Hi! My story goes back probably since I was 6 or 7. I remember just laying in bed on night thinking to myself that we don’t die. it’s all a dream and when I wake up it’ll be all over. Everyone will live forever, well I found out that’s just not true. I was 16 when my grandmother died, I really honestly didn’t care. I was molested by her husband and alls she said was well next time you need to wear pants over here. But she passed on and that night, I had a huge anxiety attack. I went to the hospital and that’s exactly what they told me. So they sent me home.
Next few nights same thing attacks, back and forth to the hospital, same thing, attacks.. Well they put me on some medicine which made me feel so horrible, I couldn’t get out of bed, I was a zombie! Alls I wanted to do was sleep, so I stopped that. I later went on to control it myself. When I felt like I was having one I would write a letter. And finally I learned how to control it.. My anxiety comes from the whole dying thing. I think everything can go wrong with me, I have cancer, everything. And I know it’s all in my head. But i’ve had a screwed up childhood but that’s a whole other story.
Like I said I can control it somewhat.. I still have them. Finally I figured well my anxiety comes from the dying thing, well I got a job in a nursing home. Well that just made it worse. I figured it would actually help..no!! So I felt sick all the time. Found a little lump in my neck which it’s still there, hasn’t grown or anything. That just sent me in a spiral.
So I started to drink a glass of wine when I started having the symptoms, well one glass lead to another. Finally after all these years I was happy, I drank 3 bottles of wine a night. No more anxiety. But I didn’t want to become something else while I was dealing with the whole anxiety thing so I stopped. It was fine for a few weeks.
Now they are back. I don’t know what to do. I imagine symptoms in my head. pain in places that weren’t there, waking up from my sleep because of anxiety. Now what?? I’m not a medinice person. I don’t like to take pills. Do I go back to the wine? I really don’t want to. So I found this forurm and it’s actually helped, with the anxiety to the heart paps. to the “imaginary” symptoms.. So i’m so glad there’s people that I can talk to about this and they have the same problems as me…
No one else in my family knows what i’m going through.. But I don’t drink, I used to smoke, quit Janurary 23 2009 i’ll never forget that day! So I try and control it the best way I know how without drugs. I’m thinking about counsiling soon, so we will see. Sherry
