve to be punished; at least I know Julia doesn't from several things she said yesterday. I feel the need to do it to myself though and physical pain is easier to bear for me than the emotional distress.
The appointment with my doctor was fine today. We talked generally about how things are going and about my appointment with the psychiatrist. I admitted that I just said what I had to in order to get out because I was scared and that he'd mentioned antidepressants and even admission if things get worse.
She asked whether I had considered St John's Wort. I did look into this last year but then read some stuff which suggested weight gain was a possible side effect and that put me off completely. She said it is not known to cause weight gain but I can't take that risk.
Anyway, she said it is clear to her that I am being proactive in trying to get the therapy I believe I need and agreed with me that CBT would be most appropriate. She said this shows I am trying to do what I need to get better even if I am finding it a struggle.
She did ask me to try to cut back on the laxatives but didn't mention the Xenical.
Afterwards I went for a walk along the seafront and sat in the sun for a while. Then I needed to go to Tesco but had a panic attack because of all the thoughts and temptations about food :(. I didn't buy anything to binge on but just the thought of it was enough.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just saying morning and hope you have a better day today.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I'm not doing well today. I had another bad night when I kept waking up from horrible dreams and have been fully awake from 5.00am onwards as a result of laxatives.
Now I am feeling very low again and the anorexic/bulimic voices in my head feel like they are having a slanging match and I am being torn on two directions. I hate myself for bingeing and I want to lose weight, but the voice is there tempting me and saying "Go on, prove how bad you are".
And I am because I am sitting here with this pile of food in front of me that I don't even want and I'm not even hungry. My levels of anxiety are sky rocketing due to the food being here and knowing I'm going to fail and give in - again :(:(:(.
I'm so bad and worthless, as well as being a total failure.
Karen :(
Can't really say anything other than what a bad, disgusting, fat and repulsive failure I am.
I binged, have taken laxatives for the second time in 24 hours and I've lost count of how many Xenical pills I've taken. Just kept taking another one with every few mouthfuls of bad food I ate.
Sorry to say that even though I know the possible health risks, I just don't care anymore. Anything has got to be better than this and I deserve to be ill anyway. It's my fault. I have done it to myself.
Hi Karen, what a right state your in hun xx
I don't claim to know anything about eating disorders so I can't say much on this but I suppose it's like an alcoholic who can't stop drinking.
I suppose until you can change your opinion about yourself and learn to stop punishing yourself for eating, things aren't going to change for you.
I hope you can find some balance in your life soon.
Tara xx
(((((((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))))))
Hi sis, think we need less of that red writing and stop putting yourself down too as you are none of those things even if that's how you feel.
Don't like the sound of the amount of xenical you've had either :(.
Please look after yourself. Wish I could say more to help but am thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Thank you Tara, Nigel and Lisa.
Tomorrow is another day... and another 24 hours of torment to get through. I was trying to cope today in a way which didn't involve knocking myself out with sleeping pills and Diazepam but after this disastrous day it is my only choice for coping with tomorrow.
I just have to face facts that I am pathetic and so bad that I am not even able to resist bingeing as soon as it gets to the weekend. I dread weekends now :(.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Don't like the sound of the amount of xenical you've had either :(.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 13 May 2006 : 17:41:30</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Lisa. I have completely lost count of how many I've taken now. It is in great excess of the recommended dose though. The blister pack was almost full this morning and now there are only a few left. I deserve to be ill after this :([B)].
Karen xx
(((((((((Hugs))))))))))) sis.
This xenical really worries me, the dose for obese people is three per day max and I believe there are 25 in a blister pack. Therefore you may have taken 20 ish! This is not good, in fact I think you should get medical advice if you have taken this many, I really do as it's a huge overdose.
You're not bad, I can understand why you dread weekends though but you're not bad or pathetic.
Hang in there karen,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Sorry I don't mean to cause concern and I shouldn't have mentioned it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">This xenical really worries me, the dose for obese people is three per day max and I believe there are 25 in a blister pack. Therefore you may have taken 20 ish! This is not good, in fact I think you should get medical advice if you have taken this many, I really do as it's a huge overdose.<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 13 May 2006 : 19:03:36</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
There are 21 in a blister pack and there are 3 left but I'd taken one yesterday. So must've taken about 17 today. I just wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing and could only think of all the fat I'd put into my body.
I can't seek medical attention and don't feel ill from taking these... not yet anyway. I think the laxatives might be starting to do something though [:I][xx(]. I'm too scared to tell anyone about this.
Thank you for the hug. I really need it tonight.
Weekends are where I always fall back down again :(.
Karen xx
No need to apologise but those x's still concern me, wish I could come and bin them for you!
As you need hugs here are some more:
((((((((((Karen))))))))))
((((((((((Sis)))))))))))))
(((((((((Special good person))))))))))
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~ and a few sunny positive vibes :)
Love Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
Don't know what I'd do without my little sis :).
I am fine (if stupid) so don't worry please.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
13-05-06, 19:43
Lisa- you broke the page! [:P] Worth it to give Karen all those hugs though!
Karen- I know it's hard, and today hasn't been good- and I'm sorry I can't help more. Just because today has been bad it doesn't mean tomorrow has to be. What can you do tomorrow to keep you busy? Do you have anything left to binge on? Have you tried the fruit & dip option- you can hardly class that as bad- I'm being quite strict atm (well trying to, and I think they're OK!)
I'm sorry that I don't know what else to suggest. I'm also sorry I don't say more- I do read your thread- but need to do it quickly and in one go because I don't want to try different things myself (and I'll admit I looked up Xenical on top of what I take anyway- God knows how you afford that). Sorry just thought I should explain and let you know that I am here, and still reading.
Do you think it would help to talk about what you are really thinking about when you want to binge (or purge) rather than the weight issue? Especially if there is a chance it will stop you causing more damage?
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Thanks for your reply and I think maybe for your own sake it might be better not to read my posts. I know how easy it is to pick up new tips and I don't want to be responsible for giving you new ideas.
What I am doing is really not sensible and I definitely would not recommend anyone else do it. I just find it impossible to stop now I have started.
The thing is I know tomorrow is going to be just as difficult because I am alone again. That's why when I have a crisis it tends to be at the weekend. I had plans to keep busy and for distractions today but once the thoughts take hold I am just too pathetic to resist. I don't have anything left to binge on - only fruit and rice cakes here now, as I've done my usual trick of spoiling the remaining food and throwing it into the bin. However, I didn't have anything to binge on this morning but the drive builds until it is so strong that I give in and go out and buy food. It is why I am experiencing panic attacks in supermarkets because I don't trust myself.
No, I haven't tried the fruit and dip because there isn't actually an Asda in the town where I live. I usually have fruit as my snacks but being alone and having hardly any sleep gets to me at weekends and I lose control.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Do you think it would help to talk about what you are really thinking about when you want to binge (or purge) rather than the weight issue? Especially if there is a chance it will stop you causing more damage?<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 13 May 2006 : 19:43:15</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm don't know because it is a whole combination of things, some of which I can't write about on here. I guess it's an attempt to block out cerrtain painful emotions, or meet unmet needs with food, but because I feel so bad about these feelings and needs, the purging is an excuse to punish myself for being bad for having these emotion. I am bad and deserve anything that happens as a result of these actions.
Karen xx
(((((((KAREN))))))))
I wish I could think of something clever and helpful to say...
((((((HUGS))))))
Love you loads
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Wish I could say more to help too, but am still thinking of you sis.
I hope you sleep well and that tomorrow is better for you.
Love and another (((((((Hug))))))) :).
Night sis,
Lisa x x
Thank you Fee and Lisa.
I just wish I could sleep my life away right now. I hate myself sooo much for eating this food today. It is such intense shame and self-loathing that it is hard to even put into words.
This is just another mess up and another failure. I don't want to carry on if it means staying like this. I need to lose 2st and I need to do it now. I am so desperate. The person I see when I am unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror is not me. I can't cope with being that person. I need to be the size and weight I was last year or I just don't know how to carry on like this.
I am now suffering the results of the laxatives for the second time today but I don't care. I deserve it. I don't care what I am doing to myself with the Xenical and in fact nothing is happening and so I am tempted to take more.
There is only one dream I have left but even that is tainted by feeling so fat, disgusting and worthless. I would have jumped at the chance of fulfilling that dream last year but now I've ruined it all. I can't even look on it as something to look forward to because I know I'll just feel bad about myself and not be able to enjoy it until I've lost this weight.
I can't see a future if I can't reach my weight target.
Karen xx
I am so depressed I just want a way out :(. All the self help in the world is not helping and I know I am trapped in this life of torment and pain forever.
Even after such a painful day yesterday due to bingeing, I have the same binge urges this morning. I am so weak that I cave in every time. The only way I will be able to get through today without doing that is to take a large dose of Diazepam, as well as a few sleeping pills for good measure and hopefully knock myself out for the day.
The book I have been reading about Ann Cox and her recovery from years of anorexia and bulimia even states that a big part of recovery for her was her stay with friends when she left hospital the last time. She wrote:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Coming out of hospital and stepping into a normal home was a wonderful and very emotional moment for me. For so many years, all I had known were the four walls of various hospitals, or the four walls of my own flat, which had been places only for force feeding, starving, bingeing, vomiting or purging. I had never felt, despite having my own property, that I had ever had a home… It was somewhere that had walls, a floor, windows and a roof; it never gave me a feeling of security. Wherever I happened to be was just another prison cell, epitomising the prison cell of my eating disorder.
However, Pam and Ron’s home felt to me to be a very beautiful place; it gave me a very warm glow, and I cried on seeing the lovely bedroom they had made up for me. I cried too when I saw the bathroom, so clean and fresh, no vomit or excreta stains, and no medicine cabinet full of laxatives and strong drugs.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
She carries on describing those first few months and how reintegrating into life had been hugely helped by the transition period during which time she was living with her friends, learning what normal eating is, including how to cook and prepare a normal sized meal, as well as integrating back into society though joining in with their social life.
There are many struggles she describes experiencing, but she had the support of friends and the safety net of living with those friends and emotional supports to help her through the times when she struggled.
I don’t know whether reading this book is helping much to be honest. It is inspirational from the fact that she suffered for so long and with a very extreme eating disorder and has recovered. However, at the same time, I just feel like I am making a fuss about nothing and my eating disorder is not that bad, as I am not even underweight anymore –and I just keep eating too much. She maintained a weight of 4st even when bingeing so I am doing something wrong; probably not purging enough and so I feel I need to take more extreme actions to lose weight.
Also, I am alone and I am too weak to recover alone.
I don’t feel that where I am living is a home, nor was my house. I guess a prison sums it up pretty well really. I know I am fortunate to have a roof over my head, but this place is like my prison. It is the place where I binge and purge. It is the place I feel constant fear; fear that being alone means I will have to face the enemy that is food and where I will binge, followed, or mostly now preceded by purging. I cannot escape from the eating disorder, I cannot escape from the truth that wherever I live it will be another prison, and my only option to not be alone is to admit myself to a clinic where I know I will feel worse and so that will be another prison.
The longer I carry on like this, the worse I feel about myself. I have to stop eating and lose this weight. It’s the only chance I have of feeling better. Is it any wonder why I blame myself? I am continually wishing for help that is not available to me and that I shoul
Hi Karen,
I really don't know what to say... but wanted to let you know I do still read and care greatly about what you are doing. I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself in this way but I do understand your reasoning behind it.
Hope you can get some help.
(((BIG HUG)))
Tammy x
Thank you Tammy.
I can't cope with feeling like this or risk bingeing agaon, so I've just taken some sleeping pills and a few Diazepam to hopefully knock me out for the rest of the day.
I no longer know how else to cope.
Karen x
Karen is it not time to tell the clinic the true depth of how you are feeling and consider some inpatient treatment.
We will all still be here and on the end of mobs - we soo want to see you get better.
Very big and concerned hug.
Love Piglet xxx
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen is it not time to tell the clinic the true depth of how you are feeling and consider some inpatient treatment.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 14 May 2006 : 11:58:07</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The clinic know most of it anyway, but not obviously yet about this weekend.
I feel so let down in a way because I've been asking for help with these issues for weeks and weeks now. If I'd had more help maybe I wouldn't now be at this crisis point.
K said "When Becky asks you why you haven't made any progress, you should tell her the simple truth - it is because you are not getting the SUPPORT you need! Her comments don't imply that you are at fault (that is your interpretation), but they do pose a question which needs answering, and the answer is plain. You need regular, ongoing, DAILY support to help you overcome the behaviours and thinking that come out of isolation, so you can ESTABLISH and then MAINTAIN more healthy patterns of ACTION. You tell her that, OK?
Changing the core belief will help too, and CBT can start you towards that, but without the other support it's not likely to get very far."
I don't know because I don't want to be an inpatient. I am sure it will make me worse. I will lose control over what I eat entirely, gain even more weight and be even more depressed. Then they will send for for ECT like they did to that other unfortunate lady.
Plus I wouldn't have contact with K by phone, or some other people I rely on.
Thanks for the hug and I am sorry to be causing concern. Just waiting for these meds to kick in so I can pass out [|)]. I still have diarrhoea though and have taken more laxatives after eating a slice of toast this morning. Then I felt compelled to take a Xenical too.
Karen xx
K is so wise - totally agreed with what she suggested you say.
I am sure the Electric treatment cannot be considered without your consent - to be honest I hadn't really heard of this being a treatment that is much used anyway anymore - what does K have to say about this?????
Big hugs mate
Piglet xxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for repying. I think I'm saying too much here in the distressed state I'm in at present and scaring everyone away.
ECT does still go on because the clinic sent someone for this treatment only a few weeks ago. It is still often used for people with treatment resistant depression and I am scared it could happen.
K says she doesn't advocate it as a treatment although it does help some people. I just can't take that risk.
So much for being able to sleep with extra sleeping pills and Diazepam. Have only had 2 hours and still feel so low and out of control that I might binge again.
I can't take any more of this cycle or bingeing and purging. I really do not know what to do. I have no one :(:(:(
Karen xxx
Well the fact you can type and string your words together after that little sleep is amazing.
I am not good without a full 8-10 hours!!!!
If you had known me when the piglets were small then you would have had quite a job on your hands to make any sense at all of my ramblings.
My overiding memory of sleepless nights is standing with my pj's tucked into wellingtons hosing down the sick off duvets in the back garden with my eyelids stuck together.
I always gave the neighbours a cheery wavy (if I could see them through the meshed together eyelashes). "It's just that Piglet woman with the hose again" they would all say and luxuriously go back to bed!!!
No sleep is horrible and partly responsible for the low way that you are feeling - hopefully you may get a better night tonight.
I am sure that this treatment that scares you just cannot be done willy nilly and there would have to be all sorts of processes to go through. Just cos that person had it done doesnt mean you would.
You trust what K says and at this point what are her thoughts (other than what you should say at the clinic) about where you go from here?
Love Piglet xxx
Hi Piglet
It is amazing any of the made sense after the amount of sleeping pills and Diazepam I took earlier in order to try to knock myself out and sleep.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You trust what K says and at this point what are her thoughts (other than what you should say at the clinic) about where you go from here?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 14 May 2006 : 17:24:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
She said I need more support and on a daily basis, as well we CBT to help change my beliefs of being bad and worthless.
It is impossible though because I don't have daily support and even when I go to the clinic, it is the exception rather than the rule that I get to speak to a member of staff.
