My story-A Fellow Survivor..
I was 17, 4 months pregnant and stuck in a queue waiting for my MacDonald’s. Suddenly out of the blue, i fainted. This was only due to the fact that my body needed sugar..nothing was wrong with me, i was simply hungry..hence why i was stuck in a queue for a MacDonald’s!
From that fateful day onwards i have had a fear of fainting.
For the first few years of my daughters life, id avoid queues at all costs. Id run out of tesco’s, post offices, co-op..anywhere and everywhere. School playgrounds became my enemy, parties, get together, day trips..i felt unable to do anything/go anywhere.
As with most cases of anxiety, the symptoms escalated and just when i thought id conquered another fear, stress would bring fresh, stronger ones.
In 1997, my fiance and i split up, he committed suicide just a few days later.
Following his death, i became scared to leave my house, depressed, anxious etc. I had my son the following year and got diagnosed with PND. I was put on strong antidepressants which made me sleepy 24/7 and increased my panic attacks.
Again, i battled on. I had a few bouts of counselling, changed tablets..became a little better..although the jumpy feeling in my tummy never went…i was living life on the edge of panic..always feeling like i was going to faint, scream, lose the plot..but never quite doing so.
My children missed out on so much as i was a prisoner in my own home and relied on family to entertain them.
Oddly enough, when i worked i never felt panicky, the second id return home the feelings would start again.
Id shop with a bag full of bottled water and mars bars..just in case i felt faint.
I began to do research on the Internet for ways of coping with panic and anxiety, depression etc and slowly but surely i began to control them..id stop them before they escalated. Exercise helped, as did controlled breathing and my precious bottled water.
In 2004, i gave birth to an 11lb 11 son (my 4th child). His birth was very traumatic, i needed an emergency C section as he had a prolapsed cord and was seconds away from cutting off his own oxygen supply.
When i brought Max home, he wouldn’t suck properly and cried 22 out of 24 hrs. We were both exhausted and being a single mum with 3 older ones needing me, i became very depressed. I couldn’t quite get over the shock of his birth and i couldn’t for the life of me work out why he cried so much. He would open his bowels up to 15 times a day, screamed all the time and i never seemed to stop. This obviously effected my other children and consequently i had problems with my 6 yr old daughters behavior.
One day i was on my way to pick them up from school when i simply stopped in the street, my legs turned to jelly and i couldn’t go any further. I was sure this was the start of a nervous breakdown and went home in hysterics. someone else had to get my kids that day.
From that day on the panic attacks came back with a vengeance, i couldn’t sleep and had a continual urge to scream.
The crunch came when i began having unwanted thoughts about harming my kids..i became too scared to wash up or even enter the kitchen for fear id get a knife and kill them..id sob quietly when they went to bed and every time i relaxed, the thoughts would return. I told myself id kill me before id get to them. It was the scariest time of my life and that’s when i found this site. That night i wanted to die, felt i was a threat to my children and could see no other way out.
Being here made me realise i wasn’t alone in my intrusive thoughts and it simply saved my life.
now Max is 3, a great child who poohs less loll..no, life isn’t easy. I get very stressed, still get the odd thought and feeling of panic and a need to run or scream…but i get through it. I breathe, walk, sing, read. Eat healthy and seek help from the understanding caring people on here when it all seems too much.
none of it has truly gone a way…i have simply learnt to understand and control it.
Finally i feel free.
