Small Steps/Thoughts links

Having had a really bad night, it took some time to realise that being alone my thoughts/beliefs increase ten fold. All the family are asleep and I dont feel I can wake my husband up at 3.30am for reassuring words. I still find it incredibly hard to concentrate on TV or read so I truly do not know what to do.

There was a post which contained links about thoughts but I cant find it, has anyone any idea how I can?

I took two small steps today. Going to the newsagent with my son and asking for stamps. I know the lady well and she remarked how well I looked. I replied I could not stop eating now and she said good for you, carry on with the good work. (OK, I did interpret that differently).

We went to the park and I drove my car back home afterwards. It felt normal. I fail to understand why as soon as I stepped indoors the unreal feeling and depression smacked me in the face.

My husband is cooking a roast this evening as I find making meals too complicated ie timing etc. He appears to enjoy doing it though.

Take care of yourselves.

Fran XX

Hello! Well done for everything you have done today! You have done so much better than me! I've been out 3 times today just for a few minutes at a time but each time felt I desperately wanted to be home! I just dont want to get to the stage where i go weeks without going out again as that is so hard to recover from!

WELL DONE FRAN!!! You are an insparation what with the U.S trip and now getting on with things at home I can sympathise tho with feeling ok outside and coming home and the panic smacking you in the face!!! that happens to me tho i dont know why!!! Keep up the good work eh? Take care luv kaz x

Fran

The post is here...

Links to posts about Common Problems

Nicola

Hi Fran, you are doing ok, don't get down, you've got me as a mate!!
...... from that things can only get better lol:D

PS. I'm wearing a groove in the A12 ...... soooo tired, on auto pilot[8)]

Davexx

Hi Missacorah, Kaz, Dave, Nicola

Thanks you all for your kind words and support.

Missacorah.

I dont like going out but it also gets the point where PA's are so bad indoors (or during the night like last night) that I have to force myself. I just hate feeling so unreal, unsteady but I see it as no choice.

Kaz

I think the panic and depression are linked to thought/beliefs past and present. It is just that I haven't figured out what all the thoughts mean/are and where my negative beliefs emulate from. That is why I want outside support, I really hope I get it (rather than keep on taking anti-depressents/beta blockers).

Dave

I know we are mates and I love chatting to you (despite your being a 'cant keep you down party animal')!!!!

Nicola

Thanks for the link. I will go further into it when I hopefully get some much needed sleep.

Love Fran XX

Hi fran, greetings from Janner Land! :D

You are some awesome person and I don't think you realise how much you inspire and motivate a lot of us here! Every time I get the 'jitters' I think of you and what you have acheived. Well done you [:P]!

Big hug from Granny!
xxx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

Hi GroovyGranny

Had a good night's sleep. The positives today were we went to the fun fair with our son. Cant believe he found that fun after three weeks in Disney.

I drove my car again from the same place. That bit feels normal (despite a car suddenly putting on their brake lights).

Once home, I realised that our daughter had taken make up and put things like my hot water bottle in my husband's bedside cabinet.

It reminds me when I was little and swept up and then put the dirt under the rug. The difference is she is nearly nineteen years old. Right now I am :(. She stole loads from me a couple of years ago and physically hit me and I thought she would at least have some respect over my things by now.

My husband said at least it wont happen again (meaning going away for three weeks).

At least she is moving into her own flat on Thursday and wont have the opportunity to do this.

I am off to play ping pong (flash games) on the NMP site. It doesn't stop PA's but it may take my mind off her for a little while.

Lots of Love
Fran XXX

Hi to all my new found friends!

The positives were I drove (with husband) to get a duvet cover for our daughter. Went food shopping and drove home (which was quite a distance considering I have not driven more than a mile in four months).

My mother phoned and asked why I had a really bad day yesterday. All that did was put me right back down. She said I had not forgiven what my daughter had done(past & present). My mum did far worse when I was a kid by physically/emotionally abusing me. I was given three weeks to live at 19 yrs old because of anorexia, I weighed 4 1/2 stone.

I am struggling with size right now and I do not need her saying "let things go". Perhaps she has let go of what she did to me as a kid but it is far from easy for me to say all is forgiven. There is so much inbuilt hate towards her.

My Clare Weekes book arrived from amazon this morning and when I find some "me/concentration time" I will begin to read it. I read this book 16 years ago and it helped me then and I hope it will help me now.

Last night my husband woke me (as I had fallen asleep on the settee). I woke thinking I was on the end of queue for the Jurrasic Park ride. Obviously the USA and theme parks have gone to my head and I am still dreaming of queues. (It was also very cold last night where I live but it had not helped that he had left the back door open).

Yes, I had a real go at him. I was obviously knackered but the trouble is when I am awake my thoughts suddenly come to haunt me and therefore I am off again ie cleaning things, writing lists etc. I was none too pleased. Suffice to say, I had a few more drinks (I do stress not a good coping strategy) and finally I eventually fell asleep.

Woke up this morning to find he was already up. Not heard from our daughter but our son is having a good time with a kid up the street which is probably just as well.

I will post later if I can. I am going to play ping pong on flash games. At the very least it takes my mind off things for a short while!!!!

Take good care of yourselves and each other.

Love Fran XX