terrified about tomorrow's train ride

i know this sounds really stupid but i have to get a train to see my dad tomorrow and i'm terrified. i live in london and very seldom use the tube due to intense claustrophobia, and after several panic attacks i find it difficult to use any form of transport whatsoever. thank god for buses, which are bearable because when the traffic is very bad i can convince my panicking heart that if need be i can run downstairs and force the driver to let me off.

anyway that's besides the point. i've been panicking very often since being held in a police kettle during a student protest in 2010 for 10 hours. i have told very few people about this besides my boyfriend, who is understanding but doesn't comprehend it, if that makes sense. recently i have had to take a lot of trains due to deaths in the family and general life circumstances, but many of these train rides have stopped abruptly outside of stations for 5 minutes and every time this happens i feel like i am going to collapse. it is horrible because i feel completely out of control, my heart bangs in my chest and i begin to convince myself that i can't breathe.

my "coping mechanisms" are always traveling with water (i think i would not be able to travel at all without my trusty bottle of water) because drinking it calms me down, and listening to audiobooks and calm music. i'd be curious to know others. i am very worried about tomorrow. i know that the reason i am so worried is not because i am getting a train, but because i feel cheated by how panicked i become in these situations. but this fact doesn't make sense when my whole body is basically spasming in panic and i convince myself that i am going to die on the train. i guess it's basically claustrophobia.

does anyone have any advice? i don't want to let my dad down by cancelling. and has anyone trialled therapy for this stuff? i've been looking at CBT but i guess the NHS waiting list is long. i feel like i need to sort this out because if not i am going to wreck my life. i am only 22 and i feel so embarrassed and ashamed about this.

Firstly, I will be honest - there is no quick answer. There is no quick solution and it will take hard work and perseverance from you. The good news is that you can conquer this and it will allow you to become the person you know you are.

I have written all the words you wrote 3 years ago (look me up on here LOL) Transport (trains the worst) was one of my major fears. Eventually I ended up with Agoraphobia and wouldn't leave my house. But here I am living my life again and WOW it feels good.

I am happy to advice you on how to go about tackling the trains but the root cause of anxiety also needs to be tackled else your panic attacks will morph into all cracks in your life. I think your first approach is to see your GP, if the protests set off your anxiety it may help to see a counsellor.

---------- Post added at 18:56 ---------- Previous post was at 18:40 ----------

How I conquer trains - With the help of counselling and low-dose meds (this doesn't appeal to everyone) I got myself standing at the train station.

I had to have my bottle of water and a emergency Diazepam at first (not needed now)
I shook from fear but knew that if I turned back it would only continue
I got on the train and found a smiley friendly face to sit near (always an elderly woman in my case although there was a guy with a huge afro who I felt comfortable with and sat near him, little did he know!)
I did one stop and allowed myself to get off if required. It was hard but I stayed on for one more stop, then one more stop - till I got to where I needed to be :)

I did panic, my heart raced, I needed the toilet, I needed to faint - I thought I was dying - but the train continued chuffing along and I was still alive... and it hurt and I hated it and I cried, but I bloody well stayed on. I thought to myself 'if I am gonna die then I am going to stay put and see it to the end, so take me panic I don't care'

It took months to get to a place where I was no longer thinking about panicking on a train and now I get on without much thought. I will admit that there are days that I think about it and somewhere deep down I know that I will have some sort of mental illness again but next time I feel I can tackle it.

My very best advice is to get knowledge about your illness, understand where it comes from then you can tackle it.

Good luck, you can do this!

That is such a helpful post well done Amber. EJ

Thank you EJ, if one person reads this and thinks, yes I can do this - then I am glad I popped back to NMP :)

thank you so much amber it is lovely to hear you say that. due to a lot of circumstances, mainly financial but also due to my looking for an easy way out, i never made it to brighton and stayed in london. i felt like a freak all day and argued with my boyfriend about a separate issue but it made it worse that due to the worry that caused the idea of flinging myself onto a train seemed impossible, so i delayed myself for so long that in the end i just told my dad i couldn't come. not admirable at all and i feel foolish but on the plus side it gave me the chance to sort out my head a bit.

i know that i need to push myself into these situations and ironically i am always fine on trains or buses as long as they are MOVING. it's when they are stationery that i can't abide it: coming back from brighton the other week, the train stopped in the middle of nowhere for five minutes, and although i KNEW it was because it was waiting for another train to pass or something, i still couldn't stop my heart hammering in my chest and twisting my legs about like i was possessed. finally the train started moving and i immediately felt better and relatively calm and happily (if apprehensively...) listened to my audiobook for the rest of the trip and held onto my bottle of water.

it's so stupid though because i can imagine, as you say, how it will progress and get worse unless i sort it out. originally my only trigger was the tube and to this day i very very seldom use it and i would never use it in rush hour. but since being trapped on a faulty overground train for an hour and a half, i am basically scared of every train ever. this is stupid because firstly i was actually pretty chilled out by the end of the hour and a half on the train because i'd gone through the panic already, and secondly because i have spent every weekend since the age of ten hopping onto trains to go to my mum's or dad's. it makes me feel FOOLISH but it also makes me realise that it's the panic i am scared of - not the train.

i have always been claustrophobic in general but i've noticed that this is accelerating also. i have gone from hating lifts to never using lifts, and automatic doors and public toilet locks are suddenly horrible debacle. i stopped drinking lots of coffee (i just limit myself to a small black coffee in the morning) because after a hungover morning of necking back coffee on the way to a house viewing i got severe anxiety just in a local supermarket because the doors seamed airtight once they'd seal shut behind me. IT'S SO STUPID!

i am so glad for finding this forum and thank you so much for answering so kindly and encouragingly. sorry for writing such a long post - it's just really liberating writing about it freely for the first time. i need to organize going to a doctor. THANK YOU x

Hi Dexter, I know this is an old post, but I'm exactly like you regarding closed in spaces and travelling on trains.

---------- Post added at 02:20 ---------- Previous post was at 02:19 ----------

Amber, thank you for that fantastic post in how you dealt with travelling on trains again, that's what I'm thinking of start doing.