All the time I am struggling to cope her at home alone I don't think I will ever be able to recover. There are too many oppotunities to binge and purge. But admission is not the answer either because even though it is mean to be a general eating disorders unit, it is set up to treat underweight anorexics. The last thing I need is more food shoved at me when my self esteem is at an all time low because I have gained weight and feel unable to get back in control.
It is hopeless.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
14-05-06, 17:45
Hi Karen,
Do you think you would need daily support if you were getting the support on the times when you are in the clinic? This might be an issue worth discussing, tbh. I don't think you would. I think with consistent support a few days a week would be enough to carry you through the other days, if you were getting it.
I agree that inpatient support is probably not what you need. However, it is unlikley they would force you to eat lots if you are at a healthy weight, but also- you would be unable to binge because the opportunity would not be there. I can see the pros and cons with both.
Would it be worth trying to discuss this with Julia?
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Karen,
Awww sis I really wish I knew what to say to help. I nearly didn't read this thread today in all honesty as I am a bit edgier myself today as I'm so tired and exhausted and the first thing I read was that you are destined to die alone or take a deliberate overdose :(. I do understand how you feel so don't apologise for being honest but like the others have said I am really concerned too. I don't say that to make you feel bad for posting I say it becasue you are a friend, a lovley person and I see so much potential in you. You could have a great future to look forward to.
I so wish you could find it in you to look after yourself more, what you are currently doing is not helping it's making you alot worse physically and mentally, and those xenicals need to go in the bin! You know I say this as I care.
K said some very wise words there, I agree with her that's what you should say to becky or whoever will listen there - do you think you can/will? I agree you definitely need more intensive and preferably daily help now before things get any worse.
Sorry I can't help more, feel so helpless in all this and wish I could help you.
Love and a big (((((hug))))),
Lisa x
Hi Hannah
I honestly think it is being alone so much and having no local support to turn to.
Sometimes I have a reall good day at the clinic and think I've achieved loads, but come Friday it all goes downhill again as I start to face 3 days alone. These Bank Holidays this month don't help either because that means 4 days alone.
The inpatient routine is not set up for people with my specific eating disorder problems. It focuses a lot on refeeding and being an inpatient I'd have no choice other than to eat their meals. I will just feel worse.
So although I am hoping to speak to Julia about the therapy issue, I am not going to mention inpatient stays. It is the last thing I want or would help.
As you say, the only benefit would be not being able to binge, but then they would also take me straight off the laxatives and diet pills, which I know leads to weight gain through fliud retention. Getting off laxatives needs to be a slow withdrawal. Plus the fact that I have been taking so many and daily that I am now unable to go to the toilet without them.
Being where I am right now is terrifying.
Karen xx
Hi Lisa
Don't come and read my thread if it is difficult for you. I am sorry that it is probably difficult for other people to read too,
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">the first thing I read was that you are destined to die alone or take a deliberate overdose :(.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is how I am feeling because it all feels hopeless to me now. I don't believe there is any recovery from this and I have taken about as much as I can of it.
What I was doing last year was nothing compared to this. Simply not eating much was nowhere near as bad ad what I've been driven to do this year. I have just come to the end of my tether.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">K said some very wise words there, I agree with her that's what you should say to becky or whoever will listen there - do you think you can/will? I agree you definitely need more intensive and preferably daily help now before things get any worse.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know. I am not assertive enough to say that I don't think and I am worried how they would interpret the daily support bit. The last thing I want or need is to be admitted.
Thanks for the hug sis.
Karen xx
hey karen
(((((((((((karen))))))))))
hope u get a good nites sleep and hope u have a better day tommorow- thats all i can say!! dont wanna go on at you- i think u get enough of that!! just sorry you havin such a rubbish time of things!!!!
Ammegxx
Just wanted to come and say night night. I hope tomorrow is better for you and that your have a good day at the clinic.
(((((((Hugs))))))),
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Karen
((((((HUGS))))))
I'm so sorry you feel so awful. If only there was some way we could help.
I hope the clinic offers you some hope today.
Thinking of you.
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you too.. big hugs.. big big hugs to you...
Sounds like you are in a horrible place right now, but nothing stays the same. The world does not stay the same, it is always changing, and so will the way you feel. This feeling will not last forever.
You are a strong woman, you know that deep down and you can pull yourself to the other side.
You MUST communicate all these feelings to someone you trust at the clinic in order to get further support.
Fingers crossed petal and another big hug.
We will all NEVER give up on you, so neither should you!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Karen,
Big hugs, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thank you for the messages Ammeg, Lisa, Fee and LisaS.
I didn't get anything sorted at the clinic today. Got there at 10.00 for my appointment with Julia but she got caught up elsewhere and it was gone 10.30 before I saw her.
I really wanted to discuss a change in therapy because seeing Becky doesn't help and where to go from here, but she started asking me about the weekend. When I said I'd had another bad weekend, with an emotional trigger and made worse by being alone, the rest of the time we talked about this but there is no answer. All the time I am alone I can't break this pattern.
She said I have reduced the number of laxatives I take before and can do it again but she didn't specifically ask how many I am now using, or how many Xenical I take.
I have come home with loads of questionnairs to complete regarding anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self esteem, and one which encompasses anxiety, depression, trauma, quality of life and risk. Maybe something will come from these although I've filled some of these in not that long ago.
**Lisa - you might not want to read this next bit**
She also asked me if anyone had gone through my blood test results with me. I was told these were normal. However, apparently my potassium levels are right on the lower normal range, probably due to my laxative abuse, and sodium levels are also right on the lower borderline - which Julia said means I am water loading rather than eating. I expect this would be worse if it weren't for the binges and the fact that blood tests are done at the beginning of the week.
Feeling ill again tonight.
Karen xx
To top off another not very good day, I also finally received a reply from Jill. I had asked her for help with a new anxiety problem which is getting worse.
Her reply more of less said to do the therapy on myself [:O]. She has definitely given up on me and is not willing to help at all. Don't know why I bother going over there at all anymore :(
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen
Well done for getting there and trying again...you are one strong, determined lady! I hope there is some chance of you getting some cbt as a result of all these questionnaires because I know you won't go privatly until you have exhausted the nhs options. But with your blood tests showing the effects of your recent abuse I am obviously really worried and want you to get the help you deserve as soon as possible.
Take care of yourself hun..
(((((HUGS)))))
Loads and loads of love n hugs.
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
hey karen,
i would just like to tell u how confused i was!! i just clicked the little box up top that lets u choose the order the posts go in- i did it on accident and clicked newest posts first!! well i was sure i was crazy- i knew i had wrote u a post and just couldnt find it!!! that was scary, i thought my last bit of sanity had gone!!! lol
Well just another huge hug from me hun!!! (((((((((((((karen))))))))))))))))
Ammegxxxx
LOL Ammeg! Thanks for thinking of me.
Fee: Actually I am pretty terrified. The 'Star Assessment' questionnaire, which is the one that encompasses all aspects including risk assessments is the one I am worried about. There is a diagram on the front page of a star with boxes corresponding to 'Yes' answers, and in the middle of this is a circle which is for the Risk/Alert questions.
Julia said it is this centre circle that they are most concerned with because it indicates possible risk of self harm or harm to others. All the questions about self harm I would have to answer yes to and now I am so worried where that will lead.
Plus K tonight is suggesting I ask what being an inpatient would involve but I don't want to go down that road - not now and not ever.
Regarding CBT, I just don't see why I can't access this as part of my treatment when others at the clinic are receiving this kind of help. If I really still can't get this arranged at the clinic then I'll think again about private CBT but I can't really afford to pay for this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">But with your blood tests showing the effects of your recent abuse I am obviously really worried and want you to get the help you deserve as soon as possible.<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 15 May 2006 : 21:17:41</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, I understand that Fee. I am confused as I was told my results were normal before but I suppose they are - but only just. I don't water load as suggested but drink because I get very thirsty. I am not surprised by the low potassium result though as I know this is a result of laxative abuse.
I suppose I ought to get on with filling in these questionnaires before it gets too late.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry today hasn't been great again, well done for coping again though.
I really hope you get some help soon sis, whether at the clinic or elsewhere as we now know it is affecting your health. Thanks for warning me not to read, stupidly I read anyway lol. It's ok though it didn't make me anxious but if worries me, not from my anxiety point of view, but what it's doing to your body and you. I have been amazed for ages how your blood tests could be normal as I felt sure your electrolytes must be out and now it seems they are. You really can't have diorrhoea so much without any affect on the body.
I wish I knew what I could say to help, Maybe the questionnaires will help more specific treatment who knows. I can also understand where K is coming from too but do understand your concerns. Then again I feel something needs to happen to get you help and sooner rather than later.
Not much help am I lol.
Thinking of you sis,
Night night, hope you sleep well and have a better day tomorrow.
Lisa x x
Hi Karen
I totally agree you should be getting cbt on the NHS - and you should pursue it through the clinic and your gp again who really needs to know how much this clinic is failing you - have you told him/her? I feel the NHS are paying for something that is not being delivered in any shape or form.
But as I said before I think, to be honest if you could invest in some private cbt you will undoubtedly get a better service anyway and could be supplemental? Just have a go at the Rock Clinic? Remember it is the clinic that is failing NOT YOU!!!
I understand totally your fears about admission to hospital - you know I do. But how much worse could it be - the other people in hospitals alone could be a support to you.... it's not a route I would be happy to go down, but there have been times when it was something I wanted, I was so desperate. Many people go in very voluntarily these days - and more than once. The reason you are so afraid of it is predominantly food-centred but maybe, just maybe, it would not be as bad as you think?
If you want to avoid admission to hospital I think getting yourself some private cbt now is probably the only thing you can actively do... because you are really getting seriously physically ill and the Mental Health Services would not be doing their job if they did not intervene to save your life.
I hope you can cope with me being so direct. I really truly care about you Karen and know you are capable of recovering from this but you have got yourself trapped in a spiral and something has to happen to break it....
We will never, ever give up on you hun, because we see how special and wonderful you are and we all just want to see you get better - really better, not manage to get by by losing weight again and feeling that false sense of control.... and you WILL:D
I hope doing the questionnaires isn't too horrible and that it leads you somewhere positive. And I hope you sleep well tonight.
Loads and loads of HUGE ((((((HUGS))))))
Night night xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Lisa & Fee
Thank you for replying, particularly when you are both struggling so much yourselves at present.
I am hoping these questionnaires might lead to some more appropriate help and the copy of the PM from K that I gave Julia. I was scared doing it, and still am in case the question of inpatient stay comes up.
Lisa: Oh well... I thought I would put a warning as I didn't want to cause you to feel worse. I'm glad it didn't anyway.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I really hope you get some help soon sis, whether at the clinic or elsewhere as we now know it is affecting your health. I have been amazed for ages how your blood tests could be normal as I felt sure your electrolytes must be out and now it seems they are. You really can't have diorrhoea so much without any affect on the body.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm... I was able to convince myself that my laxative abuse is not that bad or serious and even now I am not concerned. My electrolyte levels might be right at the lowest end of normal (and I mean on the lowest number), but still within normal.
This enables me to believe that the laxative abuse and diarrhoea is not serious and no where near as bad as some people purge. However, I have had a miserable 2 days with stomach cramps and diarrhoea. Even seeing the blood reports yesterday wasn't enough to stop me taking laxatives last night. I took them to late though and was therefore up for half the night again [xx(].
Fee: It is not that I am entirely against going the private route for CBT but I think this needs to be the last resort. It is so hard starting with new people, particularly with my history being so complicated, and I still don't see why other patients are receiving CBT and/or psychotherapy and I'm not.
Yes, my doctor does know the situation regarding this and if it continues I expect she would contact them again if I asked her to.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just have a go at the Rock Clinic? Remember it is the clinic that is failing NOT YOU!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Fee. Apart from what I've said above, it is also the travelling which would add to the cost of treatment. It would be another £10 for petrol and plus any parking charges. Also there is the additional strain it would put on me to travel there and back regularly, on top of spending 3 days at the clinic. I did do it before when I was seeing Jill, but would prefer to find somewhere closer if I am forced down this route.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I understand totally your fears about admission to hospital - you know I do. But how much worse could it be - the other people in hospitals alone could be a support to you.... The reason you are so afraid of it is predominantly food-centred but maybe, just maybe, it would not be as bad as you think?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can't even consider it as an option Fee, even though I understand why K is suggesting it. No one knows what it is like there until they have spent some time in the place. I have basically freedom to do what I want while I am there at the moment, but as an inpatient all that would change.
There are (or will be) only two other EDU inpatients by the end of the week and they are the two who block others out and make situations feel uncomfor
Hi Karen
Well I'm glad you feel a bit brighter what ever the reason! Well done for dealing with the questionnaires and I so so hope it proves useful and today goes well...
I totally understand about the cbt and money (yes, I wasn't thinking of the additional cost in travelling). Also, I didn't quite grasp that admission would be THERE necessarily, which I can really understand you not wanting at all. I was thinking more along the lines of an admission for depression than to and EDU. I guess you have to see this clinic through and then look at other steps... Obviously it is hard for us to know how ill you are - what you are taking sounds lethal to those of us with health anxiety and I try to keep that in mind, that it may not be as bad as it seems to me!!
You are so brave and determined Karen - it must lead to the right help eventually!!!
I hope today goes well.
Loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Just wondering how it went with Julia?
Love Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Just saying that I'm thinking of you and hoping your day is going well, especially showing Julia the questionnaires. Well done for filling them in.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you Fee, Piglet and Lisa.
I don't know what to think about today. I am scared, confused and feeling again like I am failing.
At lunchtime Sue (an EDU day patient who only comes in on a Tuesday) wanted me to sit with her in the dining room for lunch. We’ve spoken a few times and she said it helps to talk to a fellow sufferer. I really didn’t want to eat in the dining room because I find it much harder to eat with other people and members of staff particular. Initially I said no and explained that I’d struggle by going in there. However, she was obviously in a state and so I agreed to sit with her in the end. I was feeling anxious being there and then panicked when Annie came and sat on the table next to us. Luckily I was already eating my sandwich by the time she sat down, so she didn’t realise I’d only had half a sandwich as usual.
The real problem came when the kitchen staff started bringing desserts out. It was some sort of cheesecake which, when offered, I said no thank you. Annie then set about trying to persuade me to have some. She said “Just have a taste” but she doesn’t realise where that would lead and what I’d end up doing. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she’d just said it the once but she asked me at least 3 or 4 times and I felt very pressured. This is another reason I don’t normally eat in there. Had I had even one mouthful of that cheesecake it would’ve triggered a binge tonight, followed by worse self punishment than I usually use. Sue did thank me afterwards. I just feel again like I was putting the needs of someone else above my needs, which in some ways is a good thing to do isn’t it? Yet it also left me feeling anxious, pressured by Annie, and I have found it difficult to stop obsessing about food for the rest of the afternoon.
At the end of the day Julia asked me to stay behind as she had finished completing my risk assessment form and a lot of it doesn’t make for good reading. There were lots of comments about my level of depression currently, self neglect through not eating properly and also self harm with laxatives and weight loss pills.
I was truthful in the way I completed those questionnaires but it also scares me to admit when I am feeling bad in case action is taken which I don’t want. I don’t think that is likely to happen at present, but Julia said she had to put in the report that I have thoughts of suicide – though I convinced her I have not made plans to actually act on the thoughts.
