House sale falling through and huge relapse. Friends becoming an issue..

Hi - there just want to speak to people that understand anxiety and depression and how debilitating it can be.

A couple of years ago I had a full on nervous breakdown and during that period my father died - we had to deal with probate. Every day was a struggle to do one small thing. My nervous breakdown started with my job for a housing charity. Every day that I wen,t I was having panic attacks all day and couldn't breath. One day I logged out of my PC and realised I couldn't come back. I had to use my savings to live off for nearly six months - and then that's when my then my father died.

I was unable to go out and see friends or really do much on a daily basis - my body was in recovery and I was constantly exhausted. I have one group of friends that have no understanding of mental health - they presumed the answer to everything was a night out/a holiday/a cuppa. Trying to tell them that my head was shaking, I couldnt speak and had fight or flight nearly all day was a waste of time. So I gave them a wide berth for almost a year, this has helped and we are still not on the same footing. They generally find me tiring and exhausting - what they don't understand is this how i feel about myself.

I have another group of friends that feel they can come into my house and tell me what I need to do. Cook for me, clean for me and generally interfere and micromanage me. I also had to tell them they needed to leave me alone to recover in my own time and they were making me more anxious.

Anyway, I've felt slightly better over the last year. And I truly believe the lockdown gave me a chance to recover and rest without judgement. When restrictions were lifted I sold my house - however the house I was buying fell through. My buyer waited - and she has waited nearly a year. I found a house and was due to move next week I have packed many things and the house is in chaos - and this second property has fallen through because there was a massive issue on the survey that I couldn't afford to deal with.

I must add - I am not a victim and don't see myself as such. But I am a single parent, I have had early stage breast cancer and my partner died suddenly when my son was 5 years old. So I also have PTSD. But I worked through all of these, but when I got to the pressured job - it was a literally a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

Also last year, my son had very poor mental health and I had to help him through therapy and addiction. And stay strong. But here I am, and now I can't, this last episode with the house has set me back, i was worried about moving anyway, feeling anxious and stressed but when it fell through I didn't sleep for 3 nights so the doctor gave me a few zopiclone, I'm also on mirtazapine and pregabalin. They help in small ways.

The question I really want to ask of you all is this: my friends make me feel that when I am like this they are the answer to my recovery, but I know when I am like this, good films, books and walks help me to regenerate and work through the 'crisis'. Because it's not only mental, it very physical. I'm a very private independent person - and I know they can't get in my head and understand how I feel, but talking is exhausting and company is exhausting. Is this normal? I feel like I've pushed a lot of people away because of this because it's the only way I can manage.

Thanks for listening.

Jem,

Why the necessity to move now?
Is it something you can put off for a while?
Maybe fate is trying to tell you something with two properties falling through.
As for your friends. Well, good friends will still be there even if you take time out. Maybe you need new friendships in the future.
You've been through a lot and need time to process and adjust. There's no time limit on recovery and maybe you need to just do what suits you for the time being.

Hi Carnation

I think I'm realising that now. I have taken the house off the market until I feel better. or maybe never.

Regarding my friends I will just say no until I am able to handle being around people. I have really bad social anxiety too - so none of this helps.

I feel the real issue has been my son, it's been so hard the last year and I thought moving would help us both to recover - but it was not to be. He's gone away to do his MA and he is still having issues so that keeps me awake at night. But there is so little I can do right now, everything feels really painful.

Thank you for your response, it means a lot.x

I can really empathise with how you feel, Jem. I think you need stability now rather than the stress of moving house.

My son was hospitalised after a major breakdown over 2 years ago and has yet to "recover". I just yearn for peace and quiet which is so elusive. I'm happy to keep myself to myself because I've got too much on my plate to do anything else and I don't want to anyway.

I'm glad you told your friends not to micromanage you. It's controlling and disrespectful to what YOU want. My biggest "treat" is reading a good book or watching an absorbing TV drama..and yes, I find company exhausting too. It is when you are mentally and physically depleted. You just want peace.

Thanks Pulisa - I've felt guilty about my friends for too long. They make me feel abnormal and I feel the micromanaging is derisory and disrespectful. One friend told me she would come round and tell me what I needed to do to my house - how dare she? I never asked for that.

My son has been my priority for a few years and always will be, it takes a lot out of me and I find it hard to recover from my own mental health issues because I'm always on high alert and ready to take care of him.

All of my friends seem to be very self-indulgent and always looking for fun out of life but I'm middle aged and exhausted - I just want peace and quiet.

Me too, Jem. I think it's quite normal to want a bit of peace for yourself. Friends shouldn't make you feel "abnormal". I bet they couldn't cope with what you have dealt with and are dealing with constantly now.You stick to your guns and do what is best for YOU..Your friends may not like it but they aren't the ones living your life and don't know best.

I think they think I should be over things by now - they don't understand that trauma alters the brain and I will probably never be the same again. My son found his father lifeless in bed - so we both have PTSD. He was only 5 years old when he found him and it's altered him. It was the most horrific time and I had to go back to work 2 weeks later and keep things as 'normal' as possible afterwards. One friend said to me 'you are always stressed or ill'. It was so derogatory, I felt ashamed and embarrassed, I have constant fatigue and pain due to PTSD but I can't even tell them - because if someone in a roundabout way accuses you of being a hypochondriac then you just shut up.

But yes, none of them have had my life experiences so it must be hard understanding - I just wish they would educate themselves a little and I might feel more loved and supported in the way that I need. I really love a 1:1 or a long phone call, but with them it always has to be a group of 4/5 and I can get into a terrible state weeks before hand. So now I just walk alone, read, meet the occasional friend who does understand, for a cuppa and go to the cinema alone. I think that's why lockdown was beneficial for me, but even then I felt guilty because so many others were suffering. Hopefully this house falling through will give me time to readjust and really think about what I do need and what my son needs. Thanks again.xx

I think you should meet who you choose to meet and only people who are supportive and don't want to tell you how to lead your life. They are your true friends. The other people you can keep at arm's length. You don't need them.

I know all about PTSD altering people. My son and daughter are both altered from what has happened. It's exhausting trying to keep them safe so I do understand how you feel and what you need. It must have been so awful for you having to deal with such a tragedy and then having to be "there" for your son and still being "there" xx

Jem, it took a long time for the people I socialised with to realise I wasn't in their frame of mind. I didn't want to go trudging round shops, go to large social gatherings and basically do something I didn't want to just for the sake of doing. Some became offended with my cancelling or lack of participation, some saw me as being miserable and others basically were not interested in what I was feeling.
That was a few years ago and I can honestly say I don't miss any of it. I've made a couple of new friends. One comes for a chat and it's pleasant. She listens and I listen to her.
I've taken up hobbies and I have my personal time and space.
When you've had a breakdown, trauma, anxiety, you need transition time to rebuild your life and shape into a more meaningful and beneficiary way.
Also as you get older you realise you don't want or need some of things that you had as a younger person or the person you were pre anxiety.
Never feel guilty about changing your life for your wellbeing or comfort.

Carnation/Pulisa - literally everything you both say resonates with me. It's amazing how two people I haven't met can understand what I need and people I've known 30yrs have no comprehension of what I need. Another issue for me is mobile phones - they are a massive stress trigger for me, that constant need to respond. I could easily cope without one and go off grid for a while.

I'm getting my house back to order and will calm down for a few months - maybe in the new year I can re-think my position but right now it's just me/my son and the cat. And that will be fine for me.x