Obsession resurfacing 5 years later

When I was 18 one day I randomly got a really horrible thought about a very disturbing issue (I can't actually ever type out what it is because it disturbs me so much) and from that day on everything changed, it basically ruined a lot of my mental health and at the time I couldn't function with it and I had lots of thoughts of suicide. Over the years I've learned to cope with it because I've learned that the fact is,that I don't actually think it, and my brain just absolutely loves to do this to me as multiple obsessions have come after on topics that are equally as disturbing but this has seem to have been the 'big' one that has consumed a lot of my life over the past 5 years but as I said, it kind of became a background thing for at least the last 4 years, like I've always had moments where I lie in bed and think about the fact that it'll always be something that happened and I'll never be able to forget that it was even a thing that was such a big part of my life but I could cope with it and it was quite rare that I'd even think about it and could go a good portion of time without even thinking about it.

But recently in like, the last week it's all of a sudden been something I'm struggling to stop thinking about and as we all know and from my experience with it, the more you try to stop thinking about it, the worse it gets. It's become to the point where it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and I absolutely hate it because that's the worst part in my opinion, as I started using sleep as a method of escaping from it only to be hit with it as soon as I woke up. It was a really horrible time of my life and I really don't want to revisit it. I thought it was a thing I was passed. I'd accepted that it's always gonna be there, I'm always gonna have random disturbing thoughts and images floating around my mind but I could cope ya know and even was able to laugh at the thoughts popping up into my head as ridiculous. I just do not want to go back to when it first came about 5 years ago where I wanted to actually die because of it.

I dunno what to do. I don't think I can handle a second wave of this thing so many years later.

So while I've never been diagnosed, I strongly resonate with Primarily Obsessive OCD. A lot of trends in my life point to this being the case. I have found that I'm in general a very obsessive human being and it's almost like I can't function without some kind of obsession going around my brain whether that be a trivial one like an ex boyfriend, or a girl I'm jealous about or something more sinister like an intrusive thought about murder, or a taboo subject. The obsession that has had the most impact on my life came about when I was 18, it just kind of popped into my head one day, with no previous thoughts on the subject and from that moment my life was never ever the same, for a good few months the thought caused horrible suicidal thoughts, I felt like I was so unbelievably wrong and abnormal for it. It was like I KNEW it wasn't true, I knew it wasn't me and my real beliefs but my brain just loved to tell me otherwise. I've learned to cope with it and get on with my life and for the past 5 years I've actually been alright. The obsession, while I can't say it on here because it disturbs me so much, the intrusive obsession is one that is most normal humans would regard as highly taboo. I just wish sometimes I could tell someone. My boyfriend (who has never known anything about my obsessions) has a masters in psychology and one time I objectively talked about P-OCD and that 'these people' can't control those thoughts and they don't reflect on their genuine beliefs and he argued the complete opposite, that he beliefs those thoughts reflect actual subconscious feelings, which horribly triggered me. Obviously he doesn't know what has been floating inside my head for the past 5 years. I was shocked that someone with a masters in psychology could actually think that. Most therapists and councilors haven't ever even heard of it. I've seen stories of people going into a therapists office with horrible thoughts of p*dophilia, r*pe etc knowing that ISNT them and the thoughts make them want to die, only to be told that they ARE p*dophiles and treating them as if they are. I sometimes just wish I had a mental health problem that was normal, widely understood and researched. I sometimes just wish I had depression, where if someone asked 'you can talk to me' they wouldn't be horrified and disgusted with the things I told them because I can guarantee you almost anyone would be because how can you explain that "hey I have these thoughts, but I know they're not me, but my brain thinks them and I've obsessed over it for the last 5 years, it's a part of OCD but it doesn't come with any compulsions or anything you've seen in the media but I promise I don't actually think that" - they'd either treat you like a sicko, or never be able to look at you the same again.

I dunno if this even made sense but does anyone else agree.

My OCD causes me to obsess the heck out of things, so I can relate :hugs:

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Emmz