Losing hope!

Thought this would be the best place to start on here.. so hello everyone, I'm Laura!

I'm 24 years old and was only about 15 when I was first put on anti-depressants. It was just after my nan and grandad had died and my family pretty much fell apart, as well as my mum also becoming severely depressed from it. My time at school was far from good (bullying etc) which didn't help matters either.

As long as I can remember i've been a very shy, insecure and anxious person, so I presume it's just part of my personality. I've never been one to feel comfortable with mixing with new people and have always tried to avoid these situations as much as possible. I would even take days off school when it came to doing presentations as the thought of that used to and still fills me with an overwhelming sense of fear.

I've been on and off the anti-depressants since I was 15.. have been on various medications such as citalopram and fluoxetine, which did help at the time but as soon as I felt I was feeling better I would come off of them and then a few months later would either start feeling very down or extremely anxious again. I have been referred to a CBT and other councelling sessions a few times in the past, but because of my shyness I never felt confident or comfortable enough to go to these.

When I was 20, I started getting panic attacks and felt like I couldn't cope. I actually felt like I was going crazy.. nothing felt real and all I could feel was just this panic and anxiety overtaking everything. I couldn't leave the house or be alone and this is when I went back to the doctors. I had felt depressed before, but never had this much anxiety. I was put on fluoxetine and refered to a CBT but I was put on a waiting list and by the time they got in contact with me (a month or so down the line) I felt a bit better and decided not to go.

I joined this website today, as I am now going through a period of the same anxiety I felt when I was 20. I can't be alone and I dread going to sleep as I know that when I wake up the panic and anxiety will be so overwhelming that I fear that I won't be able to cope with it and it's getting me very down. I feel hopeless and like i'm just going to have to go through life trying to deal with these feelings everyday and not enjoying anything, as all i'll be doing is trying to get from one day to the next trying to fight against this panic continuously. I went back to the doctors yesterday and was put on propranolol and have once again been refered to a CBT. I'm going back in a weeks time to see how i'm doing with the propranolol and the dr suggested that she may put me back on fluoxetine then as well. This time I'm going to definitely follow through with the CBT, as I feel like it's really the only option left that may be able to help me long term. I just have to try get past my insecurities and shyness to force myself to do this.

I'm just so sick and tired of the smallest things setting off my anxiety and depression so easily. I can't seem to cope with things like normal people do; things that people just manage to brush off and carry on as normal with. There are a couple of things that I don't consider too small that probably set it off this time, such as my mum being diagnosed recently with pneumonia and relationship problems with my boyfriend. But I feel i'd be able to cope with these things a bit easier if there wasn't just so much panic surrounding everything and taking over my brain!

That was a lot longer introduction than I expected to write so i'll stop there for now! I'll be suprised if anyone manages to sit and read through all of that anyway lol. Thank you to anyone who does!

Hoping this site will be able to help me a bit, knowing that i'm not alone and there are others out there with the same or similar issues.

Hi Laura7

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

Hi Laura, Just read all the way through your post and can identify with all your problems entirely.

Just wanted to say hi laura, I joined yesterday xxx

hey laura
i just joined today, i myself had my first panic attack when i was 13. i went to many doctors and went thru many mri, trying to find an answers. At the time panic disorder was not well known, the attacks went away on there own. when i was 22 i had twin daughters and the stress of being a single m
om, going to university was to much i went into a complete feeling of surrealness and foggy state. It was terrifying. Its now been 12 years and i had not had any major attacks until 3 weeks ago, and now again the same feeling is back. I went to the doctors and he put me on medication and i am praying to god that it helps. i was told that it could take 3 weeks for it to start helping. I am so scared and feel so alone. I just hope i canget thru this

Hello to all that have replied :) Thanks for taking the time to read my post!

Smady - It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who started experiencing anxiety/depression so early on in life.. I could never understand why I seemed to be the only young person around who experienced these feelings at school, whilst everyone else seemed so carefree and happy, it is very isolating.

I can also completely relate with the feeling of surrealness and foggy state. I think that's a big part that I find hardest to cope with.. It makes me panic more than I already am, which obviously doesnt help the situation!

My doctor ended up prescribing me propanolol because it's suppose to work immediately to help the physical side of the anxiety, I've been taking it for a couple of days now and think it has helped a little, but I still feel anxious nearly all of the time so I think going on the anti depressants will be a good idea when I go back next week.

Hang in there though.. I hope the medication starts helping even just a little bit soon. The reason why I joined this website was because I felt scared and alone too, so i'm hoping talking to people with the same problems will help with that side of it. Think i've got to the point where I just want to try anything to make these feelings go away :(

i totally agree with you, the scary part for me is that i was pretty much symptom free for so long, i mean i dont ride elevators or fly , but i was able to control the attacks without meds. I have asked to be referred to a psychiatrist to try to undrstand why these attacks have come back. i struggle with a gambling addiction and I think that might be the cause of most of the stress. I have stopped gambling for 1 week now, and I hope that will also help. After reading the symptoms of derealization it has helped me to recognize what is going on, but the mind is a funny thing and sometimes no matter how many times you tell yourself you are gonna be ok, the anxiety is just too much and the attacks just won't go away. Yesterday and today have been better days so far, just trying to think happy thoughts, and be thankful for the family and friends I do have. Deep breathing helps too. Push yourself to do activities that you would normally find hard to do.