She has also marked me down as being ‘non compliant’ with treatment simply because I’m finding it difficult to eat properly and am using laxatives and Xenical. She said she doesn’t want to put a black mark against my name but she is going on the fact also that I maintain I don’t want antidepressant medication and also from what was written in a letter after the assessment I had with the psychologist and social worker back in November. It was the fact that they had offered me monthly appointments with different members of the team to avoid the possibility of me becoming attached to one person and I had turned down that treatment proposal. The CMHT took this as me being resistant to treatment again and that, together with my determination not to take antidepressants, together with the problems I am having in managing my eating disorder are leading to another label of being non compliant, or not willing to get better.
Fee:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Obviously it is hard for us to know how ill you are - what you are taking sounds lethal to those of us with health anxiety and I try to keep that in mind, that it may not be as bad as it seems to me!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well it probably isn't too good for my health. Julia put in her report that I am at medium risk for medical problems arising
Hi Karen
WELL DONE! I'll spell out why in a minute but first of all I just HAVE to say... FFS! Doesn't this Annie person know the first thing about eating disorders?!!!!! I can't believe anyone would be so ham-fisted (pun not intended lol!) as to try and get you to eat cheesecake. It beggars belief.
However, correct me if I'm wrong but what you actually did was support another sufferer by facing one of your fears (eating with others) and coping with someone trying to persuade you to eat cheesecake without completely freaking????? That's AMAZING![8D][8D][8D]
AND THEN you managed to get across to Julia how you feel and what you want really well!!! SUPERB!!! AND you might even get it!!!!
As for whether you want pure cbt or some more multi-disciplinary but solution focused help - you are the only one who knows the answer to that. However, I know you think there's no point in rummaging around in the past, but I am doing a fair bit of that with my cbt (she is quite multi-approach, not pure cbt) and it is really really helpful (as you may have noticed lol!!!). I think, myself, that if you really don't want to talk about something then you probably need to LOL!!!!!
As for you being non-compliant I think there is a level on which this is true. I do not think at the moment you will entertain anything that could even indirectly lead to weight gain, and your focus is still very much being determined by this - however you are determined to get help and working very hard on all sorts of other levels and I believe the right counselling could really get you there.
Now, exactly where did you think you were failing? As far as I can see this was virtually a success story?!!!!
Pat yourself on the back for doing so well when you are feeling so rotten at the moment, and be brave and go forward!!!!
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Fee.
I guess it is my perfectionist trait and my low self esteem which means I always believe the worst of myself.
Julia did say that she gets the sense of a lot of inner turmoil at present and that I am able to think clearly enough to give others good advice but am unable to do the same for myself. I am not sure whether this is because I just don't have any belief in myself or whether I don't believe I deserve the same kind of help.
I really wonder about Annie sometimes. She is not my main support worker any longer, as Julia now has this role but she can't help interfering. She was sitting with another EDU patient to make sure she ate all her main course and pudding. I don't think the food is very healthy but her approach is slightly more understandable in this other patient's case because she is still at a very low weight and has been losing weight.
I, on the other hand, do not need feeding up. I know my diet is not very good and I restrict to a small number of safe foods but I don't need the emphasis to be placed on gaining weight. Had she pushed the issue with the cheesecake further I know I'd have felt so distressed I'd have probably binged tonight, or even if I had avoiding doing that, I would have taken more laxatives than usual and more Xenical tablets to try to make up for it. Her approach may help some people but I just feel very pressured and bullied into eating what I really don't need. This is why I don't eat in the dining room.
The only reason I was there was to support someone else. I could see she was in a state and know it can make all the difference to have someone help out at times like that.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">As for whether you want pure cbt or some more multi-disciplinary but solution focused help - you are the only one who knows the answer to that. However, I know you think there's no point in rummaging around in the past, but I am doing a fair bit of that with my cbt (she is quite multi-approach, not pure cbt) and it is really really helpful (as you may have noticed lol!!!). I think, myself, that if you really don't want to talk about something then you probably need to LOL!!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am going to ask K for her opinion about this, after all she understands my problems better than anyone. Since I am being given the chance to ask for the kind of therapy I'd like then I want to make sure I ask for what will be most helpful for me.
I see what you are saying about being non compliant but this is not a deliberate decision on my part; it is part of my illness. There are many areas where I am pushing myself, like with my social phobia and attachment issues. I was alone in a group with male patients and three male members of staff this morning while waiting for group CBT to start and despite panicking, I did make an effort to get involved in doing the word wheel and I deciphered the 9 letter word!
I'm just worried that having the words 'non compliant' on my file again is another black mark against my name when I wouldn't attend at all or even try to challenge some of my fears if I really had no interest in getting better. My worsening depression isn't helping at present.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Wow well done, I'd say today was very successful and positive. You coped so well with everything.
I am so pleased to hear you may be getting some individual CBT or similar therapy at last and it makes sense to ask K's advice on this and what would be best.
Sorry this is short but I am exhausted, even reading alot is tiring tonight but I am thinking of you.
Night night, hope you sleep well,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
OH!
So more successes today then!!!! You really are making headway on so many levels and not giving yourself any credit for them!!!
I can imagine what a big deal being with alone with the male staff and patients was - WELL DONE!
Yes I understand your fears about having non-compliant label - this is the problem with the clinic being so anorexia-focussed whereas as I see it your problems are more to do with depression and low self-esteem and the eating disorder is just your way of punishing yourself? Would that be fair? Which is why I think the cbt is so important, whichever type you choose.
And yet despite that you have grasped every opportunity to use the clinic experience to help you with the associated anxieties and issues.... which is absolutely amazing under the circumstances!
I really hope they manage to come up with something positive along those lines soon hun, and in the meantime - please try and acknowledge how much you have achieved and pat yourself on the back!:D:D:D
Loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Lisa. I am going to ask K for her suggestions as I don't want to get this wrong. I feel like it is my last chance to get help and my final opportunity to recover.
Fee: I don't recognise achievements although I am trying to do so more now. It is just so difficult when all my life I've been taught that I am useless and unable to do anything. I tend to think nothing I do is good enough, but realise I do need to acknowledge the small steps and not focus entirely on the final goal.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Yes I understand your fears about having non-compliant label - this is the problem with the clinic being so anorexia-focussed whereas as I see it your problems are more to do with depression and low self-esteem and the eating disorder is just your way of punishing yourself? Would that be fair? Which is why I think the cbt is so important, whichever type you choose.<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 16 May 2006 : 21:47:54</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
My eating disorder is the latest in a long history of damaging ways I've tried to cope with depression, anxiety and low self esteem, plus a few other difficulties. It is a symptom of underlying problems but because of health implications people tend to focus on this more than on my other problems.
It is about avoidance, numbing of emotions and punishment. Last year I starved myself to block out painful emotions and since starting at the clinic I felt a loss of control when I was being forced to eat food there and this tipped me into bingeing. From that I started purging and now use that to punish myself for anything and everything.
I hope whatever therapy can be organised is the right kind of help for me this time.
The group session this afternoon was about self esteem and ways to help improve this. Homework is a list of ideas from which we are supposed to choose 2 or 3 that we are willing to try during the next week and then report back how we got on. I think I might add an idea to the list and that is to find one thing each day to write something positive about, like recognising and acknowledging achievements, no matter how small.
Karen xx
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Congratulations - you almost acknowledged your achievement hun!!!!
The homework sounds brilliant and that is an excellent idea...
Do me a favour, just post ONE post with just one positive sentence about yourself/today and nothing else - just to remember what it looks and feels like? Because today has been a really positive day on so many levels - go on, you can do it!;)[Yeah!]
[8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D]
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Like Fee I too could see an awful lots of positives about yesterday :D:D:D Well done mate,as much of that you wouldn't have liked tackling 5 months ago!!!
This is good that you are able to suggest the best sort of therapy and hopefully K will have some good suggestions and between you you can decide on the best one.
Keep moving forward:D:D:D and you will get there.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I hope you slept well and are feeling ok today.
Thinking of you.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x :)
Thank you Fee, Piglet and Lisa.
I'm not having a good day today. I have eaten far too much already and I'm afraid I took the laxatives first and have been taking Xenical. Just waiting for the laxatives to take effect because I need to be ill now.
Hate myself for messing up again. I wish I could make myself throw up and get rid of all this junk I've eaten. I was just starting to get somewhere with losing weight and now I've ruined it all again :(:(:(.
No sign of K all day either.
Plus someone is having some work done somewhere here and there is constant banging going on. It is driving me mad and I can't stand it.
I don't want to be me or have the life anymore. All those experts are right; I will never get better and it's my fault.
Sorry.
Karen xxx
I can't believe I've done this again today. I am so stupid. Now I hate myself sooo much and am back at square one again. I need to restrict and starve myself from tomorrow and keep to it all over the weekend too.
Right now I don't know how I am going to get through these days. If I binge again I don't know what will happen. I have tried to not write on here about the pills and laxatives but am getting no response from anyone and feel so very alone. I just feel unable to stop popping the pills in a desperate attempt to prevent the fat being absorbed.
Every time I am alone I lose control. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Karen
hey karen!!
Im sooo sorry your feelin so crappy!!! wish i had some pearls of wisdom or some advice to give you!!!
You will get through these days hun and even if you hate youself we all love u to bits!!!!
Karen you will get better hun!!!! I know you can do it!! we need to get your mind back to thinkin possitive!!! I am sickened at the people in the clinic, I cant believe them!!! I dont think they are helpin you!!!
Its hard to know wot to say sometimes karen- i just wish i could help- i worry bout u and read your thread everyday but feel stupid just sendin u hugs!!! I wanna help sooo much!!
Hey come and move to wales!!! lol
((((((((((karen))))))))))))
Ammegxxxx
(((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))
Sorry you're struggling so much still sis, I am thinking of you still. Like others I wish I could help more, words never seem enough somehow.
I so hope you start getting the help you need with CBT etc at the clinic and can begin to break this cycle you are currently stuck in, I hate to think of you suffering like this and taking so many pills especially.
I hope you sleep well and have a good day at the clinic tomorrow.
Night night,
Love Lisa x x
Thank you Ammeg and Lisa. Your message of support do help to remind me that other people care about me, even when I am not able to care about myself.
Ammeg: I appreciate all messages of support. I know it is difficult for anyone to know what to say to me. LOL about moving to Wales!!
Tonight things have deteriorated and I'll probably regret my actions in the morning. I don't think I should go into details though.
I wish I could stop doing these harmful things to myself but I am trapped and am feeling pretty hopeless about everything right now.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Yes we really do care about you and I do wish you could care about yourself too, you are a really special person and good friend. Have you written down anything positive about yourself today yet?
I hope things aren't too bad for you tonight after the action you took and that you are able to get some sleep.
Thinking of you sis,
Night,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa. Nothing positive about today to write really. I've stuffed up completely and it's possible I might not even make it to the clinic tomorrow now. So stupid :(.
In a way now I am too scared to go anyway. I could not mention what has been going on today but if Julia or Becky ask I won't be able to lie about it. Julia already has me noted down as being at medium risk for health and I don't know what she'll make of today.
Wish I had been able to sleep and remain unconscious all day now :(.
Karen xx
Have been awake half the night and feeling decidedly dodgy at the moment [xx(].
I'm going to try to get to the clinic and see how it goes.
Now I am just praying they don't weigh me today. I do not want to know how much weight I have gained :(.
Karen
Hannahlou84
18-05-06, 11:03
Good luck for today.
Did you decide what sort of therapy to ask for? Or are you going to discuss it more? I hope they can start the ball rolling on that asap for you. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Karen,
I hope you made it in to the clinic and have a good day and feel better as the day goes on.
Lisa x
Still thinking of you mate.:)
Love Piglet xxx
Hi Karen,
Hope things are going well for you today.
Thinking of you, :)
Heather
(((((((KAREN)))))))
Just want to say I'm thinking about you hun - I'm so busy and tired I'm not getting on here but you are on my mind...
Be strong...
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi All
Thank you for all the messages.
What a difficult day. I knew I was going to suffer having taken so many extra laxatives last night, which is part of the point of taking them. However, I have been very ill today. I only had about an hour’s sleep last night before I was woken by stomach cramps, followed by diarrhoea. My stomach was still sore by the time I needed to leave to get to the clinic but I thought the diarrhoea had passed. Almost as soon as I arrived though the pain got worse and I was rushing to the toilet again. I’ve found toilets in places I didn’t know existed until today, and feel bad that Julia was searching the building for me at one point because I was due to be in a nutrition group but couldn’t leave the toilet.
Eventually I did get to the session but I don’t know how I made it through that hour. I probably should’ve stayed at home, except that I thought this meeting today was important and I didn’t want to be alone. I really believed the effects from the laxatives would wear off.
Lunch was impossible and I was sitting in the lounge hunched up in pain. I felt light headed, weak and trembly, and was also shivering I was so cold. I could feel the griping pains overcoming me again and was also panicking because the toilet arrangement downstairs has been changed. The one I used to use is now the Gents and the Ladies is right next door to the nurses’ office. I could hear staff outside and I was in there for ages. To make things worse the toilet doesn’t flush properly and I had to flush it about 4 times.
As soon as I’d left the toilet I needed to go again though but this time I went upstairs and was up there for about 30 minutes, until Becky knocked on the door to see if I was alright. I had a chat with her and she said she was concerned because I don’t look at all well today and she has been aware that I’ve spent much of the day in and out of various toilets. It is so embarrassing. She is also concerned about the results of my risk assessment.
We had a chat about therapy sessions and she seemed to understand where I am coming from now, even though her approach is different. In a way now I am having second thoughts about seeing someone else. She said I know the theory of how to get better but am stuck when it comes to doing any of it. Although she said it takes courage to sit out a panic attack and wait for it to pass like I did in the self esteem group on Tuesday.
Next I saw Julia and she has arranged another appointment to see the psychiatrist at 9.15 on Monday morning because of the risk alert and also this week’s blood results showed my potassium, sodium and urea levels have all dropped and are now below the normal limits. So now I’ve got 3 days of anticipatory anxiety ahead of me.
She has also arranged for the social worker from the CMHT to come in for a meeting at the beginning of June and seeing as I don’t trust her, or any of the team, I am also worrying about that too.
However, she is investigating my funding status and whether I could attend the clinic for an extra couple of days a week because she said she is concerned that I leave the clinic to come home alone and I am completely alone for over half the week when I am currently at risk from self neglect and self harm.
Unfortunately, the one issue which isn’t much clearer is that of therapy. No decision has been made and it is all rather vague. I am now officially no longer having counselling with Becky (was this a wrong move?), and no alternative arrangements are being set up. Julia mentioned seeing a (male) psychotherapist – but not sure what his approach is, and said she is going to try to do some group work around the solution focused approach next week. She also said I have been working hard for 3 months and have been making lots of improvements, so maybe now is the time for a break from individual therapy. I don’t know what to think about that. Surely that will mean stagnating and not being able to move forward?
I’m now huddled up in bed with a hot water bottle. I still diar
oh karen!!!
i know you know this and its pointless me sayin but u cant keep doin this to your body!!!!! And i am confused by the clinic?? coz wot they on about!!! do they know about all the pills and stuff hun?? im really not meanin to go on or have a go but you cant keep takin these laxatives hun!! im worried about seein you in the papers other than u tellin us about ur day on here!!! if your stomach isnt better hun u will have to get in contact with a doc!!
