I never wanted this illness and I would never wish it upon anyone. It is frustrating, scary, annoying, debilitating and very hard to cope with. When I get a Panic Attack I want the world to swallow me up so I don't have to deal with it. I want to bury my head in the sand and never come out, sometimes I want to die
It is so scary that I can't even describe how bad it feels! I can't breathe, I am choking and I shall pass out any minute. I am going to have a heart attack, I am going to faint, I am going to lose control of everything. I am never going to cope again if I feel like this all the time.
I try to breathe deeply and do all the things I have been taught but they don't work when the Panic hits me – how will I cope?
I am crying and scared. What is happening to me? Why do I feel so terrible, will I ever get away from these feelings.
I reach for my handbag as I have Diazepam in there – I take 1/2 as that is all I can afford to take – I may not be able to get anymore. I know that this will take about 20 minutes to take effect and I am still panicking – what now?
I can't cope anymore. I reach for my phone and call someone who can help me – please just talk to me and tell me that I am going to be ok. I can't cope if I know that there is no-one to talk to. I need your help, please.
It starts to ease as I speak to you and you reassure me – yes I am going to be ok, and I am not dying, I never was dying! I can breathe again now. I start to feel like a failure as I have had to call you – why didn't I cope alone, I have had this for over 9 years, haven't I learnt yet?
I cry some more and then I pick myself up and walk back into the office, smiling as though nothing has happened – see, none of you even noticed what I was going through – if only you knew! You see, this happens a lot at work as well so I have to learn to cope with it wherever I am!
Please let it go away for just a while and then I can start climbing that mountain again to see how far I can get. I know I can do it, I just need time ….