chasing ghosts 1

after near just a week in this forum I am beginning to understand something very fundamental - what I have always suffered from has been derealisation with underlying background anxiety which when faced with a stressor increases the anxiety which is like a hot flush rising right thru my body which finally after yrs 4 yrs ago led to full blown panic attacks my reaction to a stress always has me reaching for something to take away the derealisation awayso I could cope with the stressor and find a solution to the derealisation and thereby deal with the stressor - and that something was always a stimulant eg a cigarette a coffee or better still a beer to relax me - then and only then could I face the drealisation and anaylise the drealisation - this then I deduced would allow me a clear mind to face analyise and solve the stressor.

And I have learnt that derealisation is but a symptom of anxiety so what I was doing in fact was increasing my derealisation by using stimulants and by analyising my derealisation I was actually worrying about a ghost that I cannot solve and by not solving my problem in that moment I was worrying about the problem and increasing my anxiety and so on and so forth until I ended up in a nicotine/caffeine/alcohol soaked state.

well done you. now do you think you can face these symptoms without the stimulants

have you read claire weekes book on how to solve them sober.lol
jackie

The last time I felt ok, well ok compared to how I feel now was in late spet/early oct, I had been working for 6 wks - so for 40 hrs a wk I was forced by work to keep my mind busy and solve problems at work and deal successfully with stressors - returning home I was tired and I had to eat wash cook and i wanted to watch some tv and chat around the world then I was so tired I had to sleep - this left but a few moments in the day at work and even less on the nite to anaylise my derealisation.

But then came friday - and i relaxed on friday by geeing myself up with caffeine and nicotine to keep myself awake - away chatting in world wide web a few beers became 8 beers to make me enjoy my nite - friday all with the intention of course of getting round to analysing my derealisation nite became saturday morning or afternoon in some cases lol - and feeling dreadfull drealisation and nerves I set about analysing why I felt this way with my usual aids of coffee and nicotine followed up by my old back up of carling black label to help me see clearly - sunday followed saturday - feeling even more drealised - struggle thru sunday with less of my nicotine/caffeine aid as i try to figure out why i felt like this and couple of carling to take the edge off - into monday - feeling dreadful nerves and drealisation - and works discipline took my direction different.

All until one day when I had a serios major incident to deal with in my personal financial affairs and I said enough is enough - I am going to pack my job in and I am going to figure out whats causing this once and for all - and you can guess what happened - more and more and more and more and more of the same in the quest for an answer to what is in essence is a ghost until finally my body so overloaded and run down I couldnt even cope with an 8 pack of carling and I end up being the 1st man in hospital with alcohol withdrawl from an 8 pack.

And thankfully a week later I by accident come across this website and find out for the first time that I am not the first person in the world to have suffered from derealisation and that is actually a symptom of anxiety and not the actual cause.

I was all well aware the stimulants had to go and I had to live my life better - what I could not do first though was live my life until I had solved the problem of drealisation because I felt as though I wasnt really here and without being here I couldnt live so what was the point in anything else.

And all this has cost me my biggest prize of all - I lost my fiance cos I was so engrossed in figuring out what was wrong with me that I forgot about her.

So what do I do now ? I know what makes me feel better - I know what makes me feel worse - the truth is as meg so kindly pointed out to me in a reply to previous post -

Its a bumpy journey this recovery process.

The DP DR will lighten and pass. You need to treat yourself very kindly indeed and have patience and perserverence.

Its like I have a rash all over my body except from the inside out and there is no cream to put on this rash cos this rash is but a symptom of something else, so I just have to accept this rash and how it feels.

So I have to undertake a journey, more than that, I have to live the journey from day to day, using all the tools available to me and to keep an open mind and have patience, but most of all I have to accept the unacceptable cos believe me to be alive and to not feel alive is the second worst feeling in the world (the worst is a full blown panic attack) (I found myself yesterday afternoon praying to feel derealisation as my 1st full blown panic attack in a long time swept over me)

So andrew get up tomorrow and get on with my life, get my life problems solved, do the things I know that help and try to keep to a minimum the things that make me feel worse and after I have my life problems are sorted out get a job as fast as possible so at least then my life has focus and I am busy and I can feel like I am making real life progress.

But no matter what I do I was always live with the constant fear - what if this derealisation is with me forever - as they do say the greatest fear is fear itself - and to overcome that.............................................. .....

well - who knows - I do know now through this wonderful forum I am not the 1st to be stood here and that they have made it back.

I can't feel hope cos I have had false hope too many times but I can pray so instead I will pray that I make it back and that everyone else on here makes it back too.

Reading my posts back I have noticed some dreadful grammer mistakes-sorry all lol-but hey well grammer mistakes are the least of my problems these days ! ! ! ! lol

Yes exactly.

Psoriasis can often be the external mark of internal stress so maybe if you view it as such and need something to measure it by , you'll be doing ok using that analagy.

Do the best you can on a daily basis and soon you will see a chink of dawn and then a break in the clouds and then sunshine and scattered showers.
If you don't start you won't get anywhere!

We will help you through so you are not alone in this.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

it is good to record your feelings well done andrew on a great post.

you will no how to deal withthe fear better when you read the book i have reccomended. what claire weekes advocates is tough but sooooo works

i hope you find it in yourself to remain this focused and we will all be here looking for tipes from you. we in turn will teach you how to spell. lol only joking i never noticed one mistake
jackie

Hi Andrew

What a great post, you have turned a big corner.

Remember the sun is always shining behind those black clouds!

Take care and you are not alone in this

Darkangel


........life is for living not just for surviving

Andrew,
I'm humbled by the self-awareness you've reached, I can only hope to get there one day too. Like Jackie said, I will be one of the people looking to you for tips now.
I just wanted to offer one small thought. I know you already know my situation, that I've 'lost' my wife of 12 years. This occurred to me when you mentioned that you lost your fiancee: one of the few positive things I've realised in the last couple of months, is that even if I had acted very differently in the past, that would still provide no guarantee that she would not have gone off the way she did. I cannot look back and say that I could have prevented it by doing some things differently, or not doing other things. Because she might still have chosen that path, or other stresses and strains may have brought her/us to the same sort of place anyway.
That was all.
I wish you all the success in the world, you deserve it for the huge courage that comes across in all your thinking and reasoning.
Jason

Andrew

I think you know what to do it is just about doing it now. This needs to be done slowly and surely so that you don't make too many changes in one go and then fail at one and fall back down again.

The DP/DR does go in time - mine was there for years then slowly just went. There is no miracle cure but be reassured that it will go in time.

Nicola