(((((karen))))))
Luvs Ammegxxxx
(((((Karen))))),
Sorry you had another hard day, not sure I know what to say to help as usual. I think you did so well just to get to the clinic today and cope with everything though so full credit for even going in and coping with the meeting. This just shows how determinded and strong you can be.
I really hope the diorrhoea has settled now and that you can be kinder to yourself tonight, please please try. I hate to think how ill you are and what you're doing to your poor body, it's really not good if the blood tests have deteriorated so quickly. I know it's part of an illness/disorder but I do hope you can find it in you to pull yourself out of this even a little, I know you can, you are stronger than you think Karen and I still think you can do this even if you do need some professional help to do it, there's nothing wrong with that either. Please don't give up, just keep trying.
I am glad that Becky and Julia are now concerned and have finally realised how ill you are and how serious this is, I think things have now got so bad something needs to be done, you really need some help and soon and I hope now that you get it. I agree going in for more days may be a good thing too as a way of keeping you more occupied etc but they need to back this up with some proper help for it to really benefit you.
I hope you get some individual therapy too, think you need that more than group therapy but I'm no expert. The psychotherapy may be interesting depending on the approach.
I really hope you can get through the next few days without going into a deeper crisis, I know how hard weekends are for you.
Still thinking of you, wish I could help more.
I hope you get some sleep tonight, night night,
Love Lisa x x
Thank you Ammeg and Lisa. I am exhausted tonight and fell asleep briefly but woke with a start. I need to stay awake for a bit longer in case K writes and then I hope I can sleep.
Ammeg: Yes the clinic know about the laxatives and the weight loss drugs, which is what put me at medium medical risk on the assessment, and this together with the deterioration in my blood test results is why I have to see a psychiatrist on Monday.
I don't need a doctor thanks Ammeg as my stomach is now settling a little and it is only the number of laxatives I used yesterday which caused me to feel so ill today.
Lisa: Thanks for replying sis. I realise how hard it is for you even reading posts like this and I really appreciate your support.
I think had I known how ill I was going to be I probably wouldn't have gone in today because, apart from anything else, it was very embarrassing when people know what is happening and I just wanted to be in bed and able to use my own bathroom.
The diarrhoea does appear to have stopped now, although I have just chanced having some toast so I hope this doesn't start it off again. I know I do this to myself but even I have had enough, at least for today.
What is so worrying even to me is the compulsion almost to take more laxatives tonight, particularly now I have eaten but I have resisted. I think I am pushing my luck and don't want to end up in hospital. The trouble is I know that by tomorrow I'll be unable to resist again, particularly now it is coming up to the hardest part of the week for me, ie 3 days at home alone.
I am totally caught up and trapped by the laxative abuse now. Mostly I think it isn't that big a deal, particularly compared to what some people do, but I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I can hardly plan to do anything or go anywhere all the time I need to plan everything around when and how many laxatives I've used.
But I also can't get myself off them now that I am using so many. I know this will sound stupid to anyone who hasn't ever had an eating disorder, but I am more scared of the rebound weight gain I know happens after stopping than the effects on my health. Plus my body is so dependent on them that I won't be able to go to the loo normally.
Julia was concern before today but I think Becky noticed how ill I have been today as she hasn't seen me since last week. It is a good thing the blood tests weren't done today. Again I am more concerned about having matters taken out of my hands and being admitted than what I am doing to myself. I am really panicking about Monday, as if weekends are not hard enough as it is.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I agree going in for more days may be a good thing too as a way of keeping you more occupied etc but they need to back this up with some proper help for it to really benefit you.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I agree. It would no doubt help in the short term because things deteriorate when I am at home alone and with no local support. But to make long term changes and to have a chance to get through this I need individual help. Group work and being occupied by being at the clinic is not a long term fix, which is what concerns me still about not getting a decision about therapy and Julia saying this might be the time for a break from trying to push forward. Treading water really isn't going to get me anywhere.
Psychotherapy can be any number of therapy approaches and I am not sure which school of psychology this therapist is trained in. Both K and Jill think I need a combination of CBT and solution focused therapy but the clinic don't seem to have any one therapist that can do both and funding restrictions mean one or the other.
I am very worried about the next few days. It takes so very little to push
Morning all.
Well it is now early Friday morning and I've had very little sleep again. I didn't get to sleep until almost 2.00 and was awake again by 5.00 this morning. During the time I did sleep I was having nightmares.
Now I am feeling so tired but mainly very low and extremely scared that I'll binge again (since I am on my own) and then have a repeat of the past few days where I've seriously overdosed on Xenical and have been taking double the number of laxatives.
I just want to pass the day by sleeping, so I won't eat or have these overwhelming binge thoughts, accompanied by the compulsion to harm mysef further by taking as many laxatives as I can get my hands on. I'm very very scared that I am not strong enough to stop doing this to myself.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just saying hi and that I hope today is ok for you and that you find a way to cope and not binge or take pills/laxatives. I know it must be so hard for you.
Thinking of you sis,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Aww mate - I can't begin to think how rough you must feel. I don't know how the foul effects of the laxatives don't put you off for good:(
Please try to reduce them, your poor little body really needs a rest.
I took the final exam for my A&P yesterday and have covered lots of ground with the reflexology, so feel more on top of the coursework now. Why don't you dig yours out and have a go.:D
Big hug.
Love Piglet xx
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 09:50
Piglet has a sound idea there with focusing on your coursework- that should keep you at least a little distracted for a bit. How about giving it a go?
I believe you're strong enough to stop doing it, Karen, I really do. Have you thought about doing food plans again, (obviously allowing small treats) and being what you are expected to eat within a day, and sticking to it- don't buy things not on the list,and it might make things a little easier. That's what I try to do when I am in binge mode. And it's not restricting because you are aiming for above an amount you want to eat, really- so resulting in a more healthy diet etc. Could you give that a go?
Hope today is okay for you.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thanks Guys
Lisa: Thanks sis. I'm struggling already today. I want to go out for a while to distract myself but then sometimes it makes it worse. Not exactly a nice day here either.
Piglet: Well done on the exam. How long until you get your results? Believe me I have tried to get into the course but concentration levels are zero and my mind is not capable of taking in the information.
I have a new CBT based workbook for eating disorders that arrived this morning so am going to try to do some of that, and also I'm in the middle of transferring loads of computer files etc to CDs so will get on with that. But really I just want to be asleep as then there is no temptation.
Hannah: Thanks for your suggestion. I do go shopping with a list and my food plan (such as it is) doesn't vary much from day to day. I don't eat anything I have to cook because by the time it is ready my anorexic thoughts have talked me out of being able to eat it.
I also cannot keep much food in the house and rely on a few safe foods like rice cakes and fruit basically. I do have bread sometimes but don't feel safe with that either.
As for treats [:O], that would set me up for a binge. I definitely cannot keep anything like that here.
I can't eat the amount I am supposed to a day or that either triggers a binge, or massively over using laxatives and Xenical.
Have a new strategy I am going to give a try now but have to wait for my order to come through. I am not mentioning it here because I don't want to give you ideas Hannah.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you've found something to keep you busy and distracted, the new CBT workbook sounds good, I hope that helps.
It's not a very nice day here either really, was very wet earlier and now very windy - although perfect temperature and pollen not too bad either.
Thinking of you sis, just take each day bit by bit and you can get through it.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks for replying Lisa.
My day has gone downhill since early this morning. I have tried to keep distracting myself. Then I tried to sleep again and when I couldn't I tried more distraction. Nothing works :(.
Everything is getting on top of me now to the point where I really don't care about the damage I am doing to myself because nothing could be worse than the way I feel right now.
I've been fighting off anxiety and panic all morning as I tried to stifle thoughts of bingeing but now I have bought food I don't even really want and have eaten some of it. Therefore I have taken a quantity of laxatives and several Xenical pills again.
Sometimes I am in such despair and distress that I think I am having a complete nervous breakdown. I wish I could just stop eating. I am not even hungry - not physically anyway. It is more an emotional emptiness.
Now I am even obsessing about K despite my best efforts not to. She didn't respond to my message last night about yesterday, or the one about the awful day I had on Wednesday, despite her being online on other sites many times during the day and evening. Still no message today either.
I really am trying to let these obsessive thoughts go because I had been doing so much better but another situation is not helping things, and I am in a state.
Just been researching more weight loss pills because I just can't do any of this anymore.
Waiting for the laxatives to work now as physical illness will at least numb out the emotional distress for a short while :(.
Karen xx
Oh Karen,
I wish I could say or do something to help. Your poor poor body :(.
Please stop researching other pills, the ones you already use don't help and just make you ill, you don't need others, you really don't.
We all care about the damage you're doing to yourself even if you don't....and I think you do care really.
Don't know what else to say really, whatever I say seems inadequate.
I am still thinking of you though, please try and look after yourself.
I do wish you could find some sort of distraction, could you call in on Jac for even an hour sometime over the weekend maybe?
Love and a very huge (((((((((hug)))))))))
Lisa x x
Sorry Lisa. I know the concern this is causing and I wish I could stop but I just can't do it. I took more laxatives than normal before I binged on the food at lunchtime and they have hardly had any effect. So now I feel so grossly fat that I want to take more so I can feel empty.
It seems after the double amount I took on Wednesday that my body needs that many again to be able to get rid of everything.
You'll be glad to know that I haven't (so far) ordered any other pills mainly due to being distracted on MSN all afternoon (thanks Trac and Piglet). But I don't think anything will stop me being desperate to lose this weight, and it gets worse the more distressed I feel.
Right now I am feeling very abandoned but I can't say much about that, as well as being now desperate to hear from K.
All the remaining junk food went in the bin, covered in bleach again, but not before I'd eaten toast, a Special K cereal bar and some Snack A Jacks, on top of what I ate at lunchtime. Now I am still eating - grapes this time but I am going to gain so much weight :(. I hate myself for eating.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 20:05
Hi Karen,
That "binge" doesn't sound too bad. Most of that is low cal, and the grapes are good for you. Try not to focus too much on it all. I know it's hard, but you can.
Well done for being distracted. Most people on my MSN ignore me or hate me. lol... not sure it's funny though.
Keep at it. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
The binge was worse at lunchtime though with chocolate, crisps and cheese [xx(].
I just want the laxatives to work so I can get rid of the feeling of having food inside me.
I feel so bad that I can't even be trusted alone for one day without bingeing again. I am so gross and fat.
I'm sure people don't ignore or hate you Hannah. I rarely login to MSN but was logged in today and it did help to have someone to chat to.
Now I am so tired but waiting to hear from K. Wish she would reply because now I am getting paranoid that she might abandon me too :(.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I'm glad it helped you by chatting on MSN. Distraction helps me too.
Sending you a (((Hug)))
Take Care,
Heather
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 20:54
Your bingeing this afternoon was more restricted though, so give yourself some credit for that. I think you probably ended up bingeing because you expected too. Perhaps yuo could try and look at tomorow in a different way?
I don't like MSN that much- but then is probably because people don't really want to talk to me on it, because I'm too boring, or too much hard work! I don't use it often either, but when I do it doesn't usually leave me feeling too good,because of the company. I hope you had some better company then!
K isn't going to abandon you. She's come this far with you she wouldn't give up now. Try and think positively about that... she's even promised you she won't leave you... hold on to that- it's better than being really uncertain- and it is okay to feel like you really need her when things get tough- so don't beat yourself up for it
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thanks Heather and Hannah.
Maybe there was a degree of expectation but it was mainly emotional upset and distress.
I know what K has said and deep down I don't think she is going to abandon me but I didn't think this other person would either. Plus I need her more than I should right now and am getting too upset about not having contact. Need to punish myself some more for that.
Wish these laxatives would work. I am so tempted to take more now [B)].
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 21:25
This other person could not have had a real understanding, not really- and maybe it is better for you long term just to have K in that sense? There would be less guilt from needing them then. Don't feel guilty about this other person not being around for you. It's not your fault- and you are being punished more than enough by them not being there.
I am here and probably need as much distraction as you do if you need to talk- or offload- I am never good at getting on with things if everything else has built up! [:I]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Karen,
Well done for not ordering any other pills but please don't take any more laxatives, sounds like you've had more than too many already.
What you ate earlier could not be classed as a binge anyway, a cereal bar and snack a jacks and toast is not bingeing.
You do not need to punish yourself for anything, you have done nothing wrong, I do wish you could see this, you are not bad, I just wish there was some way for you to start believing it.
K won't adandon you either, I think you know that deep down.
I still feel helpless and wish I could say more to help or could suggest something that would work for you, I hate hearing that you are struggling so much.
I hope you sleep well tonight, thinking of you.
Night night,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks for your replies Hannah and Lisa.
Hannah: I wish I could just rely on K but that's not really good either. I can't write to her again as she already has a very long message about the last 2 days and I need a reply to that before I write anything else. Plus I am so tempted to write to this other person again, even though there seems to be no point.
Lisa
I am so tempted to take more laxatives even though I know what happened yesterday after taking double on Wednesday. I can't believe the number I took today has not had hardly any effect and can't stand this feeling of having food inside me. It is bad and I need to get rid of it. It reminds me how bad I am.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What you ate earlier could not be classed as a binge anyway, a cereal bar and snack a jacks and toast is not bingeing.<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 19 May 2006 : 21:29:11</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That was just this evening though. I did binge at lunchtime. I just feel constantly anxious about anything to do with food or eating. I want to stop eating completely and have so many thoughts about how to do that.
I appreciate you caring sis and your messages do help to know you care. I am beginning to doubt anyone can actually help me get better now and maybe I am a lost cause.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 21:55
It's OK to need K a lot at the moment- and I know it's frustrating for replies, but if it was a long message she is probably thinking what best to say to help you- so try not to fret over it too much.
I personally would try really hard not to bother with the other person, I had to do this with R, and it's hard, but it is better long term (though I am not actually over her yet- how sad).
You aren't a lost cause, Karen. Well, you don't have to be, but if you keep telling yourself that this is the case it is going to be 100 times more difficult for you to get better. Do you keep a "positive book" at all? Where you write down different things you have done each day that could be considered positive, however trivial? El believes it helps with serotonin- and I have to say, sometimes it makes me feel a little better, a little more in control.
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Awww Karen,
(((((Hugs))))) sis.
I'm glad the messages of support help, but do wish I could do far more to help. You are not bad at all and not a lost cause, there is still hope even if you can't see that right now. Please do not take any more laxatives keep resisting, you CAN do it.
Night night,
Lisa x
It's true that I am a failure. I gave in and took some more laxatives - not many but I was panicking that they weren't working. I know it is very stupid and now I've made things worse.
Just cannot cope tonight. I know K won't write now and she hasn't read my message either. I can't send her another one. I can't write to the other person. I'm being pathetic for feeling abandoned by both of them now.
I really don't care what this is doing to my health anymore. I deserve to be ill, or worse. It's my own fault.
Karen
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 22:50
You're not pathetic. Your feelings about this other person are normally, and it is going to take time. Have they actually said they don't want you to contact them? Do you think it would help you any if you did?
You know that K isn't going anywhere- and it's not pathetic or wrong to need her. She is a person who has shown you kindness where others haven't and you need her right now. That is fine. Maybe she has a lot going on at the moment and wants to give you the time you deserve. You'll wonder what all the worrying was about when you hear from her.
You don't derserve bad things to happen to you, or to feel ill. That was a little daft to take more laxatives, but what's done is done and I hope you aren't too too poorly. I can't stand the thought of using laxatives myself, but I do understand why you have. Please don't take anymore- keep busy.
