Losing the will on this torturous roller coaster in my mind

It's me AGAIN.... I Completely lose my head when I get like this. The worry gets so big that I feel like I'm trapped and there's no way out then I panic and go into my impulsive mind set as I don't know how to express such distress. This sheer panic and obscurity causes my behaviour to change and become erratic and in the past I have found escapes that I regret now as I have always had to disguise my illness to keep up appearances and now I feel like a fraud, so guilty of everything and punishing of myself to be perfect and I can't forgive myself for even minute things. I immediately go into a cold sweat and assume I'm a terrible person and I'm trapped in knowing that even though I have always insistently wanted to people please and do good it has detrimented me in how I conveyed this in the past and now I ruminate to extremes on these things and make them catastrophic and I feel intensely claustrophobic in my own existence like I need to erase my past and try again because no one understands my actions. I know my intentions but due to the immense suffering I have felt and that no one will understand it's very hard to convey how much I have struggled and that sometimes my last ditch attempts to keep myself sane have meant telling white lies and trying so hard to not let people see how ridiculously bad my life is as no one would stay around it's literally torture. It's even more frustrating in the sense that I have had this very thought cycle about the very same thing numerous times tried to let go, seemed to and then it comes back to torment me. I seem to be dodging mistakes and controlling my every move to ensure I don't do anything regretful whilst killing myself over things of the past. The idea that this is going to continue happening over and over to destroy my life makes it seem worthless living.

---------- Post added at 19:15 ---------- Previous post was at 19:11 ----------

It is also ironic that the more stressed and anxious and depressed I get the more errors I make in behaviour due to panic and perception change so I panic even more....