About nine years ago I had a miscarriage and a ectopic pregnancy in a matter of six months, then my relationship broke down. I was single for about a year and met and fell in love with my current partner. A couple years into our relationship we was having problems with his children who I adore and love very much. It all became too much for me and I couldn’t sleep, night after night I started pacing up and down sometimes I was still pacing when my partner got up for work. I started getting pains in most parts of my body and generally started feeling unwell. One day I was sat on my settee at home watching TV when I felt like my heart had stopped
….I jumped up and ran to the back door where I fell to my hands and knee’s. I managed to get outside, the worse feeling of dread came over me and I thought I was dying, I shouted “help” but nobody came. This feeling lasted for minutes but it was the beginning of hell for me.
Over the next three years I went through hell, I called the ambulance several times, pushed my family away from me and I didn’t want to wake up in the morning because I knew my day would be awful. I went from being quite confident to not wanting to go anywhere. I started to drink alcohol to try and calm myself down but it got to the stage when that didn’t even work for me. Finally I went to the doctor’s who prescribed me some tablets that made me feel even worse, after two weeks of taking them I felt suicidal. I seen a female doctor and she prescribed me Cipramil and although I had several side effects after a few weeks I did feel alot better. I took them for several months and I began to feel more human. It was too late to put right a lot of the damage the panic attacks had done.
I had to give a good job up and I lost several friends because they just didn’t understand. I had put 5 stone on in weight because I hadn’t been anywhere for a few years and every ounce of confidence had gone. It was lovely being able to lay next to my partner feeling relaxed again and I got a job and started to enjoy life again. Anyway to cut a long story short a few months ago I lost my job, it was nothing I did wrong just bad luck really, the story of my life. Anyway my panic attacks are back and in my head I’m screaming why me, I really don’t feel like I can cope with this anymore. Over the last couple of weeks I have slowly started to withdraw from my family who I love so much, I don’t want to put them through this again. I must have broken several glasses and mugs over the last couple of weeks; they should have called It clumsy attacks for me.
I am not sleeping very well again and tonight I wanted to call the ambulance. I told my partner to leave me on my own, after all he can’t help me, nobody can.
I feel so angry that this thing has took over my life and I do want to know why me, is it because I am sensitive and caring and if it is what kind of reward is this.
Well I can’t tell you what’s going to happen to me, I dread the days and hate nights even more. All I can say is I feel desperate at the moment and I want my life back please.
Carol