You don't want to be ill. You want to fight this and be better- you just need to try and believe that more, because the feelings of guilt that are coming through show that's how you feel deep down.
I should be around for a few hours yet if you want to discuss things somewhere less "public" or I can keep posting here.
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thanks Hannah
It is awkward talking about the attachment problem here. I know there will be a good reason why K hasn't been in contact. She usually does reply on Thursdays but Friday is a day she often is not in touch. I suppose I just hoped she would write today as she didn't yesterday. It is unusual for her to miss 2 days in a row unless she is away.
Have not taken anymore laxatives but I have ordered some different pills. I am getting desperate now and taking extreme action despite knowing how detrimental it could be to my health.
If I am completely alone, which it is obvious I am on days like today, then I feel my life has no meaning and there everything is hopeless.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 23:53
Hey Karen,
As I've said if you want to talk about it more (if you think it will help) I am happy for you to email or PM...
Are you stopping the other pills? Combining them on top of everything else you are using would be really dangerous, and may even decrease the effectiveness because your body will be so busy trying to repair the damage..
I'm sure K will be in touch as soon as she can. Try not to worry about it too much, her response is something to look forward to, and you will get one.
Your life has meaning, you help so many people here. I know it's hard when you're alone, or you aren't quite but noone around you cares, but it doesn't mean that nobody anywhere does. Everybody here cares about you a lot. I just wish I could think of something you would like to do that would get you out and about on the weekend at least. You can beat this Karen, I know you can. I do have every faith in your strength.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thanks Hannah. I've just taken my sleeping pills and am going to try to sleep.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Are you stopping the other pills? Combining them on top of everything else you are using would be really dangerous, and may even decrease the effectiveness because your body will be so busy trying to repair the damage..</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No, I have no plans to stop the other pills.
I don't feel like my life has any meaning and I just hurt people and cause problems.
The only reason I have for going out is to get my daily supplies of laxatives. I wish they were sold in bigger packs [Sigh...].
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
20-05-06, 01:11
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">.
I don't feel like my life has any meaning and I just hurt people and cause problems.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 20 May 2006 : 01:01:53</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You need to stop telling yourself this to stop believing it. You don't hurt people and you don't cause problems..you don't, you can't help how things are at the moment, but beating yourself up doesn't make them any better either.
Your life doesn't feel like it has meaning at the moment because you feel trapped, that will feel better as you do, and there will be things you want to do, and are happy to do.
I hope you get a good nights sleep. I think I need stronger sleeping tablets- I took some half hour ago, and got nowhere!
Is there really nothing you can think of that you could tomorrow? Or Sunday? When was the last time you got to spend time with Jac and her daughter? Perhaps you could make that a Friday or weekend distraction, especially as you are eating better now, and won't be as tempted to binge etc,
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi All
I did eventually get to sleep last night but not until after 4.00am because of more diarrhoea which hit as soon as I tried to sleep. I slept until 6.00am but then just dozed after that. I hate this not sleeping again because the days are long and hard enough as it is.
Also had a horrible nightmare about being woken up in my flat by all these people bursting into my bedroom. There were police, psychiatrists and social workers, and they had come to drag me off to hospital. I was frantically trying to hide under my duvet but they were pulling at me from all angles in such a frenzied way, dragging me away from here. I woke up believing for a minute that I’d been locked away in some psychiatric hospital, where everything had been taken from me.
Most material possessions are not important to me but I had no laptop (and therefore no contact with K or my friends here), no phone, no photos – like the one I have of K by my bed so I can try to imagine her here talking to me when things are bad, and not even any of the safe clothes I wear now which enable me to hide beneath baggy layers. The room was stark with just a bed and nothing else. I had been put in a flimsy white gown which showed every lump and bump of fat. Hiding in bed was even impossible because there was just one very thin sheet on it.
This is what I have become and what life is like for me now; stark, empty and incredibly isolated, particularly in the past few of days. I live in constant terror of eating or even being anywhere near food to such an extent that even thinking about it causes me to panic. At the same time, I am petrified that the events in my dream will actually happen because I am getting so much worse.
Got up briefly earlier and had more diarrhoea again, so went back to bed. Thankfully I had a message from K this morning, so I've been lying in bed writing a reply.
I need to go out to get a couple of things, including going to the chemist for a prescription and other supplies but can't face getting out of bed or going anywhere. I need to top up my mobile too because it's the only phone I've can use at the moment. I need a few essentials from the supermarket but don't want to go anywhere near there. This is how out of control I feel because I don't trust myself. It is so pathetic.
Hannah: What sleeping pills are you taking? Mine take about an hour before I start to feel a bit drowsy and then I usually fall asleep listening to my walkman.
I can't see Jac at the weekend at all, even though several people have suggested it. This is her family time as it is the only time they get to spend together as a family.
Might try to go back to sleep and avoid today.
Karen xx
(((((Hugs))))) Karen,
Really wish I could think of something useful to say, it's so hard to read how much you are struggling and not be able to offer any help or useful suggestions. Please do not take the other pills you have ordered on top of the current ones, that would just be so dangerous to your poor body :(. It really scares me to see how bad things are getting. I know I probably shouldn't read but if I don't read I worry about you anyway and then feel guilty for not posting or feel I've abondoned you. And don't apologise for being truthful here, I'm glad you can be and you need somewhere to vent but it's hard when theres not much we can do to help. I can see you getting worse and crying out for help and I hope you get some soon. And please don't say you will stop posting here as it's upsetting people as I would feel awful if you did that, you need to be honest here, but of course we all worry about you because you are a lovely person and a good friend and we care about you very much.
Sorry this is short, I'd love to say more if I could think of anything useful that is.I am tired and trying to get so much done right now, just don't have the time to be here as much and support you as much as I'd like - and I feel so guilty as I know you've having a hard time. Please don't give up, things can get better.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I do appreciate that my posts are difficult to read and I do worry about causing concern. Please don't apologise for not knowing what to say. I don't think anyone does really. I am just in such a state of distress right now that I don't know how to cope apart from taking it out on myself.
Tried to sleep for a while earlier but couldn't after that nightmare because I kept thinking about it every time I closed my eyes. So I made the effort to get up and went to Tesco. But now I am worse. The anxiety starts before I've even left home. I had a list but the anxiety turned to panic. I couldn't get the fruit I wanted and then it's like the eating disorder part of my head just takes over and I bought 2 items that I don't want to eat because they are fattening but picked them up anyway and had put them in my basket before I knew what I was doing.
I'm afraid then I went to the pharmacy bit and picked up 4 packs of laxatives - the most I've dared buy from one place in one go until now. The noise, the people, the thoughts about how fat I already am and those two items staring at me in my basket... My head was a mess and I was in full blown panic, rushing to get to the check out so I could escape. Then I became of this woman saying something, but it was like I could see her lips moving but there was no sound, except for the noise of other shoppers. Next thing I knew she was shouting at me.
I really don't know how I held myself together enough to get through the check out, particularly with thinking everyone would know why I had bought so many packets of laxatives.
When I got outside Tesco I suddenly thought that what if 4 isn't enough? What if I need more, or I can't get any on Monday, even though I had 2 boxes at home already. So then I went into Boots and bought another 3 boxes.
Now I am back home and in bed, safely hiding my grossly obese body under the duvet. I am still in a state and still on the verge of panic. I want to get rid of that food before I eat any of it but Edie - damned eating disorder - won't let me. She won't let me and it's because I am so bad :(:(:(.
Wish I could cry or let the emotion out in some other way but all I can do is punish myself with more laxatives. I wish K was here. I wish I had a family who cared. I wish I could just stop feeling anything. I wish I could just stop existing.
Karen xx
Awwww Karen (((((hugs))))).
Nearly made me cry reading all that, I really feel for you. I wish I lived closer as I would come round and spend time with you then. I can understand you wanting K or someone who cares physically there with you, that makes perfect sense and we all want someone when we are down or unwell.
Well done for even managing to go out and go shopping though, that is a success in itself even though it was so traumatic for you.
You are not bad, or obese etc, I think you are maybe deluded right now if you are believing these thoughts as they are so not true.
Thinking of you, please be sensible with those pills and laxatives, I do not want my sis to get iller or even worse things to happen to you.
Love and more hugs,
Lisa x
Aww thanks Lisa. I wish we lived closer too as we could help each other.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I can understand you wanting K or someone who cares physically there with you, that makes perfect sense and we all want someone when we are down or unwell.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I just want some comfort I suppose because I am in such a state and have no one here to turn to. I think I should be able to cope alone but life is too hard to cope with right now and I feel I have no hope of getting better.
Although people keep disagreeing with me, I am in a much worse state both physically and emotionally than I was a year ago and it all stems from eating and gaining this weight. I know how superficial that sounds but I could cope with the other stuff all the time I was in control of my weight and food intake. Now I feel so useless that I can't even do that and I have nowhere to turn.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You are not bad, or obese etc, I think you are maybe deluded right now if you are believing these thoughts as they are so not true.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I definitely don't want anyone at the clinic to think that. The word 'delusion' was another black cross against me in the risk assessment. I'd rather they think I am bad. They can't section me for being a bad person, but they might try if they think I am suffering from delusions.
Don't worry Lisa. I don't even have the new diet pills yet as I had to order them from America. The laxatives have to last me 2-3 days but nearly 300 should keep me going until I can replenish my supplies. I have been using rather a lot of Xenical today though. It's like laxatives are my way of punishing myself and the Xenical is an attempt to lose weight. It certainly had some effects last night [xx(].
I want to message K and tell her how much I need her but then I will end up blowing all the progress I had been making there too. I do need her though. I shouldn't want someone to be a substitute mum to me at my age but I am getting those feelings again of wishing she could be.
Karen xx
Hi ya mate,
Hope to catch you on msn again soon - me you and Trac had a right laugh the other night and it would be nice to do it again. :D:D:D:D
You have more mates than you realise :D:D
Love Piglet xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
The laxatives have to last me 2-3 days but nearly 300 should keep me going until I can replenish my supplies.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 20 May 2006 : 17:21:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
[:O][:O][:O] Surely you are not taking that many in 2-3 days! I hope not anyway.
Piglet is right, you do have alot of friends, I know we can't be with you but we care about you so much :).
Love Lisa x
Thanks for your support.
Piglet: Yes it was good to chat. Will be good to do it again when I am not in such a distressed state.
Lisa: Thank you. I do know you care and I appreciate the support I receive here. Just that I am desperate for some personal help right now.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">[:O][:O][:O] Surely you are not taking that many in 2-3 days! I hope not anyway.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 20 May 2006 : 17:47:39</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well it's getting that way [:I][B)].
Karen xx
That's not good sis :(. I though 50 per day was scary but nearer 100 [:O]. The main thing is it's not doing you any good, it really isn't. I know you know that but your blood results and electrolytes will be getting even worse and I know you realise this is serious as you were telling Hannah the same. Please try and cut down a bit at least? Please sis?
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Sorry Lisa.
I am feeling worse and need to take more to punish myself because I am either so very bad, or someone hates me. But it must be that I'm bad :(. It seems tonight that the op I had has failed.
This is the more than I can take and it's the end. I don't want to fight this anymore.
Karen xx
Oh Karen hun....
I'm so sorry you feel so bad.....
I don't know what to say either, but you do have so many people that care about you but it's hard for us to know what to do...
I just hope you are hitting rock bottom and that you will be able to come up again soon.
Thinking of you hun and sending huge ((((((((HUGS))))))))
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Fee.
I don't know what to say anymore either. I just want a way out.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
So sorry to hear that you think your op has failed, what a shame, did they tell you it may not work?
What do you mean by it's the end? I hope nothing drastic. I can understand you want out of all this suffering and are tired of fighting this but please don't give up, it IS worth fighting for and so are you. Please hold on to that even if you don't believe it right now.
I do wish you could cut down on these pills and laxatives, as an outsider it appears that you get worse and feel worse the more you take, either way they are not helping you are they, they just make you feel ill, it doesn't matter how many you take they don't help and are not the answer. I know it's hard for you being alone especially at weekends, but the help you need may be just round the corner at the clinic you never know, you may still get some individual therapy. What would you say to someone else in a similar position? Can you try and apply any of this to yourself? I just don't know what to suggest as I'm not experienced in these things but I want to help and hate seeing you get worse physically and mentally. You are one of the nicest people Karen and not bad or any of the things you believe, just because you believe them doesn't make them true. Sometimes things have to get worse in order to get better but you CAN get better you really can, just don't give up ok.
THinking of you, love and a huge (((((hug)))))
I hope you sleep well tonight,
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
They always say there is a chance it won't work but after the op they said they'd found the cause and dealt with it, so I hoped it would be alright from now on.
I'm overwraught, very low and exhausted so take no notice of what I am saying.
I wish I could get off all the pills and laxatives but it's too hard. I need to use them until I can stop eating again.
Thanks for continuing to try sis. I really appreciate everything you've been doing for me.
Karen xx
Hi Karen, still read when I can but think about you often, my advice would be no good, as I havent been where you are but you have my thoughts, take care.xxx
Thank you Alexis. I really appreciate your support particularly when you have your own problems at present.
Karen xx
You're welcome sis.
Try and get some rest and sleep and look after yourself.
Thinking of you,
Lots of love
and ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))
and (((((squeezes)))))
and *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
and some smiles :):):):):):):)
Lisa x x
Thanks Lisa.
I think I am getting gall bladder symptoms from overusing the Xenical again [xx(].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope the symptoms settle down, those xenical need throwing out! or at least if you must use them use no more than the recommended dose. Your doctor has told you how dangerous they can be, you have to find a way to stop them, you really do. Sorry for the lecture, only cos I care.
I do hope you feel better soon.
Hope you get some sleep soon too,
Night sis,
Lisa x
nomorepanic
21-05-06, 00:31
Karen
You have to stop this abuse please. It can kill you!
Nicola
Lisa: I know the risks my doctor warned me about but I still can't stop. Every time I eat, and particularly when I overeat like the past 2 days, I feel the need to keep taking a pill in between mouthfuls of food.
Nic: I'm sorry. I have tried to stop. I keep asking for help but my pleas were falling on deaf ears by everyone except my GP who does what she can. It is only now that the laxative abuse is showing up on blood tests and taking its toll on my health that the clinic are taking notice.
I know I could die from what I am doing but in my present emotional crisis I get more distressed by feeling out of control with food, eating and my weight than by the prospect of dying. I'm sorry to say that but it's the way I am feeling.
Julia thinks this is all a reaction to things that are happening in my life at present. All I know it that I was far less at risk from health problems when I was just restricting food. Weight gain has brought with it such distress and increased self-loathing and this along with other issues make it difficult for me to stop self-abusing.
I realise the concern I am causing and I'm really sorry about that. I constantly think I should keep what I am doing to myself to avoid causing worry but I have no other form of support.
I don't want to be like this or feel such despair every minute of every day but I just don't know what to do about it.
Karen xx
I do hope you are feeling a little brighter today mate.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I too hope you're feeling a bit brighter/better today.
