Rectal cancer fears

Hello,
I’m a 33 year old female, mother of 2. This isn’t my first post or first time going through HA I’m a 5 year veteran. My mother was diagnosis With lung cancer that spread to her brain in April. Since then my HA got bad. First brain tumor scare- had MRI all clear. Then stomach issues- CT scan all clear. Now for the past few weeks I was having some rectal/anal feelings of pressure or heaviness. I was able to say to myself I am fine. Until last week. When my mother’s diagnosis took a turn. Her tumors have spread all over her brain and there is no more treatment for her. She is in hospice end of life care at home. Everyday I have to take care of her. And I feel so selfish that I am worrying about myself. I’m terrified.. terrified of losing my mother and terrified I will find out I have rectal cancer.

I was a GI who did a rectal exam and said I have 1st degree internal hemorrhoid. But I can’t shake this fear. I do not have any rectal bleeding or blood in my stool. I was instructed to use suppositories and when I inserted it I felt a tiny little bump in my rectum that almost felt like a lymph node. I’m freaking out. I have felt this lump once before about 2 years ago and didn’t give it much attention. But now I’m scared.

Hey, there.

First off, let me just say that I am so, so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost mine last year (I am 33 now so was at a similar age) but it was sudden which, although doubtlessly horrid, I am in retrospect probably grateful for. Because, like you, I'd also have started to more acutely reflect on how her health reflected on me while also trying to consider her best interests. It's just the way we tend to end up thinking about things, I suppose.

I can't say for sure, but I believe it's a form of grief manifesting itself. It's trauma making itself known in a way probably more familiar to you than any other form: anxiety. Because of the abruptness of my mum's death, mine came about afterwards and, although my mum didn't die of any kind of cancer, she had a lot of concerns about bowel cancer which, although unfounded, I seemed to inherit somehow.

My recovery from that particular bout of bowel cancer worry seemed to subside around about the same time that I began to come to terms with my mum's death. Finally seeking professional and medicinal help certainly helped me in taking some measure of control over my problems but it cannot be ignored that, when my grief lost its sheer rawness and I began to feel better in general, my worries and indeed my perceived symptoms began to abate as well. Because, again like you, I had symptoms that manifested themselves physically. No bumps as such, but my output was heavily disturbed. Partial and misshapen or simply not forthcoming at all in some cases. These problems seemed to sort themselves out when I was more at peace regarding the subject of my mum.

I hate starting off so many sentences with "I" or "My" (look, I just did it again!) but if nothing else I hope to be able to relate to you the similarities between my situation and your own, my own experience being my only qualifications. I can't imagine the state I'd have been in were I in your position, with the foreknowledge of an impending tragedy animating the very worst aspects of my neuroticism. But if my experience is anything to be considered, your heightened anxiety is your grief speaking. And while it seems so scary and so very real right now, your doctors know best. You live in a thoroughly first world country which has access to the greatest medical technology manufactured to this point, operated and analysed by people never more well-trained in human history to assess it. Anxiety can make it really difficult to think so coldly about such things, but you're in a good position to try, given your proactivity in seeking out medical help in the first place.

I wish you all the luck in the world on the mum front (argh, I did it again). It's doubtlessly not going to be easy but I promise you, things DO get easier. It's perhaps a little bit non-linear - you'll have good days and bad days scattered non-sequentially - but your worst days become less bad and your best days become better. And as you come to terms with the illness and even potential loss of your mum, you'll come to terms with your anxiety again as well.

First let me start by saying that was so beautifully written! I’m floored. And second thank you. I lost my father in 2017 suddenly. Just a one phone call and he was gone. There is no easy way to lose someone and that came absolutely with its own battles of grief and anxiety. Thank you for responding. Sometimes all you need is to hear someone say “I’ve been there” so thank you!

It's my pleasure! I know exactly what it's like to go through bowel cancer concerns and I can certainly confirm that it's something that can be hugely aggravated by things like stress and grief. In fact, your guts are a lot more susceptible to misbehave during such times. I think my therapist described them as being like a second brain, responding pretty acutely to emotions in ways that other organs are incapable of doing. I know you didn't detail any particular "bathroom habits" but as for the lump, if it's been there for two years and hasn't changed, it's honestly nothing to worry about at all.

Good luck with your mum, honestly. You've already been through an awful lot and, if you already have a nervous disposition, it's no wonder that things are acting up a little bit.

I don’t really have any bathroom habits.. other than constantly examining my stool to make sure there’s no blood. Which there isn’t. Thank you again for your kind words

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gflanagan86

I don’t really have any bathroom habits.. other than constantly examining my stool to make sure there’s no blood. Which there isn’t. Thank you again for your kind words

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Sorry, I was unclear. By bathroom habits I mean a change in the nature of things in there! Like going more or less regularly, looser, etc.!

And you're welcome!