Self harming.....

Ummmm OK here goes nothing......

So yesterday was a rough day.....

I've not self harmed in years (read somewhere near 20!! yeah i am that old.....) beyond the destruction of a few interior doors (you get that whole i'm Bruce Lee positive kick when those things are destroyed!!!!)

Joking apart....

So yesterday started positive...... i woke up..... i visited my addiction keyworker and felt better for ripping all hell out of how social services had irritated me.....

I left...... passed a friend in the street and we smiled laughed and hugged... went for a wander and went home....

So i'm just sitting there...... and my mind starts spinning up into its classic frenzy.... being that i've been through addictions (if anyone thinks booze or drugs are a great way to deal with your illness take it from me..... they arent.....)

Now i'm watching something on tv and i start thinking about some stuff and the spin begins.... thought 1 - Get booze booze will knock you out.... (not great last time i ended up in a detox centre (and nearly dead several times)..... i never ever want to feel that low again..... thought 2 - the chemist sells nytol..... nytol knocks you out.... but hang on thatd mean leaving the house and i hate that stuff..... thought 3 - and this i don't get i saw a knife on the couch..... i checked the sharpness.... pretty sharp.... i start slicing a line down my arm.... still fairly calm..... when that one hits fairly large and open...... i start a new one...... then after that another........... during this i get blood on my shirt.... so i go and rinse that off in cold water..... then carry on as i was.... surprised there's no pain....

After a while and ummmmmm a lot of blood...... i start coming round..... intelligent brain says what the hell are you doing???????...... rest of brain says..... that's not enough....... so i carry on...... eventually at some point i eat a diazepam (sadly addictive but prescribed) and slowly my focus comes back in...... i look at my arm..... get a t-shirt..... cut it up wrap it on as a bandage then use packing tape to hold it on...... pack essentials (laptop, mobile, chargers, stuff to spike my hair...... quick second thought and i threw in some clothes.....) and catch a bus to hospital (i didnt realise i had blood all over my face but hey).....

The nurse is all sympathetic and i'm sitting there as she patches me up trying to explain why she shouldn't be...... eventually she see's the funny side (either that or she's a good actress) bear in mind by this time normal me is back on board and can see that what i've done is just plain silly....

Patched up i leave..... call a mate.... catch a bus home then ummmmm well thats it..... i go over to aforementioned mates we have a chat smoke too many cigarettes and eventually i cycle home.... chill..... sleep.... wake up.... feeling fine.....

Then by 11 i'm staring at that knife again....

I havent touched it yet....

I threw away any pills that could kill me (suicidal..... no not really...... but the urge to be knocked out is pretty high)....

As ever ive rambled but ummmmm it feels a bit better..... hell i even achieved the washing up and some laundry.....

I'm not going to apologise that i've written this in a light hearted way....

I'd take any advice or explanation for my actions..... Theres a lot going happening in my life but...... even then i don't get this behaviour..... a friend pointed out i did it as a possible relief... i dunno?....

Confused bemused
B

Relief, bringing the pain inside out.
Self harming is oh so addictive and part of you thinks its never enough

i never think its enough until i've passed out from blood loss. but as of the last few nights
its not worth it.
thing is people can tell you that all you want and it wont happen untill you want it to happen.

i went to see a psycotherapist in hospital the other night
she told me i HAD to distract myself
anything
go for a walk
a jog
anything active
because its a load of built up energy you need to release.
self harming is s**t and dangerous and i recon you know that hun

just message me and let me know how you're getting on
x


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so sorry to hear about what you done, i also in the past have done this and it is a release believe me, my pyshc told me to punch a pillow or put an elastic band on my wrist and flick it, maybe you could try this as a relise instead of self harming.
take care of yourself
emma

Hi Jon_Doh, I have never self-harmed although in the distant past I have considered it, so I can sort of understand why people do it.

Self-harm is an urgent warning that there are things in your life that you need to change. At the same time it is used as an outlet for stress, frustration and rage that people feel unable to deal with any other way. It's not a sign that you are suicidal or that you are mentally ill. However it is something that you cannot ignore: it is a sign that you need to ask for more help. The thoughts of taking medication to knock yourself out backs this up.

You should discuss this with your key worker. Self-harm can be very addictive. It may seem to provide some relief, but there are other ways you can feel better, ways that are not harmful or destructive.

It sounds like you are able to live a normal life and socialise with friends so you have that in your favour: believe me, it counts for a lot.

What therapies are you receiving?

Therapies?????

Lets see...... ummmmm 2 2 hour sessions a week to discuss my addiction issues..... and pills.....

I've been fighting for therapy for oooh some time!!! Docs seem to just want me to go with the pharmaceutical route....

So it goes....

Oh and i socialize fine on diazepam..... otherwise i make a great hermit lol

There is more to getting better than using medication... not all doctors realise this.

When you discuss your addiction issues, what do they do to actually help you move forward? You may have an addictive personality, but it is possible to change that so you are not so reliant on things. I'm not saying it's easy, believe me I am working hard to change my own programming so I don't always think negatively and it takes time and effort, but it is something to think about.

Just to stick with this..... and my surviving humour.... i started changing the dressing and it hurt so bad where it was stuck to my arm hair i stopped....

Human mind and pain responses are odd things....

As a follow up and point not worth making........ well it did happen again but that was months ago!!!...... My arm looks awful!!!!! i need someone to design me a tattoo that'll hide it lol!!!!

B

(not better but still laughing at my own stupidity!!!)