You really do need to stop abusing your poor body, I know you have tried and say you can't but you HAVE to find a way, with or without help from the clinic. You need to stop those xenical for a start and the laxatives have got to a dangerously high level per day too. You don't need to pop a pill with every mouthful at all, try and resist each time you want to do that, initially it will be very hard, but then gradually you will be able to resist for a bit longer etc. Taking more than three xenical a day is bad even for obese people. This is a good method if you can't just stop them (which would be better obviously). Mentally it will be hard to fight the feeling of wanting to take them but it CAN be done, you may even feel distraught initially but you feel that with what you're doing now don't you. It's the same principle as me and my health anxiety in some ways (although much harder I expect). I had to resist googling, asking for reassurance and seeing the doc so much etc, it's the same principle for you resisting the pills. I found it so hard to start with but it gets easier and easier the more I can do it. I really think you can do this, but you have to really want to. Sorry if that is harsh, I'm not saying you don't want to get better as I know you do and I know you try. What I mean is that there is a part of you that thinks what you're doing is helping and does not want to stop doing this. Please give this some very serious thought, life is precious, your life is precious and you are very special to many people. You still could have a happy fulfilled life ahead of you, try and reach out and try and start grasping it. I still hope the clinic will help you alot more but if not get any help you can, private CBT or whatever. Things just can't go on as they are or some sort of crisis (medical or otherwise) could happen.
Sorry if you find me harsh today (blame my hormones lol) but I really care Karen and want to help.
I hope you can chat to Julia again tomorrow and be honest about this weekend so that they can help you more and asap!
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa and Piglet
Thanks for your replies.
Lisa: I don't think you are being harsh or saying anything that I suspect a lot of people are thinking alreadu.
I have been getting through today by sleeping and you'll no doubt not like the way I achieved that either. Plus I took a quantity of laxatives before going to bed this morning and hope they clear my body of all the bad food I ate yesterday. I know it won't make any difference to the calories but I still need to feel I've emptied myself of all food.
I know the self abuse is bad but I feel trapped. The number of laxatives I took this morning I would've expected to be taking effect by now and that's when I panic and take even more. I would too if I didn't have to be at the clinic early tomorrow. I feel bloated and fat and so desperate I want to cut the fat away. If the laxatives don't work I don't know what I'll do.
I do want to get off laxatives but am taking such a high amount that it is going to cause all kinds of problems. The one I am most concerned about though is rebound weight gain and fluid retention, which can last weeks or months. I am fat enough as it is. But at the same time I don't want to cause any further long term damage to my bowels than I have already.
The clinic are meant to be able to help with this kind of thing but they just tell me to cut down which isn't very helpful.
As to the Xenical, you are right that a big part of me doesn't want to stop using this all the time I believe it will help with weight loss. The risks don't even factor into it. I want to lose weight at any price, particularly now I know my op failed. Losing weight and getting back to the low weight I was before is the only way to deal with it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You still could have a happy fulfilled life ahead of you, try and reach out and try and start grasping it.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Another problem is that I don't believe this either. I don't have enough to keep me here. I don't believe I will ever feel any different to the way I've felt all my life and it is hard to find motivation to do anything in those circumstances.
I might talk to Julia tomorrow, as I want to find out if she did manage to sort out funding for me to attend the clinic for extra days. I won't be saying anything about this weekend when I see the psychiatrist for self preservtion reasons and I am not sure I will tell Julia the full extent of this weekend either. I am too worried about being taken in as an inpatient.
Thanks for your advice sis and I know it is because you care.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Have another big (((((hug))))).
I hope you have a better night tonight and that tomorrow goes well with Julia and the psychiatrist. I will be thinking of you.
I can understand you not wanting to be honest with the psychiatrist yet part of me feels that if you can't you may not get the help you need from the clinic (not that you are currently either). I can understand you not wanting to be admitted though but I doubt anything would be worse than how you are feeling right now. If you carry on as you are you could end up in hospital at the very least at some point I expect, unless you are very lucky. The best answer would be the right therapy and support and extra days at the clininc maybe and I expect Julia will have mentioned this to the psychiatrist. Have you actually told Julia your fears of being admitted or having ECT? It might help her to understand that you don't feel that would help you and why. It would also be interesting to hear what they think you need to get better, they are supposed to be the experts! I do believe they have badly let you down and not provided what they claim to offer. She is right in saying cut down the laxatives etc but you need a plan and support with this too and soon before it gets any more out of hand.
Alot of your thoughts seem deluded right now, if that's the right word, but you're certainly believing lots of things that are not true, like food is bad inside you (it's not it's good and nutritious), like you're fat (you're not) etc . Losing weight is not the answer to all this but you need help to find you way to that point. I know you can't see a future but you can have one and you can get better.
I hope you do get funding for more days at the clinic as that could help in so many ways but also you seem to take less laxatives when you have to be up early to be somewhere the next day and any reduction is good.
Anyway I'll leave it there as I doubt any of this really helps you and I don't understand enough about eating disorders to be of any real help. I just hate seeing what you are going through and try my bit to help.
Sleep well sis,
Love Lisa x x
Karen,
Why should you not have a much better life in the future?
It's quite obvious to me that you have a number of people on this site who want to be and are friends with you. They cherish and value you. They may live too far away, or or unable to meet up with you because of their own issues. Just as your health sometimes prevents you from meeting up with them.
If you think about this, and then apply it to a situation where you didn't have these handicaps, you would soon realise that many more people would choose you as your friend. Many people on this site do not have too many friends at all, but that is due mainly to the disorder making them isolated, or their own history giving them an impediment in forging friendships through no fault of their own.
So next time you reach out to the medicine cabinet THINK.
Think that there is only one Karen, who is therefore a special and unique being.
Please don't abuse yourself, as you'll hurt more people than you can ever imagine.
Be Strong,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you for your replies Lisa and Ray.
I'm feeling too ill right now to write a coherent response but just wanted to say thanks for the support and I'll write more when I'm feeling up to it.
Self-induced pain is taking its toll on me tonight.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Best hugs I have got and some!!!!
Love Piglet xxx
No No No... I can't do any of it.
On top of a nightmare weekend, I am certain my recent operation has failed and I'd pinned all my hopes on it working.
This is further proof that I'm bad and deserve punishment. This is as bad as my distressed feelings about my size and weight.
I can't live with this which is why I had the surgery in the first place. I can't live with any of it. Unless I can reach my target weight and very soon then I don't want to live. I don't care if I am indulging in destructive behaviours.
I just want out :(:(:(.
((((((KAREN))))))
Nothing we can say is going to help at the moment.... but so many people DO care about you - you are the only one who thinks badly of you....
You must get help. There is no way you can go on like this. Please don't leave it too late.
Sometimes the only way to get better is to hit the bottom and let go of all the behaviours that you have mistakenly think help you to cope. Clearly they are not working. You will have to start from scratch somehow....
You CAN do it and it is totally possible to come back from here to a life you can't even begin to imagine right now....
Do NOT give up on yourself - give up on this behaviour instead.
I will be thinking of you Karen.... please take care.
Loads and loads of love and hugs.
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you for your message Fee.
Sorry I don't have time to respond in full now. Have to get ready to leave soon for this appointment with the psychiatrist :(. I am so scared.
Karen xx
Will be checking in again later to see how you got on.
Love Piglet xx
Sending you (((HUGS))))
Take Care,
Heather
hey karen
hope ur feelin better!! how did the psyc go??? sorry your feelin so crappy!!!
(((((((karen))))))
Ammegxxx
Hi Karen,
I can imagine how scared you are but I hope it went well today, I am thinking of you. I hope you get some more help from the clinic now.
I agree with Fee though, you really must get some help of some sort.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I'm very worried about you from reading your last few posts. I think we all are.
It's hard for you to accept but we care about you too much to see you hurt yourself like this. Just want to echo everyone elses thoughts; you must stop all these pills.
You know they aren't doing you any good, in the long run I mean (obviously they 'help' with your weight but you need to realise you don't need them for this purpose).
Hope you got on ok today and that you can get some extra help with all of this. Or I am scared about what might happen. I know it's not through lack of trying, it seems you have gone down all available paths. There must be something out there or the system has failed you which is unacceptable.
Keep trying Karen. I know you will get there.
Tammy x
Hi All
I want to thank every one of you for the supportive messages and for thinking of me today.
It's been a really hard day and I am so scared. The appointment with the psychiatrist didn't go well and I am scared that I could be forcibly admitted to the clinic by the end of the week.
He said my blood test results and laxative abuse could lead to heart failure which can happen suddenly and without warning. I personally think these are just scare tactics and am not concerned, although I didn't say that to him.
What got to me most though is the implication that I was lying. He asked how many laxatives I take and I told the truth. I had already told Julia, but he said patients minimise the abuse and he could add 10-20 onto the number I told him. I looked to Julia for support because I have been open and honest about what I am doing but she didn't say anything. If they don't trust me then how can I have trust in them? If I was going to lie I would say I am using a lot less laxatives than I am actually taking.
Then he said that on paper they have enough to admit me now and would be recommending admission if I was presenting for the first time, but because I have been attending for a while they are going to give me a chance to turn things around. In the meantime I have to have an ECG (which I don't want because it is embarrassing) and they want to see this week's blood results. These are bound to be bad though because of the bad week and weekend I've just had.
Antidepressants didn't even come into the equation in the end because apparently they'd be ineffective while I am using laxatives and have so much diarrhoea.
Julia enquired with the funding officer about me attending 5 days a week but I don't have enough sessions left for this and more funding can't be approved until the next funding panel meeting in June. I don't know how they'd get the funding for inpatient treatment then.
So I have to either carry on as I am, or go half days so I can attend more often. Neither of these options are really helpful or giving me extra support.
I am no further forward with getting individual therapy either. I am now beginning to regret finishing my sessions with Becky which were better than nothing. Now I have no individual help at all.
How can I get any better with less support now than I had to start with and with the stress of enforced admission hanging over me. I am not going in for treatment no matter what anyone says. It will make me worse.
I'm feeling very fed up and terrified tonight.
Karen xx
(((((KAREN)))))
I know how scared you are but your thinking is so skewed - you SHOULD be concerned about your physical conditions - this is a huge part of the problem.
It's a shame the psych didn't believe you, but if you think logically he doesn't know you and most anorexics do lie don't they? If he knew you it wouldn't be excusable. Julia probably didn't feel confident enough to say anything just in case she was wrong...?
We are all so worried about your physical heath and terrified that you will have a heart attack or something - it is possible and it would be totally irresponsible of the health care professionals not to take this very very seriously. They have a duty of care to you.
As your friends we can all see that some serious intervention is essential and if inpatient treatment is all that is on offer it is better than what you are doing to yourself. Anything is better than that. We all just want you to be well enough again to get yourself back on track and pray that you manage it this week.
You are constantly in my thoughts hun.
Loads and loads of love n hugs.
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
(((((Hugs))))) sis.
I agree with what Fee said too.
Your physical condition is of concern and he is so right to be concerned. Electrolyte inbalances really can seriously affect the heart, that's not a scare tactic, well yes it's scary but it's also very true. You need to see the seriousness of this situation now or I can't bear to think what may happen.
I can understand that it was hard that he didn't believe you about the laxatives especially as it must have been hard for you to admit the truth, but as fee said he doesn't know you and many people do lie so he is going from his experience so try not to take it personally, hard I know.
I too agree that if inpatient treatment is needed to save you life they it is necessary, things really really can't go on as they are any more. it may be scary but no worse than you feel now and you COULD get well Karen, you really could, although I know you can't imagine that. The only way to avoid this is to find some way to turn this around yourself if you can. I know the clinic have failed you in many ways and you need proper help though, I just hope you get some before it's too late.
Sorry to be harsh again, I hope you understand it's because I care, I really do, you are a lovely special person who deserves so much support and help.
Love Lisa x x
Hi Karen,
I hope you got some sleep.
I hope today is ok at the clinic, will be thinking of you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Fee, Lisa and Lucy (and anyone else reading). Thank you for your messages last night. I was so exhausted I fell asleep for some of the evening and I was too tired to reply.
Fee: The problem is I am more scared of him, being admitted and being forced to eat and therefore gain more weight, than I am of what the laxatives are doing to me. I didn't take as many last night but now feel really horrible and bloated this morning because I didn't take enough. It was a rather feeble attempt to make some difference to the blood tests today but I think it is too late after the amount of laxative abuse I've indulged in during the past week.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It's a shame the psych didn't believe you, but if you think logically he doesn't know you and most anorexics do lie don't they? If he knew you it wouldn't be excusable. Julia probably didn't feel confident enough to say anything just in case she was wrong...?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Julia is perfectly capable to saying what she needs to and I did feel a bit upset that she didn't back me up on this. I have never lied to them about the laxatives or diet pills but am being treated as if I am lying.
The truth is I have been repeatedly asking for help with this for weeks and weeks but they've waited until my health is at risk before taking any action.
Thanks Fee for such a lovely message. I know you and others here are concerned about my health. I really don't think I am about to drop down dead from heart failure and I am more anxious about the ECG, due to embarrassment and feeling vulnerable removing clothes [:I].
Lucy: Thanks for your message. It is so much appreciated and I know it is hard to imagine what this is like unless someone has been through it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know online friends are mostly faceless and can't give you that physical shoulder for support and love but hell,there are lots of people here that are rooting for you to be a well happy person and you are in our thoughts....</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
All my online friends are very important to me and I really don't want to go and stay at the clinic and be cut off from everyone.
Lisa:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Your physical condition is of concern and he is so right to be concerned. Electrolyte inbalances really can seriously affect the heart, that's not a scare tactic, well yes it's scary but it's also very true. You need to see the seriousness of this situation now or I can't bear to think what may happen.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
OK so maybe it wasn't just scare tactics, but many people have these complications from eating disorders for years and don't have heart problems. I think it is a bit over the top to frighten me with talk of admission the first time my levels dip below normal.
[quote]<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I too agree that if inpatient treatment is needed to save you life they it is necessary, things really really can't go on as they are any more. it may be scary but no worse than you feel now and you COULD get well Karen, you really could, although I know you can't imagine
Grrrr just typed a long post and lost the lot! Grrr.
Hi Karen,
Hope today is better for you.
I agree that the clinic should have acted far sooner then they have and given you help long before things got this bad. You have every right to feel let down, I am angry at them too.
Your thoughts seem so skewed right now, for example your health IS far more at risk now than it was before due to the laxative abuse, particularly the amount you are now taking and the amount of xenical. Also the fact that your electrolytes are now low, this can be really serious and really can affect your heart and health, they are really not scare tactics at all, it's true. Your body is not designed to take this sort of abuse. You just don't seem to see or believe there is a problem but there is. I know it's your eating disorder that makes you think this way but it's lying to you and will lead you to more harm. Please try and start taking this seriously sis as it really is now.
Sorry to be harsh and for saying what I think, but things have got so serious and it's only because I care and am concerned for a lovely friend. If you want me to shut up or stop posting here I will, I don't want to upset you, just trying to help.
When is the ECG? I hope it goes ok. I can understand you not wanting to get undressed, it's not pleasant I know but they really do need to check your heart and that's the most important thing.
Thinking of you and really hoping they sort you out a sensible plan of help.
Love Lisa x
Karen try not to worry about the ECG its been a long time since I had one and I can't remember if I was allowed to keep my bra on or not [:I][:I] so hope you can then it wont be too embarassing for you.
My thoughts are soooo with you at the moment but I feel since the last time I was speaking 'plainly' felt like I was upsetting you I am not sure what to say.
Please be assured that whether you go into hosp or not I am still only at the end of a phone line. I consider you a pal of mine and like the others just want you to get better. You do live close enough to Fee and I to make getting together in the future a real possibility and I for one would really like that :D:D:D
Take care lovie :)
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
((((((KAREN))))))
Hi Hun...
