No More Panic > Blog > Sam’s Story

Sam’s Story

Throughout my short lived life, i have suffered all kinds of abuse. obviously when you’re a child you don’t understand what is happening, you would regard everything as ‘normal’ because you’re childhood is about innocence. my family constantly argued with each other becuase of my mums illness. my mum had an mental health problem and was aggressive.

Throughout my childhood i found it hard making friends and everyday i got bullied and harrased, physically and mentally mainly from boys.
when i used to come home from school, mum would always blame me for something i didnt do. i was always punished and hit.
when i was 14, mum had arranged me to be married with my cousin from pakistan. when i was 16 i met this person, he came to england and stayed in our house. he was 8 years older than me. everyone loved him, everyone pressurised me into getting married with him because family ties would become stronger. so we were engaged. obviuosly at that age, i didnt know how big of a committement it was.

everything was fine until he started saying things to me, which i dont want to say here. he kept looking at me as though i was his prey. every night he used to come into my bedroom, and asked me whether i really wanted him, whether i really loved him. i didnt understand what he was trying to do. he even started touching me a lot. this went on for a full year. i was revising for my GCSE’s and he came into my room and threatened me that if i didnt give him what he wanted then he would tell everyone that i was a whore, or he’d put my parents in hospital or ruin my family. i was soo scared he knew i was alone at home. i didnt even say anything he pushed and pinned me to the ground. he grasped me so hard that my limbs had bruises all over and ached for days after that. i screamed and tried hard to beat him off me, he tore my clothes. my grandma opened my bedroom door and saw wat was happening, he got off me and looked and smiled at grandma like he did nothing and walked off buttoning his trousers.

grandma protected me from him, and we both didnt tell anyone. he stayed in our home for two years, i was sooo scared of him i decided to move into grandmas home. my first anxeity symptoms started.

2005 was a bad year for all of us, grandma (dad’s mum- the one who protected me) died and thats when he moved out. my other grandma died, and then my aunty. as a family, we went to pakistan later that year to see our relatives to express our grieve. they were angry with us and accused me of being a whore, although dad didnt know he was soo hurt, my relatives really back stabbed my dad financially and mentally. i couldnt see my dad getting hurt like that and thats also when my second anxiety episode came.

after the worst holiday ever, we came back and i was alone in grandmas home. dad told me it was to be my home now. i’ve been grieving for grandma since but kept it all to myslef and in this way i started to self harm, and was diagnosed as having depression.

my family were not speaking to each other aswell for some reason. later i found out that he did things to my family. my dad was hospitalised because of HIM. he took advantage of my mothers mental illness, he sexually abused my brothers.

dad became ill, mum was already ill mentally, my youngest brother became disabled.

i had to stay strong and looked after everyone as best i did. from then and to this day my family argue more and my parents relationship is breaking down because of what happened in pakistan. i was going to college/working and doing house chores. thats when i kept ignoring my own feelings and stresses.

i didnt have any friends throughout college and now at university, i still face the same problem. until my first panic attack came one after another.
it happened again at uni, i was so embarrased and ashamed, i kept thinking i was going to be attacked again. a good friend of mine was there and so was my tutor, they called the ambulance.

i still feel the same about all men- that they’re all the same. i wont let people especially men touch me and still keep blaming myself about what happened. i was a very private person until i came across this site. hopefully, i will get through this and get back on track with my life
‘sam’