Coming to this website and reading all the stories, I was in hopes that I would find someone who has been through the exact thing that I have……..but unfortunately life aint that easy.
It all started when I was 12
…. It would come so suddenly like a punch in the face. it was a feeling of dread, panic, and a fear of something and I didn’t know what. the first attack hit when I was sitting in my 7th period classroom in the 6th grade. we were just about to get out for Christmas break and I was excited but then that feeling came. it was very mild at first. over the holidays, the feeling never went away and so it grew.
after a few months of this, the feeling grew to were it was unbearable. I would have to take my mind off of it by watching TV. even then it was still bothering me. after a year of this, I had done nothing but sit at home and struggle with this pain. I then couldn’t take it anymore and tried to commit suicide. I went into the bathroom and grabbed some scissors in the drawer in the counter. the scissors were dull and I went crazy with them, franticly running them on my wrist trying to slice it open. I looked in the mirror and saw myself and I knew I couldn’t go on with it. so I went out of the bathroom and told my mom that I tried to commit suicide but I didn’t tell her why.
After that my parents thought I was over what ever it was that they thought I was going through, but it only got worse from there. the panic attacks went on and they got stronger and stronger. I would still get some relief from watching TV and getting out of the house and going to town with my parents. the feeling caused so much stress. the best way to describe it is that I would have that unbearable feeling for about 30 minutes then it would kind of go away for 30 minutes. this was what I lived 24-7 for 2 years, it caused a lot of stress. it would take hours to get to sleep and I would have to be watching TV too. for 2 years I didn’t get much sleep or eat much. I never wanted to be alone. I would avoid anything that reminded me of any previous attacks; movies, places, anything. I also got into the bad habit of harming myself really bad. I would let ants crawl all over me and sting me. that pain to me was better than the unbearable feeling that I had felt.
After two years the feeling just went away. but it wasn’t a happy ending. I had been isolated from the world for two years and during that two years my mind was so focused on that feeling that it never developed and grew like it was supposed to in that time. So instead of having a 15 year old teenager mind, I had a 12 year old kid’s mind. kinda of like a time leap. So for two more years I had in some ways recovered from what at that time I still didn’t know what. I got out of the habit of harming myself, my mind was finally caught up with my age, and I had forgotten all about the previous years. then when I was 16 the feeling came back over the summer. I was lying in my bed starring at the dark ceiling and the fear sparked inside me and grew. it only lasted for 2 weeks but it seemed stronger than ever. I finally went to my dad and told him all about the feeling and nothing else. after the feeling went away I was determined to find out what it was. I looked up mental disorders in the encyclopedia and I came across anxieties, neurosis, and acute anxieties attack. that alone was a relief.
Well after that I started to see a doctor. I had also picked up some new habits. I got an addiction to cold medicine to help me sleep at night. I would overdose on it an add a little alcohol to it to increase the drowsiness. I had gained a social life and a somewhat normal life. for a time there I also did illegal drugs at some junkie’s house.
Up to date I’m still seeing a doctor for my anxieties. the anxieties haven’t been that strong ever since I found out what anxieties was. they just bother me when I try to sleep but I still don’t know what sets them off. I’m still struggling with my addiction to cold medicine to help me sleep at nights. and I’m still trying to deal with the fact that I’ve missed out on a total of six years of my life. but I got to keep on going and hope that things get better. although its already better than it used to be. for all you others out there I wish you good luck.
-peace and never give up
Andy