You have been on my mind all day and it is difficult to know what to say... I hope so much it went ok today.
The trouble is you are more afraid of putting on weight than anything else in the world now - even really really dangerous amounts of drugs. This has become the area you are completely stuck in. But it is the only way forward - to learn not to be afraid of putting on weight. I'm not saying that you HAVE to put on weight, you just have to find a way of not being terrified of it. To put it in some perspective.
Truthfully, I suspect the only way you will get better IS to put on weight.... not because you are underweight, you may NOT be underweight. But because that is your fear and what leads to the other behaviour.....
Underneath it all there is the depression, the attachment issues, the low self-esteem, but you are now immersed in the weight control issue - you have been backed into a corner and are locked into it....
I am so frustrated for you - you have not had the support you need and there was a time where you really sounded like it was going the right way - except at no time could you even begin to tolerate the idea that something might lead to weight gain. But any successful treatment will lead you not to care about that so much - and that's what you are resisting.
I nearly just deleted all this in case I upset you but I haven't in the end. If I don't say it I feel like I'm colluding.
You are an amazing woman Karen and one day we WILL meet and have LUNCH!!!!! Because that is what I want for you!!! And you will not care at all!
Please take care and take whatever help is offered - I am totally behind you hun.
Loads and loads of love and more hugs,
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Stil thinking of you Karen, hope today went ok.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Night night.:)
Love Piglet x
Hi Karen, keep fighting, thinking of you often, posting rarely, xxx
Wondering where you are since we havent heard from you yesterday.
I will try and text you instead.
Big hugs
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I really hope you get the help you truly need and deserve hun. It is for the best you can't continue like this honey tis not fair on you or your body.
Thinking Of you and sending you POSITIVE vibes and BIG HUGS.
Take Care,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Thanks for texting back so we know you are ok.
I know you are low but please come on the thread and tell us how you are feeling - if you are worried about things to do with the clinic tell us and see if we can try and help to reassure you about some of the stuff.
A few heads are better than none.:):)
It's a bad time hun but it can be turned round and most of us do need support with this.
Best of my hugs to you today and always.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thinking of you karen hun (((((((HUGS)))))))
loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Glad you texted Piglet I was so worried when I saw you hadn't posted. I just pm'd Piglet to see if she had heard from you. Thanks for letting us know Piglet.
Thinking of you Karen, hope you're ok,
(((((Hugs)))))
Lisa x
Hi All
I am so so sorry for causing worry by not logging on here yesterday. I did mean to post but I was so tired when I got home, had a couple of emails to write and a note to take with me for my doctor this morning and I didn't have the energy to do anything after that. Plus I was ill all evening again - I know how stupid this is in the circumstances.
I've just been reading all your lovely messages of support and I am not offended by anything anyone has written at all. I feel so lucky to have such supportive friends.
Right now I don't have time to reply in full to the messages and I have quite a lot to say about my day yesterday [:I], but I have an appointment this afternoon and need to do a few things before that.
After receiving Piglet's text I just wanted to come and post to say I am ok - well ok in the sense that nothing has happened to me [Sigh...] and I will reply later, and try to catch up on other threads.
I should've come on last night to let you know I was ok but too tired to write anything. I am truly sorry for causing any concern.
Catch up with you all later.
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I should've come on last night to let you know I was ok but too tired to write anything. I am truly sorry for causing any concern.
Catch up with you all later.
Karen xx
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 24 May 2006 : 13:40:36</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No need for any should've's with us lot mate - we only want to hear from you daily at the mo cos we know you are having a bad time and hope knowing you have friends here and around will give you a boost.
Also you know if you do decide to go in for a while if you let one of us know or Nic then you know we will be aware of your goings on and that will help you not to worry about feeling isolated.:)
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I don't always know what to say, but you are in my thoughts.
Take Care,
Heather
Nothing to be sorry for Karen, just like to know you're ok.
Thinking of you, take care,
Lisa x
Another huge thank you to everyone who has been posting her to support me. I am overwhelmed by the number of messages and how many people care about me even when I am unable to care about myself.
There were a few posts I wanted to comment on briefly.
Piglet: You didn't upset me with your post and please do continue to post as you feel you want to. Sometimes I might not listen or be able to agree or take comments on board, but this is the nature of my illness and doesn't mean that your suggestions are not valid or helpful.
Thank you for texting this morning. I am so wrapped up in my terror about Friday that I hadn't thought how being missing from here for a day might cause worry.
I really do not want to go in for admission and that won't be my choice if I am given a choice. If I am forced then I will let someone know but I am praying this doesn't happen.
Lisa: I don't know when I am meant to have the ECG. I suppose it will either be tomorrow morning or Friday morning now. After causing such a fuss about my health being in danger they don't seem to be in a hurry to carry out the tests.
Thanks to Nigel, Heather, Pips and Alexis for your support.
Fee: I know you understand the daily battle I have with this eating disorder and it is true that I am unable to focus on anything other than weight at present, even though this is a symptom of my many underlying psychological problems.
I can kind of see what you are saying about learning not to be afraid of gaining weight but cannot see how I can achieve that at present. It is my biggest fear, even more so than the damage to my health of the drugs I am taking.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I am so frustrated for you - you have not had the support you need and there was a time where you really sounded like it was going the right way - except at no time could you even begin to tolerate the idea that something might lead to weight gain. But any successful treatment will lead you not to care about that so much - and that's what you are resisting.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
True - I am resisting being able to give up control of food and weight, but then is this a sign that I am not trying or willing to get better, or is it that I am not receiving the right therapy - or in fact any therapy - to help me work through and overcome the underlying issues?
I am glad you didn't delete your post and you haven't upset me at all. I too hope we can one day meet up and have lunch, although that seems such a long way off right now. It doesn't mean we can't meet up without the lunch bit though!
Initially I had quite a lot to write about yesterday but I don't want to make this post too long and so much has happened today which is probably of greater significance.
My doctor sorted out the blood tests for Friday morning and if all goes well this will be sent of for urgent testing to the path lab and the results phoned through to the clinic. Now I need to somehow get through tonight and tomorrow without using laxatives to give my potassium and sodium levels a chance to recover.
The main news from today though is the appointment I had with Sarah, my dietician. At first it seemed like she was giving up on me too. She was about to discharge me and said there was nothing more she could do because she can’t interfere with the clinic’s treatment programme, and she felt my psychological problems were making it too difficult for her to work with me in my current state.
It felt like everyone was telling me that I’m a hopeless case because I have failed to get better despite receiving treatment since January. I was almost in tears with the despair of it all. I have been hoping all week for someone to throw me a lifeline and a way of avoiding being locked up in a prison, which is how I see bein
existential crisis
24-05-06, 19:30
Karen,
I always read your post to see how you are doing but never post because I really wouldn't know what to advise as I have never been through anything like this myself. I just wanted to say that it seems like it has been a positive day and that going from 80 laxatives to 2 would be amazing! You would be taking a safe dose and therefore not doing half as much harm as you have been lately. I think it's great that the dietician understands - this could probably help you avoid admission if you can say that you are co-operating with Sarah with regards to getting better. I would say the fact that you are prepared to try and have a go at what Sarah has suggested just suggest to me that it isnt you not wanting to get better - it suggests that you have found someone who actually had found a better way of beginning to deal with the problems you are facing. Here is too a mainly positive day and the beginning of getting better. Clare. xxx
*I think, therefore I am.*
Thank you Clare.
It is very scary to even consider the enormity of reducing laxatives so quickly but being admitted against my will is worse.
I'm not entirely sure I can get down to 2 laxatives a day in one week but I am going to give it my best shot. The hardest thing is going to be the rebound weight gain due to fluid retention when withdrawing from laxatives and that's the bit that I am panicking about most.
Just hope I haven't set my sights too high and setting myself up for failure, but Sarah is the only professional I am seeing who seems to understand how difficult it is to recover from an eating disorder. I need someone like this on my side.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Ah WELL DONE hun things are starting to look up for you sweetie.
Take Care,
Love Hugs & Wishes,
PIP'S X X X X
Thank you Nigel and Pips.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think today marks a turning point, I really do. Rock bottom has been reached, and now we’re on the way back up.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 24 May 2006 : 21:25:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I hope so. I can't feel too positive about this until Friday is out of the way as I am still very scared of what might happen.
At the moment I am voluntarily trying to withdraw from laxatives and to work with the recommendations of Sarah, but if I am forced in to inpatient treatment at the clinic the situation will be completely different. I hope they see that it is better if I am actively trying to help myself while being allowed to stay at home rather than not being able to comply with enforced treatment if they leave me no choice other than inpatient treatment.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen,
Just want to add how pleased I am that you are getting this positive support from Sarah.
What you are doing to cut the laxatives down so much is just terrific.
It fabulous that she understands you too. I often think that's the most important thing.
Now just hang on in there for Friday.
You can do it...
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
(((((Karen)))))
Well done sis, despite how bad things have been that post was really positive and it's brilliant that you have a plan to help with the laxatives and eating :D. I'm so glad Sarah is helping you with that. Good luck with it, I'm so pleased to hear you sound determined to try this, well done.
I assume that something must have been said at the clinic about possible admission on Friday? Just guessing unless I missed something you said. Admission is fine if really necessary but only if you get all the therapy you need while you are in there and are therefore able to come out and cope with things, otherwise I agree it may not help you. Ideally you should be getting all the help you need as an outpatient anyway.
I am thinking of you and hope things work out for the best. You really deserve to get help with this so much.
Of course we will all support you, it's not a favour it's a pleasure :D. There may be a few weeks I won't be around due to moving etc (definitely won't be online for 10-14 days after moving) though but will always be thinking of you.
I hope you sleep well,
Night night,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
marie ross
25-05-06, 08:12
Hi Karen,
I really hope that you can do it, i follow your posts to see how you are doing and i really feel for you. Take care Karen, i will be thinking of you.
Marie XXX
Thank you for the messages Ray and Lisa.
Ray: Yes, having someone who understands and has obvious experience helps so much. She said she wouldn't dream of expecting anyone with an eating disorder to be able to eat what is deemed to be a normal amount of calories overnight. Her approach is to work from a starting point that I am can feel comfortable with and then increase at a slow pace so that I can comply and work with her.
Being expected to eat unhealthy, fattening food - like that cheesecake for example - leads to the issue of food and eating becoming a battle of wills. I still don't believe this is the attitude taken at this 'supposed' specialist clinic. Sarah agreed that there should be a qualified nutritionist on staff who works with patients to meet their invidual needs. One menu for all patients is detrimental in my opinion.
Lisa: Thank you sis. You've been great at supporting me all the way through and I appreciate that so much. I know you have a lot going on yourself with the move and challenging yourself with the health anxiety. So don't take on too much. I am hoping (please [8)]) that my friends here and regular followers of my posts will support me with this. It is the most positive I have felt for a long while.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I assume that something must have been said at the clinic about possible admission on Friday? Just guessing unless I missed something you said.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't think you missed anything. It is just that I have the meeting with the psychiatrist on Friday and that's when the decision about admission is going to be made. I have been panicking that I'd not be allowed home again if they go for admission.
There wouldn't be any therapy while an inpatient because there is always some excuse - like being too ill or too irrational to cope with it, which is one I have heard said to other patients. The psychiatrist wanted to admit me so they could stop me using laxatives to enable him to prescribe me antidepressants [:O]. Helpful - not [Sigh...].
Anyway, I got through yesterday without taking any at all. I am struggling with this a bit this morning because I feel bloated already.
My first priority though is to avoid admission and so I really need to get through today without taking any in the hope that the blood test tomorrow morning shows an improvement in my potassium and sodium levels. I just hope this happens because it is so hard not taking any at all, particularly when the plan is to taper off.
On Friday I will then allow myself to take a reduced amount, as I'll be desperate by then, and will continue to reduce each day - hoping to only be taking 2 by next Thursday.
I am not sure it is entirely doable in one week, as advice I read about withdrawing from laxatives suggested reducing by 10% a week, thereby taking 10 weeks to get off completely. So I think I'll be happy if I get to single figures after taking as many as 80 recently.
I also need to not look at it as failure if I don't hit the target of 2, as long as I can say to Sarah next week that I've done my best and that I have significantly reduced.
Just hope the psychiatrist and Julia can see my determination and give me a chance to do it this way.
Karen xx
Morning mate,
I read that post with great interest and think that between you and Sarah you have a good plan, just to recap then,
1. Try to cut down the laxatives to 2 if poss or as near to that as you can achieve.
2. To aim for a calorie intake of 500.
Well those are sensible realistic goals to aim for with the idea of getting as near as you can each day. I hope your doctor feels able to support you in this as I think you seem to feel more postive and motivated when you are a little in charge (same as the rest of us really)!!!!
Reading that post I do feel a shift in your mind set in a very positive way - the biggest well done for this hun :D:D:D:D:D
Perhaps like you say if some sort of CBT or similiar could also be forthcoming either from the clinic or privately or via doctor referall this would help back it up.
I think you are able to handle a global hug today but I will stick to Europe until you feel strong enough for the world one!!!:D:D
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Well done you are doing so well and you sound so positive :D The plan is great and I hope it goes well. You're right though do not beat yourself up if you don't get to 2 laxatives, it is alot to cut down by in a week so getting to double figures would be fine I'd say and still a huge achievement, but if you can meet the goal of 2 that's great too.
I hope you're having a good day today, I know this will all be so hard and I am thinking fo you.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
I agree it is a good plan and am really pleased to hear you sounding positive. I agree it is best to set realistic goals like these, it's like me with my agoraphobia, I had one therapist who expected me to get to the clinic 2 miles away in a very short space of time, when i'd been unable to leave my house for 2 years, but the therapist I have now has worked with me on getting there in stages, setting me realistic goals to get there, and now I can get there and am working on now getting into the building.
I believe you can do it.
Hope you're having a good day today,
Take Care,
Heather
Hi All
Thank you all for the unwavering support you continue to give me through what is an extremely difficult time.
Marie: I appreciate your post, thank you. I missed it this morning as I was posting at the same time I think.
Lisa: I'm beginning to realise the enormity of this challenge I've taken on and I hope I can stick to it. When I think about going from taking 80 laxatives a day to just 2 in the space of one week, I wonder how realistic this really is.
I suppose all I can do is try my best and cut down by as many as possible. The perfectionist in me doesn't want to not achieve my goal though.
Heather: Thank you for your reply. You are doing great at challenging yourself with the help of your therapist. Placing unrealistic expectations sets the scene for me to view anything other than reaching that goal to be failure and it is hard to avoid that trap. Setting small, realistic goals is much more helpful. Keep going with it.
Piglet: Thanks for the hug. I need it today because this is definitely not easy and I feel so fat and bloated that I want to reach for the laxatives, but don't want to take any tonight before having my blood test in the morning.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I read that post with great interest and think that between you and Sarah you have a good plan, just to recap then,
1. Try to cut down the laxatives to 2 if poss or as near to that as you can achieve.
2. To aim for a calorie intake of 500.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes that is the plan, or the goal to aim for. The biggest challenge for me will be the weekend, particularly as it is a long weekend with the bank holiday this week. If I lose control of my food intake and binge that is when I am most likely to go off the rails with the laxatives.
I hope my doctor will support me in this and I think she will. Unfortunately she is away for 2 weeks now which is one less source of support, particularly if I run into medical problems while trying to get off the laxatives.
It is true too that I need to feel I am in control which is why having unsafe food pushed on me by the clinic started the spiral of bingeing and increasing use of laxatives in the first place. I was coping with life by being in control of food and suddenly that was taken away from me.
This is why I am so scared of everything being made 100 times worse if the psychiatrist pushes for admission tomorrow.
Nigel: Thanks for your suggestions.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think we could take a different perspective on this ‘failure’ idea. In my opinion 79 would be a success. OK, so only a small success, but still a step in the right direction. 70 would be better... 50 great... 30 a brilliant success... do you see the idea?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes and I do know an important part of goal setting is to have some kind of measure of success, as this is something K has said to me before. It's very hard when I am a perfectionist by nature though.
This is a very tough night already and I need to get through until (hopefully) coming home tomorrow before I can ease my discomfort with some laxatives. My body is in shock at present I think and my stomach is so swollen and painful.
In order to keep to my reducing plan, I intend to take no more than 30 tomorrow, which is 10 less than last time.
So to recap so far: I initially halved the number from 80 to 40, and because I've not been able to use any laxatives for a couple of days the most I think I can cut out next is 10 to take me to 30. After th
Hi Karen,
You are doing so well sis, I am sooooo proud of you for trying to meet these new goals, and well done for cutting the laxatives down already.
Do remember that all progress is success however small, just being willing to try is also success in itself. It may not be easy but I really am so pleased you are so positive and determined to do this.
I really hope tomorrow goes well for you, I will be thinking about you.
Huge (((((Hugs)))))
Night night,
Love Lisa x x
Thanks Lisa. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Karen xx
I will sis and my toes! Will be thinking of you and will be with you in spirit.
Night sis,
Love Lisa x
Just popped in to say nighty night and to say how proud I am of you - if you are trying then you are succeeding in my book.
Well done hun :D
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Aww thanks Piglet :).
On course so far. I have avoided temptation to take laxatives today and hope to continue with my planned and controlled reduction tomorrow. I really am in need of some right now as I am so bloated but I have to keep to the plan if I am to avoid admission and give myself the best chance of getting off them permanently, or at least to get to a minimum maintenance dose.
I'm very tired but too anxious about tomorrow to sleep.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I think piglet got it right in one there.
I really want tomorrow to be a good day for you.
Sending you positive vibes
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Good morning,
Hope today goes well mate and I will check in again later to see how you went.
Love Piglet :D
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I hope today goes well, I am thinking of you lots.
(((((Hugs))))),
Lisa x
Hannahlou84
26-05-06, 12:10
Good luck for today, Karen.. Your plan sounds like more than a step in the right direction. I'm just glad that if nothing else the clinic has made you feel able to ask for help, despite your social phobia.
all the best,
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
((((((HUGS))))))
It took me a while to catch up but I am so pleased and happy to see you are turning things around!!!! What a wonderful positive step - definitely major success!!!!
I hope today goes extra-specially well... big hugs from me and snuffly wet dog sniffly kisses from Jed!
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Piglet, Ray, Hannah, Lisa and Fee (Jed too of course lol) for the messages and good wishes.
I am afraid not all of this is positive despite the fact it seems I have got a temporary reprieve, because my appointment with the psychiatrist was cancelled as none of the test results were available.
Julia wanted me to have the ECG performed by a male nurse, as there is only one female nurse who can use the machine and she is away until next week. I couldn’t cope with having a man do the test and so that’s being noted as me being non-compliant again.
The blood tests I had on Tuesday were inconclusive because the samples clotted or something and so were not able to be tested. Then the emergency blood tests I had done this morning, which my GP had marked as being urgent and for the results to be sent through to the clinic by lunchtime didn’t come back today. So that was a complete waste of time.
I think there would’ve been more immediate action taken had I not spoken to Julia about my attempts to wean off the laxatives. There were suggestions being made at one point of me being sent to the local hospital to have all these tests done today but it didn’t happen in the end. As my appointment with the psychiatrist has only been postponed, I will have to go through the whole ordeal again next week.
I am trying very hard to remain positive and to stick to the plan I agreed with Sarah but today it has been a struggle. I’m feeling very bloated and therefore very fat, which leads to temptation to take a large dose of laxatives in an attempt to get rid of all the food inside me. It didn’t help either that Julia took me to be weighed today. I have been purposely avoiding weighing myself this week because of rebound weight gain from cutting down on laxatives and I hoped she would understand why I didn’t want to be weighed until everything hopefully settles down. But she was insistent that I had to be weighed and now I am distraught because I’ve gained 6 pounds in less than a week.
I’m really not sure I can do this now and I am desperate to lose this weight. Why couldn’t they leave it for one week? I am now so distressed and right now I feel such a failure again. Despite any effort I make, I am never able to make consistent progress before I fall back down again. I haven't caved in yet and I really trying to keep to my laxative reduction plan but this is so so hard [Sigh...].
Last night I had been adding material to my Inspiration book, which I haven’t done for a while (in spite of my printer decided not to play ball [Duh!]). The only good thing is that Julia was impressed with the kind of material and information I’ve added to this book and she said she thinks I ought to be the one taking the group rather than her [:O]. I suppose that was a compliment; as usual though I don’t believe it is deserved [:I].
I now have another week of anxiety about the psychiatrist and admission to panic about. I need to keep to my laxative weaning programme but I am struggling.
Karen xx
No don't see it as an anxious week mate, see it as a week of working towards your goals and therefore in a better position to talk to the physichiatrist.
Don't be swayed mate you can do this you really can - focus on the goals and nothing else for the next few days.
Willing you along with all my might (and my might is very mighty I can tell you - its not many people who can chuck people around the world is it).
Special squeeze :D:D:D
Piglet x
Thank you Piglet.
I am focusing on my goal and my main concern at the moment is getting through this weekend. But I am trying to take is slowly and just concentrate on tonight for now. I know I have my allowed quota of laxatives for tonight and have to remain determined to take no more than what I have worked out for my reduction plan.
Just wish I didn't have this appointment with the psychiatrist hanging over me still and also I wanted to know what effect (if any) my efforts are having on my blood results. I won't be able to find out until Tuesday now.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Willing you along with all my might (and my might is very mighty I can tell you - its not many people who can chuck people around the world is it).<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 26 May 2006 : 19:36:00</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
LOL Piglet! Very true :D.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Well done for coping with today, what a shame you have to go through it all again next week but Piglet is right focus on your goals and think how good it will be to give the psychiatrist more positive news next week and report on your progress.
I can understand you wanting a female to do your ECG, I've had quite a few now, some with bra on and some with it off, mostly off really, when a male nurse did it I kept it on though. I don't think this is being non complaint at all, although it wouldn't bother me many women would only want a female to do this sort of thing.
You're right to just focus on tonight, just take each day, each hour if necessary, step by step and focus on what you want to achieve. It's great to hear you sound so determined. I know it must be so so hard but do try and stick with it and think of the benefits, you are never a failure while you're trying.
I'm pleased Julia liked the inspiration book and brilliant she complimented you, believe it as it's true!
I hope you have a good nights sleep, night night,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry you have had to suffer this delay. Reminds me of my PC being delayed, so I know how you feel in that respect.
I do believe you do have the strength to get through the weekend, and perhaps we can all make sure you do.
Focus on the positives, such as Julia saying you could take the group - that definitely was a compliment and there is no 'suppose' about it!
I think doing a bit of writing in your book will help you through too.
Take Care,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you Lisa, Nigel and Ray.
It has been a very difficult and exhausting day and yet even though I am very tired, I have been sitting up surfing the net for photos for a section of my Inspiration book. A lot of it contains useful information about the various mental health problems I am dealing with. Plus I have included positive feedback I've received and inspiration quotes, affirmations and song lyrics.
Now I am adding some positive role models and examples of these. My favourite TV show of all time is Cagney & Lacey and Sharon Gless has been a role model of mine since my early teenage years. I had a couple of pictures and Julia said she is a great role model - I think especially since she expected me to have pictures of very thin models in my book. For me the role model ideal is about more than looks. I have been trying to put together a list of some of my favourite quotes from various episodes too and maybe this is an excuse to re-watch some episodes this weekend.
I am re-doing the layout of my book because it is getting too full now and think I am going to get a nice folder or something so that it is easier to add pages to it. Hence the reason why I've spent ages tonight finding photos to add in to various pages. Most of the rest of the information I can just reprint to A4 size rather than A5.
It's part of my non existent self esteem that makes it difficult for me to accept that anyone would pay me a compliment of believe I've done something well. I know I need to work on this.
Tonight has been a mix of varying success and failure - and I know this is black and white thinking [Duh!]. I have eaten more than I wanted -well binged really, probably because I'm feeling so fat anyway and also I knew I'd take laxatives tonight. However, I've only taken 24 - which is one packet. I did use Xenical though. Still, I can't stop both at the same time and I took less laxatives than I originally thought I would.
I want to go out tomorrow and get some things so I can continue re-doing my book but at the same time don't want to go anywhere near shops and it is a constant battle in my head. Plus I am not sure if or when I'll be able to go out anyway because another problem of reducing laxative intact is that I can no longer predict how long they will take to work and I can't take the risk of being caught out when away from home [:I]. I need a nice folder, some more photo paper and some card or at least good quality paper. There are not many shops in my town and it means going to Eastbourne really. One of the best (and cheapest)places is Tesco in Eastbourne but the supermarket is definitely out.
Thank you all for your support. I definitely am going to need it this weekend. Partly I think I can get immersed in doing work on transferring my book to a folder but I also don't trust myself and would prefer to spend the whole time asleep [Sigh...]. I have some 'homework' from Julia too but that is about eating disorders and the reasons behind my problems with food, weight and body image and I am worried about spending too much time focusing on the very thing which is likely to tip me over the edge. I might be alright doing this on Monday if I manage to get through tomorrow and Sunday without bingeing and still managing to keep to my laxative withdrawal programme.
Anyway, I am very tired now and must try to sleep before stomach pains kick in from the laxatives [|)].
I really am grateful for your support.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Well done sis :D You are sounding so positive and have adopted a very sensible approach to things.
The inspiration book sounds fantastic, I hope you get out to get card and folder etc although I understand about the toilet etc.
Take the weekend step by step, you are making progress and can go forward step by step, each small step is a success.
Well done on the laxatives too :D.
So proud of how you're rising to this challenge sis,
Love and very well deserved (((((Hugs))))),
Lisa x x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your support which is very much appreciated.
I am struggling this morning. I only had 2 hours sleep and also I haven't heard from K for the second day running, at a time when I really do need her support.
The laxatives are doing their job but I think are beginning to wear off now. The Xenical did too and confirmed how much I pigged out last night and ate to much fatty food - anyone who's read up about it will know about what can be embarrassing side effects [:I]. Luckily it wasn't too bad that what is often called the 'tango effect' only appeared when I went to the loo. If you eat too much fat when on this medication then it can happen anywhere [:I][Oops!].
I am panicking a bit at the moment, as I've reaslised I have to go to Tesco to collect a repeat prescription, otherwise I'll run out of my thyroid medication. Just trying to build myself up to go, particularly following my panic attack last week and not wanting to be hijacked by binge thoughts and come back with food I don't want.
The one thing that is going ok I guess is my planned laxative reduction being on target - well a bit ahead of target because I took 6 less than I had planned last night. I might maintain this dose tonight and then cut back again tomorrow, as this still puts me on target. It kind of depends on what kind of a day I have food wise because I still feel very fat and know I have gained weight this week. I am finding it very hard to cope with this.
Karen
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
The one thing that is going ok I guess is my planned laxative reduction being on target - well a bit ahead of target because I took 6 less than I had planned last night. I might maintain this dose tonight and then cut back again tomorrow, as this still puts me on target. It kind of depends on what kind of a day I have food wise because I still feel very fat and know I have gained weight this week. I am finding it very hard to cope with this.
Karen
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 27 May 2006 : 13:06:56</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Oh well done mate - that is good to hear!!!!:D:D:D
Love Piglet xxx
Thank you Piglet.
I am feeling VERY fat today though. It feels to me like I've gained at least a stone this week.
I'm petrified the weight it going to continue to go on me and I'm going to get fatter and fatter :( [Sigh...]
Karen xx
I can understand how this weight thing is worrying you, but if you have put on a few pounds what does that really matter?
It's your soul that counts and not your size or how you look.
I know you can't change your thinking in that regard and your perception of yourself is such an issue.
Wish I could find my magic wand. Has anyone seen it?
Piglet?
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
Well done, you are doing so well, especially with the laxative reduction :D. So proud of you and I know weekends are especially hard.
I can understand you being distressed about weight gain, try instead to focus on the goals you're trying to achieve. Any weight gain is temporary too due to the reduction of laxatives and it will even out again soon.
Big (((((hugs))))) for a very clever sis :D.
I hope you get more sleep tonight,
Night night,
Love Lisa x x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Wish I could find my magic wand. Has anyone seen it?
Piglet?
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 27 May 2006 : 16:26:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It's in my magic cloak - but if I swished open my magic cloak alot of undesirable things would fall out [:I][:I][}:)][Oops!]:D.
Keep focusing Karen hun, keep focusing!!!
Night night.
Piglet xxxx
Thank you all for the messages and support. I am trying to remain focused on my goal and am still sticking to my plan but it is very hard at the moment.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I can understand how this weight thing is worrying you, but if you have put on a few pounds what does that really matter?
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 27 May 2006 : 15:26:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I realise it must be hard to understand but it does matter a lot that I've gained weight. It is my worst fear but I don't expect anyone else to really understand that.
Today has been especially difficult as I've not heard from K for the second day running either :(.
Karen xx
marie ross
28-05-06, 00:48
Hello Karen,
I am trying to understand, but i do know how hard it must be for you that you are gaining weight. All i know is that you are doing so well and you have a lot of friends here that are so worried about you. Take care you sound like you are doing really well under the circumstances. Still thinking of you, take care this weekend.
Marie XXX
Just saying hello and seeing how it's going - it's a lovely sunny day so far here, so I've got a line of washing out and am about to mow the lawn.
Big hugs
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Hope you're having a good day and hope the weather is as nice there as it is here. I like the idea of your inspiration book. I think you're doing well.
Take Care,
Heather
Hi Karen,
Just wanted to let you know am still thinking of you and following your progress (fantastic about the laxatives goal by the way!)
Hope you are having a good day.
Tammy x
Hi Guys
Thank you all for the supportive messages.
Marie: I do realise it is difficult for anyone without an eating disorder to understand my actions and the worries and fears I have. Thanks for taking the time to post a message.
Piglet: Mowing the lawn sounds a bit energetic to me lol!! It does look a fairly nice day but a bit cloudy too. Not nice enough to tempt me outside. How are you today?
Heather: Thanks for your support. It is much appreciated. I want to get on and do more work on my Inspiration book but think I'll have to wait until Tuesday to find a folder etc. At the moment I am working on some new pages to insert once I've got all the material I need.
Tammy: Thanks for your message. I am keeping to my laxative reduction goal and am still on target, even though this is very hard and I'm feeling distressed about the physical consequences, particularly with regard to weight and fatness.
I am feeling very tired today and haven't done much, apart from some research for my inspiration book and putting some washing in the machine. I didn't sleep well again and woke with a migraine, which doesn't help.
Think I am going to try to have a nap soon and then maybe watch a DVD (or try to). The hourly schedule of my weekend which I worked on at the clinic on Friday hasn't exactly panned out, but the main thing is that I am getting through the weekend - one hour at a time.
Karen xx
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.